Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Starling

T he week passes quickly, despite the three of us barely seeing each other.

I'd successfully managed to avoid Hudson, and with football in full swing, I only saw Abbot for a few hours in the evenings before we both fell into bed. Not that sleep came easily for me.

I've been lying in Abbot's arms as he sleeps peacefully beside me, with my mind refusing to turn off. It had been a quiet week at school, which was a pleasant surprise, but then my bully had been absent all week. Even with her gone, I can't say I've ever been a huge fan of high school. It's not that I didn't want to learn, but because high school kids are a special kind of asshole.

Thanks to Abbot, I am mostly left alone. Still, his shield doesn't stop the whispers or laughter behind my back. Dealing with that crap was exhausting when I was a freshman. Now, I am just over the whole thing. I can't wait to graduate and leave behind the herd of sheep who, for the most part, have already peaked and just don't know it.

It was ironic, really, given my dislike for the place, how much I was looking forward to returning tomorrow. Anything to put some more distance between me and Hudson. My period excuse won't work any longer. It only lasted this long because everyone has been busy and distracted.

Maybe I'm reading too much into the situation. My radar pinged, and ever since, I've been waiting for him to strike. What if my radar's faulty? It wouldn't be the first time I read the situation wrong.

I turn and stare up at the ceiling before I look over at the clock and check the time. 3:33. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow, but maybe that will be a good thing. Hopefully, after another day of bullshit, I'll come home and crash. Lord knows I could use more than a few hours here and there.

I hear a door bang somewhere in the house, signaling that Hudson is home. I don't know where he goes or what he does when he goes out. I can only assume he's driving Atlas Monroe around somewhere to do things I'd rather not think about.

I Googled him before we came here. I'd heard of him and got curious when I realized we'd be in his orbit, which is stupid, of course. If Hudson has any sense, he'll keep Atlas away from us. Anyway, there's a lot of shit about him online, mostly about his legitimate businesses. There were a few articles about him being brought in for questioning for various things that made me want to run away, but nothing was ever proven.

Social media had a field day with him, from men who swore they were friends to women who claimed they were his mistresses. I'm not sure what his wife thinks of all this. I couldn't find a picture of her, but she must have balls of steel or a death wish to be married to the man.

A creak outside the bedroom door has me freezing. When I hear the doorknob turn, I shut my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

I figure Hudson is just checking to see if we're both home. It's odd, considering our age and the fact that he could be walking into anything. But the man hasn't been around teenagers before, so maybe he has no idea that he should knock.

I wait for the click of the door, signaling that it's closed, but it doesn't come. My heart thunders in my chest as I dare myself to open my eyes, but something tells me not yet .

A shift in the air near my face is the only warning I get before I feel the gentle touch of fingers caressing my cheek.

"Happy Birthday, Birdie," he whispers before his fingers are gone, and he's out the door, closing it behind him with a soft click.

My eyes fly open, and I suck in a sharp breath. What the fuck was that?

I try to calm myself, but my senses are going haywire. Part of me is surprised he remembered it was my birthday. Hell, until he mentioned it, I'd forgotten all about it. It could have been sweet, but it came across as anything but.

Somehow, he made it feel like a warning. If the thud of my heart is anything to go by, then—boom—my time is up.

Hudson is gone when we make it downstairs, which feels like the best birthday gift I could have gotten.

I grab some fruit and shove a couple of cereal bars into my bag, but my stomach feels too unsettled to eat anything right now.

"Do you want anything to eat before we leave?"

"Nah, I'll hit the drive-through on the way."

"How you manage to eat the crap you do and still look like that is beyond me."

"Good genes," he says as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and leads me out to the car.

I think of Hudson briefly and feel my face flush. "No kidding," I mutter.

"Huh?"

"You said you had good genes. I was thinking about your mom's smile," I lie as we reach the car.

He looks down at me and gives me a squeeze before he walks over to the driver's side.

Taking a breath, I open the passenger door, climb inside, and slam it shut. As Abbot starts the car, I shove my bag near my feet and buckle in, smoothing my hands over my thighs. This morning, I put on a pair of the new jeans and one of Abbot's hoodies and pulled my hair up into a ponytail. A little mascara, some lip gloss, and a bit of concealer to hide the circles under my eyes make me look a little more human. I don't wear much makeup because the aim is for people not to notice me. Even if I could use the confidence boost right now, I would only have the girls wondering who I was trying to impress. By the end of the day, the gossip would probably have me being gang-banged by the basketball team because Abbot dumped me and broke my heart.

"Do you have practice today?"

"No, it's been postponed until tomorrow. Something about the field being treated." He frowns, making me laugh.

"I was only half listening," he admits sheepishly.

"So, what did you get up to this weekend? I feel like I've hardly seen you."

"Not you, too. I already got shit from my dad."

"Whoa, I'm just making conversation. Forget I asked." I turn to look out the window.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm an asshole."

"Yeah, I know," I agree.

"But I'm your asshole."

I turn to look at him and see him pouting. I shake my head but can't help smiling.

"You know you can tell me anything, right? You're my best friend."

He turns back to the road and grips the steering wheel hard enough for his knuckles to turn white.

"Abbot?" I ask softly.

"I met someone," he whispers.

I blow out a deep breath. "What's his name?"

"What makes you think it's a guy?" he says, but it's strained.

"It's always a guy. We both know I'm your only girl." He glances back to me, and I smile at him to soften the sting of my words we both know are true.

"That's because nobody can compare to you."

"It's because you prefer guys, but I'm too awesome to resist," I joke, but he doesn't say anything.

"You know you don't have to pretend with me. You let me be me, and I let you be you."

"Even though I'm using you?"

I drop my head, clasping my hands together. "I'm using you too, Abbot."

"No, don't. We always have the same argument, but it's not the same. I use you as a cover so I can hide a part of who I am. I use you so I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I'm not gay."

He looks at me and swallows before he moves his eyes back to the road.

"You just want to be loved, so you give yourself to me so I won't leave you like everyone else has." He says the words softly, but each one lands like a blow.

He reaches for my hand and squeezes it. "I won't, you know. Leave you, that is. Even when we're old and gray, I'll be here. I know what it's like to be abandoned, and I won't let you feel that way. I promise."

I squeeze his hand back. "Do you hate having sex with me?"

He jolts. "What? No, how can you ask me that? I fucking love being inside you. It's just…"

"Not enough. I know. I'm not judging you. I'm just trying to show you that you don't make me feel used. You know my experience with the opposite sex has been less than stellar. I fuck you because I trust you. So, believe me when I say I'm getting as much from this arrangement as you are, because I've never trusted anyone the way I trust you."

He swallows hard. "I love you." The words slip easily from his lips because they're true. He does love me; he just isn't in love with me. And that's okay, because I'm not in love with him either. He's my safe place, and I'm his.

"I love you too. Why else would I put up with you, dumbass?"

"My big dick?"

"Meh, I've had bigger."

"Bitch." He shoves me gently, making me laugh.

"Whore."

He roars with laughter. I watch him, feeling lighter. Abbot's and my relationship isn't conventional in the slightest. But I'd do anything for him, and I know he feels the same way about me.

"So tell me about him."

"Who?"

I roll my eyes. "The guy you met."

He hesitates for a moment before he spills. It's still his instinct to hide this side of him, and it breaks my heart. As much as I loved his mom for how she treated me, I wanted to rip her hair out for how she treated Abbot.

She had made him feel like a freak when he came out to her. She started bringing girls home for him to meet and mentioned the idea of going to a camp that would "cure" him of being gay. That's when we started seeing each other. At first, it was a cover. I played the part of his girlfriend, which kept his mom off his back. He played the doting boyfriend, which kept the bullies at school off mine.

"His name is Mark. He's a little older than us."

"How much older?"

"He's twenty-two. He's studying to be a graphic designer."

"Is he cute?"

He gives me a look. "Guys aren't cute."

"Sorry. Is he hot?"

"Scorching. I swear to God, I nearly swallowed my tongue when he came over."

"Bold. I like it. I take it you met at the club."

He doesn't really drink, but he likes going to this gay club a couple of towns over, so nobody recognizes him.

"Yeah, we met at Railed. His brother dragged him there."

"His brother's gay too?"

"No, but he's supportive," he says wistfully. "Can you imagine Landon in a gay club?"

I scowl and shake my head.

"Exactly. Another reason why I haven't told him. He'll be ten times worse than Mom was."

"Have you thought about telling your dad?"

"Fuck no. He'd kick me out in a heartbeat, and then where would it leave us?"

"Well, no matter what, I'll stick with you. But he might surprise you."

"No. He'd condemn me just like everyone else. I don't want him to know, and you can't tell him, Starling."

"You know I won't. I might not agree with you about hiding, but it's your decision to make, not mine. As long as there's space in your closet for me, you can stay there as long as you need to."

He parks the car at the back of the school parking lot and turns off the engine before turning to me and cupping my face. "You've been the best three years of my life."

Tears prick my eyes as he places a chaste kiss on my lips.

A thump on the windshield has me jumping. We turn and see Hayden, Abbot's friend and fellow football player.

"There are children here," he bellows, making Abbot flip him off.

"Come on, you know what he's like," Abbot sighs.

"Boys really are overrated," I mumble as I unbuckle my seat belt and grab my bag off the floor before climbing out.

I close the door and wait for Abbot. He wraps his arm around my waist and slides his hand into the back pocket of my jeans, talking to Hayden beside him. I ignore the looks we get. People are always trying to figure out our relationship, like it's any of their fucking business. They assume we're fucking, but besides that, we don't do anything as a couple.

That being said, Abbot isn't shy about reminding everyone I'm off-limits.

"So when are you going to trade this loser in for a new model?" Hayden says to me as he turns to face us, walking backward toward the school. When he trips and falls on his ass, I grin at him before bending down and offering him a hand.

Abbot yanks me back before he can reach for it, making Hayden laugh.

"Sorry, Hayden. I like my men to be able to walk and talk at the same time."

Abbot snorts as we reach the doors, leaning forward to hold one open for me. He dips his head and kisses me lightly. "See you at lunch?"

I scrunch up my nose. "Probably not. I need to go to the library."

"Of course you do. Alright, I'll meet you at the car after school then. Text me if you need me."

I smile at him and watch as he walks away, Hayden blowing me a kiss before Abbot smacks the back of his head.

"Slut," someone coughs behind me.

I don't bother to turn around. I don't need to. I'd recognize Claire's voice anywhere. I keep walking, heading to my first class, wishing she'd stayed out longer.

"We all know he only keeps you around because you're an easy lay."

I keep going, biting my lip, knowing it's better to keep quiet than to engage. But lack of sleep and having to deal with Hudson on top of everything else has made me want to grab her hair and smash her face into the lockers.

"Did you hear, girls? She's gone through all the guys here, so now she's working the street corners."

Fuck it.

I spin around and plaster on a fake-as-fuck smile. "You're absolutely right, Claire I'm just a big old slut bag. But you're still jealous because I have Abbot, and you don't."

"Abbot and everyone else," she snarls back as I roll my eyes and turn back around.

"Tell your dad he left his wedding ring inside me again," I call out, not giving a single fuck who hears me.

People are going to believe what they want anyway. I'm eighteen now. As soon as I can, I'm out of here, which is why I'm heading to the library at lunch. I have a couple more scholarships to apply for.

The sooner I'm gone from this place, the better.