9. Chapter 9

9

Hope

CLOSING MY EYES, I LET OUT A HEAVY SIGH.

I can't believe Heath saw the marks. I wore the turtleneck to hide them, and he still ended up seeing them.

He was livid. His eyes darkened and the lines in his face hardened. He looked like he was one step away from strangling someone to death. All because he saw the marks on my neck.

I wonder what he'd do if I told—

I can't.

I barely know the guy.

Also, I don't want anyone to know. No one would understand. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it myself.

I hate that I messed up. He saw the marks and now he's suspicious. I don't know how to answer him the next time he asks me questions.

I'm scared, confused, and in constant fear that Dad will return, and things will be widely different. This time, I'll be his target.

I still can't believe he was here. I thought he was gone for good.

Stepping into the bathroom, I stand in front of the mirror and pull down the collar. The marks are there. Tears build up in my eyes and I clutch my stomach to swallow a gut-wrenching sob.

Five minutes later, I wipe my cheeks, wash my face, and tie my hair in a messy bun.

Breakdown time is over.

I won't cry anymore.

I walk back into my room when something catches my eye. I retrieve the box from under my bed. It contains stuff that reminds me of the days when life was good. I look at my baby pictures, some with my dad and some with my mom. They looked happy when they had me.

I pick up Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, my first-ever paperback. My mother bought it for my eighth birthday after weeks of me begging her. I remember I read the book in a day, then read it all over again. I pleaded with her to buy me the second book, but she didn't. She never did, and I stopped asking. I didn't have money to buy the rest of the series myself and I didn't read it by lending it from the library because I wanted to own it.

Putting the book aside, I look at the bead bracelets. When I was little I used to make them. Since I was alone all the time, I had nothing better to do. My mother bought me a set that had many colorful beads, strings, and little instruments to build a bracelet. Every night, I'd get to work after dinner and stay up until I'd be done.

I pick up the bracelets and look at the size of them. They won't fit me now, but still pull a smile out of me.

The longer I play with the beads, the more my head chants an idea that sounds insane like Hogwarts-existing-in-real-life insane.

Saturday is cleaning day . Mom will scrub the floors, do laundry, and clean every inch of the house. She doesn't rest for a second and keeps herself busy until she's exhausted and passes out. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's her way of mourning the sadness that came with Dad's departure. I can't understand how she misses a man like him. All he ever did was hurt her.

It's late in the afternoon when I find her in the living room, dusting the corners to get rid of the cobwebs. She's dressed in an old T-shirt that belongs to Dad and faded jeans. Once she's done, she hops down from the stool. She pauses when she sees their wedding picture covered in dust. Picking it up, she cleans it. Her eyes fill with tears and her hand trembles over the glass.

"Mom?"

She sniffles and wipes away the tears.

"I'm fine, honey." She puts it down, but her gaze doesn't avert from it. "I wish he'd come back. I miss him so much."

My heart skips a few beats.

This is the reason why I can't tell her about Dad. If she knew, she'd want him to move back, despite what happened the last time. In the past three months, it's all she's talked about. She thinks he's changed and won't hurt her anymore, because he loves her and will get better for her.

Love isn't abuse. Love isn't tears. Love isn't betrayal.

Books have taught me that love is supposed to be this magical, pure, sweet thing that makes you feel safe. It wants you to be better. It protects you and keeps you safe. I know it's all fictional and made-up, but even if it is, that's the kind of love I wish for myself. What my parents have isn't the love I want.

Mom composes herself and turns to me. "I want to talk to you about something."

"What is it?"

"Did you take the money from the top of the refrigerator?"

Memories from that evening reappear. I refuse to sink into that sadness.

It's been three days, and the marks have faded completely, but not the event from my mind.

"Yes. I wanted to buy a few books." There's no way I'm telling her about Dad.

She shakes her head in disappointment. "Honey, you can't buy books. You know how expensive they are. Why do you need to buy them when you can borrow from the library using your library card?"

A lump grows and constricts my throat. Mom knows I love books, but she always refrains me from buying them and gives me this exact speech every single time.

As a reader, I want to own books. Enjoy the feeling of holding a paperback and annotating it. But I can't because I can't afford it.

"I'm sorry," I mumble.

Mom sighs and rubs her temple. "It was our emergency stack."

I fidget with my fingers, something I do when I'm anxious.

"I didn't mean to." I try not to look at her as she glares at me.

"Your focus should be on studies, not on stupid books that are unrealistic and just a waste of time and money." She raises her voice.

My stomach ties in a series of knots pulling my guts together in a painful tug. I shift on my feet as tears prick my eyes. I refuse to cry anymore. I've shed plenty of tears in the past three nights.

"I'm looking out for you, Hope." She softens her tone.

"I know." First, she gives me a blow then rubs it with a balm.

She clears her throat. "Why don't you help me with lunch? I got my paycheck so I'm making something nice."

Just like that the topic ends.

The library is my favorite place in the world. If I could, I'd live here and make it my home.

Sitting on the floor, I lean my back against the shelf and make myself comfortable. I flip the pages of the third book in the series. I've got four more, but I'm already dreading the last book. I'm enjoying it so much that I don't want it to end.

The idea from last night crosses my head, especially after this morning. I can make bracelets. I know how to. Maybe…I can sell them online and make money. That way, I can buy as many books as I want, and also spend some when I'm out with Marie and her friends.

I was embarrassed when Heath bought me food. If it weren't for the headache and hunger I would've put up a fight.

My phone vibrates. I see Marie's name popping up on the screen.

"Hey. I'm coming to pick you up to go to the ice rink. I'm sorry I had to bail yesterday. I had to run an errand. I'm free now, and so are the boys. So, text me your home address."

"I'm at the library, actually." I close my book.

"Oh, the one near the pizza shop, right?"

There is only one library in Bellmare town and it is mostly vacant. Not a lot of people come here to read. So, the librarian doesn't stock up on the latest and trending releases which sucks big time for an avid reader like me.

"Yes." I put the book back in its place.

"I'm a minute away."

I exit the library and stand outside.

A brand-new white BMW i8 pulls up to the curb. I see Marie waving at me.

Once I'm in, she says, "I missed you."

I smile. "You saw me yesterday."

"I know."

There's something about Marie. She radiates off such bright energy and sunshine that even your sadness and problems dim under her light.

"You don't have a book with you today."

"I left it inside. I'll pick it up tomorrow."

She frowns. "Do you not buy books?"

The question rubs me the wrong way. "I don't. I use my library card to read books."

She grins excitedly. "That's great because I can give you books."

I giggle. "That would be the best gift."

"I can also get you bookmarks, pens, highlighters, and so much more stuff."

"A book would be fine, Marie."

Starting the car, she shrugs. "We'll see."

I look around the car and find it littered with empty wrappers and cups.

Marie must've noticed me because adds, "I babysit kids, and they caused this mess. I'm gonna get my car cleaned tomorrow."

"You babysit?"

From owning a BMW to looking like a model, Marie screams money just like Heath. Her outfits are from famous brands, and she changes stuff often. Even her phone cases are different each day.

"Yeah. I don't like being alone. So, I spend time with children and they're the most fun. My neighbors are busy and travel frequently and I babysit their two sons and daughter. They're awesome. There are other kids too. Some in the neighborhood and others here and there."

Marie lets out a short laugh. "Also, my parents are rich. I'm not. They bought me this car, but everything else I bought on my own. I live in the uptown, it's a lavish area, as you know. The people are wealthy, so they pay me well. That's how I'm able to afford most of my stuff. But don't get me wrong, I do save and only buy stuff if I can't help it. Like there's this computer I'm building and the parts cost thousands of dollars. Lately, I'm saving up, and splurging less. I love pretty things, especially clothes and makeup."

Sparing me a glance she adds, "There's only one life to live. I want to make every second of it worth it. Turn my dreams true and fulfill my wishes. I don't want to have regrets when I'm old and gray. Regrets are heavy. I don't want to live under the weight of them."

There's only one life.

Regrets are heavy.

Turn dreams true and fulfill wishes.

Something snaps in me. I decide then and there that I will give my idea a try. If I fail I don't have anything to lose, and if I succeed good things await for me.

"You're wise, Marie."

"Fuck no. I'm young, dumb, and broke."

I laugh. "You're definitely not broke."

"Well…"

We both share a laugh.

"Tell me about yourself. I want to know everything."

"There's really not much to me." I only now realize how blank I am. If I were a color I'd be white. There's nothing to me. I'm boring, and so uncool compared to Marie who's a rainbow.

"Tell me about your family."

I swallow the confused feelings. "My mom is a nurse and my dad… he left three months ago." But recently he paid a visit and almost choked me to death.

"It's all right," she says softly. I get the feeling that Heath hasn't told her about the bruises. If he did, nothing would've stopped her from interrogating me. She cares.

"I'm mostly alone at home. Sometimes I cook food and bake—I'm not good at it. I blame the cookbook."

She makes a turn. "I happen to be a great baker. We can do it together sometime. What do you say?"

"I'd love that."

"Tell me more , Hope."

"There isn't much."

She shakes her head. "Huh? I find that very hard to believe. You are nothing but full of surprises."

I'm confused. "What? How?"

She smirks. "You got Heath to talk to you. That guy is always sulking and hates the world."

"He's not that bad." I think about the last time we were together. He turned on the AC for me, bought me food, and drove me home. He did all those nice things for me, and I didn't even thank him. I'll do that the next time I see him.

"What makes you— wait, did something happen between you two?" Marie parks the car and studies me.

I shake my head. "No…yes… I mean…" I stammer like a kid in the principal's office.

She narrows her eyes, eager to know everything. "What did he do?"

I guess I have no choice but to tell her. It's what friends do, right? Tell each other stuff.

"On Thursday, I stayed back at school because I was having a headache. Heath offered to give me a ride. He also bought me food and we talked. Then he dropped me at my place."

"Oh my God." Marie shrieks like that kid on a rollercoaster, the one who'll take it again because it's the definition of fun.

My cheeks burn. "It's nothing."

She gasps. "Nothing? Girl, it's fucking something. I can't believe it. Why didn't you text me? I would've driven to your place then we would've dissected everything."

I can't invite her over with Dad paying random visits. It'll be a disaster if he sneaks in when Marie is there. I'll hate myself if something happens to her, and I can only imagine how much it'll freak her out. I want to protect her.

"Heath and I…I don't know what there is."

Marie's hazel eyes soften. She unbuckles her seatbelt and takes my hand. "It's okay, you know."

I frown. "What is okay?"

"If you're feeling something toward him. I agree he's a dickhead. But he's a good guy and I can see he cares about you. Even if it's a little bit."

"There isn't anything between us. He was just being nice."

"Nice and Heath don't go in one sentence." She squeezes my hand. "I won't intervene because you both can handle stuff. Just know it's okay. I'm here if you need to confide in someone. I'm the best at relationships and friendships."

I don't know what overtakes me, but I blurt out, "Can I hug you?"

Marie advances and wraps her arms around me. "You don't ask for hugs. You take them."

I hug her back, feeling the world slip off my shoulders. I have no idea why she came into my life. But I like that she's here. She makes me believe in friendships that I read in books—the forever kind.

A knock on her window pulls us apart. Heath and Sebastian stand next to each other, and I notice how they're the same height, but Sebastian is more muscular than Heath.

Sebastian is wearing a white shirt and denim jeans. As soon as Marie locks her car, he hugs her and rain kisses all over her face. She giggles in his embrace.

Watching them is like watching my favorite book couple come to life.

A piercing stare burns my face. I turn and find Heath staring at me.

Like always he's in a black T-shirt, and black jeans, but tonight he's got black Converse on—like me, but mine are blue. I notice the silver chain hiding under his shirt, and the few silver rings on his fingers. He looks intimidating with how his muscles grip the sleeves, and his broad shoulders and chest fill the front. I know he doesn't do any sports, and this physique is because of that underground place he fights at, but he has an incredible lean athletic build.

Coming closer, he towers over me. I have to crane my neck to meet his blue eyes. Lifting his hand, he brushes my hair off my shoulder and caresses the side of my neck. His touch is light like a feather.

"The finger marks are gone," he murmurs.

A trail of shivers runs down my spine from his single touch. The rhythm of my heart picks up the longer his touch lingers on my skin.

I step away to divert the topic. "There weren't any marks."

"I'm not blind, Hope," he says my name in a deep gravelly voice that further increases my heart rate.

This was why I wore the turtleneck. I wanted to avoid interrogation.

"I didn't say you were. I'm just telling you they weren't finger-marks. I burnt myself with a straightener."

Curling my arms around me, I glare at his chest. I see his muscles tightening against the thin material of his T-shirt. He's annoyed at my poor attempt to lie.

"I didn't know that straighteners have fucking fingers," he drawls out in a dry tone.

They don't.

I suck at lying.

"Let it go. Please," I whisper, if he pushes this matter I might start crying.

He knows something is up. I can't let him believe that. I don't trust him. We're not friends. We are nothing. Not long ago he told me to stay away from him. So his feelings toward me have been pretty clear.

"Guys c'mon." Marie leads the way.

Heath falls in step beside me. Tension rolls off him in big waves and hits me.

The ice rink is a big hall, flooded with bright ceiling lights. In the middle is the wide, shiny ice where people are flawlessly sliding in their skates. An array of benches is on one side of the rink where teenagers sit in groups. Near the entrance is the counter where a guy is handing out skates and also ringing up the customers.

"You two hurry up!" Marie looks back and hollers, her words echo in the room. People stop and give her a look, but Sebastian pulls her to his chest and glares at them. Kissing her forehead, he takes her to the counter.

Heath and I both catch up.

"Hi, Hope," Sebastian says. I give him a wave.

"It's been five minutes and you're greeting her just now?" Heath grumbles.

"I was busy greeting my girlfriend." Sebastian pays for our tokens.

I want to contribute, too. I just don't have money.

The disappointment must be apparent on my face because I hear him speak.

"What's fucking wrong?" Heath asks as we both gather the skates from the counter.

"Nothing. I'm fine," I assure him, but instead, he narrows his eyes at me.

"You're not fucking fine. Someone—never mind."

We sit on the benches and slip on our skates. He's quick with tying the laces while I slowly work through them. It takes me longer, because my hands are shaking, and I can't seem to make them stop.

"Fuck it." Bending in front of me, he takes the laces from me and ties them.

I'm staring at him when he looks up at me and clears his throat. "You were taking forever."

Standing up he gets onto the rink and looks back at me. I wobble on the floor, desperately trying to not fall on my face, and also helplessly searching for something to hold.

Heath sees my struggle and comes over.

"Give me your hand." Before I can overthink, he takes my hands. Electricity sizzles through my blood and hits every nerve ending. I've never been electrocuted, but one touch of his and I know what it feels like.

The warmth of his hand radiates off a promise that he won't let me fall. He'll catch me the second I trip. With him, I'll never know what it feels like to fall and get hurt.

Heath opens the tailgate for me.

I step onto the ice. My feet slip and I reach for his shoulders. "Oh shoot."

Heath's lips quirk up as he gets me to the rail. "So you fucking cheat-curse?"

"Cheat-curse?"

"Make up words that resemble curse words, but it's the same fucking thing." Heath smirks widely as if he can't bring himself to smile.

I can't wait to see him smile or laugh someday. I bet he'd look beautiful. Still, my heart jumps inside my chest. I feel something brewing in my stomach.

I'm in so much trouble.

"Are you okay?" Marie skates up to us with Sebastian following close behind.

"Barely," I offer.

She offers me her hands. "Come on, I'll help you out."

"I can help her," Heath interjects.

The three of us stare at him with various expressions: Sebastian with a smirk, Marie with a smile, and me with surprise.

"No! No, it's fine. I'll manage." I tightly grip the rail.

God this is embarrassing.

They have to help me and can't enjoy themselves.

No wonder I didn't have friends. I'm a hindrance.

Heath glares at me. "It's not fine."

"Heath, I have to talk to you." Sebastian steers him away from us.

"I can't believe it," Marie sidles up to me with a grin.

"What?" I frown.

"Heath is being nice to you. I mean I believed you. But fuck, he's really going out of his way to help you."

"I…"

"It's your choice. If you want, we can swap partners and you and I can skate together. Whatever you're comfortable with." She looks at Sebastian and smiles.

Marie is a good friend to me. I don't want to be terrible to her when she clearly wants to be with her boyfriend. Besides, I need to thank Heath for Thursday.

I decide. "I'll skate with Heath. I need to talk to him."

Marie loops her arm around mine and we skate to the boys who are in a staring battle. Heath looks annoyed and Sebastian looks amused.

"It's decided. You and Hope are going to skate," Marie tells Heath who quickly looks at me.

You want to? his eyes ask.

I want to, I reply.

Coming near, he offers me his hands. I take them, holding his long, calloused fingers tightly.

"Marie threatened you?" He helps me slide on the ice, keeping a fierce grip so I don't falter.

I give him a confused look. "I don't think she's capable of threatening anyone."

He shakes his head. "She is when it comes to protecting her people."

I can't imagine that. She's so full of light and happiness, thinking there's a blazing fire behind all that is similar to a rabbit having quills. Impossible.

Heath and I skate at a turtle's pace which must be bothering him, but he shows no signs of annoyance or anger. He doesn't let me go, and his grip is tighter than mine is on him.

Silence extends between us and it's not awkward. It's comfortable.

It's the perfect time.

I should thank him.

It's the least I can do after I made him pay for my food.

"I wanted to talk to you," I say timidly.

His blue gaze connects with mine. Worry flashes through his eyes.

"What is it?" His hands tighten around mine, encouraging me to go on.

My stomach fills with warmth. "I want to thank you for Thursday. You bought me food and drove me home. It was nice of you."

"It's nothing." He brushes it off in an it-doesn't-matter way as if he does it for every girl.

Does he? The mere idea bothers me strangely.

"It's something."

Our eyes meet and I can't hold my brimming smile.

Heath gulps hard, making his Adam's apple move incredibly slow. It's the most attractive thing I've ever seen. His eyes soften a bit, and he slowly lets go of one of my hands. "You got a hang of it?"

"I think so."

I hold his other hand with both hands and try to skate like everyone else in the rink—like a professional. Right now, I resemble a baby penguin who's learning how to walk on ice and it's not cute at all.

Heath instructs and I do as he says and almost squeal when I don't plant my face on the ice.

"It's working." I straighten with confidence. I like hearing the noise of my skates slashing the ice as I circle the perimeter with him. My speed is more than that of a turtle.

"It is," he says.

Tilting my head, I find him staring at me. His hand squeezes mine and heat runs up my arm and reaches my heart.

"You know I'm a boxer," Heath says casually.

I give him a questionable look. "You told me you fight at an underground thing."

His lips quirk up. "That underground thing is dangerous and only the best fighters are there." Pulling me to him he adds, "If someone is hurting you, I can fucking help you."

The color drains from my face. I turn numb.

"No-no one is hurting me," I whisper in a weak voice. I don't sound convincing even to myself.

He tugs me to him and our fronts press together. "That's a fucking lie."

"You agreed to not talk about this." How I manage to say that with our proximity is beyond me.

His face hardens. "I didn't fucking agree to anything."

I slip my wrist out of his hold. "Well, I agreed to not telling, because there isn't anything to tell." My throat suffocates my next breath. "I came here to have fun. Not to talk about that . I don't want to…" think about it or discuss it with you.

Heath clenches his jaw and rakes a hand through his hair. "I fucking tried. If you don't need help then I won't offer it."

Truth is, I'm barely surviving on my own since that night. For the past two nights, I've been having these vivid nightmares that wake me up. I'm stuck in a phase where I refuse to believe Dad hurt me. So, really I don't want to talk about that incident because I'll get triggered.

Heath follows me around the rink. He doesn't hold my hand which upsets me for some reason. We don't talk, but he doesn't leave me alone.

At one point Marie keeps me company. She talks about going to the nearest diner and I agree.

Nothing awaits me at home anyway.

Mom has a night shift and Dad—I don't have the energy to deal with him.

We leave the rink and go to the diner. Sebastian and Marie take Sebastian's jeep, and I go with Heath.

During the ride, he doesn't say a word to me. Tension is thick in the car, and it consumes us.

There's something between us when there shouldn't be.

Heath is dangerous. He fights at an illegal place and probably hangs out with delinquents. At school, he's famous for his bad reputation. He isn't someone I should hang out with. But he's also nice and notices things that no one does.

He sees me.

At the diner, I pick a burger, but he orders a chocolate smoothie for me when he finds me staring at it. I try to refuse but he doesn't listen to me. And when that smoothie lands in front of me, I'm glad he didn't. There are two reasons. One, I love chocolate with my entire being. Second, it helps me calm down.

Marie chatters about her job and all the children she's met. Sebastian joins in too. Heath and I only listen and contribute very little to the conversation.

Later when we're outside, Heath asks, "Do you have a ride?"

"Marie said she'd drive me home."

"Seems like she's busy."

I peek inside the diner and find Marie and Sebastian splitting the bill.

"I'll drive you since her driver took her car home. She'll be going with Sebastian." Heath briefs.

I hesitate, "Are you sure? I can—"

"I'm fucking sure. Let's go."

I shoot a text to Marie.

Once inside his car, I lean my head against the window as Heath pulls out of the parking lot. I catch a glimpse of them still inside and counting bills. They're like a married couple already.

I'm tired, but I'm happy. Today was fun, even though ice skating gave me hell, I still enjoyed doing it and sharing food with people who are slowly becoming my friends.

Dread fills me as we get closer to my house. I don't want to go home, especially when Heath is with me. What if Dad sees me with him? He'd go livid. God knows what he might do to me.

I'm scared and anxious as the car pulls up in my neighborhood.

I search for lights and they're on, meaning someone is home.

Oh my God.

He's here.

Dad is back.