46. Chapter 46

46

Heath

Derek watches me with sheer interest from his spot across the room.

I move left and he follows, I move right, and he follows.

Eventually, my meter blows up, and I glare at him. "What do you want Derek?"

"Sir, is that girl your girlfriend?" he asks solemnly.

I narrow my eyes. "Is that Dad asking?"

"No sir." I stand up to talk to him up close. "Yes sir."

Dad lives in Toronto but he's keeping an eye on me from that far. Derek reports back every single thing like an obedient soldier. I suppose it's reasonable when he's paid thousands of dollars for spying on a teenager.

Dad thinks he knows me, but he doesn't. He hasn't heard a good deal of things from his dutiful soldier because I'm brilliant at hiding.

I don't want them to know half the things I do because I want no connection between us. The only connection he and I share is a less than five-minute call. Which reminds me he hasn't called me since that last call. It's unusual for him to not call me. He calls me every day even when I don't attend his call. And now my phone sits without his missed call.

I mean it's not like I miss him or anything. I don't even fucking care.

Before my mood turns sour, I turn my focus on Derek. "You can tell him to ask me himself."

He takes out his phone. "I can call him right now."

Sometimes I forget my butler has no sense of sarcasm.

With a scowl, I say, "It means it's none of his business. I don't want him to know anything about me or that girl I bring home."

His face stays impassive. "Mr. Travon is worried for you. He thinks that girl is manipulating you for money."

What the actual fuck?

Hope can never manipulate me for money. She can't even ask me to buy her food, let alone money.

The mere thought is stupid.

"Trust me she isn't," I reply with a twinge of anger in my tone.

Before I can argue more, Sebastian stands in the hallway. He's in a simple white T-shirt, denim jeans, and sneakers.

"They're getting ready?" He nods to the guest room.

"For the past hour."

Sebastian and I turn on Xbox and get our controllers. We set up a Fortnite match and start playing to kill time. We usually don't talk during the games, but today that isn't the case.

"So, how are things going with her?"

I'm too engrossed in the game, it takes me a minute to answer. "With whom?"

Sebastian's character stops moving. I turn to him only to find him looking at me with irritation. "I'm talking about Hope, you idiot."

Right, of course. It's a top priority for both Marie and Sebastian.

I nudge him to play and reluctantly he does. "We've kissed a few times. And I've told her I like her. She said she likes me too."

"And…"

I give him a confusing look. "What?"

Sebastian looks like he's done with me. "Have you asked her on a date?"

I press my lips together.

This is the fucking issue, I don't know how to ask Hope on a date. To be honest, I don't even know how to plan a date. I'm clueless. That book of hers I read did give me an idea. Adrian took Eleanor on a nice, romantic dinner which is something I think Hope would like. I just need to plan it perfectly.

"No," I state curtly.

"Cute."

I send him a glare to drop the sarcasm.

He rolls his eyes. "No seriously! What are you waiting for? Another guy to take her on a date so you can ruin it."

At those words, that awful night comes back to my mind. Seriously. Why the fuck did I let Hope go out with that awful guy? I should've stepped up and confessed my feelings.

Sebastian continues, "I guess that's what you're waiting for."

I ignore him.

"I know you're a pussy, but fuck. This is low even for you."

I grind my molars.

His eyes set on me and a smile appears on his face. "You're scared."

"I'm not fucking scared!" I burst out, knowing damn well that he's right. I'm scared about planning a perfect date for the only girl I've ever liked. I don't want to mess up. I want it exactly how she imagines it.

Sebastian's grin widens. "I think you are, James. You're scared of asking out your crush."

I'm seconds away from choking him. "Sebastian, I swear if you say that one more—"

"You're scared."

For fuck's sake.

I lunge at him but he's quick to get away. In a hurry, he crosses the room and stands next to the archway trying to hold back his laughter.

"I can't believe it," he wheezes out.

I chase him but he's fast. "Get your ass here, fucker," I yell after him.

We make a round through the hallway, only to circle back into the living room. Quickly he gets behind the sofa which keeps me away from reaching him.

He holds his stomach, seconds away from topping over the sofa from laughing.

"Heath doesn't know how to ask a girl out."

"I swear I'm gonna—" My words die the second I see Hope standing in the archway.

She's wearing a soft blue sundress with white daisies all over it. It fits her perfectly and ends a little below her knees, leaving her legs exposed. Underneath she's wearing white pumps that look new. I travel my eyes up and down her body, before locking them on her face. Air knocks out of my chest like someone's punched me hard. Her hair is slightly curled and falls on her front in soft waves—it's wavier than her usual hair. Light makeup coats her bony face, thick eyelashes pop her light brown eyes, and light pink gloss covers her lips.

She looks fucking beautiful.

Her brown eyes bounce from Sebastian to me.

That's what I was waiting for. For her to look at me.

The longer I stare, the more I want to keep looking at her. She looks perfect tonight.

Marie appears behind her, looking like a model with her blonde hair set in unruly curls and perfect makeup. She's wearing something black… I don't know and I don't care. I can't look at her when my eyes seem to be glued to someone else.

Sebastian approaches Hope and she smiles as they talk.

"Thank me," Marie says to me as she stands beside me.

I give her a confused look. "For what?"

"The list is very long, but I'll start with tonight." Glancing at Hope, she turns to me with a smile. "I did her makeup and hair. I didn't do much because she's so beautiful—"

"She is."

Marie smiles big. "—and kept everything minimal."

I seek Hope's attention but she's busy chatting with my best friend. What the fuck are they talking about?

"Let me handle this." Marie skips over to Sebastian. When he looks at her, he forgets about everything and eye-fucks her openly.

I'm about to yell get a fucking room . If I do, it'll be a room in my house where I can hear them.

Hope stands in the corner, her eyes are fixed on a random spot on the floor as her fingers twiddle with each other—a nervous habit of hers that I find incredibly cute.

Without wasting a second more, I stride toward her. The moment she sees me, her eyes light up and a soft smile appears on her lips.

My stomach fills with creatures that jump around in excitement. Fucking butterflies.

There are three steps left between us, which is a fucking lot. I'd very much like there to be no distance between us, but her romance novel taught me boundaries are important. I want her to reach me. If not, then I'm fine with it, too. Just being this fucking close to her is enough.

She. Is. Enough.

"Hi," she whispers.

"Hi," I rasp.

She blushes.

My favorite shade of red paints her cheeks, and I'm a fucking goner.

Her red cheeks do something to me. She can ask me to buy her all the books in the world and I'll fucking buy them for her. Or she can ask me to read them to her and I'll do it without hesitation.

She brings me to my fucking knees, and I'd gladly kneel in front of her.

Lifting her hand, she tries to push back her hair, but I catch her wrist.

"No, let it be. I like it," I say.

Her eyes widen. "Okay."

I feel her hand shiver in mine. I quickly engulf it in between my palms.

"Are you cold?"

She shakes her head.

"Scared?"

She shakes her head again.

"Nervous?"

She pauses, then nods.

I step closer to her—because I can't help it—and caress her knuckles. "There's nothing to be nervous about when you're with me. I want you to be comfortable. If you're not, then tell me. I'll do anything for you."

"I'm not nervous like that." She takes a step forward in my direction.

One more step and the fucking distance between us will be even less.

"Then what is it?" I ask.

Her blush intensifies and she bites her lip.

Blood travels down my body, to a region it's not supposed to, especially right now.

Moving my hand toward her face, I lean down and kiss her.

For. Fuck's. Sake.

She tastes like heaven. Pure perfection.

Slowly, and gently, I go deeper, and she meets my strokes. Her hands wrap around the back of my head, and she grips my hair tightly. When she tugs, I can't help but groan into her mouth. If she continues, I'll be walking around the fair with blue balls all night.

It's fucking clear to me that I want her. Not just emotionally, but physically too. I want to touch her skin and learn the temperature of it. So I can make her feel warm underneath me from all the wicked things that I'm dying to do to her. I want to kiss every inch of her so there's no place unmarked.

I want to take my time and find all the scars on her body and kiss them, so pleasure is all she'll remember. I want to take away her pain permanently.

There's so much that I want to do to her, but none of it matters. What matters is her.

Still too far away. I slide my arm around her waist and press her against my hard body that's hot from the need to worship her.

When I pull back to give her room to breathe, she pulls me right back at her and I can't help but fucking smile.

My greedy girl.

We kiss slowly and sweetly, taking time to memorize each other's mouths and how fucking perfectly they fit.

I've never found kissing special. However, that was until I met Rose. I can kiss her for as long as she'll allow me to.

Kissing her has become one of my favorite things to do with her.

"Guys, quit sucking each other's face off," Marie says from somewhere close.

Hope freezes in my arms and quickly pulls her mouth away from mine.

"Seriously. You were straight up making out," Marie adds.

"Like you don't do the same." I arch an eyebrow at her.

She leans back into Sebastian who wraps his arms around her stomach and kisses her hair, making her laugh hard.

I turn my attention to the most beautiful girl in my arms. "Are you okay? Was that okay?"

"I'm good and it was fine—I mean not fine. No! It was perfect," she stammers timidly.

"Hmm, so which one is it? Fine, good, or perfect?" I muse.

"The last one."

"Yeah?" I smile.

Setting her chin on my chest, she looks up at me with those innocent doe-eyes. "Yeah."

"Good."

"How was it for you?"

"Fucking perfect."

I'm rewarded with a grin that makes my heart race. I'm afraid that she might hear it or feel it but fuck it. I'm not hiding or fighting my feelings for this girl anymore.

I want her and I'll get her. I'll do anything to be with her.

We all saunter toward the driveway. Marie and Sebastian take his jeep and go ahead of us.

I walk toward my McLaren and open the door for Hope.

Her smile widens. "Thank you."

When I join her I ask, "Why did you thank me?"

"Because you opened the door for me."

"It's not the first time I've done it."

"Yes, and that's why I wanted to thank you." Playing with the necklace she says, "I like it when you do it."

I make no move to start the car.

Fuck it. For all I care, we can sit here for the rest of the night and just talk.

I'll be with her, and it'll be enough.

"What else do you like?"

"I like it that you notice little things about me, ask me about book updates, order food for me, calm me down when I'm having a panic attack, take hugs from me even though you don't like them—"

"I like yours," I tell her. "What else?"

"You make me feel safe."

"Because you are."

She nods. "I know."

"Is there more?"

A smile spreads on her lips. "I like you. I like you a lot. Probably more than my fictional men."

I narrow my eyes. "Why probably and not fucking definitely?"

A laugh breaks out of her and my annoyance shimmers down.

"It's not fucking funny," I grumble.

"Are you jealous?"

"Fuck yes, I am. Now that you like me, there shouldn't be room for those guys."

"I like you the most."

I shake my head. "Not enough."

My heart burns as if it's on fire. Hot, scorching flames rise in heat, all because I'm fucking jealous that she likes other men more than me. Seriously, whoever invented this jealousy-feeling should be sentenced. It's a fucking awful feeling.

Hope cups my face in her hands and presses a soft kiss on my lips. "They are fictional, you're real."

My anger and irritation go away. Fuck them. They don't have her like I do. She's mine.

"I bet they can't do this." Turning her face to the left, I bend down to her neck and press hot, wet kisses that make her breath hitch. There's a spot, just below her jaw that makes her shiver, and another near her collarbone that makes her dig her nails into my skin.

"Heath…" she whispers in a heavy breath.

Stealing a kiss from right under her jawline I move back. "Yes, remember my name, because only I can make you feel this way."

She swallows, then puts on the seatbelt as I start the car.

On the drive, we don't talk, but there's something I have to tell her. So, when we stop at a red light, I turn to her. She's looking out of the window.

I pick up her hand and her attention diverts toward me. "You look beautiful," I say.

Her mouth opens. "Oh… it's Marie. She did everything to—"

"It's you ." I assert.

Her fingers tighten around mine. "You look great. You always do."

"Always?"

She nods.

I smile a little and look down at my all-black outfit. There's nothing new, except for the thin jacket I threw on because it gets cold in the evening, and while I can stand it, I know Hope can't.

So I'm wearing the jacket for the sole purpose of lending it to her.

The car horn blares behind me and I'm forced to drive when all I want to do is stare at the girl beside me. With a sigh, I turn to the street and speed us to the fair. Like every year it's brimming with life and music. Shouts and squeals carry in the air. Colorful lights are everywhere as they line the paths.

We wait in the car for Marie and Sebastian who left before us but still aren't here.

"Are you excited?" Hope sounds nervous—she doesn't have to be.

"No."

"I am."

"What are you most excited about?"

She gazes at the fair. The multicolor lights glint in her eyes.

"The Ferris wheel." With a shy smile, she turns to me. "I'm afraid of it, but I want to see the view when I'm on the top. How everything and everyone looks small." With a shake of her head, she adds, "But I'm scared."

"I'll go with you."

Surprise flickers across her face. "You don't have to."

"I don't have to, but I want to because you want to."

She looks at me with disbelief and something else.

A knock sounds on the window. I see Marie grinning at Hope.

The four of us enter shortly after we get our tickets and pass the security checkpoint.

Hope walks ahead with Marie, who's explaining everything to her, and she watches it with awe. The look is so innocent and pure that I want to pack it in a box and keep it safe from the fucking world.

"Instead of staring, take a picture. It'll last forever." Sebastian elbows me with a teasing smile.

"Get a hobby instead of observing me," I retort.

"Why would I? This is fun."

I roll my eyes.

Sebastian turns serious. Tipping the coke bottle toward Hope he says, "Ask her out tonight."

I look at Hope who's laughing as Marie fails at throwing the rings around the hoop.

"What if she says no?" I voice my worst fear.

"Then you ask again," Sebastian assures me.

I give him a puzzled look.

"You pathetically like her. You can't give up until she says yes."

"That's how you got Marie?"

"You bet your ass I did," he replies with an arrogant smirk.

"Get a life, Bash."

"Get your girl, James."

We follow Hope and Marie from stall to stall. They play games and buy stupid stuff—that's Marie.

Occasionally Hope and I make eye contact, and she always looks away with a smile that makes my stomach fill with strange insects. I'm half-convinced that something is wrong with me the number of times I feel everything move inside me.

Everyone from our school is here and I can sense their gazes on our group. Girls eye me openly as I pass them, a few even make the effort to talk to me, but I ignore all of them. They should get the hint that I'm not fucking interested. If they approach me it's straight-up rejection for every single one of them.

The one I want is walking ahead of me. I only want that one.

"We need to win something," Marie exclaims as we stop at a stall.

On the wall, there's an array of balloons tied in many colors and sizes. Inside the glass counter various stuffed animals, keychains, and other items are organized according to winning points.

"What do you want? I'll win it for you." Sebastian slings his arm around his girlfriend's shoulders and pulls her to him. Pressing his lips to her ear he speaks something that has her smiling hard.

I look down at Hope who's busy staring at an Eiffel Tower keychain.

Putting a hand on the glass beside her, I lean down to her ear, "You like it?"

She meets my gaze. "I love it." A shy smile hangs on her lips. "I've always wanted to visit Paris. I've heard it's beautiful there."

"I'll take you there someday."

She gasps. "You're joking."

I gaze at her with zero hint of amusement. "You know me enough to know I don't joke when it comes to you."

"I don't have a passport."

I cough to hide my laugh. "We'll get it. Now do you want it?"

"I want it."

My eyes drop to her lips and all I want to do is kiss her. Kiss her over the folklore music playing in the background. Kiss her over the noisy boisterous throng of people. Kiss her over the psychedelic dance of colors in her eyes. Kiss her over the roaring beats of my heart echoing in my ears.

I just want to fucking kiss her. Again.

"I'll pay." She takes out money from her satchel and hands it to the man who eyes her oddly.

I make my feelings known by glaring at him when he hands me an air gun.

"Good luck." He might as well be cursing me for failure.

Hope looks at me with encouragement—it's all I need.

With a deep breath, I aim and land a clear shot. Marie and Sebastian chant in excitement but I'm only focused on her smile that I can see from my periphery.

I land clear shots without a miss. I would be lying if I say I have never picked a gun, because I have. Last year, I spent quite some time at a shooting range. I thought it'd help, but it didn't. Nothing did.

Then I met the pretty nerd who loves books more than anything, and all the chaos whirring in me quietened into whispers.

Now I'm not angry all the time. I'm not annoyed with everyone—well that's a lie—except for her. When I'm with her, I'm just with her. I'm not phasing out or wanting to get to my room so I can have a mental breakdown. If anything, I smile, talk and laugh with her. I also fight the urge to not kiss her every five seconds.

I shouldn't feel this way. But for fuck's sake I can't stop myself.

I'm moving head-first toward her, and I don't fucking care anymore.

When I burst the last balloon, my friends jump with a hurray, but I only look at the person beside me.

We stare at each other.

She's smiling. Fucking worth it.

"So, what's it gonna be?" the man asks.

He scowls at me which I ignore. I point to the keychain, and he retrieves it.

I take it from him and hang it in front of Hope. "It's yours with the promise that I'll take you to Paris someday."

She takes it from me. "Someday."

I glance at Marie and Sebastian grinning from ear to ear like two golden retrievers. I roll my eyes at their enthusiasm.

Once Sebastian wins Marie a unicorn stuffed animal, we move along to the other stalls. We play many games and also get into a photo booth to get polaroids of us four together, all because of Marie. Just like last year, she manages to push me inside, how she does that with her little strength is astonishing.

"Oh, I need to buy something for my parents. Gotta go!" Marie drags Sebastian out of the booth leaving Hope and me alone.

We sit on the stools cramped in the tiny room. My legs can barely fit and so does my frame which makes me bump into Hope.

"Do you want to take a photo?" Her fingers are fidgeting with each other nervously.

"Of us?"

Her cheeks redden. "Yes."

I gulp hard as if I've swallowed a rock.

She presses the screen, and the countdown of three seconds starts.

It snaps a photo of us which isn't good because we're sitting away with sour faces.

"Maybe we should get closer," she suggests.

I comply with her request. My shoulder presses against hers. Her brown eyes quickly shoot up, then soften.

"What kinda photo do you need?" I ask, my voice unreasonably deep.

"Um…a nice one?"

My lips quirk up in amusement. Mischief fills my mind, and I can't stop myself.

I lift my hand and cup her chin. Tilting her head back so our gazes align, I drop my eyes to her seductive mouth that's going to make me a kissing addict.

"Are you ticklish?" I whisper lowly.

"Wh-what—"

I hit the timer with my other hand and then place my fingers on her stomach. I tickle her and she starts cackling. I can't help but laugh with her.

The noise of the snapshot rings and I stop.

Hope is blushing hard, but a smile is on her lips. Wrapping her arms around her stomach she holds it tightly. "Heath!" She attempts to glare at me but fails miserably.

A Polaroid slips out. I grab it and give it to her. "Here's your nice photo."

We both look down at the black and white grainy photo that's captured a perfect moment.

"Wow. This is…"

"Perfect."

"Yes."

I hit the timer again and both of us don't notice anything around us because we're staring at each other. A Polaroid slips out and hits the floor.

I let my eyes drop to her lips and the urge to kiss her hits me.

Fuck it.

"I'm going to kiss you," I tell her, just as I click the timer again.

When I meet her lips she goes soft against me and kisses me back like she wants it as much as I do—not a fucking chance, I'm a starved man for her taste.

"I can never get tired of kissing you," I murmur.

We get the photos and exit the booth. Marie and Sebastian are nowhere to be seen so we wander on our own and play games.

It's the most fun I've had since Emery's death. For once, I don't feel guilty for experiencing happiness. I know she wanted this for me, but I rejected it because I thought I was betraying her. Today, I realize, it's okay for me to have a good time.

The crowd gets thicker the darker the sky gets. People bump into each other like idiots and it's full of chaos.

I grab Hope's hand and steer us away to an open space so we can fucking breathe.

"You okay?" I ask, squeezing her hand.

"I'm fine."

She looks back at the crowd. "There are so many people here."

"It's like this every year."

"Did you attend it every year?"

"I haven't since Emery was in hospital, but before that yes."

"What did you guys do?"

I search for an empty bench and find one. Sitting down I stretch my legs and then look at Hope who looks curious about my answer.

"We went on rides, ate the oily food, and bought stupid stuff."

She chuckles. "I can't imagine you buying stupid stuff."

I smile. "You know me well."

"Is it hard coming back here without her?"

I inhale a sharp breath and examine the fair that's the same as it was years ago. Nothing has changed. Same vendors, stalls, rides, heck even the crowd is the same. Yet everything feels different because my sister is dead.

"Yes." I fidget with the purple ring I got altered to my size so I can wear it. I move it back and forth, the motion calms me.

"Sometimes I wish I had a sibling," Hope says.

"Trust me they're nothing but trouble."

"It's better than loneliness."

I stare at her, trying to decipher her. She tries to hide so much inside of her. It irks me because I don't want her to hide from me. She can talk to me about anything, and I'll listen to her. I'll always listen to her. Whether it's about those romance books she reads or her rambling about how chocolate makes her happy. There's nothing I won't ever listen to when it comes to her.

"But not worse than grief."

Hope meets my gaze, and I feel like she can read me.

Looking at the sky, she watches the stars. "I read somewhere that when the people we love die they become a star."

I scoff. "Don't tell me you believe in that nonsense."

She takes my hand and moves the purple ring back and forth.

"Look at the sky." I give her a dry look. "Please."

With a sigh, I lean my head back and stare up at the meaningless sky that I hate so much.

A mass of stars blinks black at me, as they hang on the black canvas, shimmering like glitter.

I take my time and watch every single one of them. Until I stop at one that shines the brightest and is golden. It's away from the cluster, but still, it has a light that no other star possesses.

I know without a doubt that it's Emery if she were a star. Something about it does something to me. Like there's a cosmic energy that I can feel. An assurance that she's in a better place. I wouldn't want anything more for her. She deserves that, and so much more.

Tears burn my eyes, and I cough to push down the lump of emotions trying to claw their way up. I rip my hand away from hers. Turning my head to the other side, I take shaky breaths that seem to tear me apart from the inside.

I can feel it. The storm from the past is trying to eat me alive.

My lungs ache with emptiness.

I hate it.

This can't be happening right now.

For fuck's sake.

What will Hope think of me?

She'll think I'm weak.

She'll think something is wrong with me.

I'm being strange.

I wish I were in my room.

I can't cry here.

What should I do?

And why the fuck can't I breathe?

I need my mind to slow down.

Why are there so many thoughts flooding in my mind?

Why the fuck can't I stop thinking?

I need air.

I need to lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling.

I need that right now.

The mayhem in my head gets stronger and louder. I hear so many voices; I can't find my own.

"Heath, look at me."

I do as she says.

"Listen to me only." She runs her thumbs over my cheeks. I realize she's cupped my cheeks.

My face is in her hands.

"It's okay," she assures me.

"Take a deep breath with me." She shows me.

I copy her.

"Again," she instructs.

I do as she says, maybe because she's doing it with me.

I'm not alone in this.

Doing it with her doesn't make it seem so difficult.

We do it for a while, I don't know how long, but by the end, a string isn't tied around my chest.

"You're okay," she tells me as she wraps her arms around me tightly.

After a few minutes, she begins to move away but I hold her in place.

"Let me kiss you."