20. Chapter 20

20

Heath

I've lost my fucking mind.

That's the only plausible reason why I've brought Hope to my secret place. I'm talking to her while my heart jumps and sinks inside my chest like I'm having multiple heart attacks all at once.

Is that even fucking possible?

Apparently yes when she's around.

We're sitting together—with no body parts touching—but I can feel her heat and lavender scent—don't even get me started on it—swirling around me and consuming me.

What kind of fucking sorcery is this? I've never been affected by someone's perfume, but for fuck's sake, her flowery scent is driving me nuts. It's soft and sweet—not my type—and I can't get enough of it.

For the past hour, all I've been thinking of is pulling her into my arms and burying my nose into her hair—what the actual fuck is wrong with me? I've never thought about a girl in this way.

This is all because of Sebastian. That fucker fed me weird shit about feelings, now I can't think about anything else but seeing her naked—

I'm going to hell.

"…head back."

I catch a snippet of her sentence. "What?"

She looks nervous. "I think we should head back."

"To school?" It's past ten. There's no point.

"Yeah. We can attend the classes after lunch."

"Marie said you're sick. It'd be strange if you show up," I argue, partially because I don't want us to leave. It's nice here with her.

"I don't want to go home," she mumbles.

I choose to not say anything about it. I'm sure she didn't expect me to hear that bit. But It's stored in my mind for later. "Do you have your bracelets with you?"

"I keep them in my bag."

"Good. Because you've got orders to mail."

A beautiful smile takes over her face and erases every ounce of sadness from earlier.

Good. This is better.

"Really?" she chirps.

"I don't lie, Hope."

"Do you know how many?" She jumps off the hood excitedly.

"I didn't check." I most definitely did. But the way she's excited to see it for herself isn't something I want to steal away. It's her moment and she deserves to have it.

"Can I have your phone, please?"

I hand it to her and watch as her brown eyes fill with light.

I'm certain I've never seen someone look this utterly beautiful when they're happy.

Fuck. I want to see this look on her a thousand times more.

"Heath, look at this." She comes to my side and scrolls the screen. "There's fifteen of them. I got fifteen orders. That's the highest I've ever gotten. Can you believe that?"

My eyes don't steer away from her eyes. I'm afraid that if I look away I'll miss this pure joy that sparks in them.

This rare sight steals my breath away. I'm breathless over this pretty girl.

"We've got work to do." To distract myself I breathe some air that isn't lavender scented, and it bothers me.

For fuck's sake.

"This is so good. I can't believe it." With a bounce to her feet, she slips inside my car as I open the door for her.

I linger, watching how she replies to everyone with a smile. The quiet organ in my chest beats crazily. It's like she gave life to it.

I clench and unclench my fist to get rid of the tension coiling around my body. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I just agreed to be friends with her. I can't feel like this.

Get a fucking grip.

Shutting down whatever I'm feeling, I get behind the wheel and start the engine.

Hope looks at me frantically. "Wait! Don't drive. Let me make the packages so we can mail them at the post office."

"We could do that at my house." Derek would be on my ass and call Dad.

"Wouldn't your parents ask questions?" she asks slowly.

"They would ask questions if they lived with me, which they don't," I reveal more than I was fucking supposed to.

"Oh." She picks up her bag and retrieves the bracelets, brown paper, and twines. No wonder she's doing magic on me. She uses twines for fuck's sake.

"Do you need my help?" I ask, only because I'm bored, not because I have any intention of lending a helping hand.

I don't help people.

But you help her.

I want to punch my inner voice after hearing that.

She gives me a nod and smiles. "Yes. I'd love that."

Together we pack the bracelets. I cross-check the orders with her and then write the names over the packages so we can send them to the right address.

While working, I ask her the question again, hoping she'll answer me this time. "What happened back there?"

Her hands freeze over the twine that she was tying a knot on. Clearing her throat, she says, "I didn't have breakfast, so I had a vertigo."

Fucking bullshit.

"I didn't know that's what we call panic attacks these days."

Her eyes quickly find mine. "You know what they are?" The way she watches me closely makes me want to book a flight and never return to this godforsaken fucking town. She's getting past the wall that hides my secrets.

"I've heard of them." And experience them almost every other night since my sister's death. They are useless since they don't cause fatal death, but they're pretty good at making you believe you're nearing the end.

"I…I've never talked to someone about this before." She works on the next package as if she can't bear to sit idle and talk about her feelings.

It's insane how well I can read her and relate to her.

"I won't fucking judge you if that's what you're worried about."

"It's not that."

"Then?"

Not knowing what's bothering her frustrates me. I want to know what's wrong and fix it for her. I don't want her to have panic attacks. I know how awful and weak they make you feel. If I can do anything for her, so she doesn't have them, I'll do it in a heartbeat.

A forlorn look touches her face. "I've never had friends. Since kindergarten, I've been alone and now I'm a senior. It's years of loneliness that I can't erase just because I have someone now."

"You've had me for a while now," I whisper.

I try to see it from her perspective. She's not wrong. It must be hard for her to suddenly be thrown into a tight group. Sebastian, Marie, and I all have been through a lot. It doesn't matter that Marie joined us last year. With the way she's supported us and been there, is like how Bash and I have been for each other for years. We two have grown up together since second grade. We shared everything until Emery got sick and I fell into depression, and he fell into alcohol because of how things were at his home.

Nonetheless, I've always had someone. But Hope truly has been alone all this time.

"I already know things and I haven't judged you. You can trust me with anything," I add.

She stays quiet for a whole minute, then says, "I don't know what happened back there. It was like my mind couldn't stop thinking. Every thought had its branch that kept growing with more voices. Before I knew it I couldn't breathe, and my heart was beating so fast. It was like I was stuck in—"

"Chaos." I complete it before I can stop myself.

She watches me keenly, before nodding. "Yeah. That's exactly how it was. I was so afraid. I've felt fear before, but this was different. It was like I'd die."

"You were having a panic attack."

"How do you know that?" she asks with a frown like she's worried for me.

"I've read about it."

She studies me skeptically. Then chews on her bottom lip, and says, "Thank you for helping me. If you hadn't, I don't know what would've happened."

My chest tightens.

This girl does strange fucking things to me.

Once we're done with the packages, I drive us to the post office. Hope pays the money, and we walk out onto a busy street. People around us go about their lives throwing little attention at us.

It's past noon and the sun is shining brightly. The phase of summer air slips away as August comes to an end.

Hope and I are quiet, knowing now we have no reason to hang out.

Obviously, that doesn't sit well with me because I blurt out, "Do you wanna grab something for brunch?" Knowing damn well I'd feed her, it doesn't matter what her answer is.

She smiles. "Sure."

At the diner, I order the food. The last time she did, it made her anxious as fuck. I don't want to put her through that. So, I ask her to find us a booth.

This little thing has sort of become our routine. I used to eat alone at diners but now she accompanies me which I don't mind. In fact, I enjoy her company.

When I sit across from her I see her reading a book with an illustrated cover of a couple. I know right away it's a romance book, which she seems to love too much.

"Is that a romance book?" I tease her.

Hope abruptly shuts the book and hides it under the table. "Huh."

"It is, then," I observe how her cheeks redden like a rose.

Rose. That's it. She reminds me of a rose. Especially how the color is the same as when she blushes.

She puts her book on the table and meets my gaze. "Okay, fine. It is."

"What is it about?"

She adjusts her hair. "Oh, um, I haven't finished it yet."

"How far have you read?" I eye the bookmark which is a strip of paper taken out of a notebook and folded many times to make it thicker.

For a book nerd, she doesn't own many book-nerd things or whatever they are called.

"A little." She tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear as if she's nervous.

Do I make her nervous? I better fucking not. I want her to be comfortable with me.

"What's happening so far?"

A waitress interrupts us by putting down our milkshakes and assures us that our food will be there in five minutes.

Hope quickly reaches for the chocolate milkshake and sucks on the straw. "Nothing."

Explicit images of her doing something very inappropriate fill my mind. I have to look away.

This friendship won't work once she knows what goes through my mind.

"So, you're telling me you're reading blank pages?"

Hope chokes on the drink. I'm seconds away from making sure she's okay. After coughing a few times, she clears her throat. "You'd get bored if I start talking about it."

She could talk about animals and nature for hours, and I wouldn't get bored. I'd listen to every word like an addict clinging to every particle of his fix.

"I won't," I assure her.

"Well…" she starts talking about her book and doesn't stop. I believe she's reciting every word with how detailed she gets. She paints the picture so well I find myself getting invested in the story, even though I have zero attachment toward Adrian and Eleanor. ". . .they go to a party, and she has fun."

I realize I'm mesmerized by how sweet and dreamy her voice sounds.

Fuck. I'm in so much fucking trouble.

"When will you—"

"Oh my, you guys are here." Marie half-screams across the room. Hope and I both turn to see her.

Taking quick, hurried steps she approaches our table and slides in next to Hope. Throwing her arms around her she fires questions. "Are you okay? Is everything okay? Why weren't you at school? I missed you. Mr. Carlie spent an extra fifteen minutes, and I wanted…"

I zone out Marie's rambling and glance at Sebastian who watches her with a look of someone who's whipped.

"No need to stare. She's all yours."

He smiles. "It's hard to believe it sometimes."

"Put a ring on her, then."

"Soon."

I stare at him in surprise, but he just smiles.

The waitress from before leaves our food and asks Marie and Sebastian for their order. Marie is too busy bombarding Hope with questions, so Sebastian orders for the both of them.

Once done he turns to me with a sick smile. "So, you and her, huh?"

I glare. "There's no her and me."

"Right, of course. There's an us ."

"Fuck off." Because of him, my brain can't think of Hope in an innocent way.

"Excuse me? What did I do?"

I lean closer so the girls can't hear us. "Feed my brain the idea that it's good to be friends with her. I can't be her friend."

"Why the hell not?" My mouth sews shut. "Wait a sec. You asked her to be your friend. When did this happen?"

I pop a fry into my mouth. "This morning. We were on the hill, talking, and I fucking asked her."

"Hill as in your secret place where no one is allowed, even me." Bash puts a hand on his chest as if he's offended.

He can be as offended as he wants. I don't care. Sometimes I need silence to quiet the chaos in my head.

"Yes," I mumble.

Surprise contorts his face. "Woah! I didn't think you would. I'm offended."

I roll my eyes. "It's not a big deal."

Sebastian slaps his forehead and everyone in the room looks at him.

Fucking great. More attention. Exactly what I needed.

"What happened?" Marie's eyes bounce between the two of us.

"Nothing, babe," Sebastian convinces her with a smile but shoots me a mean glare.

Marie nods. "I'm hungry. Do you want something?"

"I already ordered for us, babe." Sebastian winks at her. Marie grins like a damn fool.

This is what I've been subjected to since last year. Third fucking wheeling.

My gaze flickers to Hope who's smiling at them. At once her eyes find mine. She blushes and looks away.

Clearing my throat, I turn to Sebastian who's smirking at me. "Not a big deal, huh?"

I shove him and eat my burger.

I check on Hope and she's eating nuggets. Relief washes over me that she isn't fucking starving herself.

"So how was today? What did you two do?" Marie watches us closely. She looks suspicious as if we visited the unicorns and didn't invite her.

"We…um…talked," Hope stutters and refuses to look my way.

Could she be any less discreet?

"About what?" Marie pushes her. I kick her under the table.

"Ouch! Sebastian." She winces.

He raises his hands. "I didn't do it."

Marie looks at me and she leans over the table. "Something you wanna share with us?"

"Not with you, Blondie," I say in a cool tone.

She turns toward the one person who won't lie to her. "What about you, Hope?"

Hope's eyes widen. "Um, what?"

Marie folds her arms and puts on her interrogation face. "Where were you two?"

As much as I love to see her growth in confidence, in instances like these I hate it. She can be a real pain in the ass when it comes to matters revolving around the two of us—Sebastian and I—and now Hope too.

When Marie narrows her eyes, Hope cracks under the pressure. "We were on the hill talking about cigarettes, panic attacks, being friends, and bracelets."

A moment of silence stretches between the four of us before the chaos begins.

"Bracelets!" Sebastian and Marie speak at the same time.

"Um…" Hope gives me a shy smile and I glare at her.

"Heath and bracelets. What? How?" Marie asks.

"Panic attacks and cigarettes?" Sebastian jumps in without skipping a beat.

"Here's your food. Enjoy." The waitress puts a pause on the enthusiastic couple who can't wait to get to the bottom of this.

The two of them watch Hope and me. I don't blame her for cracking under pressure. She's got a long way to go with these two.

Marie points at the two of us. "You both start talking."

Hope caves in, while I sit back and watch.

What a fucking mess.