Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

HANSLEY

I ’ve been sleeping on the couch. Which is almost worse than facing Jessica because she gets up every morning with tears in her eyes, asking what she’s done. No matter how many times I tell her nothing, she doesn’t believe me.

Now I’m lying in our bed, staring at the ceiling. She’s not here, which is the only reason I am. She’s gone to her parents’ house on the other side of the country to visit with her new nephew. And I’m just lying here thinking about how shitty a person I am.

Every time I try to tell her, she has tears in her eyes, and I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud. They’ll hurt her, and I don’t want to hurt her. I already have and I do more every day. But saying the words to her, telling her I’ve been having an affair? That’s a new kind of hurt that I’m not prepared to see in her eyes.

I need to. I’ve made this bed and now I need to… do literally anything.

My phone chimes and I wince. Either Jessica or Lemon, if I have to take a guess. I haven’t seen Lemon in three days. Not since I fucked him over my desk. I got home to find Jessica’s bags packed and the sense of relief that washed over me made me feel sick after.

The thought that she was going to give me the easy way out and decide to leave made me realize just how much of a coward I am. But she wasn’t leaving me. Just going to her parents for a week or so. That means when she gets back, I need to face her. I need to tell her the truth. For both of our sakes.

Another chime on my phone has me sighing. Rolling over, I grab it off the nightstand and tap the screen to wake it up. It’s The Pride Room app, but it’s not a message from Lemon. It’s Alka.

Alka Lennon

Hey. What do you have planned today?

Shit. Didn’t realize the time. Sorry.

I grin.

Hansley Bardot

No plans yet. What’s up?

Alka Lennon

Oh, good. Hope I didn’t wake you. We’re having some friends over for food and pretending to watch sports things. Want to come over?

Laughing, I answer.

Hansley Bardot

Sounds good. What time? What should I bring?

Alka Lennon

Anytime is fine.

Hansley Bardot

You’re going to need to be more specific. Ten minutes and three hours are very different.

Alka Lennon

lol An hour?

I glance at the clock. That’ll be nine o’clock. That’s awfully early for ‘sports things’ but honestly, the longer I linger at home, the more I’m going to beat myself up and there’s literally nothing I can do right now.

Hansley Bardot

Sounds good. Want me to bring anything?

Alka Lennon

Nope. We have it covered.

I lay in bed a little longer, thankful that I don’t have to stay here any longer than I have to. The walls feel like they’re glaring at me. There’s a loud echo in the house and I imagine it’s a future that I promised Jessica that I’m not going to deliver.

Pushing myself up, I run through the shower and leave the house. This time I take my truck. It’s more realistic when I plan to bring more than one bag with me. Despite Alka saying I don’t need to bring anything, I am going to stop at the store.

It’s slightly after nine when I pull into Alka’s driveway. He’s not far from where I live, which I hadn’t known. I knock on the door and look around as I wait. There are no less than three FOR SALE signs that I can spot from where I’m standing. I raise a brow. That seems awfully high for a nice neighborhood like this.

The door opens and I’m staring at… I have no idea who he is. He’s oddly familiar and yet, I’m positive I don’t know him. Maybe I’ve seen him around campus? I must have knocked on the wrong house.

He smirks. “Hi, Coach.”

Well, at least that confirms that he’s a student. “Hello,” I return as I try to place him.

It’s clear he finds me amusing. Stepping back, he gestures for me to come in and I step into the kitchen where Alka is. Okay, right house.

“Hey,” Alka greets, smiling. “Find us okay?”

I nod and set the case of beers on the counter. “I know you said I didn’t need to bring anything, but it felt weird not to. So I brought beer, chips and dips, and a cake.”

Alka laughs as the young man heads into the other room. I watch after him, still trying to puzzle this together. I’m mostly confident that Alka isn’t old enough to have a kid in college. Like, 90% sure.

He wipes his hands on a dish towel and gestures for me to follow the way the kid has gone. He’s sitting in a chair and there’s another man there who I’m guessing is Alka’s husband.

I guess correctly when Alka says, “This is my husband Oscar and our boyfriend Roux.”

Ah. I knew Alka was married. He’d even said that he has a porn star husband. Which I’m assuming is Oscar. Unless he’s hiding a fourth man in this house somewhere. Then Lemon’s words come back to me.

“You’re a student?” I ask Roux.

He nods. “Yep. This is my last year.”

“Soccer, right?”

Roux smirks. “Yes.”

“How’d you hear?” Alka asks.

“Lemon.”

His smile fades. “Yeah?”

I laugh. “He was complaining about the age restriction being lifted on the auction because one of his players was hinting at him. I basically inferred that it was a waste of time because obviously that’s against the rules. He cited two current reasons that it’s not—one of his previous players is now married to the provost, their relationship starting while he was still a student. And you.”

Alka sighs. He’s standing between the two pieces of furniture where his men are sitting. He cups Roux’s chin and I watch as they stare at each other with hearts in their eyes. I smile as I watch them. I’ve always been a sucker for love.

Apparently, I’m shit at it, though.

“It’s a well-known secret,” Alka says. “We don’t necessarily hide it and we don’t pretend it’s not true when asked, but we also don’t announce it either. For no other reason than he does play soccer for me. However, I’ve removed myself from any responsibility that concerns his play time until he’s graduated.”

“I’m not judging, man. Just putting the pieces together.”

He sighs and bends to kiss Roux’s lips before falling onto the couch beside Oscar. He’s been quiet, just watching the conversation unfold.

My gaze lands back on Roux as I try to figure out why he’s so familiar. I haven’t made it to a soccer event, so I know that’s not where I’ve seen him.

“Did you know Elixon Kipler?” Roux asks.

“The hockey player?” Amused, he smiles. “Yeah. We were on the same team for six months, I think. Why do you ask?”

“He’s my older brother. I’m told we look alike. I’ve been called the ‘younger version of Lix’ many times in my life.”

“Ah,” I say and he grins. “That’s why you look so familiar.”

He laughs, rolling his eyes. “Yes. I can always tell when someone’s trying to figure out why they know me and if they’re involved with hockey or a fan of hockey, it’s a good bet they’re seeing Lix.”

“Sorry. That probably gets obnoxious.”

Roux shrugs. “I have the best brother, so there are definitely worse things.” He looks at me for a minute. “Don’t tell him I said that, though.”

I chuckle. “We’re not really friends. I haven’t spoken to him since we were on the same team.”

“Too bad. He really is the best.”

Grinning, I nod. “I’m sure he is.”

Alka and Oscar are watching our exchange, both with smiles. It’s not hard to see their adoration of Roux whenever they look in his direction.

When Oscar’s attention is back on me, I ask, “So, I know everyone’s profession except yours. What do you do?”

Roux snorts. Oscar’s smile climbs.

“Porn. Remember?” Alka says.

“Oh,” I say, feeling my face heat. “Right. But… currently?”

“Currently, I’m sitting on the couch,” Oscar deadpans, smirking at me. “But yes, I still make adult content.”

My eyes flicker around the room as I try to make this make sense.

“Oscar and I have always had an open relationship,” Alka explains. “For him, it’s for his work. For me, it’s because I’ve always needed…” he trails off before his eyes settle on Roux. “I’ve always needed Roux.”

“That’s sappy,” I comment.

He laughs. “I don’t really know how to explain it. When I’ve said I needed something more, they accuse Oscar of not being enough. Which is not the case at all. I’ve heard ‘if your husband wasn’t fucking everyone and just you, you’d feel differently.’ Believe me when I tell you, if it’s nasty and/or inaccurate, I’ve heard it. But it’s not the case. I feel like my entire life I’ve known I needed two men, but I’ve never been able to put into words why. I still can’t. Just that I knew I was looking for someone else and after a lot of failed attempts, Roux showed up.”

“You just had to wait for me to be born,” Roux teases, making Oscar snort and Alka laugh while he rolls his eyes.

I chuckle. “I’m seriously not judging you. Just curious.”

“Yeah, I believe that. I’m just saying. We’re a closed triad now, except for Oscar’s work.”

“This is going to sound judgmental, and I swear I don’t mean it that way. But I kind of thought porn stars give up their work when they get into a serious relationship.”

Oscar smiles. “I go on breaks from time to time, though my accounts stay active because I have a massive backlog of banked content for that specific reason. But it’s a lifestyle that works for us and we don’t really expect anyone to understand or accept it. Just respect that we’re happy.”

“I bet there’s a lot of ugly out there that you face,” I say, frowning.

“On all sides,” Alka agrees, nodding. “Gay, polyamorous, sex work, age gap, coach/athlete. Basically, if there’s a stereotype against it, we seem to have embodied it.”

“But some of that shit’s not true,” Roux says. He looks at me with annoyance. “The one I hate the most and get really hot over is listening to people say I was groomed.”

“Groomed?” I ask, only vaguely familiar with the word.

He nods. “That Alka groomed me to be his lover. I was vulnerable and trusting as his player and he took advantage of that.”

I frown, looking at Alka. “That’s shitty.”

Alka shrugs. “Roux’s an adult. He was an adult when we met. He’s an adult now. People can talk all they want. We’re fine.”

“Still pisses me off,” Roux mutters.

I can definitely see that.

“Besides, we met before I was on his team. In the middle of the ocean when I wasn’t even a student of RDU,” Roux points out.

“That’s shitty,” I say again. “I’ve always thought people have far too much time on their hands when they spend so much of their energy focused on spewing their hate and opinions about shit that doesn’t concern them and isn’t affecting them.”

“Yes!” Roux shouts. “Exactly. I’d like to kick a soccer ball against all their fucking heads.”

“Easy,” Oscar coos.

Roux huffs, slumping in his chair. He seems to be fighting the small smile on his lips.

Alka gets to his feet again and leans down to kiss Roux’s forehead. “Want a drink?” he asks me.

I nod and get up to follow. He doesn’t argue, so I trail him back into the kitchen.

“What’re you in the mood for?” He glances at the beer.

“It’s a little early for that, no?”

Alka laughs. “You brought it.”

“Water, please. I try to keep to water most of the day.”

He nods and hands me a bottle from the fridge. “You okay?”

I watch him as I swallow a couple large mouthfuls of water before pulling it down. “Yeah. Why?”

Alka shakes his head. “You’ve seemed a little off lately.”

I sigh. Love that everyone sees it. But I really don’t want to talk about my failure as a human being right now, so I shake my head. “I’ll be fine. I’ve made a mess of some things and just need to get it straightened out.”

His nod is slow as he watches me. Maybe puzzling out the meaning behind what I said. My life feels embarrassing right now. I don’t want to admit that I’m having an affair. I can’t. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

And yet, this is the longest I haven’t thought about Lemon since he first kissed me. But I know it’s not for a reason that’s commendable. I’ve been absorbed into Alka’s story. Into his life.

I’m a shit human. I don’t need Alka to agree with me to know that. Right now, I want to spend the day thinking about literally anything but that.