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Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

HANSLEY

I drop onto the bed and close my eyes. The last two weeks have been… tense. As it should, it’s starting to take a toll on my marriage. Whatever’s left of it.

Jessica knows something’s wrong with me. She knows I’m hiding something. But she’s so damn sweet and trusting, she hasn’t once asked what it is. She thinks I’m stressed at work. I’d mentioned Lemon when I first started and his immediate hostility toward me, so she’s assumed that he’s making my job harder than it already is.

Hearing her say Lemon’s name feels like a knife to my gut. She’s so close and yet so far.

Our sneaking around has picked up since the second time we fucked—the time in his office. It’s like we’re somehow drawn to each other, and we end up crossing paths frequently. A lot. Far more than we have any business to.

I don’t exactly seek him out, but I am more conscious of people around me. Constantly looking at every face until I find the one that makes my heart race.

We’ve fucked two more times since his office. Once in his car late at night after the parking lot had mostly cleared out and another time in one of the empty offices in the athletic building.

It gets hotter every time. More addicting. Lemon breaks down a little more. His declarations of hate become weaker and weaker.

Except, he still doesn’t stop running after. I keep meaning to corner him and demand an explanation, but I haven’t been successful in that yet. How can I when every time we’re alone it leads to my dick in his ass? Or his throat. Or my tongue in his mouth.

The magnetic physicality between us is too intense to ignore. Believe me, I tried. Until I gave up and… well, I’m not exactly embracing it, but I’m kind of hoping it runs its course. Like, cool, I like ass. That’s nice. Now we can move on.

I hate the pang my heart gives at the thought of Lemon being a passing phase. Because it means that my marriage is over. If I’m being honest with myself, it’s already over. I’m just the only one who knows it.

Facing Jessica is… awful. Being in my house is far too difficult because I know I’m a shitty person for doing this to her. She’s going to be devastated. Crushed. If anyone deserves to be hurt, Jessica’s the very last person.

You don’t meet many people like Jessica. She’s truly good. Not someone who tries to be good for the camera in case they’re watching. Not someone who’s sometimes good but is also arrogant and greedy.

She is the epitome of good people.

And I’ve fucked up. Huge. To someone who definitely didn’t deserve it.

I rub my hands over my face and force myself to come up with a plan. Which should be simple and straightforward. I need to come clean to Jessica. I need to apologize and grovel. For her to understand that this is not a reflection of her, but my own shortcomings.

But I also need a divorce. Which means splitting assets, selling the house unless she wants it, moving for the second time in a handful of months. Facing the media.

“Fuck,” I mutter.

I’ve spent my entire career managing to be a sweetheart in the media’s eyes. While I don’t truly have to care quite as much as I once did about what’s on the internet about me, I’m also conscious of the fact that I represent RDU as their employee and hockey coach.

“Divorce is not uncommon,” I mutter to myself. “Neither is having an affair.”

The words make me flinch. Yes, let’s normalize it instead of villainizing it like it should be. I roll my eyes at myself, knowing I’m the villain in my own story.

Maybe what I should do is give my agent a heads up. I keep him on for hockey-related things because… maybe nostalgia? I don’t know. Maybe I should also give my lawyer a call. He’s not a divorce lawyer, but he did handle my prenup.

Something that Jessica suggested, and I just humored her on.

My phone pings and I wince. Even from a distance, I don’t think I have the stomach to face my wife right now. But as I’m lying there, I realize that’s not my usual notification sound.

Frowning, I reach for my phone.

One of the coolest things about Rainbow Dorset is that they have their own social media app called the Pride Room. I haven’t checked it out thoroughly yet. I’ve meant to, but there’s always something else to be doing and it just gets pushed to the side.

Anyway, that’s the sound. The Pride Room app telling me I have a message. My stomach flips when I see it’s from Lemon.

I contemplate ignoring it. At this rate, regardless of what I’m doing with that man, my marriage is over. The least I could do is stop having an affair until I’ve at least told her it’s over. Right? Is that even in the same ballpark as trying to be respectful and noble or some shit?

However, I’m a weak, weak man and click on the notification.

Lemon Frost

The auction is a stupid idea.

I raise a brow. Honestly, I can’t keep up with this man.

Hansley Bardot

Didn’t you claim it was your idea? Seems a little silly to say it’s a stupid idea now.

Lemon Frost

Funny. Why did you change the age restrictions?

Hansley Bardot

We got a lot of pushback from the students complaining that we’re age shaming and trying to force them to date in their own age group, which was being stupidly hypocritical. I couldn’t disagree with them since they were right.

Lemon Frost

The kids are now hinting they want staff to bid on them.

Hansley Bardot

Isn’t that against the rules? And you’re not bidding on them. You’re bidding on the date.

Lemon Frost

Technicalities! And no, it’s not against the rules.

I raise a brow. I didn’t see that coming.

Lemon Frost

A few years ago, I had a kid on my team who got with Provost Kendrick Keller during his sophomore year. They married a year later—while he was still a student, so yeah… not a rule though cautioned against depending on the relationship.

I’m speechless. My mouth opens and closes a few times.

Hansley Bardot

That’s wild.

Lemon Frost

It was… weird as fuck. But yeah. They’re still married. Brevan comes to visit from time to time. He went pro for a year or two. It was short, but it was his own choice. He wanted to focus on his marriage. Cute and disturbing.

A grin spreads over my face, and I roll to my side, settling into the pillow.

Lemon Frost

Also, your bestie there dated a student last year. He’s still on his team too.

I’m not entirely sure what he’s talking about. The only other coach I talk to regularly is Alka, but he hasn’t mentioned having a lover on his team. Although, I guess, why would he?

Hansley Bardot

So not a rule. Got it. Who are you bidding on?

Lemon Frost

I’m not! These kids are half my age, Hansley!

My heart jumps. That’s the first time he’s said my name. It’s always Bardot. Keeping distance between us. Keeping it impersonal. This might just be a chat, but I think he might have just closed the gap a little. I’m growing on him.

Hansley Bardot

I don’t think that’s an issue for some. Hence the reason we had to lift the age restrictions and allow them to mark their own preferences and comfort level.

Lemon Frost

It’s weird. I literally call them my kids. MY. KIDS. I sure as fuck can’t date one of them. Not even for a good cause.

Hansley Bardot

So what I’m getting from this is that one of your players wants to date you.

Lemon Frost

I’m touched that you think this is amusing but it’s really not. Also, I’m not sure he wants a date. He’s been hinting for quite a while now and that hint just became a statement.

I laugh and close my eyes. He’s not yelling at me. Besides the morning I caught him tripped up because he overslept, this is the only time he’s not been yelling at me.

Although, if I’m being honest, I think he’s yelling on principle now. There’s no heat or heart behind it anymore.

Hansley Bardot

Which one? Maybe I’ll fight you on the bid.

Lemon Frost

That’s not funny. And would you really know who it is if I told you a name? You seem to have no interest in football.

Hansley Bardot

That’s because you accused me of stealing your plays the one time I watched. So no, I likely wouldn’t know who you’re talking about.

Lemon Frost

I better not see any of my plays on your ice.

Hansley Bardot

It’s ‘on the ice’ and I’m flattered that you’ve been watching our games.

When there’s a pause in his response, I think I got him on that. My stomach flutters. He’s been watching hockey. For me?

Lemon Frost

Hockey is barbaric.

Hansley Bardot

Says the man whose sport is to slam into someone as hard as they can as soon as the play begins!

Lemon Frost

We’re not punching each other and trying to throw down on the ice. It’s like a big pissing contest.

Hansley Bardot

Trust me—there’s far less of that these days than there used to be. Rules have changed.

Lemon Frost

Not enough. And you just sit there and chase around a black dot and try to hit it with a stick! I mean, it might as well be baseball.

Hansley Bardot

Take that back! We have far more action in hockey than baseball.

Lemon Frost

Ohhh, hit a nerve!

We spend far too long bantering about hockey and football. Long into the night, I’m still chatting with him about nothing. Nothing at all. And yet, hours go by, and I don’t stop smiling. It isn’t until I’m falling asleep that I realize how sad that is.

Not because I’m connecting with him. Or because of the way my heart hasn’t stopped racing and my smile won’t fall away.

But because that’s not my wife. I need to crawl back home and beg for her forgiveness. Not forgiveness and take me back. There’s no turning back from this path now. My love for Jessica is not what it was.

My fault. It’s all my fault.

Nonetheless, I need to beg for her forgiveness, knowing that I don’t deserve it and I won’t be upset at all if she doesn’t give it to me. She deserves more and the best thing I can do at this point is let her go so she can find her better.

It’s just not me.

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