CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Noah needed a minute alone. "I'll be right back," he told Cooper as he stood up and walked into the bathroom. After getting rid of the condom, he washed his hands before running them, wet, over his face. Just like Cooper hadn't been able to, Noah couldn't find the words to describe what just happened. Christ, he hated getting emotional over this. It wasn't like he'd never had sex before…but he hadn't made love. And that's exactly what they'd done.

All he could think about was what if Coop decided he couldn't come out? What if he wanted to keep them hidden forever, or decided being with another man wasn't what he wanted? If he decided he didn't want to risk Vernon's wrath or deal with shit at work. It would kill him to lose Cooper again, to lose him in a way he hadn't before.

Chill the fuck out, Jameson. You're losing it.

After grabbing a towel from the rack, he wiped his face before going back out to Cooper again. He laid on his back, naked, his cock amazingly half-hard.

Noah's heart thump ed, blood rushing through him. "I brought you a towel," he said, not sure what else to say.

Cooper turned his head and smiled at him. "You never cleaned us up before."

"That's because I like the evidence of what I do to you, between us." He shrugged. "But I want, no need to take care of you, Coop." Noah walked to the side of the bed, and wiped Cooper's stomach with the partially wet towel, before tossing it to the floor.

"We take care of each other, yeah? Just like we used to." Cooper grabbed Noah's wrist and pulled him down.

He was lost. Fucking sunk. All because of the man in bed with him right now. "Come here," he told Coop, and he obeyed. Coop rolled over, and wrapped an arm around Noah. The weight felt right there, heavy and perfect. Reaching over, Noah turned off the light. "Go to sleep. We have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow."

Noah felt like he'd just closed his eyes when his stomach growled, waking him up. Their room was already bright with light, telling him it was fairly late in the morning. He hadn't meant to sleep so late. They were going back home tomorrow morning and he wanted to spend as much time with Coop as possible.

And here I go being a sap again. It's not like we don't live together.

But today was also the anniversary of his parents' death. He wanted the day to be fun for Cooper.

Noah pressed his lips to the top of Cooper's head. "Wake up, baby. I need food." He knew Cooper would , too. The other man was always hungry when he first woke up.

Cooper rolled over, and then winced. "Fuck."

"I'm sorry you're sore." Noah kissed him again.

Coop's sleepy eyes caught his. "I'm not."

Noah leaned in. As their lips were about to touch, Coop's stomach growled this time, making both men laugh. "Food first. I'll kiss and make it better later." Noah winked, trying not to smile at the cheesiness of his own line.

Both men climbed out of the bed and went to shower together. It about killed Noah not to touch him but he knew if he did, he'd want to fuck Cooper again. He wanted him to get a break, because he definitely had to be even sorer than he was letting on.

He watched as Coop dried off, then , pulled on a pair of boxer-briefs and shorts. His T-shirt stretched over the muscles that Noah loved so much, and damned if he didn't start to get hard.

"If you keep looking at me like that, we're never getting out of here." Coop's eyebrows went up.

"I can't help it. You're sexy."

"And you're not? Still, if we don't eat I might waste away , and then I won't have any energy left for tonight."

Noah laughed, pulling his shirt over his head. "We wouldn't want that."

They went to an out-of-the-way diner and had breakfast. Questions ate a hole through Noah. Was Cooper okay? Was he thinking about his parents and hiding it? Was this thing between them really going to work?

He kept them all locked inside, thinking there was a better time to discuss it than now.

After lunch they headed to the lake. They had fishing supplies, chairs and whatever else they needed in the back of Coop's truck. They parked on the side of the tree-lined, quiet road before making the short hike down a hill, and to the water.

They had their fishing poles in the water for about an hour when Noah looked over at Coop in the chair beside him. He hated asking but couldn't stop himself. "How ya doing, man?"

"About which thing? Because of what today is or because of what we did last night?"

Noah shrugged. "I don't know. Both, I guess." His heart paused its beat, waiting for Cooper's answer.

"I know I should feel strange, because of last night, but I don't. I'm shocked I did it, and more shocked that I liked it so much. There's a part of my mind that still tells me this isn't what I should be doing. I shouldn't want you inside me, Noah, but I do. That part is stronger by a million times. I guess… ," he stopped as if to think over his words. "I guess, it doesn't matter what I think I should want. What matters is what I need, and that's this, whatever this thing is between us. I feel more like myself when I'm with you, than I ever have."

Noah's heartbeat began again. He reached over and laid a hand on Cooper's strong arm. "Such a fucking sweet talker," he teased.

"I know. I'm good, right?"

Even though it had been Noah who lightened their moment, he didn't let it last. "It might be different for me because I've been with men, but everything else is the same. I've only ever felt completely at ease when I was with you."

Cooper grinned. "See? I am good."

Noah shook his head. "You're an ass. Now what about the rest of it? Your parents?"

"I still miss 'em like hell, Noah. There's a part of me that knows it's been so long, I shouldn't feel it this deeply, but I do. I'm okay though. I think they'd be happy to know I'm happy."

He had no doubt Cooper's words were true, but the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes , said his lover was feeling things more than he wanted to share. That had always been Coop. He felt guilt for things that weren't his fault. And Noah knew Cooper would always blame himself for leaving his parents behind in that house, even though there was no way he could have saved them.

Before Noah could push the conversation farther, Coop's fishing pole jerked in his hand. "Well lookie here, Noah. Looks like I'm catching dinner."

***

Catching the fish couldn't have come at a better time. He'd known Noah would push things and Cooper wasn't in the mood to deal with it. Not that he minded talking to Noah about it. The man was about the only person he really could, but not now. Not this weekend. He wanted this to be about them.

The fish had turned out too small to do much of anything with so they'd thrown it back. Cooper stood next to Noah's chair ready to do something other than fish. "Go swimming with me." He nodded toward the water.

Noah didn't need to be asked twice. He reeled in his pole before taking off his shirt and dropping it on his chair. Cooper caught sight of that dragon tattoo on Noah's upper back that he loved so much. It continued to surprise him how sexy he found Noah.

After both stripping down to their underwear, they headed for the water. Coop watched as Noah dunked his head under before breaking the surface again, shaking out his dark, wet hair. Would he ever get tired of watching Noah? Even doing the simplest things like that?

They swam for a while before Noah snuck up behind him and wrapped his arms around Cooper's waist. They floated together, water running down each of their faces. When he looked at Noah, there was no doubt in his mind that this was it for him. That he really was in love with him.

It was scary but not nearly as much as he would have thought.

"Do you know how hard it is for me to keep my hands off you?" Noah kissed the back of his neck before pressing his teeth in.

Cooper shivered. Damn he loved the feel of Noah marking his skin. "About as hard as it is for me to keep mine off you?"

"Harder." Noah kissed him again. Then Noah was pulling him toward the bank. When they got there, he went straight to his knees, pulling Cooper's cock free and wrapping his lips around him.

"You are so good at that." He gripped Noah's hair as the other man sucked him off. It didn't take long for him to shoot his release to the back of Noah's throat.

When he t ried to do the same for Noah, he wouldn't let him.

"You can owe me. Don't worry. I won't let the debt go unpaid." He smiled. "That was just for you."

"Sucking your cock would be for me, too."

Noah's face flushed with what Cooper recognized as desire. Still he said, "Later."

They cleaned up their supplies and headed back to the truck. Cooper couldn't remember a time he'd laughed and had so much fun as they did that night. They went to dinner again before watching some sports on TV. They drank a few beers and talked about when they were kids, and all the hell they used to raise together.

When they went to bed, Noah wrapped himself around Cooper, holding him. They kissed and touched, Cooper just enjoying the feel of all the planes of Noah's body. Noah kissed his forehead. "No sex tonight." Then his lips. "And no complaining." His lips pressed down on Cooper's chest next. "Because I'll give in, and I don't want to hurt you."

Cooper laughed, pulling Noah down so he rested all of his weight on Coop before closing his eyes and going to sleep.

"Daddy! Where's Dad?" Cooper yelled. His whole body burned. His throat and chest hurt. And it was so hot. So hot he felt like he was cooking.

"G o, Coop. I need you to go." His mom flinched, as the heavy beam shifted on top of her.

Tears Flooded down Cooper's face as his mom started crying too.

"I love you, kiddo. Just go. Now."

"I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you!"

"Cooper, baby. Wake up. You're dreaming."

Noah's voice pulled him out of the past. His whole body shuddered as Noah pulled him closer. Flipped them so Noah laid on his back, partially sitting up, with Coop lying between his legs. His head rested on Noah's stomach as he fought to catch his breath. Goddamned dream. He didn't want to taint their time here. Didn't want to ruin it with the past that Cooper couldn't seem to let go.

" Shh. It's okay. I'm here. It was just a dream." Cooper relaxed into Noah as the man stroked his hair.

"It's been twenty years. Why can't I get over it, Noah?" His voice cracked on his lover's name. It made Cooper feel weak. He hated that.

"Because they were your parents. Because you still haven't forgiven yourself for living."

"I left her. I could have saved her, at least."

"No." He continued running his fingers through Cooper's hair. "You couldn't have. You were a child. You did what your mom told you to do. What she wanted you to do. You would have died, too. You couldn't have saved them, baby." Noah tilted his head up, so Cooper looked at him, the moon giving them enough light to see. "You didn't run. You didn't leave them. You lived and that takes a whole lot of strength. It was the right thing to do."

Fuck, he wanted that to be true. Wanted Noah's words to be carved into stone, into his past , so maybe, he could believe it. "Was it the right thing? Vernon always pushed me to be strong. To be a man. If I would have been stronger then—"

"Fuck that, Coop. Did he tell you that?" Noah's whole body was stone beneath him.

"No." He didn't have to. I know he thought it. Vernon always did the right thing. He was always strong.

"It's not your fault, baby." Noah's thumb brushed his cheek. "You are the strongest person I know. Even being here with me ; that's so fucking strong, Coop. God, when we were kids, I looked up to you, so much. You were this light in the darkness, this bright spot that always made everything better. When you spoke, people listened. Everyone loved you. They still do. Why can't you see all that you are? When I left, that was what kept me going. You'd been through so much more than me, but you kept going. I wanted so fucking badly to be just like you."

Noah's words pumped through him. They echoed through his head, pulsed blood through his heart. "I ran straight to your house when I got home that weekend. I wanted to tell you about the game. It felt like I lost everything when I found that house empty. You say I was all those things to you , but you were them as well, to me. I wonder," Cooper paused, but then decided he didn't give a shit how this sounded—it was real and honest and he wanted Noah to know it-- "Hell, maybe in some way I was even in love with you back then."

Noah sucked in a deep breath. "What?"

"I said I'm in love with you, Noah. Don't pretend you don't know, to hear me say it again."

Noah didn't laugh as he'd hoped. This would have been a lot easier if he did.

"I love you too, Coop. I've always loved you."

Cooper let out a breath, he didn't realize he held.

After that, the room when silent. Noah didn't move from under him, so Cooper rested his head on Noah's stomach again, still lying with Noah's legs around him.

They went to sleep, holding each other, the way he hoped they always would.