10. Lyla
Walking into the clubhouse, I sense something is wrong. The energy was off when I drew my cards this morning, and I know better than to test the universe. Still, I dragged myself out of the house and across the compound.
Something has started to tip. One inch and it's all going to fall off balance.
Sage is finally back from his run, but I haven't seen him since he returned two days ago. I'm not sure if he's avoiding me or if Kane is keeping him busy, but it's unsettling. The last time we saw each other, I was handing him my virginity and then sneaking out of his room, so I don't know where we stand.
I want to think everything will be okay after what we did. But that's not how things work when you fall for a biker. It doesn't matter if Sage saved himself for me just like I saved myself for him. Once he officially patches in and the realities of the club start to settle, things are going to change whether he wants to believe it or not.
Turning the corner into the clubhouse, I'm met with a room filled with bikers. They're calm this early in the evening. And I try to hold my smile as I search for Sage among them, only to find him standing at the edge of the bar talking with Tiffany.
It's not the first time I've seen them have a conversation, and there's nothing noteworthy about it. But it doesn't matter when she laughs at whatever he says because this wound-up ball of jealousy sitting in my gut clenches. And even if I know Sage wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me—and that what we shared meant as much to him as it did to me—I don't like the person I turn into when I freeze in the doorway.
Sage's eyes meet mine from across the room, and I feel it. One night with him transformed me into my mother. I'm worrying for no reason and obsessing about what-ifs before they even have a chance to come to fruition.
I should trust Sage when he's done nothing to make me doubt his intentions are genuine. But he's a biker and this is how it goes.
Insecurity.
Doubting what I have to offer.
I handed myself to him and haven't heard from him since. He disappeared on a run, and I hid away in the neighborhood.
If Sage really wanted to become something more, he would have told Kane about us already. Or, at the very least, he would have talked to me about it.
He hasn't.
Because the club will always mean more to him than I will, and the fact that he returned to town and hasn't even tried to find me says everything.
The club comes first. Always has. Always will. It might as well be written on their patches.
I don't know what I came here for, but the moment his eyes meet mine, I realize my mistake, and I have to turn and walk away.
This is Kane's life.
Sage's life.
But it's not mine.
I don't want doubt and resentment. I don't want to lose the only man I've ever trusted by trying to force this on him. Doing that will ruin anything good we have, and I can't risk turning us into that.
I've been sitting around the compound waiting for a sign and this is it. It's time for me to go just like Ellie and Reed did.
I barely make it to the front hall of the clubhouse when Sage stops me, somehow closing the distance faster than I could make it to the door. He spins me around and pins me to the wall before I can escape.
"Lyla, wait." Sage tips my chin up when I refuse to look at him. "Where are you going?"
"You're busy."
His eyebrows pinch, and I should appreciate that it takes him a moment to register what I'm talking about because it's proof it's all in my head. But it changes nothing. "Seriously? We were just talking."
"I know that." And I do.
That's not the problem—I am.
I'm falling for him. Hard. It's making me irrational and all I can see is the chaos this will bring if I feed into it.
There's no room for jealousy at the Twisted Kings clubhouse. And that's what this place breeds if you aren't careful. Sage might not be fucking anyone else now, but I don't want us to get to that point.
I know how the members of the club view women. Worse, how they treat them.
They're not as important, and they come second. Sage might tell himself I mean something to him, but he's keeping me a secret. He's not willing to actually pay the price of what it means if we cross that line.
"What's wrong then?" Sage lowers his hands to my hips, but he doesn't step back.
I hate that he really is a good guy. That his eyes open the door to his soul, and I know if I tell him what I want, he'd probably be faithful. He'd believe we could be the exception when we can't. He'd try to give me what I ask for, even if it went against every dream he's ever had.
He wants to be a Twisted King, and I don't want this life at all.
I'm not willing to make myself into someone I'm not. Into a pawn the club's enemies will use against him. I'm not willing to take his freedom away.
"I told you, Sage. I'm not going to be some biker's girlfriend." I step to the side, slipping out of his grip and pulling his hands off me.
"What are you talking about?" He follows me to the front door, not letting it go. "It's not like I became a biker in the past week. I've been prospecting for months. You knew that when we—"
But he doesn't say what we did. Someone might hear, or he might have to admit to himself he crossed a line.
"I knew," I agree because he's right. "And it was everything I wanted it to be. But this is as far as we go."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" His gaze darkens now, and I feel myself closing off. "After what we did? You're seriously going to just fucking walk away?"
"It was just something we had to get out of our system." I'm not sure how the words even get out. I wish I could take them back, but I don't. Saying I don't mean it gives in to the fairytale.
"You don't mean that."
I shrug, not able to confirm or deny because I'd either be lying or feeding the beast I need to stop giving in to.
"Come on, Lyla." He reaches for my hand. "Don't do this. We just need to figure out—"
"What do we need to figure out, Sage?" I roll my shoulders back. "How to tell Kane? How to make this work? What are you asking of me, Sage? To be your girlfriend? To sit around while you go who-knows-where and do who-knows-what for however long Kane needs you? To give up any chance of a future just to be some girl you have waiting around for you at the clubhouse. My mom did that. And do you know where she ended up? With two daughters and a shit apartment in the city once Kane was done with her. I'm not becoming that."
"I wouldn't do that to you."
"You say that now." And he might even mean it. "But you grew up here too. You know how it is."
His jaw tenses, but he doesn't argue because he knows I'm right. The club breeds men incapable of caring about anyone but themselves.
"Ellie's finally back in LA," I say, shifting the conversation. "She moved back when you were out on that last run. And I think it's best if I go to stay with her in the city for a while. Get some distance."
"From me or the club?"
"From both."
Sage's body is rigid. The color drains from his face, and his expression turns to stone with whatever he's thinking. I can sense him wanting to argue, and part of me wishes he would, even if it won't change anything.
We were destiny, and we had that.
Now it's done.
"Okay." Sage nods.
It's ridiculous that one word breaks me. But when he doesn't argue, it proves my point. He isn't going to fight for us just like I can't find the energy to.
"Okay," I repeat, all the air leaving my chest.
"I didn't mean—"
"It's fine." I step back.
"Lyla, I'm not saying I agree with this." His teeth clench, and I sense him holding so much back. "But I'm not going to stop you if you want to leave. It's your decision if that's what you want."
"It's what I want."
At least, it's what I wish I wanted.
"All right. But for the record, I don't agree with this."
"With what?"
"What you're doing to us."
"There is no us, Sage." I shake my head. "Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you told Kane you want to pursue me, or that you have a plan to. Tell me this can actually work, and we won't just fall apart like my parents. Like every couple we've seen try to make a go of it these past seven years. Tell me that there's a chance."
He swallows hard, and I really want him to tell me all those things, but he doesn't.
"Exactly." I gnaw at the inside of my cheek. "I'll see you around, Sage."
"Lyla—" He grabs my wrist a final time when I turn to go, and I hate that his touch is all I've ever needed when I can't have it. "Wait. At least let me drive you. Where is Ellie even staying?"
"Somewhere downtown. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'll find it."
"Please."
"I'm sorry." I pull out of his grip. "Just let me go."
I want to disappear. I want to have never given in to this so I wouldn't have to feel the loss.
But as Sage stands still and I walk away from him, I know there's no hope, and there's no moving on.