18. Special K Loses His Shit

Chapter eighteen

Special K Loses His Shit

L eader One stood beside me. "I want to see you both at HQ. Now." He pointed at Doolittle. "I might have expected this from him, but not you. Never you, K."

Doolittle looked up from where he'd been talking to the bird. He straightened himself, and when Leader One walked off, he came over. "What was that about?"

"He saw us." I had never felt so dejected.

"What exactly do you mean?"

"He saw us. Kissing. After…" I couldn't even say it. The body was still lying there in the dirt. The agents hadn't come to collect it yet. There was still a lot of chaos going on between figuring out who was working with the triplets and who had been hypnotized. Taking the final culprit into custody was more important than all of that. Everyone around us was busy.

"Are we in trouble?"

"What do you think?"

"Well, we got the bad guys. So it can't be too bad."

"You shot him." It wasn't a question, but Doolittle nodded. He wasn't going to let them take me. I didn't blame him. I just didn't do well with death. "They said…" I swallowed, trying to tell him. "They said they were going to trade me for their brother. They said they fed us the information through him. They have a weird connection. Whatever." I sighed and kicked at the sand, making it spray over his body. "If SPAM didn't make the trade, they were going to sell me with this batch ." I hated how they made it sound like people were things to be sold. "He said I would be someone's property. To do with as they wanted."

"It didn't happen. I wouldn't let it happen." Doolittle pulled me into a hug.

But I pushed him away. "This is what got us in trouble. This." I gestured between him. "We didn't keep our relationship off the field. It could have been worse. What if you didn't stop them?"

"I did."

Too many emotions were clouding my judgements. I knew it, but I couldn't stop it. "Fuck. We have to go back to HQ. Now."

"Now?"

"Yes. Leader One wants us off the field. He's meeting us there." The threat of not doing as he wanted was implied but no less scary. "Come on."

We took one of the smaller transports and drove into the city. I let Doolittle drive. I was too shaken up. After we parked in the motor pool, I went to the locker rooms for a shower and changed into fresh slacks and short-sleeved button-up before heading to the same conference room—345. When I got there, it was empty. I flicked the lights on, sat at the table, and ran my fingers over the top. Would this be the last time I was in this conference room? Would Leader One kick me off his team? Was I even officially on his team?

That was the thing about working for SPAM. A lot of times, you went along with whatever someone who seemed to have authority told you because you didn't really know who was in charge, who knew what, or who had what security clearance. If someone seemed to know more, you followed them. You rarely got straight answers. And never the whole story. But I loved every bit of it. And I wanted to be on Leader One's team. I wanted to be wanted for missions. I wanted to be valuable. As valuable as Wren's lost potential could have ever been.

Doolittle came into the room and sat beside me. "I'm sorry, K."

"For what? Would you really have done anything differently?"

"No." He tapped his fingers on the table beside mine. I wanted to hold his hand. I didn't. "I do not regret saving you. I never will. And. I love you, K. I was so relieved…"

"I know. It's…I don't know. Just shut up." I put my hands in my lap, trying to hold myself back from reaching for him. I knew he was hurting too. But I couldn't do anything about that. Not yet, anyway. "Let's wait and see what Leader One has to say. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

We didn't wait much longer. Leader One stormed into the room, showing more emotion than I'd seen from him so far. "You two." He huffed and dropped to his chair. "You should have come to me. Told me what was going on. This is unacceptable."

"We can't help our feelings." Doolittle wasn't helping, and I wanted to kick him.

"But you can help who you tell and when. Bad decisions. It shows me that you're not ready for fieldwork. You're both suspended until further notice."

"But…" I started but Leader One left the room as stormy as he'd entered it.

"K…" Doolittle touched my shoulder.

Fury washed over me. "No. Don't. This is your fault."

"What? Come on, Kyler…"

"Stop. Don't call me that." I stood and walked toward the door.

"Wait."

I turned on him—blamed him. Because I had to have something to focus this anger on, and he was the closest thing. "This is your fault." And maybe some of it was. I let him in when I should have focused on the case. Anger boiled, uncontrollably within. "You spoiled brat. This is what you wanted in the first place. It doesn't matter to you. My career is everything to me, and you're ruining it. You want to go do nothing? Drink your life away? Fine. Here's your chance, but you're not dragging me down with you. I'm done." I barely looked at him standing there with his mouth hanging open before I slammed out the door.

I wasn't being reasonable. My emotions were flooding me. I had to get away from there. I hated myself for saying those things. I probably hurt him using some of the same things his mother might have said to him. I never wanted to be that person, lashing out because I was angry. But I wasn't ready to take it back either.

Suspended.

Leader One basically cut me open, flayed me, with one word. I was gutted.

I stopped and picked up boxes on the way back to my apartment. I was packing up. One way or another, I was leaving this place. I couldn't live here anymore, no matter what happened. I didn't know where the fuck I was going, but something was changing. The next few hours were spent sorting through crap, throwing a bunch of stuff away, and dropping crap into boxes. I didn't stop until I felt dirty, sweaty, and tired. My hands were dry and cracking—like my soul.

When I stopped, my living room was bare and what little second-hand furniture I had was shoved to the edges and boxes filled the room instead. Dropping to the floor, I covered my face. And finally, I wept.