Chapter nine

Waking up, I look at my phone to check the time and see a bunch of messages waiting.

Queers Love Capitalism Group Chat

Gio: Shopping tonight.

Perry: Love the GC name. I’m in.

Luke: In

Tucker: FFS Gio *side eye emoji* I’m down for shopping.

Bradley: I can’t. I have a frat meeting.

Nate: Sorry, I can’t tonight. Can one of you pick me up a pack of boxers, please? I’ll Venmo you the money.

Perry: Sure *devil emoji*

Nate: FML.

Me: I’m in. Need to be back for movie night though.

An idea hits me. I need a buffer between Ryder and me. He’s being…confusing. And if he continues being like this, I’m going to do something stupid. Like get my heart broken.

Me: Does anyone want to come to nineties movie night?

Perry: Luke and I can’t. We’re working on an assignment.

Luke: Thanks for the invite though.

Gio: Count me in.

Tucker: Yeah, sounds fun.

Gio tells the group chat when and where to meet, so I finish getting dressed and head downstairs.

I head straight for the refrigerator to get some orange juice.

“I’ve already got the orange juice on the table.” I jump, totally not noticing Kait’s already at the kitchen table.

“Holy crap, you scared the life outta me,” I say with my hand over my racing heart.

She laughs at me. “I made breakfast.”

There’s a stack of pancakes, butter, and syrup already on the table, along with orange juice and even a cup of coffee. I look at her quizzically.

“What is going on right now?”

“Nothing. We haven’t hung out just us in a while, and I thought it would be nice to have breakfast together.” I sometimes forget just how cute my sister can be.

“Thanks, Kait. So, what’s going on with you?” I ask.

“Well, there’s a potential guy. I don’t know. I like him.”

“What about you?”

“I am guy-less.”

“Why is that?”

“Not any particular reason,” I stutter, busying myself with adding butter to my pancakes.

“Lexi.”

“Kait. Seriously, there’s no particular reason. As you know, I’m demi, so it’s harder to meet guys. I tried hooking up when I was still figuring things out, and it just didn’t work. It wasn’t for me, so there are no guys on the horizon.”

If this was TikTok, I swear that sound “She knows. I know she knows” would be blasting through my tinny phone speakers right now.

I haven’t said that there isn’t a crush. I might not want to confirm to my sister that I’m in love with her best friend, but I’m not gonna lie to her. Ever.

“These pancakes are so good,” I say, stuffing my mouth full so I can’t answer anything else. She stares at me for another five seconds before sighing and nodding.

“I got the recipe from Pa. He does the best pancakes.”

“Yeah.” Kait seems content to let me continue making small talk until we both have to leave for school. At least we’re not talking about the big Ryder-shaped elephant in the room. I know she knows I like him. But I don’t know how she feels about it. There’s no way Ryder feels the same way I do, anyway. That’s why my movie night plans are smart. I need to remember that Ryder isn’t interested.

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I usually like my classes. I know exactly what I want to do with my life, which I think is lucky for a twenty-one-year-old on a college cheer squad. So yeah, I generally like my classes, but today they dragged. I really need this shopping trip.

“So,” Gio says, clapping as we enter the mall. “Where do you want to look first?”

Tucker looks around like he’s out of his element. He literally gulps. “Well, oh, I could do with some new underwear too.”

“Okay, cool. Let’s go to the men’s store.”

We walk into the giant shop, and it’s like a cornucopia of underwear. They have everything a man could want. Everything is organized by style and then colors and prints within that style. It may just be underwear, but it’s so pretty to see.

Tucker takes one look and turns back around, only to be met by Gio.

“I don’t think so,” Gio says, smirking. Tucker says nothing and heads straight to a stand, grabbing a ten-pack of plain black boxes.

“Okay, I am going to stop you right there.” Gio plucks the underwear out of his hands and looks at them. “A small? I would have assumed you’d need a bigger size.”

Tucker goes red and snatches them back. “I picked up the wrong pack.”

Perry walks in front of him, looking him up and down. “While I’m sure plain black underwear looks great on you, I think we should shake it up a bit. You’ve recently gotten out of a relationship, so you need underwear that will make you feel amazing and doesn’t come in a multipack.”

Tucker rolls his eyes. “Okay, Obi-Wan, show me this amazing underwear.” With a cocky smile, Gio leads him to a wall of funky-patterned boxer briefs, Perry and Luke trailing behind.

I leave them to it and head to a section that catches my eye. Lace and satin jocks. I would love the feel of wearing a pair of these under one of my little skirts.

Fucking hell. Lexi, do not get hard looking at the underwear. That’s bound to get me chucked out of the store.

Of course all my thoughts are then sexy. Like the thought of wearing a pair of lace panties and Ryder pressing kisses to my stomach as he slowly takes them off. Or the thought of what it would feel like to have him slide into my hole while I’m wearing one of these lacy jocks. Holy crap, I will definitely need to use my dildo tonight.

“You doing okay?” Perry asks from behind me, making me turn around quickly, knocking into the display. Like it’s happening in slow motion, the display starts to fall before I quickly right it.

“Yeah, I’m great,” I say with the fakest smile. Perry side-eyes me as I deserve but thankfully lets me be. “I thought you were helping Tucker?”

“I think Gio can handle him.”

What about Luke?”

“He’s looking at pajamas. Lexi, do you want me to go away?” Perry says bluntly, crossing his arms.

“No, of course not, I just—” I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I don’t mind Perry knowing that I like to wear lace panties, but I’m not ready for anyone to know that I want to have sex wearing them and other femme clothing.

“These are really pretty,” he says, stepping around me. He holds up a black lace jock and a pair of hot-pink panties. “To be fair, all these colors would look great on you.”

“I don’t really have much opportunity to wear them.”

“Alexis Jonah Hart.”

“That’s not my middle name.”

“I don’t know your middle name. You and your sister are weirdly private about that, and I can’t not middle name you when I’m telling you off.”

“Why are you telling me off?

“Well, if you just listen, I’ll get to that part.”

“Oh, sorry, continue,” I say with a smile. I love aggressively supportive Perry.

“Alexis Jonah Hart, you listen to me right now.” Perry flings the underwear around, gesturing with his hands as he talks. “You do not have to have a man to look pretty. I get that it might be a bonus. It’s a heady, thrilling feeling when your body is appreciated and worshipped. But you don’t need a man to wear what you want.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I know you’re right. I just want there to be a man. Ryder. I want there to be Ryder,” I tell him, my shoulders sagging.

“I really hate seeing you hurt. I think it might be time to say something.”

“No way.” I shake my head so quickly that my brain hurts. "It will make things so awkward when he doesn’t reciprocate.”

Perry’s face is full of sympathy. “Worse than the pain you’re going through now?”

“I’m fine,” I choke out.

“You’re not, but you know I’m here for you,” Perry says with a kind smile. He pulls me into a hug I hadn’t realized I needed.

“Thanks, man.”

“Where should we go next?” he says, pulling away. “I’m thinking the boutique that just opened up near the food court.”

“Sounds good.” We find the others before paying for our purchases. I decide to buy the pretty underwear I’ve been looking at. I pick out the black lace, pink satin, and a teal satin jock. Perry is right. Even if I haven’t got a man, I should feel pretty.

The next two hours are spent wandering from shop to shop. I treat myself to a couple of crop tank tops and some more sweats.

Tucker looks a lot happier than when we started. Which is the whole point of today.

I am determined to be happy even if I don’t have Ryder. I can always be happy and comfortable with who I am.