Chapter three

Iwake with a jaw-cracking yawn and get out of my comfy king-size bed. I have a full day of classes and wish I could stay in bed longer. As I put on sweats and a T-shirt, I notice I didn’t put away my dress last night. My sister is more than happy to barge into my room. I don’t want to explain to her that I like to get off while wearing skirts and dresses. She would try being all supportive and shit and encourage me to wear feminine clothes daily, which isn’t what I want.

I just like wearing them for sexy fun times. The thought of your man being so overcome with desire that he flips your skirt up and enters you then and there is one of the sexiest things ever.

Being demisexual and in love with someone unobtainable means that’s never happened for me. The guys I’ve hooked up with were perfectly fine—all two of them—but the desire was lacking. I don’t know. Sex felt like something I should do rather than something I was excited about. I now know I need a connection with someone to feel that desire. Something that’s really hard to do when you’re already into someone. So when I dress up in sexy short skirts and nightwear, it’s Ryder’s face I picture. It’s thoughts of him that get my dick hard and leaking.

And occasionally Sebastian Stan.

I slip the black negligee into my bottom drawer alongside my other sexy outfits and dildos.

I pad down the stairs and see Ryder’s work boots in the hall. A pang of jealousy hits me when I realize he’s sleeping in my sister’s bed. I know everything’s platonic between them, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing he was in my bed instead.

I always wish Ryder was in my bed.

I wonder if I will ever feel this way about anyone else. I just can’t imagine anyone else’s face in my bed.

I walk through the kitchen and into the laundry room to grab my shirt from the washing machine. The house was bought for my sister and me to live in while attending FVU. We’re really privileged that our dads could afford this for us. It’s a cute two-story Spanish-inspired house, only ten minutes from campus. I’m absolutely in love with it.

Kait and I knew from the beginning that we wanted to live together. People expect us to be inseparable, but that’s not us. We do need to be close, but I can go days without seeing my sister, and it’s the same for her. We just like knowing the other is near. We rarely go days without seeing each other because we’re both on the cheer team.

Shutting the washer door, I hear Kait and Ryder laughing as they enter the kitchen and start rustling around, presumably making breakfast.

I hold the shirt up, and the coffee stain is gone. Thank fuck for that. I really needed a little win today. I don’t care how small. I put it in the dryer and busy myself with some other laundry I need to get done.

Sounds of Ryder talking come through the laundry door. “Okay, but I have definitely slept with every attractive queer guy within a five-mile radius.”

Hurt stabs at me like a thousand tiny knives.

He doesn’t find me attractive.

Oh my god, why am I so intent on hurting my own feelings. I know he isn’t attracted to me. There is no way he wouldn’t say something if he was.

“What about the cheer guys?” I hear my sister say.

“What about them?”

“You’ve never hooked up with anyone on the squad.”

“That would be weird. Like, I’m bound to see them again, and I can’t sleep with someone I might run into. I mean, yeah, of course there’s a chance I’m going to run into someone I slept with before, but I’m not going to sleep with someone if there’s a definite chance.”

That simultaneously manages to cheer me up and crush my hopes. So it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t find me attractive. It’s that I’m on the cheer squad. But probably me being Kait’s brother doesn’t help. Actually, that’s not even a guarantee. He could be saying that because he doesn’t want to say, “Kait, your brother’s gross.”

I don’t know what to think anymore.

Ryder is not doing anything wrong, and I keep getting my feelings hurt. I need to get some space and not see him for a while. I’ll talk to Gio and crash at his place. His family is amazing, and his mom loves it when his friends come over. She’s obsessed with feeding us all the most amazing home-cooked Italian meals.

Feeling a bit better, I walk into the kitchen because I’ve finished doing all my busy work, and sadly, I can’t stay hiding in the laundry room until they’re gone. Kait and Ryder both jump when they see me. Obviously, they didn’t hear me in the laundry room.

“Hi, guys,” I say as I walk quickly through the kitchen. “Oh, I think I’m gonna stay at Gio’s tonight, so I won’t be around for movies.”

“No way, man,” Ryder says, shaking his head vigorously. “You cannot miss out on nineties night!”

I shrug. “Sorry.” And start walking again.

“Please? We will watch Clueless before we do Freddie Prinze Jr.” I turn to see Ryder giving me his puppy-dog eyes. He gave me the same puppy-dog eyes yesterday, and I had to leave the room. It felt like a cute boyfriend-y thing, and it hurt my heart. I guess I’m less immune to his cute face this morning.

He gets a look on his face like he can sense I’m wavering.

“Come on, Lexi, you love Clueless.” I look at him staring at me. Adorable. I challenge anyone to look at Ryder’s face and say no.

“Fine, I’ll come to movie night. See you guys later.” And I finally head out of the room to change and go to class.