Chapter 39

THIRTY-NINE

The drive to the hospital is a blur of fear and pain. My stomach cramps and my inner thighs are slick from the blood still coming out. Terror like I’ve never known fills me when Ty helps me out of the car, and I see the towel I was sitting on covered in dark red blood. A nurse wheels us into an exam room and rushes to get the doctor. Ty stays by my side the whole time, his hand holding mine tight like he’s afraid to let go.

I move my other hand on my stomach, lower and then higher, searching. “She’s not moving,” I whisper, panic gripping my throat so tight it feels suffocating.

Ty’s hand squeezes mine. “What?”

“She’s not moving. She’s normally so active this time of day and she’s not moving.” My voice rises in pitch, and my chest feels heavy as hysteria starts to slither under my skin.

Before he can respond, the doctor walks in. “Hey Lexi, I’m Dr. Price. Let’s see what’s going on, okay?”

The nurse wheels in an ultrasound machine, and Dr. Price squirts some warm gel on my belly and then focuses intently on the screen. The only sound in the room is the faint hum of the machine, until she puts the transducer down and faces me.

“Okay, Lexi, I want you to take a deep breath for me real quick because I can see you’re panicked, and I need you to bring your stress down for the baby.”

I nod my head like I’m some kind of bobblehead doll, but I’m hyperaware of what she hasn’t said yet. “Is she okay?”

“Her heart has slowed and she’s in distress. Did you have any kind of impact on your stomach at all?”

I shake my head profusely. She puts her hand on my arm. “I only ask because it appears you have a placental abruption which is usually caused by some form of trauma to the stomach, but not always. We’re going to get you prepped for an emergency C-section and get baby girl out of there for her safety and yours.”

“But it’s too early. I’m only thirty-four weeks.”

“I want you to take a breath for me, Lexi.” She inhales, gesturing for me to mimic her, and I do, trying to slow my racing heart. As the panic lingers, I realize we’re wasting precious time.

“Please save her,” I plead. “Do whatever it takes.”

“They’re prepping an OR right now. Thirty-four weeks is a little early, but most of her development is done. Once she’s out we’ll assess her and see if she needs any steroids to help out her lungs, but right now the most important thing is getting her out and stopping the bleeding, okay?”

I nod, tears still streaming. I’ve lost a lot in my life, but nothing scares me more than the thought of losing my daughter before I’ve really had her. Before I get to see her smile or laugh or hold her in my arms.

It’s a flurry of movement as nurses come into the room, prepping me. One tries to push Ty into the bathroom to change into some scrubs.

“I’m not leaving her for a second. I’ll change right here if I have to, but I’m not letting go of her hand.”

“It’s okay, Ty. Go get changed. I know you want to be in there when she’s out.”

He bends over, resting his forehead on mine, his eyes searching mine like he’s hunting for something. I’m confused and overwhelmed by the pleading and longing in his gaze.

“I’m going in there for you. With you. I’m not leaving you , Lexi. Not now, not ever.”

Tears fill my eyes. This is not the time for this.

He grips my face, refusing to let me break our connection. “I love you ,” he says, his voice begging me to believe him.

My heart wants to—God, does it want to.“Now’s not the time,” I whisper.

“You’re wrong about that, Precious. You’re at risk here, too, not just our daughter, and like hell will I let you be wheeled in there thinking losing you won’t rip me apart. I won’t lose you. I wouldn’t survive it.”

“Mr. Russell,” one of the nurses interjects, urgency filling her tone. “We really need you to get changed if you’re going in there.”

Without looking away from me, he tells the nurse, “Hold one side and help me put these on over my street clothes. I’m not letting go of her hand. I’m not letting her go,” he repeats, but the second time I know it’s for me, not the nurse.

I think all the women in the room swoon.

But they don’t argue with him. They just work around him holding my hand. Once he’s in scrubs, they wheel me to the operating room, and the whole time, Ty never lets go of my hand.

Throughout the entire procedure, he’s there, always touching me in some way.

And then the most beautiful sound pierces the air. Our daughter’s cries are loud and strong, and tears leak down the sides of my face as the doctors hold her up for us to see.

Ty kisses my forehead, his own eyes bright with tears. “God, she’s perfect, Lexi. I love you so much. I’m so proud of you, and grateful for you.”

I close my eyes, crying as his words find weak links in my armor. My hormones are all over the place, and I can’t make heads or tails of anything except the way he makes me feel in this moment.

Like I’m the most precious gift he’s ever been given.

In our hospital room, I hold my daughter—Lana Rose Russell—in my arms, unable to look away from her sweet face. Her almond-shaped eyes match Ty’s, and her nose is a smaller version of mine.

It’s so bizarre to see my features mirrored on someone else’s face. I trace a finger over her soft cheek, mesmerized as she breathes in and out slowly, her eyes closed in sleep, her tiny little fingers curled into fists and nuzzled near her face.

She’s perfect.

I know no one is perfect, but she is. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this much love so instantaneously. I feel so full it’s like I could burst. Tears fill my eyes and spill over every so often, but for the first time they aren’t from sadness or heartache. They’re from pure gratitude, pure joy that this shining little light is in my arms.

“My little Peanut,” I whisper softly. “Mommy loves you so much.”

I glance over to where Ty fell asleep on the couch that converts to a small bed they had in the room and find him awake, watching me. He’s on his back with one arm under his head while the other rests on his stomach, his head turned in our direction, and something fierce and protective, yet soft in his gaze.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I say softly, also not wanting to wake up Lana.

He shakes his head, his voice rough and low when he speaks. “You didn’t.”

“How long have you been up?”

The corner of his mouth tilts up. “A while.”

Something heavy and charged passes between us. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met,” he says with such sincerity, it adds another crack to my armor.

I break our stare to look down at our daughter. “I’m sure that’s not true. I’ve met your mom.”

“She’s got nothing on you.” He doesn’t even miss a beat.

My gaze shoots to his, my mouth slightly parted. His mom is incredible, loving, devoted. She’s everything I always wished for growing up. She’s how I remember my mom being—what few memories I have of her.

I’m not even close to her level, and yet looking in his eyes, there’s such devotion and honesty there. He believes those words with everything inside him.

“Ty…”

He sits up, putting his elbows on his knees, but his gaze still determinedly locked on mine. “I know I fucked things up. I know I didn’t protect you when I should’ve, but I’ll do better, Lexi. Please don’t shut me out. I’m in this 150%.” He stands and walks over to me, and my breaths grow shallow, but I can’t look away even if I wanted to.

“You are the only woman for me. The love of my life. The mother of my child and any future children I’ll have. You’re it. If you cut me out, I’ll never love anyone the way I love you.”

He sits on the edge of the bed, facing me, and cups my cheeks in his hands, his brown eyes pleading with me. “I will never stop fighting for you. Never stop protecting you. Never stop cherishing you for the precious gift you are. I didn’t even know I was living in the dark until you brought your light into my life. I can’t lose you. So please tell me what I can do to fix this. Because I’m dying, Lexi. I’m dying every day that you shut me out.”

Tears well up in my eyes and cascade down. “I’m not enough for you.”

He grips my face, but not so hard it hurts. “You’re more than enough for me. If anyone’s not good enough in this relationship, it’s me. I didn’t protect you when I should’ve.”

I shake my head. “Ty?—”

“You’re lovable,” he says, cutting off whatever words I was going to say. “You’re the most important person in my world and the love of my life. You’re so lovable, I never stood a chance of not loving you.”

“But what if?—”

He cuts me off again with his forehead against mine. “No ifs, Lex. Take the leap with me. Hold my hand and never let me go. Choose me. Choose to love me, to fight with me, to try with me, to have a life with me. That’s what love is. It’s choosing your person every day. Through good and bad. I choose you. Now. Tomorrow. Always. Choose me .”

I stare at this man, baring his heart and soul for me, and every ounce of my armor falls, disintegrating in thin air as tears—this time of relief—pour out of me. I nod my head. “I choose you,” I choke out over my emotion.

He doesn’t let me get another word out. His lips are on mine in a desperate kiss, both of us needing this connection after so long without it.

When we finally pull away for air, I look down at our still-sleeping daughter and then back up into his eyes, and for the first time in weeks I feel whole.