Chapter 25

TWENTY-FIVE

I squeeze Ty’s hand as we walk behind the ultrasound tech heading into our anatomy scan. We get to find out the sex of the baby today, and I’ve never been so excited. My bump has gotten much more prominent over the last few weeks, and it really feels like I’m pregnant now, even though I’m still able to hide it at work with baggy shirts and dresses.

When we get into the room, I lie on the exam table, lower my pants, and raise my shirt, exposing my small bump. The ultrasound tech tucks some medical tissue paper in my pants, protecting them from the warm gel she squirts on my stomach. She asks a few questions, and I confirm I’m twenty-one weeks pregnant, my name, and birthdate.

There’s a large screen on the wall in front of us so we can see what she sees on her computer as she gets started. It’s my first ultrasound since the initial one where we heard the heartbeat. My eyes tear up to see how big my little Peanut has gotten. It actually looks like a tiny person with a distinct head, arms, legs, fingers, and toes. A cute little nose becomes visible as she moves the transducer over my stomach. She points out the heart, which beats quick but steady, then she points out the eyes and how the hands are tucked by baby’s cheeks.

“Do you want to know the sex of the baby today?”

I look at Ty just to confirm, although we’d already talked about it before this appointment. He nods.

“Yeah, we want to know,” I tell the tech. She smiles and focuses on the screen, moving around until she’s looking between the legs. We hold our breaths in anticipation, and I know I’m not an expert, but it becomes obvious there’s an appendage not present.

“It looks like you’ve got a little girl in there.”

Tears fill my eyes as I stare at the screen, at the little face with tiny features.

Her face.

A baby girl.

I’m having a daughter.

I’m terrified of what kind of world she’ll live in and what she’ll have to face as a woman, but thrilled beyond belief. I didn’t have a preference either way, but I find myself smiling impossibly wide at the thought of a daughter. When I turn to Ty, he’s staring at the screen, stunned.

“You’re gonna be a girl dad,” I say, keeping my voice soft, although it does nothing to hide the emotion.

He turns his watery eyes to mine and leans forward, one hand holding mine while the other settles on top of my head. He kisses my forehead and then rests his forehead against mine. “There’s no one else in the world I would want to be a girl dad with than you.”

We both focus our attention back on the screen, watching and listening as the tech describes the different parts of our daughter’s anatomy. The appointment drags on a little bit when our daughter rotates and makes it hard to get one of the measurements the tech needs, but after a cup of ice water—which supposedly helps to get babies moving when they’re like this—she moves into a better position.

We leave with a handful of ultrasound pictures and both of us still in stunned awe. I can’t stop looking at the pictures as Ty drives us back to his place.

I’m having a daughter.

“What are we going to name her?” Ty asks, breaking the silence.

I tear my gaze away from the pictures, and my mind instantly draws a blank. “I have no idea.”

He looks away from the road briefly, his gaze connecting with mine, and I catch the slight uncertainty in his eyes.

“What?” I ask.

He nibbles his lip for a second, and he looks a little timid as he asks, “Do you want to name her after your mom?”

“Which one?” The words are out of my mouth before my brain processes what I just said, and my eyes widen as he does a double take.

“You have more than one?”

I swallow thickly. I was not prepared to have this conversation today, not when I’m already emotional after learning I’m having a daughter. But I’ve put it off long enough. He deserves to know; it doesn’t mean I have to tell him everything.

“I was adopted. I never knew my birth mother.”

“Did you ever try to find her?”

“No,” I respond, staring at the window, but apparently Ty doesn’t take the hint that I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Why not?”

My jaw drops as I turn my head and stare him down. “Why not? Why would I? She clearly didn’t want me, so why would I bother wasting my time to find someone who never wanted me to begin with?”

He stares out at the road, his lips thinned and his brows low, thinking hard. Silence fills the space, and for a minute I think he’s going to let it drop.

“Maybe she did want you, but she couldn’t take care of you. That kind of thing isn’t unheard of.”

“You don’t get it,” I mumble, unable to look at him anymore. His questions have dampened my mood, and I don’t want to think about the person who gave me up.

“Explain it to me,” he says.

Why can’t he just read the room? Why does he have to keep pushing?

Anger sizzles, building abruptly. “Explain it? I can’t explain it to someone like you.”

“Someone like me?” he says slowly like he’s trying to understand the words.

“Someone who grew up with two loving parents and a happy family. You can never understand what it feels like to be abandoned.”

“Maybe not, but I can empathize. I don’t have to experience something to know it was hard and it hurt you. But I also can’t understand being angry at someone when you haven’t taken the time to find out why she gave you up, which was why I wanted you to explain it to me so I can understand better. I’m not trying to piss you off or pick at old wounds. I’m really just trying to understand.”

I stare out the window. I can’t explain it to him because then it’ll reveal my greatest fear—that I’m unlovable.

That’s why I’ve never searched for her. I didn’t want to find out all my deepest fears were true. I would never recover from that kind of confirmation.

And I’d never recover if learning my parents never loved me made Ty question why he does.

“I need you to drop it,” I say, not looking away from the passing scenery.

He doesn’t respond, but when I glance over, his jaw is clenched tight, and he’s staring at the road like it’s personally offended him.

My stomach sours. This isn’t how I wanted today to go, but now I don’t know how to fix it.

We end up back at his place and he makes us lunch, but neither of us talk—both of us lost in our own heads.And then I feel it, clear as day, and drop my fork to my plate, my hand instantly going to my bump.

“What is it?” Ty asks, his face awash with concern.

My smile could probably light up his whole kitchen. “She moved. I felt her kick!”

He rushes around the counter and places his hands on my belly. I move them to where I felt her, and we both wait with bated breath.

“I don’t feel anything,” he says, but just as he finishes his sentence, she kicks right against his hand, not super hard but enough that he felt the subtle pulse under my skin. He stares at my stomach in awe and then drops his forehead to it.

His voice is low as he talks to our daughter, and tears well in my eyes. “Hey sweet baby. Do you hear your daddy? How you doin’ in there? Your mama and I can’t wait to meet you.”

Whatever frustration I felt earlier melts away at the sweet way he talks to my belly, the way he’s so obviously smitten with her already.

I grip his cheeks and pull his lips up to mine, kissing him through my tears. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to push you or ruin today.”

“I know.”

He pulls away, his brown eyes darker than normal. “I love you, Lexi, no matter what happened in your past. You believe me, right?”

I want to, and maybe that’s enough. “Yes,” I say, even if it’s not the complete truth.

I have to believe that someday I’ll believe his words.Because the alternative is unbearable.