Chapter 16

SIXTEEN

When I woke up this morning, knowing about this appointment, I didn’t quite picture it like this. If you’d told me three months ago I’d be sitting in a stark doctor’s office surrounded by pregnant women, I would’ve laughed. But that’s exactly where I am.

Lexi sits beside me, her hands in her lap and the fingernail of her right thumb rubbing over the top of her left thumbnail. It’s something I’ve noticed she does a lot when she’s nervous. It’s so subtle, I wonder if she’s even aware of it. I reach over and wrap my hand around hers. She looks up at me, and visibly relaxes as she turns her palm over, entwining our fingers together.

My chest expands with a sense of pride that I have the power to calm her—to ease some of her stress.

The high of victory on the field doesn’t even come close to the way I feel when I get these small moments with Lexi.

My knee bounces as I look around the waiting room of the doctor’s office until she sets her hand on my thigh, stopping the movement. I glance down at her, and there’s a lightness in her eyes that’s been growing with every day we spend together.

“Nervous?” she whispers.

“Maybe a little,” I confess, wrapping her hand with mine and holding it tight. I can’t remember a time when a woman’s hand fit so perfectly in mine. “I don’t really know what to expect.”

I won’t tell her the other fears I have. I’ve only ever spent a significant amount of time around Romel’s daughter—who is weirdly wise for her age—and the kids at the pediatric cancer hospital I try to visit once a month, and those kids are just trying to survive. Neither of my brothers have any kids and aren’t even close to settling down. I don’t really hang out with any of the other players on the team apart from Gabe, Dom, and Romel, so I’ve never been around their babies.

I honestly hadn’t seriously thought about the prospect of having kids before Lexi told me she was pregnant. I’ve been focused on football for the last several years, and before that I was focused on getting into the pros, so kids never had time to cross my mind. I might’ve thought about the idea of kids in that weird hypothetical way as something that would happen someday, but there was never anyone I wanted to have them with.

Not until now. Now I can’t imagine having a kid with anyone besides Lexi.

So, yeah, I have no fucking clue what to expect. But now that it’s happening, I’m realizing I need to figure it out quick. And there’s nothing that drives that point home more than being surrounded by a bunch of women in various stages of pregnancy.

Lexi licks her lips, and it reminds me of the present I bought her. I pull it out of my pocket and hand it to her. “For afterward.”

She looks down at my hand then up at me with wide eyes and her mouth slightly parted in surprise. I don’t know why she’s shocked. She should realize by now that I’m always paying attention, especially when it comes to her. And it didn’t take me long to figure out that the caramel apple pops were her craving right now. I bought several boxes and have them stashed in my condo, my car, and another in my other pocket in case one isn’t enough. I know she can’t suck on it now, but I figure she’ll enjoy it afterward.

“How did you know?” she asks, a little awe in her soft voice.

“You had a couple of wrappers on your counter when I came over the other day, and you were sucking on one when I FaceTimed you during our last away trip.”

She stares at me and then her lips quirk up into a small smile, but the way her eyes light up tells me I did a good job. My chest swells with something stronger than affection, stronger than anything I’ve ever felt before. I love making her light up the way she is now, knowing I contributed to her happiness, and I’ll do just about anything to keep that look on her face.

A nurse walks out, a clipboard in hand. “Lexi?”

Both of us stand, and I follow Lexi as the nurse leads us down the hall to an empty exam room. A gray machine that looks like some space computer stands off to the side with a bunch of knobs and buttons. A long, thin, white handle sticks up next to a short, gray, fat handle. The rest of the room looks like your standard doctor’s office. Some of my unease starts to settle.

Then I sit down in the chair beside the exam table, and directly across from me is a huge diagram that takes up a third of the wall and shows the size of a baby through each month of pregnancy. Lexi sits on the exam table and chats with the nurse, but I can’t focus on anything they’re saying because I’m staring at the image on the wall, and reality starts to sink in.

We made a baby.

A cluster of cells is growing into an actual person. A human being. That is fucking wild.

The nurse pulls out a black cuff and puts it on Lexi’s arm, taking her blood pressure, and my gaze focuses on her face. From the outside, she appears relatively calm, but she has little tells I’ve discovered over the past couple of weeks we’ve been together. There’s tension at the corners of her eyes that make the laugh lines there more pronounced, and while her face is a relative mask, her hands give away her nerves. The right thumbnail scrapes over her left thumbnail again, slightly faster than it was out in the waiting room.

I want to stand beside her and offer her some support, but this room is small, and I don’t want to get in the way of the nurse. When she’s done taking her blood pressure, she asks Lexi how she’s been feeling, takes some notes, and then tells us the doctor will be in shortly. The second she leaves and the door closes, I’m crossing the short distance to Lexi. From where she’s sitting, her head lines up with my chin. Her legs open enough for me to position myself between them, and I immediately wrap my arms around her and hug her close. She’s stiff for a minute before her arms wrap around my waist and she sags against me.

Something about this woman letting me give her strength makes me feel ten feet tall. Maybe because I suspect it’s not something she does with just anyone.

“It’s all going to be okay,” I murmur in her hair.

“How do you know?” There’s a shakiness in her voice which makes it seem like she’s desperate to believe me, but doesn’t.

“Because no matter what happens, I’m not going anywhere.”

She pulls back, her eyes slightly watery. She’s blamed her tears more often than not on her changing hormones, but a part of me wonders if it’s because I’m starting to break through those thick walls she’s built around herself.

She opens her mouth to say something, but then snaps it shut. Her deep-blue eyes hold me hostage, emotion twisting her pretty face before a knock interrupts whatever she was about to say.

I spin around right as the doctor opens the door.

“Hi Lexi.” The middle-aged doctor with thin, black-framed glasses glances at me and then does a double take. “You must be Dad. Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like the football player Tyler Russell?”

I give her my fan smile. “I am Tyler Russell.”

She lets out an awkward laugh and then puts her hand to her chest. “Oh my…I’m a huge fan. I’m Dr. Taylor. It’s so nice to meet you.”

“It’s always nice to meet a fan.”

She smiles wider and then thankfully focuses on Lexi. “How’ve you been feeling?”

“Tired,” Lexi says, her body sagging. “All the time.”

Dr. Taylor smiles kindly at her. “Totally normal at this stage. How’s your nausea? Any other symptoms?”

“My nausea usually starts after lunch through dinner time. There are days it’s not so bad and other days where it’s still awful.”

The doctor makes a note on the laptop she brought in with her and nods. “Again, normal. It should subside here soon since based on your last menstrual cycle you should be nearing the end of your first trimester. Most women see a drop in morning sickness once you pass that twelve to thirteen week mark. Very rarely does it linger into the second trimester, but it is possible. Any other symptoms or concerns?”

Lexi shakes her head.

“Okay, great. Let’s have you lie down and we’ll do an ultrasound to get some measurements.” She moves toward the machine in the room. “Since you’re far enough along, we should be able to do an external ultrasound, but if we can’t get a good view then we’ll do one transvaginally,” she explains, pointing to the white wand I noticed earlier.

I stare at the long, thin, white wand and can’t help but rub my hand over my mouth to hide my smirk. I’m way larger than that. My girl will have no problem with that thing if she has to use it.

Lexi lies back on the exam table, and Dr. Taylor has her push her pants down to the top of her pelvis. Lexi stares up at the ceiling while the doctor preps the wand with some gel and clicks a few keys on the ultrasound machine, her hands gripping the side of the table and her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. I stand, ignoring Dr. Taylor’s glance my way, and focus on my girl. Lexi looks over at my movement, and the silent plea in her eyes nearly has me dropping to my knees wanting to promise her the whole world. I place my hand over hers, and she releases her grip on the table, flipping over her hand so we’re palm to palm, her dark blue eyes locked on mine. My other hand brushes her hair away from her forehead.

I bend over, resting my head against hers, my mouth next to her ear because my words are only for her. “It’s all going to be okay, Lexi. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”

I pull back to look in her eyes—to allow her to look into mine and see the sincerity in my gaze. She nods just as the doctor clears her throat.

“Ready?”

Lexi looks at Dr. Taylor. “We’re ready.”

I don’t watch whatever Dr. Taylor is doing. Instead I watch Lexi’s face, each expression giving me a small glimpse at what she’s feeling, but I know it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Lexi is guarded, more than most people I’ve met—men and women alike. But I want her to be able to trust me with her every thought and emotion.

I squeeze her hand, giving her any strength I can, and then a whooshing sound fills the room, and my gaze focuses on the screen of the machine the doctor is using. Dr. Taylor clicks a couple of keys, taking images of what looks like the old gray-and-white static I used to see on my grandpa’s ancient television back in the day. But in the middle of that static is a small, round blob and a quick flicker that matches the rapid heartbeat now filling the room.

My vision blurs, and it takes me a second to realize the burning behind my eyes is tears. I can barely look away from the screen—from my kid —but I pull my gaze to look at Lexi. My heart nearly bursts out of my chest at the longing and pure love in her watery eyes as she stares unblinking at the screen.

“Is it okay?” she asks the doctor, her voice shaky.

Dr. Taylor nods. “Everything’s looking great so far. Strong, steady heartbeat right where it should be. Baby is measuring right on track.” She turns away from the computer and offers us both a caring smile. “Congrats, Mom and Dad.”

And that’s when the tears that have been building in Lexi’s eyes start to fall. She doesn’t make a sound, but the tears fall in a steady stream down her face. The doctor hits a few more buttons and then a small machine flares to life, spitting out several images of our little blob. She hands them to Lexi with a look of kind understanding before she starts to clean up. When she’s done, she patsthe table and tells Lexi to take as much time as she needs before she leaves us alone in the room. I can’t stand to see Lexi crying, so I pull her up and wrap her in my arms. She burrows her head into my chest, her arms going around my waist, holding me tight to her. It’s nothing like the tentative way she hugged me back earlier.

We stay like that for several minutes, but I don’t complain. As much as I hate her tears, I relish in the chance to hold her close.

Lexi’s the one who pulls away first, and I reluctantly let her. She brushes her fingers under her eyes, wiping away any remnants of her tears. “Sorry about that,” she mumbles.

I lift her chin with my finger, nearly forgetting what I want to say once those dark ocean-blue eyes meet mine. “You never have to apologize for crying, Precious.”

She almost looks startled as the term of endearment leaves my lips. I’ve never really called any woman anything other than their name or baby, but neither of those seem enough in this moment—or seem right for Lexi. But Precious does because Lexi is the most precious person in my world.

Even if there was no baby, I would’ve chosen her. I did choose her. She was the one who left, and I’m bound and determined to make sure she never leaves me again.

I drop a kiss to her forehead, my own emotions swirling recklessly inside me. Today has been more than I ever expected. More than I ever dreamed.

“I’ll step out and let you finish up, okay? I’ll meet you outside.”

“Okay,” she says, her eyes still holding a vulnerability which makes me want to hold her tight and never let go. I drop one more kiss to her forehead because I can’t help myself and then make my way out of the doctor’s office. Once I get on the sidewalk, I pull my phone out and dial the one person who I know has been dying to hear how this doctor’s appointment went.

It only rings twice before she picks up. “Hey, how’d it go?”

“Mom—” My voice cracks as pride and joy and a million other emotions fight to burst out of me. “The heartbeat was so fast.”

She laughs on the other end of the line. Unlike my brother, she was happy for me when I shared the news. She didn’t immediately jump to paternity tests and questioning if Lexi was just trying to trap me.

“That’s normal.”

“Yeah, that’s what the doctor said. God, Mom, it was wild. I mean, it just looks like this little blob, but I could see the flicker of its heart going so quick. The doctor said everything looked great, so it’s all good so far.”

“Oh Ty, that’s wonderful.” There’s a pause, but I don’t fill it because I know my mom. She’s careful with her words, only saying what she truly means, and I’ve learned it’s best to never rush her. “You sound really happy, Sweetie.”

I inhale a deep breath of the crisp fall air and look up at the still blue Southern California sky. “I am, Mom. I really am.”