Chapter 1

Chapter One

THE ROCK BIT into his hands, sharp and unyielding. Elijah gritted his teeth against the pain and curled his fingers around a crimp no wider than a pencil. His arms and shoulders strained as his feet groped for purchase on any minute chip of stone they could find.

His toe caught. The surface he found to stand on couldn't have been larger than a marble, but the rubber of his slightly pointed, down-turned climbing shoes clung to it like it was as wide as a six-lane highway. Some of the weight and pressure came off his hands as he shifted his weight onto that tiny, tenuous foot.

Elijah peered up the face of the boulder. The sun was starting to creep over it, glaring right into Elijah's eyes. He squinted, blinded, body trembling, hands and feet screaming for relief as they perched on razor blades made of rock.

It was the greatest feeling in the world.

If Elijah weren't gasping for breath, straining every muscle, he'd be whooping with pure joy. There was nothing like being on real rock, nothing like the bite of a boulder, the grit of a fleck of a foot, the strain of glimpsing the crest of the climb but not knowing if you'll manage to reach it.

He had only seconds before his body gave out. Climbing a boulder was generally a sprint, not a marathon. And this climb had pushed his body to its limit. He'd fallen off dozens of times — not just today, either. Elijah had battled this particular foe many, many times already. He'd never yet won.

Today, a mere foot of rock stood between Elijah and victory. There was no reward awaiting him, no prize or glory to be gleaned. Nothing but the pure intrinsic need to conquer his own limits.

Doing so would require Elijah to push off of that marble-sized foothold and propel his body upward. He'd only get one chance. Once he started moving, there was no way he'd be able to reset. The momentum would rip him right off the microscopic crimp holds keeping him twelve feet off the ground.

"Come on, Elijah," someone shouted beneath him. "Stay with it. "

Several other voices joined in shouting encouragement up to Elijah. Elijah couldn't spare a look down at the climbers both rooting for and spotting him, but their words pushed him to give this final move his all regardless. He knew that if he missed he was in for a long fall, but the climbers on the ground had set up large crash pads so he could land safely. And they would spot him so he fell only on those pads and not on the hard ground. Too often, missing or misplaced pads resulted in broken ankles and other injuries, but the folks with Elijah today were all highly proficient climbers with years of experience spotting each other outdoors.

If only things outside were as simple as they were in a gym. There was no substitute for real rock, for sun and air and nature. But Elijah did have to confess that climbing in a gym was sometimes nice simply because the entire floor was made of these squishy crash pads. Injuries weren't impossible, but they were certainly more rare.

He shook himself, mentally, at least. This wasn't the time for doubts. This was the time for single-minded focus.

He gazed up again. Even though the sun blotted out his view, he could tell where the rock above him ended. It wasn't far to the lip. He just had to go for it. Off tiny holds. Twelve feet above the ground.

Come on , he thought. Don't give up on it. One move.

If I fall, I'm screwed , a voice answered, a voice that had been growing ever louder over the years .

When he was young, he would have launched himself at this deadpoint lunge without a second thought. But hitting his thirties had slowed Elijah down. He was as physically fit and strong as ever. It was more a matter of becoming keenly aware of his limitations. Injuries were slightly more common. Aches and pains could spiral into more if he wasn't careful. He didn't think of himself as an old man, but in climbing years he was basically ancient at just thirty-five. Climbers hit their peaks in their early twenties, and it was obvious why. The punishing nature of the sport made even your thirties precarious.

That's a bullshit excuse and you know it.

This time, the voice was a familiar one. Jane Miller was still a legend in the sport. Now in her forties, she was pushing herself as hard as ever. In fact, she was standing below Elijah right now, spotting him should he fall when he attempted the next move.

No more time to waste. Jane wouldn't accept an excuse like age. Elijah was strong enough for this move — if he didn't waste all his energy crouching here gawking at it.

He compressed a little, putting more weight on the foot, crimping harder on that razor's edge hold. Then he pushed, getting everything he could out of the small holds, all the force and friction he could muster.

Elijah reached, throwing blindly for the top of the boulder. All the noise around him vanished. Elijah forgot to breathe as time slowed. He had the power. He had the distance.

His hand slapped the top of the boulder.

Shit!

He'd actually gone too hard. His hand reached past the good top edge of the boulder. Elijah smacked his palm against featureless rock and instantly slid backward.

No! Hell no!

As he slid, his hand hit the edge he'd originally aimed for — and stuck.

Elijah's feet flew off the rock, but his hands clung tenaciously to the boulder. He tensed his whole body to absorb the momentum, refusing to let go, refusing to quit as gravity pawed at him.

The next time he remembered to breathe, his friends were shouting below him.

"Yes, dude! That's it! You got it!"

"Holy shit, what a catch, man."

"Massive."

Elijah scrambled up the boulder before the adrenaline thundering through his body could rattle him right off the rock. He pulled himself over the top edge of the boulder, then clambered the rest of the way up, panting as he summited the flat top of the rock.

Jane was beaming. The two college kids, Haru and Imani, looked suitably impressed that a guy more than a decade their senior actually managed a hard route. Even Sparrow, the weird hippie who came and went as he pleased, was clapping.

Elijah dragged himself up to search for the downclimb that would lead him back to solid ground. He couldn't just jump from twelve or fifteen feet up. Well, he could, probably, but it wasn't ideal. Far better to find a side of the boulder that sloped downward or otherwise offered a means of getting to the ground safely.

He didn't exactly rush his search. There were few places Elijah loved more than the top of a boulder he'd just conquered. The air smelled sweeter; the sun caressed his skin more gently. Even as sweat coated his bare chest, Elijah basked in the bright day. He was pale enough to burn if he stood here like this for too long, but right then, Elijah couldn't bring himself to care.

Normally, climbers sought out darker and cooler days for tough climbs. Too much heat and the rock itself felt oily. It was tougher to stick to it. Even the fancy climbing shoes wouldn't cling as well if the temperature soared and the rock baked in the sun. But the competition in town was starting soon, and the college kids were participating in it, so this was the only time they had for climbing if they wanted to go together. And Elijah had to confess, it was invigorating to climb with folks just starting their careers. Haru and Imani were both incredible at their young ages. Their youthful excitement reinvigorated Elijah's love of his sport. When Elijah hit the point when he might normally call it quits due to exhaustion, the kids just kept on pushing, and he couldn't help wanting to match that energy.

Plus, it was encouraging meeting the next generation of climbers. Competitions had barely existed in Jane's day. They were more established during Elijah's time, but climbing as a professional sport was still more or less a weird underground thing even ten years ago. Especially in America. Europe had a much longer history with the sport, which put American climbers at a huge disadvantage. In Elijah's day, if you weren't rich or lucky, you would quickly run out of cash trying to travel to Europe to compete.

Elijah had been lucky. He got a sponsor early on who was willing to foot the bill for his trips overseas. It helped that he won. A lot. But he'd still had to live pretty lean in those days.

Even though he was retired now, he could tell things were a lot more comfortable these days for professional climbers. Kids like Haru and Imani had entire climbing teams and organizations around them. Their universities had their own gyms. That was basically unheard of when Elijah was coming up in the scene, and definitely when Jane was. The speed with which this sport was changing before his eyes was frankly dizzying.

But one thing remained the same — the thrill of a send, the rush of adrenaline when you hit the top and knew you were going to stick it, the pure, raw joy of battling a tough boulder that pushed you to the edge of your ability. That would never change .

Elijah dragged himself off the top of the boulder. His climbing shoes were tight and uncomfortable, forcing him to waddle awkwardly toward the ground. As great as they were for being on the rock, they were that awful for being off it. They were kind of like ballet shoes — tight and horrible and squeezing his toes together toward a point.

Elijah followed a trail around the boulder. When he re-emerged at the front of the rock, the group burst into excited chatter all over again.

"That final move looked wild, man," Sparrow said. He was tall and lanky, a perfect climber body, with a mop of unruly brown hair that seemed to obey its own mysterious whims.

Imani was much more the image of a modern-day climber. The power in her dark-skinned arms was obvious even when she was at rest. Elijah was a pretty buff guy himself, but these young kids were truly nothing but toned, lean muscle these days. She wore her black hair in a thick braid.

"I can't believe the power you got off that foot," she said. "It's microscopic."

"It's better than it looks," Elijah said. "When you get there, you'll feel it. You have good feet. If I can use it, I'm sure you'll have no problem."

" If I get there," Imani said.

Elijah kept his smile to himself. She was only eighteen and had gotten into climbing a little later than a lot of kids these days, but she'd quickly excelled. It was like her body was built for the sport. Still, Imani aspired to more, Elijah knew, and she was ruthlessly hard on herself due to that. She was chasing after her college rival, Mary, who had a much longer history with climbing.

"Why don't you give it a shot next?" Elijah said.

Imani looked a little nervous. Her eyes darted to Jane before she could stop herself. It was clear — and adorable — that she had so much respect for a legend like Jane. But it also probably made what should have been a casual day of outdoor bouldering a bit more intense for her.

Elijah popped off his shoes while Imani got ready to climb. Haru and Sparrow were prepared to spot her, so Elijah got to sit back and relax after his exhausting send. He certainly needed the break. The pump from the climb left the veins in his forearms standing out against his light skin. He massaged his forearms idly as he sat on a nearby rock in the shade to cool off.

Jane soon joined him. She stood over him, her hands on her hips. She wore beat up jeans torn in the knees from many, many, many such climbing trips and a tank top that showed off the ropy muscle still cording her sun-tanned arms. The gray streaked through her light brown ponytail somehow looked distinguished and graceful on her, and the gleam in her brown eyes was as excited and youthful as ever.

"That was some climb," Jane said. She glanced over her shoulder for a peek at Imani's attempt.

"Thanks, been working that one for a while," Elijah said.

"Glad you got it in front of the kids," Jane said with a laugh.

"Well, I couldn't let them outdo us all day long," Elijah said. "Age and experience or something, right?"

Jane patted at Elijah's shoulder. "Ah, don't let them get to you. We're all just here to have fun, right? Getting older doesn't make climbing less fun."

"Makes it harder."

Jane shrugged. "In some ways. In others, you're far wiser."

Even as she spoke, Imani threw herself at the top of the rock. Her feet cut off wildly and she took a huge fall back down to the mats. Haru and Sparrow spotted her and she hit the pads with a slap. Elijah cringed and scrubbed a hand through his short, sand-colored hair, but Imani hopped right back up and started discussing the move with animated gestures.

Haru seemed to want to try the climb next, leaving Jane and Elijah to hang back and observe. The lanky college climber had an almost entirely different method for getting up the boulder. Elijah wasn't short, but Haru was topping six feet. His long limbs simply didn't fit into the same spaces as someone smaller. He had to work his feet carefully to keep all that length on the rock, but his height also made the reach for the top edge of the boulder a lot easier than it was for Imani, or even Elijah.

Still, he didn't quite have the top when he went for it, and Haru slipped off on the very last move of the climb. Imani and Sparrow groaned in sympathy as Haru slapped the pads with his hands.

The three younger climbers clustered before the boulder, mimicking hand and foot movements and talking out the climb with each other. It was something Elijah had always particularly loved about climbing. Even in a competitive setting, most climbers were rooting for each other. The competition was more internal than external. Everyone was out to beat their own best score, rather than put down a particular opponent. Whether they were outside on a project or sitting around after a competition, most climbers couldn't help sharing betas and methods the second they were off the climb and gathered together.

Of course, that didn't prevent rivalries and things like that from springing up. Apparently, Imani had one of her own that she was nursing. But Elijah would hazard to guess that there was also a lot of respect there. It was nearly impossible to watch another climber and not hope they'd make that next move, at least in Elijah's experience.

"Speaking of the youth," Jane said, cutting into Elijah's thoughts, "are you going to the comp?"

Elijah hesitated to answer. Living in Colorado meant there were climbing comps around him all the time, but the one in Vail was among the largest. Climbers flew in from all over the world to test themselves in Vail and try the outdoor boulders in the surrounding area, as well.

That was how this unlikely group had come together, in fact. Sparrow lived in the area, as much as a nomad in a Sprinter van could be said to be living permanently anywhere, but Imani and Haru had flown in for the competition. Jane and Elijah were known in the climbing community, and locals, so the younger climbers had reached out to see if they would show them around.

It made for a great day outdoors. The younger climbers had an enthusiasm and energy that revived Elijah's passion for the sport. Plus, it was nice mentoring kids who weren't as shy about their sexuality as Elijah had been back in his day.

It was no secret these days that he was gay. He was very open about the fact. But during his professional career, he'd carefully hidden that information, scared of the community's reaction. Seeing people like Imani and Haru competing and being open about who they were gave Elijah new hope for the scene. And he was honored they'd reached out to himself and Jane as queer climbers who'd come before them.

But all of that didn't motivate Elijah to actually go to the comp. He'd been carefully avoiding the competition circuit ever since he retired five years ago. He just felt so young to be away from the sport he loved so dearly. The stark reality was that he wasn't going to keep up with the Harus of the world if he attempted to compete again. It was too embarrassing to even consider, but sitting in the stands as a spectator was like digging his fingers into a wound that hadn't quite healed yet.

"I'm not sure," he finally replied.

"Ah, come on," Jane said. "These kids look up to us. They'd be thrilled to see us in the audience."

"I know, I know."

"Then what is it?" Jane crouched down so she wasn't standing over him anymore. She was never a large woman, yet her presence filled even a climbing crag when she turned her keen, light eyes on him.

Elijah wanted to grind the words between his teeth rather than admit his insecurity, but Jane just crouched there waiting, boring into him, as unmovable as a boulder herself.

"It's just a little … a little grating still, you know?" he said.

A wry smile twisted Jane's mouth. She patted Elijah on the back. "I understand."

He finally met her eyes.

"The life of a comp climber is pretty short," she said. "And things are changing so rapidly. It feels like we missed out on a lot. Hell, these kids are training for the Olympics these days. That wasn't even a consideration back when we were doing this. "

"Yeah, exactly," Elijah said. He lowered his voice so the others wouldn't overhear. "I feel like a fossil already. I'm only thirty-five. That shouldn't be ancient."

"Because it's not ancient," Jane said. "But you're not going to compete against a literal teenager."

Elijah knew she was right, but it was still hard to hear. He still felt like that scrappy youth climber who'd started taking down the adults before he was even technically old enough to compete in the adult league. His body may have aged, but his brain was still convinced he was Haru and Imani's age.

"I think it would be healthy for you to come watch a comp," Jane said. "I'm not saying it won't sting, but the sting is a little less every time, you know? Focus your energy on rooting for our new friends over there. You'll be surprised by how much it helps. Besides, they would be thrilled to see you there. You're a local legend. Trust me, you'll have young climbers flocking to you for advice."

"I'm not so fragile I need a bunch of kids to boost my ego," Elijah said.

"I know," Jane said. "But that's part of moving on, too. Learning to nurture the next generation instead of resent them. We can't stop time. And we're obviously still capable climbers. So we can't compete. So what? It's just comps. There are still plenty of rocks outdoors. And plenty of people over age twenty sending them.

"One comp," Jane pushed. "And if you absolutely despise it I'll owe you dinner."

"You really don't need to," Elijah said.

"I know. I just can't stand people in their thirties walking around calling themselves old already. Sports warps your mindset on this stuff, believe me."

Elijah sighed, turning his gaze on his chalk-covered, calloused hands. Those hands were still strong enough to get him up a boulder the younger climbers hadn't yet managed today.

A cry of triumph broke out even as Elijah was deliberating. Imani shouted as she hauled herself onto the boulder. She was beaming. The first place her eyes went was Jane and Elijah, as though she wanted them to see her top more than anyone else.

Jane hopped up, calling out encouragement as she hurried to join the victorious young climber. Elijah wanted to feel that same sense of elation, that same pride in nurturing a budding talent.

But watching others do what he no longer could hurt so deeply. Was he really ready to try to get over that?

It's been five years, man. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Everyone was still celebrating Imani's ascent of the boulder when Elijah strode to Jane, set a hand on her shoulder, and said, "Fine, I'll go," before the lump in his throat could stop him.