14. Jeffrey

Chapter fourteen

Jeffrey

T he last few days have been like an amusement park ride, and not always a good one. More like the one you remember enjoying as a kid that makes you nauseated for hours when you go on it as an adult. Like the Tilt-A-Whirl, or the Swing Carousel that makes you feel like you might get launched into orbit. A constant flux of good and bad, ending in seasickness.

Running into College Boy at The Magic Shop after learning my inability to know and trust myself might be what dooms Odai? Bad. Odai derailing St. Mary's contribution to Mrs. Sherman's crusade and getting them on our side instead? Good. Mrs. Sherman showing up for Friday night's tour? Bad. Her not actually doing anything to screw with me or the show? Good. SJ talking to me after the show…

Bad.

More like heavy , but it has me all twisted today. I thought the show went great, much as seeing Mrs. Sherman worried me initially. But afterward, SJ pulled me aside with the most pitying expression I'd ever seen on her.

"Hey, honey. Are you okay? You are so different when you're Mattie."

"Well, yeah?" I was confused. She'd seen the show before. "I was acting. Of course I'm different."

"I know, and it's always been noticeable how much you disappear into the role, like totally slay at it too, but tonight, I don't know, you seemed more…"

"Over the top? Too sexy? Too confident—"

" Sad ."

"Sad?"

I hate seeing pity directed at me, but way more coming from SJ, when she's usually so bright and hopeful. "To be honest, Jeffrey, you've always seemed a little sad to me, but it was heart-wrenching watching you tonight."

Tilt-A-Whirl time, so much so that I was afraid I might tie-dye SJ's dress with an untimely upchuck. "I don't know what you mean." Did I? Yes, I am always a little sad, and it's worse when people notice, like most of my exes. I've been trying so hard to be happy. To be happy with Odai. To be happy at all.

To be… me.

SJ squeezed my arm, rubbing it as if to warm me up.

"Come see me at the shop tomorrow, okay? Like, an hour before we open? It'll be for something good, I promise. Oh, and bring that smashing zip-up you haven't worn yet. You don't have to wear it to the store, just bring it. Okay?"

Even with the promise that it would be for something good, I was nervous. "Okay," I said, though Odai's best efforts to help me relax that night weren't enough to take me mind off feeling cornered, and that I didn't know what for made it worse.

Fluid Fashion opens at eleven on Saturdays, so I am there at ten. I do not wear the zip-up, but I bring it with me in a shoulder bag, dressed in my more common oversized sweatshirt and jeans look. Glasses on. Hair in a messy bun. Amulet tucked beneath my shirt. I'm comfortably hidden and prepared for anything.

Until the first words out of SJ's mouth are for me to undress.

" What ?"

"I am going to give you a makeover."

"But I don't—"

"Trust me." SJ grips my shoulders. In heels, like she's wearing today, she's taller than me, which is strangely comforting. "We're going into the clerk dressing area, I am going to give you pieces to put on to go with that zip-up, but you are not going to look at yourself until I say we're ready. Don't even look at the individual pieces of clothes, as much as you can avoid it. And, while I do your makeup, we're going to talk. "

"Makeup?" There is so much tension in my shoulders, pressing up against her hands. If I let her do this, I'll have to walk back to Madame Mattie's looking… who knows what.

"Honey, if you don't like the way you look when we're done, I will put you right back the other way again. Okay?"

I briefly wonder how Cas ever says no to SJ. She could bat her eyes and turn on that sweet smile and get me to agree to almost anything. She is so pretty, but also genuine, so completely just… her that I can't say no.

There are a few workers restocking and getting things ready for when the shop opens, but SJ must have told them to leave us alone. There are public dressing rooms, but also a clerk dressing area so SJ and her employees can change into Fluid Fashion pieces themselves, or to freshen up after lunch, or to just generally go glam when they want to. We have that back area all to ourselves, like getting ready for a stage play.

Some of the clothes SJ hands me make me feel like that is exactly what I am about to do—put on another costume, like Mattie. But I don't think that's what SJ means for this to be, so I do as she asks and try to not look too closely at any of the pieces. I can still tell none of it is what I would normally wear, since it involves a crop top, the also cropped zip-up, high-cut jean shorts, and those over-the-knee boots with ruffles and high heels that I saw last time.

All I can picture is a total joke when I imagine what I must look like, but SJ keeps the chair she sits me in aimed away from the mirror. There is an array of makeup on the counter behind me. Since I am fresh-faced, SJ removes my glasses and starts with primer.

"Things seem really good between you and Odai," she says, "so what had you so upset last night?"

"I wasn't upset."

"But you were. Can you try maybe guessing why?"

"I don't know. I mean, Mrs. Sherman was in the audience. That spooked me a little."

"You were doing a pretty good job of ignoring her. You seemed off before you saw her standing in the back."

I did? "So… I was terrible last night?"

"No! You were brilliant . But you weren't happy. It was like that costume as Mattie was a layer of skin you wanted to peel away, and the only thing keeping you from doing it was thinking that what was underneath was worse."

Swing Carousel time and more nausea. "Wow, that's… um…" Tears have sprang to my eyes so suddenly, I don't know how to will them away.

"Right on the money?" SJ says softly.

"Y-yeah? I mean, I love being Mattie, but lately… maybe always… maybe forever from here on after too, I don't know what me is supposed to look like."

SJ switches to foundation, voice as steady as her hand applying it with a sponge. "Tell me. Tell me how you've been feeling."

I sniffle, even as the brush of foundation under my eyes wipes the few early tears away. "Wrong? I know I don't want to be a girl. I know I don't want to be nonbinary. So, what does that leave me? Why does knowing what I don't want to be not make it easier to know what I am ? I know I'm gay. That was always easy. Not easy , but once I knew, I never second-guessed it. Something is still missing, still wrong, and being Mattie is as close as I've ever come, but it's not right, and being so close but just shy of right… hurts ." Here come more tears, and I blink my eyes rapidly, so SJ doesn't have to start over.

She pauses, giving me a minute to collect myself, and then reaches for blush. "I am so sorry, honey. That sounds really tough. And like something that's been bothering you for a lot longer than I noticed. I sometimes noticed. Cas too. I'm sorry we kept waiting for you to say or do something instead of asking what was wrong."

You know when people apologize for something and your first instinct is to say, that's okay? But usually, it's not okay, and you should never answer an apology with those words. What you say is, "Thank you."

"I promise I will do my best to never do that again. But I have been thinking about it, and I might have an idea that can help."

"A makeover?"

SJ giggles. "This is mostly for fun. But it is part of it. See, I think maybe you're demi. Like me."

"I didn't know you were demi. Which is cool! But I don't think that's what I am. I have definitely felt sexual attraction toward guys I barely know. "

She laughs again with a louder jangle like a chorus of bells. "Not demi sexual ! Demi-gendered. A demi boy like I'm a demi girl ."

"I… don't know what that is."

SJ has finished my contouring and moves onto my eyes, which have thankfully cooled from fueling more tears. For now. "I don't usually introduce myself as ‘Hi, I'm SJ, the bisexual demigirl with the best fashion sense of anyone you'll ever meet.' Although I have considered putting it on my business cards."

Now I laugh. "You should. But what is that kind of demi then? What does it mean?"

"A demi-gendered person feels mostly like their assigned gender, but not always. Not completely. Meaning I'm a girl who doesn't always or fully feel like a girl."

"But you're so pretty," I say stupidly. "Like feminine pretty."

"Honey, so are you."

"But that just makes people think I want to be a girl, since I'm pretty and enjoy dressing up as Mattie."

"I'll give you a minute," SJ says with a knowing eyebrow raise.

"And I just did the same thing with you, assuming you must want to be a girl because you're pretty and often wear cute feminine things. But you also mix it with masculine things. It's part of what I love about your style. "

"Why, thank you. And see, it's easy to assume things about people, even ourselves. So let me assume a few things, and you tell me if I'm right or wrong. Being Mattie lets you embrace your femininity to the extreme, but I think where you really want to be is somewhere in between, somewhere a little more subtle that you're afraid to let yourself try. You think if you're not all in, one way or the other, you'll somehow be inauthentic. A pretender who doesn't belong."

Fuck . That makes my eyes water again. "Are you a shop owner or a therapist in disguise?"

Another patented SJ giggle. "A good salesperson is both, so we can help people find what they need."

I blink my eyes rapidly again because eyeliner is next.

"Maybe, for whatever reason, you think your story doesn't matter. Or that it's wrong. Or that people will think you don't get it —when IT is literally your life. You are not inauthentic. You're you. Even if you don't know who that is yet."

She is really good at this. "I guess I've… been sort of terrified of being called a phony or lesser than the next person, because someone, ultimately, always, always makes me feel that way, and I believe them. Even when ‘them' is just me, thinking it about myself."

"I know how that feels too," SJ says, "and who you are can change. It can evolve. Whatever form it takes, whatever the answer, you belong, honey, just as much as I do. I haven't even known what I was for all that long. Only since Cas and I got together. It was kind of hard to not recognize my masculine side after a while. That babe of mine has some serious masculine energy."

"Yeah, she does." I chuckle. "More than I have."

"Jeffrey," SJ scolds, closer, since she's applying mascara now, and I have to look up, "you might think you're joking when you say stuff like that, but it's actually a way to hurt yourself, to put yourself down. You don't need to do that. You don't need to be a certain level of masculine or feminine or somewhere perfectly between. That's all I'm trying to help you understand. If being a demiboy is the right answer for you, awesome, but you don't have to be that either if it doesn't feel right."

She is making it really hard to not ruin this makeup. I almost stop breathing to keep from crying. I want something to be me. I want to know the answer so badly.

And the right questions.

Shit . The Owner did tell me everything I needed with that stupid Tarot reading, I just didn't get it. The High Priestess card means embracing duality , even the masculine and feminine.

"When I discovered being a demigirl was a thing," SJ continues, "finding the symbol for it, realizing there is a name for what I am, was so much fun!"

" Fun ?" I sputter.

"Yes, fun. What else do you call pure, undiluted joy?" My makeup is apparently finished, but instead of spinning me around, SJ unleashes my hair from its bun, and I realize she's been heating up a curling iron too. She starts to brush out my hair and separate it into sections. "I was so happy, so surprised, honestly, that it made me giddy. I know not everyone's experiences with discovering their identities are like that. Some are really tough. Some are sad. Some are filled with fear and danger. But for me it was fun, and I am not going to let anyone take that from me. Whatever our experiences, honey, they are all just as authentic and valid."

It is a lot to take in, but having SJ brushing and styling my hair while I process all of it helps.

"You know, after telling an old high school friend once about me being bisexual, he actually had the gall to ask me… have you ever even been with a woman?" she mockingly reenacts.

" Wow . That is seriously gross."

SJ grins down at me.

"What?"

"Not that I ever doubted, but that is how I know you belong here, whatever your identity, orientation, or fashion sense. Because true queerness has no patience for gatekeeping. For one, orientation has nothing to do with monogamy or past experiences. If it did, everyone who's single or a virgin is asexual. And power to our aces, but virginity does not mean ace. Only we can really know who we are, and sometimes it takes a while to figure that out."

It all seems so obvious, and I sniffle back a few more tears.

My hair takes a while for her to curl. It's thick and long and unruly with how I shoved it into a bun this morning, but while SJ is curling it, she gives me a few more minutes of quiet to keep processing. She eventually brings up some general topics, like how well Madame Mattie's has been doing. How awesome Odai and I are together. Ideas for some future double dates, which I really, really want to do once things aren't awkward anymore between me and Cas.

Things haven't been too awkward. She does mostly act normal around me, but I really need to talk to her.

When SJ is finished, the final touch is a little ChapStick for my lips, not gloss or lipstick. She fluffs my hair around my shoulders, and then surprises me by putting my glasses back on. I've never made myself up and still worn them.

"Ready to see?" SJ asks.

"I don't want to change my pronouns," I say.

"Cool."

"But I do think I like the idea of being a demiboy? It sounds… right."

" Cool ," she says again, and when I nod, she turns the chair to face the mirror. "Because I think this is the most you I've ever seen you."

I don't know what I was expecting. Heavy Mattie makeup maybe. But how SJ has done my face is so… subtly pretty, sort of like hers. Like there's some Jeffrey, and some Mattie, but perfectly in between those two that it finally feels …

Shit . No more nauseating carnival rides, but an emotional rollercoaster that turns on the waterworks can be just as frustrating. It is all so perfect, being a little less than Mattie but more than Jeffrey, which apparently was where the real Jeffrey lived all along. The outfit is way out there and risqué, but I also love it because it's not as risqué as wearing a corset and bloomers in public.

All the pieces are color-blocked either black and white or pink and blue. The crop of the layered tops means there's some tummy showing, but hey, my nipples pop out of my dress most nights as Mattie. The shorts are short , but my legs are pretty incredible, thank you, and in these heeled boots, once I look at them, and then stand to get a feel for them and see the full-length me in the mirror, I think I could almost walk a runway.

And I honestly love that I am wearing my glasses, not forcing myself to wear contacts that'll dry out my eyes in a few hours. It looks… it all looks… so…

Urg . Now, I'm really crying. "I'm sorry." I shake my head, still looking at myself in the mirror with little glances at SJ. "I am going to ruin all your hard work. And you did such a good job. It's perfect ."

SJ puts an arm around my shoulders to hug me sideways, also admiring me in the mirror. " You're perfect. You look amazing. Assuming you like it?"

"I love it." I turn to her and hug her properly, a little taller than her now that I am also in heels. "Thank you. "

"Hey, no one is supposed to be chained to one section, not in Fluid Fashion or in life. You're allowed to mix and match. You're just enough down the slide wheel of identity that you can't be defined by words you've always known. There is another word for you, and you just needed to learn it. And if your place on that slide wheel ever changes, that's normal too, and can be just as fun, if you let it happen and take some joy in every new discovery of who you are."

"I just feel so stupid."

"Don't say that!" She pulls away. "Why?"

"Because falling somewhere in the middle never even occurred to me. Now it just seems so… duh ."

SJ laughs and wipes at my tears. "It doesn't matter how you got here or how long it took, just that you're here now. Trust me."

"Like with you and Cas?"

She gives an honest guffaw, given she admitted she's waiting on a ring. "Yes. Impatient as us humans can be, the good stuff is always worth waiting for."

"I am buying all of this."

"Then you better believe you're getting the friends and family discount."

Odai

Another morning with fliers from Mrs. Sherman. Jeffrey barely noticed, distracted by his promised trek to see SJ before Fluid Fashion opens. The words printed were even less cordial than previous attempts. Mrs. Sherman does indeed mean to triple her efforts, and while those efforts might fail, they disrupt the main wish Jeffrey made of me.

It is time she paid.

My plan is set, simple, perhaps even inelegant in some ways, but the end result will ensure Mrs. Sherman never stands in Jeffrey's way again.

It is as I am about to slip out the back door of Madame Mattie's, hoping I can finish my task before Jeffrey returns, that he does, earlier than expected.

"Hell-O, gorgeous!" I hear Cas from where she is manning the checkout counter. "Like, holy crap, kid. SJ implied a little of what she had planned for you, but damn . You look amazing!"

"You really think so?" There is a change in Jeffrey's tone, notably from the past few days. I felt the flux of his emotions while he was away, but I had been preoccupied with my plan for Mrs. Sherman. Now, I am compelled to see Jeffrey for myself .

Damn is the gentlest way of putting it. I can hardly believe Jeffrey walked all the way back from the queer distract dressed and made up so unlike himself.

Except this is him, perhaps for the first time.

Jeffrey sees me, and the light already infusing him, as if the true spark of his soul has finally been ignited, shines even brighter. He tucks some of his gently curled hair behind his ear. But then straightens and shakes it back, more confident than in the guise of Mattie.

"What do you think?" He steps more into the open and does a twirl to show off his exposed midriff, high-cut shorts, and the way his legs look twice as long in his new heeled boots. He is wearing my zip-up, which I knew would look stunning on him, but I never imagined how much.

"I think you are not on the clock until this afternoon," I say, "and I require a break."

Cas snorts, as I sweep across the floor and seize Jeffrey by the arms.

"Odai!" he protests with a laugh, his shoulder bag falling to the floor after my hasty grab of him, left behind for Cas to fetch.

As soon as we're on the stairs, I whisper, "I am going to ravage you. Right . Now ."

I feel Jeffrey's body heat up. "Because you need to?"

"I do, but in no way connected to the amulet's power. Only yours. "

Just like I threw him onto the sofa the other night, I throw him onto his bed. He is beautiful, sprawled out and on display for me.

"You have never looked more ravishing."

"Really?" Jeffrey glances away with his blush creeping higher. "It's just a little makeup. And a change of clothes—"

"Jeffrey," I cut him off, crawling onto the bed after him, "you are more beautiful now because you believe it, because you are you . Do not doubt yourself again."

His hazel eyes flutter to meet mine. "Thank you."

"Now, while I do very much like you in these clothes, I also long to remove you of them." I kiss him, not yet undoing any clasps or drawing down zippers. For now, I slide a hand high enough up his thigh for my fingers to dig inside denim and clench the youthful pertness of his behind.

Jeffrey bucks up to get closer to me. I am tempted to leave some of his clothing on. The zip-up and boots perhaps. Yes.

I hoist Jeffrey up the bed as we kiss, twirling the fork of my tongue with his, and eventually flick its tips along the bow of his lips. We have been working on Jeffrey taking the ring of my cock. No one has ever attempted before. No one has ever wanted to.

"Jeffrey…" I take his hand and slide it down my stomach right to my cock as I change forms, willing my clothing to vanish so he finds skin. "Today, you are going to take all of me. Assuming, of course, that you wish to do that." I grin .

Jeffrey curls his fingers around my now purple cock and strokes it to the ring. "Oh yeah, I wish for that. But I am still going to earn it."