11. Arabella

11

ARABELLA

R afferty had texted me not long after he and his mother left the house that the baby was coming. As I waited to hear that all had gone as planned, I busied myself back in the attic, sorting through boxes and deciding most of the contents had been stored away for a reason. Nothing but junk.

I’d gotten through most of it when Rafferty texted again.

We have a baby Moon. Madeleine Moon has arrived healthy. Elliot’s doing great, too. Caspian’s a little shaky but really happy.

A slight wistfulness came over me. I wanted a baby. A family. Would I ever get one?

I drove back to Jasper and Stella’s after I’d taken a load of trash out to the dump and then another to the donation drop-off. Maisie and I had come up with a plan and price that she felt would help move the ranch fast. She also gave me the name of a lawyer to hire to sort out any legal issues. I’d decided I wanted to keep five acres of my father’s hundred-acre plot. If all went well, I’d have enough to pay off my student debt and take out a loan to have a house built.

Jasper was not there when I let myself in through the back door, having left me a note that he went to meet his new granddaughter but would be back before dinner. A minute or so later, Rafferty texted that he was on his way.

I sat at the kitchen island, staring at my phone. Should I call the number Sally had sent me? Should I wait? If it was bad news and she was deceased, I wasn’t sure I could take it.

Courage. I had to at least try to reach her. If it was bad news, I’d just have to deal with it.

I paced back and forth, the phone clutched tightly in my hand. My heart raced, and I had to take a few steadying breaths before punching in the number I’d already memorized. The room was so quiet I could hear the hum of the refrigerator and the faint ticking of the wall clock, but all my focus was on each ring.

Finally, a voice picked up on the other end, soft and warm, though cautious. “Hello?”

I gripped the counter to steady myself. “Is this Sally Nixon?” My throat was so tight I could barely get the words out.

There was a pause, and I could feel her hesitation—a stranger’s voice calling her something that had long since been stripped from her life. “That’s my maiden name.” Her tone held a faint tremor of hope. “Who is this?”

I cleared my throat, forcing the words past the knot that had tightened there. “It’s…it’s Arabella.”

A soft gasp and then silence. I imagined her standing there, phone to her ear, perhaps a hand clutched to her mouth as she tried to process what I’d just said. What did she look like now? Was she well? Had her marriage to Jacob lasted? And what about my brothers?

“Arabella?” Her voice trembled, full of disbelief. “I’d given up. All these years…”

“I didn’t know where you were. Or that you’d written to me.” A mix of remorse and relief and nerves bubbled into a complicated concoction inside me. “My father died recently, and I’ve been cleaning out the house to put it on the market. This morning, I was up in the attic, and I found a box with some of your things—keepsakes from what I could tell. And there was this stack of cards. All unopened. The birthday cards. From you. He never told me you’d sent them. He never told me what happened.”

“I figured he wouldn’t.” The warmth in her tone gave way to bitterness. “But I had to hope that he might give you the birthday cards, even if he wouldn’t let me see you.” Her voice broke, and I could hear how she fought to keep from crying. “It was a silly hope, I suppose, knowing who he is. Or was. What happened to him?”

“He had dementia,” I said softly, my own throat tight with emotion. “And wandered away from home. He died in a snowstorm.”

“Oh, that’s awful. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. He was…a terrible man.”

“Was he abusive to you? That was my biggest fear.”

I wanted to lie to spare her feelings, but I didn’t want to start our relationship with mistruths. “He was cruel to me when I was younger. Mostly verbal. An occasional smack across the face when I made him angry, but nothing serious. He never pushed me down the stairs, for example.”

I heard her breath catch. “Thank God.”

“He was the reason you got addicted.”

“I’ve been sober a long time now,” she said softly. “I’m proud to say so and proud of the work I did on myself. But I wish to God I’d never been prescribed those pills in the first place. Then I wouldn’t have lost you. Maybe I could have taken you away from him. We could have moved away.” The longing in her voice was palpable, a wound that had never fully healed.

“I have so many questions,” I said. “About Jacob and my brothers. Michael and Daniel.” Saying their names out loud felt a little like a prayer.

“Oh, they’re great. All grown now. Twenty-one and eighteen. They’re both at the university and live on campus, not far from here. Michael’s more like Jacob, quiet and cerebral. Daniel’s all me. Arty and sensitive.”

“And Jacob? Is he well?”

“Oh, yes. We’re very happy together. He’s my best friend. Always supportive, even during hard times. Jacob healed a lot of the wounds your father gave me. I hope that gives you comfort.”

“It does. The way he told the story—he told me you left because you didn’t want me. All these years, I’ve hated you. To know that you’ve had a good life makes… I feel a little better about believing his lies. I’m sorry I didn’t do more digging. Ask more questions.”

I heard sobs coming from the other end of the line.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said.

“No, it’s not your fault. The truth is the truth. Your father robbed me of my child. I’ll never forgive him, even though I’ve tried. As low as I got, God never gave up on me. Somehow, he reached me in my lowest moment. I was near death when I felt his presence so strongly. He wanted me to get better. He still believed in me. A few days later, I went to rehab, and I’ve stayed sober all this time.”

“I’m proud of you. It must have been hard.”

“Facing a sober life without you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. What about you, though? I want to know everything.”

“I want to tell you everything, but not over the phone. Would you want to meet in person?” I managed to ask, feeling that surge of courage I’d built up to make this call begin to waver.

“Oh my gosh, yes,” she said, her voice now bright with a new energy. “Would you like to come here? Meet your brothers and Jacob?”

I swallowed hard, a lump in my throat that hurt. “I can’t think of anything I’ve ever wanted more. I can be there tomorrow. Missoula’s about three hours away, according to my phone.”

“Tomorrow,” she repeated, sounding almost breathless. “I can’t believe this is really happening.”

“Is your address the same as the one on the cards?”

“No, we moved a few years after that to a house in the suburbs more suited to raising a family.”

A pang of jealousy struck me, but I set it aside. None of this was her choice.

She gave me the address, which I scribbled on a notepad left on the counter.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. I can be there around two if that’s okay?”

“That’s perfect.”

“Is it all right if I bring someone with me? I have a special man in my life, and it would mean a lot if I could bring him with me.”

“You could bring a herd of elk and still be welcome in my home.”

I smiled at the thought of a herd of elk in the suburbs. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” Sally said.

After I hung up, I stood staring out into the dimming light of day, amazed at the turn of events.

I couldn’t wait to tell Rafferty.

The next morning, we set out right at ten. Rafferty had been ecstatic when I told him the news, as had Jasper and Stella. I’d felt shy to ask Rafferty if he would go with me, but he seemed eager to join me.

It was close to two by the time we turned into the gated community in a wealthy area of Missoula. As we pulled up to the sprawling, tree-lined street, my stomach twisted into a painful knot. I felt breathless. My fingers tingled. “I think I may pass out.”

“You’ll be fine. Just breathe.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“True enough. This is it,” Rafferty said, pulling into a circular driveway in front of a spectacular brick house with a wide porch and ivy that climbed up the front. “Nice place,” he said.

“Yeah. Really nice.” It was the kind of house I might have imagined for a happy family—if I’d ever dared to imagine one for myself. I took a deep breath, steadying my hands as I climbed out of the car. Rafferty came to stand beside me and took my hand as we walked up to the front entrance.

The double doors opened before we reached them, and there she was. My mother. I froze, taking in her appearance: slim, youthful, with a grace and beauty that felt achingly familiar. She looked like me, only older. Same sleek brown hair and a heart-shaped face. The same soulful eyes. Seeing her felt surreal, like glimpsing an image of myself through some warped lens of time. She wore a warm, hopeful smile, though I could see her fighting back tears.

“Arabella,” she whispered, stepping forward, eyes wide, as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

“Hello.” My vision blurred with tears. I pressed my hand to my mouth, willing myself to keep it together.

“Your eyes are the same as the last time I saw you,” she said. “I would have known you had I seen you somewhere.”

“I look just like you.”

“Much prettier. May I hug you?”

“Yes, I’d like that,” I said.

Her arms wrapped around me, trembling. “I can’t believe it’s you. I’ve dreamed of this day for so long.”

I hugged her back, a strange sensation washing over me. Déjà vu? Memory? I don’t know. But she was someone I knew, one way or the other. She was my mother. “We’ve lost so much time,” I said.

“I know.” She pulled away, cupping my face. “My goodness, you’re so lovely. I’ve so many things to ask you.”

“I do too,” I said, my voice catching.

I suddenly remembered poor Rafferty standing a few feet away, giving us space. “This is my friend Rafferty. He’s from Bluefern.”

Sally reached out her hand, and Rafferty took it. “Would I recognize the name of your family? I grew up in Bluefern. You know that, of course. I’m sorry. I’m so nervous.”

Rafferty smiled one of his best bedside manner smiles. “It’s understandable. My mother’s name is Stella Moon, but before she married my stepdad, she was Stella Sharp.”

“Oh yes, of course. I remember her. She had three little boys. You must be one of them?”

“I’m the third. There are two more after me,” Rafferty said. “Five altogether. Our biological father was killed, and my mother remarried when I was nine. Jasper Moon adopted us, so we took his name. Arabella and I are the same age. We went to high school together.”

“Mortal enemies,” I said.

“We competed for top rank in our class.” Rafferty flushed as he shot a glance my way. “We’re no longer enemies. And all that hard work paid off for both of us. Your daughter is Bluefern’s veterinarian.”

Sally’s face lit up with obvious delight. “I knew you were smart. And you were crazy for animals from the time you could walk.”

“Rafferty’s Bluefern’s doctor,” I said, a surge of pride warming my chest. “He came back to town to run a family practice about the same time I moved home.”

Sally’s eyes dimmed momentarily, but she quickly hid whatever it was that hurt her. “How wonderful. I want to hear every detail. Please, come in out of the cold. The boys are all dying to meet you.”

Inside, the rooms were as beautiful as the exterior suggested—decorated in warm, earthy tones, with large windows that let in streams of natural light. Family photos lined the walls. I hesitated for a moment, taking in the progression of my brothers’ ages through the years. Several were of my mother holding them as infants. A pang of envy made my chest ache, almost like the feeling of being homesick. They had been loved and cherished. That much was obvious.

What would I have been like had I grown up here with my mother?

She guided us into a formal living room. A nice-looking man with streaks of silver in his dark hair stood to greet us.

“This is Jacob. My husband.” The pride and love in her tone were obvious, as was the shine that came to her eyes.

“Arabella, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Jacob stepped closer, holding out his hand and enveloping mine in a firm but gentle shake. “We’ve prayed for this day.” His eyes were a muted shade of blue, and his smile was warm and inviting. I felt instantly at ease.

“It’s nice to meet you too. Thank you for having us.”

“You’re always welcome here,” Jacob said.

Footsteps sounded behind me, and I turned to see two young men. Tall and athletic, they looked a lot like younger versions of their father.

“These are your brothers,” Sally said. “Daniel and Michael.”

The taller of the two, Daniel, stepped forward first, giving me a shy smile. “Hi, Arabella. I’m glad to meet you.”

“I’m glad to meet you, too. It’s hard to believe I have a little brother.”

“We’re psyched to finally meet you.” The younger of the two bounded forward, pumping my hand. “I’m Michael.” He had the energy of a black Lab puppy. “You look just like Mom.”

“I thought so too,” I said.

“Did you remember her?” Michael asked.

“I have memories, yes. Not a lot. Almost like little snippets of videos, if that makes sense.”

“Totally. I’m sorry about everything that happened.” Michael’s tremulous smile became a grin. “But you’ve made Mom really happy by calling. It’s a miracle. One we’ve been praying for.”

“You have no idea how much it means to hear that coming from you.” I smiled back at him, mesmerized by the charming warmth that exuded from his every pore.

Rafferty’s hand gently pressed against the small of my back, reminding me to introduce him to my brothers and stepfather. What a concept. I had brothers. And a stepfather. It was hard to stay grounded in the moment, as my thoughts jumped from thing to thing, like a bee in a meadow of flowers.

“This is Rafferty,” I said.

Rafferty stepped forward, shaking both boys’ hands before turning to Jacob to do the same. “Thanks for welcoming us into your home.”

Jacob spoke, his voice calm and genuine. “We hope you’ll make a habit of it.”

“Are you hungry? I made lunch,” Sally said. “And I have sodas or coffee if you’re thirsty.”

“Maybe in a bit,” I said. At the moment, I was way too nervous to eat or drink anything.

“Mom cooks when she’s nervous,” Michael said. “So, there are cookies too.”

“She makes really good cookies,” Daniel said.

Sally flushed with obvious pleasure at their compliments, which told me how loyal they were to her. Protective even. Yet they were welcoming me into their lives without hesitation. They had been loved unconditionally. I was not a threat to them because they felt secure.

“It must be weird to be here,” Daniel said. He was the quieter of the two but one who noticed what was happening around him. A quiet observer. Like me.

“Shall we leave the ladies to get better acquainted?” Jacob asked. “Rafferty, would you care to join us downstairs? We have a man cave down there with a television.”

“We can watch football,” Daniel said. “Or whatever.”

“Last we looked, the Steelers were up by seven,” Jacob said.

I couldn’t care less about football, but I welcomed the chance to speak to my mother alone. There would be time to get to know Jacob and my brothers later after I got used to the idea that I had a family.

“You good?” Rafferty asked quietly, near my ear.

“Yes, I’m fine.” I smiled back at him, resisting the urge to throw myself into his arms.

“Great. Lead the way,” Rafferty said. “But fair warning, I am not a Steelers fan.”

As the men exited the room, I heard Rafferty say something about a quarterback injury and Michael answering back about a rookie substitution.

“Do you want to sit?” Sally asked me, gesturing toward the couch.

“Yes, thanks. Your home’s lovely.” This room was feminine and pretty, with a sage-green couch and white chairs set around a gas fireplace. Every vase and piece of artwork on the walls seemed specifically picked. Did Sally have a gift for decorating, or did she hire someone? So many questions.

“Did you decorate yourself?” I asked.

“Sort of. I have a good friend who’s a set designer. She helped me.”

Set designer? Did that mean she was still involved in the theater?

We settled in the matching chairs, divided by a sleek black coffee table. I crossed my legs and hooked one ankle behind my opposite calf at the exact time my mother did the same. She must have noticed, too, because we shared a chuckle.

“In your box—there were clippings from the newspaper about the school plays,” I said.

“Oh, yes. I kept everything from those days.”

“Did you ever pursue acting?” I asked. Wait until I told her Annie Armstrong was married to Atticus.

“Yes. In fact, I founded a small theater here in Missoula. We started small, but now we’re quite well-known. I’m the artistic director. We have two stages, so we have multiple productions going at once. You’d be surprised at the talent here.”

“I thought you worked with addicts?” I asked.

“That’s my other passion, but I only volunteer. When I married Jacob, he encouraged me to pursue my dreams and actually funded the theater the first few years.”

“What does he do?” I asked, curious.

“He’s a doctor. Oncologist here at one of our big hospitals.”

Doctor. Like Rafferty. Interesting coincidence.

Sally seemed to be thinking along the same lines. “I know, it’s weird, isn’t it? Are you together or just friends?”

I launched into the whole story, starting with our rivalry and ending with the snowstorm and finding my father dead. “It’s hard to explain, but something shifted that night we were alone. I was frightened and worried and guilty, you know. He was so strong and thoughtful. Brave, too. I saw him in a whole new way. So, we’re new. But not new at the same time.”

“I can see how you feel about him by the sparkle in your eyes.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him,” I whispered conspiratorially.

“He seems like a catch to me despite your former rivalry.”

Prickles went down my arms. The way she looked at me as if I were the most special person in the world made me feel like a cherished daughter. A daughter who could tell her mother anything and know she would listen without judgment, delighted by my every word. Like Stella with her sons. I’d never experienced that kind of parental love. Not that I could remember, anyway.

“I can’t believe this is really happening,” I said.

“I can’t either,” Sally said, laughing through tears. “You’ve no idea how many times I wished for this. Thank you for reaching out. For being willing to give me a chance.”

“After I learned the truth, I would have fought hard to find you. I was worried you wouldn’t be at the same number. Or that I’d find out you were no longer with us. It took me a whole day to convince myself to try the number, but finally decided it was better to know what happened. Either way.”

“I kept that number all these years. Just in case.”

“I’m glad you did,” I said.

“All right, tell me everything. I want to know as much as you’re willing to share.”

“Where do we start?” I asked. “There’s a lot to cover.”

“Twenty-nine years,” Sally said. “But maybe we start in the present. Tell me more about your life in Bluefern. Oh, and I want to know about your college experience and medical school and why you decided to be a vet. Who your best friend is. What do you like for dessert? Everything.”

So, I did as requested. I told her all of the details of my life. My time at medical school. My best friends Breck and Abby. “Both veterinarians but far away from me, sadly.”

“Oh, that’s a shame.” Sally leaned forward, seemingly hanging on my every word. It felt so good to be listened to and to be gazed at with such love. “But they sound lovely.”

I told her about the slow realization my father was showing signs of dementia until finally I made the nearly impossible decision to come home and take care of him. “Even though he was terrible, he was my father. Knowing what I know now, though, I don’t think I would have come. I’d have let him rot there alone.”

“You say that, but my guess is you’re too softhearted to have done so.”

Buoyed by her attention, I told her more about my childhood. “My grandmother came to live with us after you…were sent away. She took care of my physical needs but wasn’t really available emotionally if you know what I mean.”

“I remember her.” Sally shuddered. “She hated me.”

“She hated everyone. She was almost as mean as him.”

Sally’s eyes filled again, and she dabbed at them with a tissue. “My poor baby. Stuck with them.”

“She died when I was eleven, and then it was just the two of us. I took care of cooking and cleaning, but I never let it get in the way of studying. I’m not sure how I knew school was the only way I was going to get away from him, but I did.”

“And yet you came back.”

“He’s gone now, so I’m free. And now I know the truth.”

“It’s strange that he kept the cards I sent.” Sally glanced toward the fire. “It makes no sense.”

“I know. We’ll never know, I don’t think.”

I asked her questions then, wanting to know more about how she’d been groomed by my father.

“He saw me in a play, and he started just showing up in places. I worked in the diner after school, and he’d show up there, always at the end of my shift, and offer to walk me to my car. My home life wasn’t the greatest. I didn’t get a lot of love or affection, and he showered me with it. I read something recently about this concept of ‘love bombing.’ Have you heard of that?”

“Sure.”

“He charmed me—pursued me relentlessly until I slept with him. I got pregnant, obviously, and when I told him, he acted like he was happy. Maybe he was. He wanted to keep me there. Keep me small. He knew a baby was the way to do it. And it wasn’t until I’d given up everything—my plans for college and getting out of Bluefern—and married him that he showed me who he truly was. I was eight months pregnant the first time he hit me. Before that, it was only verbal brutality. I tried to protect you from him after you were born, and it wasn’t hard. He never showed much interest in you, which I couldn’t understand. I was obsessed with you. Maybe that’s what caused his violence to become worse. He was jealous. The time he pushed me down the stairs and I broke my leg, he left me in the house alone. I had to crawl to the phone to call someone to come get me and take me to the doctor. And you know what happened after that. The painkillers softened everything. Took the edge off. Made me less afraid of my husband. It all spiraled out of control, though, when the doctor cut me off. Arabella, the lengths I went to get those happy pills—it’s disgusting to think of now.”

“I’m so proud of you for your recovery.”

She smiled. “Thank you. I promised myself if I kicked it, I would spend the rest of my life trying to make something of myself. I got involved in the local theater scene here. I even went back to school and got a degree in drama. I was teaching school when I met Jacob. He changed my life.”

“Funny how the right person can do that,” I said.

“I’m all for women empowering themselves, but at the end of the day, having someone who supports you in all things is a true blessing. I’ve been lucky that way. And the boys have been the biggest joy. But there was always something missing.” She pressed her hand into her chest. “This part of me that had been cut out. You.”

Overcome with emotion, I teared up. “I’m here now.”

“I can’t fix the ways you suffered because of him. God knows I would if I could, but I’d consider it a privilege to be your mom now. We’ll never get back those years, but we could share a lot more. If you want.”

“I’ve always wanted a mother to share everything with—to tell all my secrets and dreams and experience unconditional love. I don’t think I really realized how much I needed you until I found the stack of cards.”

“We have a lot to look forward to now,” Sally said. “Holidays. Maybe wedding dress shopping?”

I laughed, glancing toward the door that led down to the basement. “I didn’t think it would be Rafferty Moon, that’s for sure. Hopefully, he’s feeling what I’m feeling.”

“I can assure you that he does.” She patted my knee, staring into my eyes. “What man wouldn’t want you?”

“My father made sure I thought the opposite. He called me Pudge.”

“Pudge? Why?”

“I was a chubby kid. Food was a source of comfort.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left you there with him.”

“He told me I was too fat for any man to love,” I said. “And I believed him.”

“You know how wrong he was, right?”

“Yeah, I guess I do. The way Rafferty looks at me helps.”

“That’s a fine man. A smart one too.”

“I thought you didn’t want me,” I said quietly. “Which made me feel like he was right. Even my own mother couldn’t love me. But when I found those cards, everything I thought I knew lifted, and I could finally see the full truth. You loved me. You wanted me. All this time.”

“Desperately.”

“A fresh start. We have a chance now,” I said.

She held out her arms and I went to her, letting her hold me as the healing process began.