3. Grant

CHAPTER3

GRANT

SEVEN YEARS LATER

It’s time.

Hell, it’s past time.

I’ve put it off for too long, and I have to do something about it. I could go on another mission and be gone for months on end. The SEAL team would be happy if I did, and there’s a big part of me that hates leaving my brothers in arms. I’ve struggled with this, but once I finally made the decision, I was at peace with it. I went through all the proper channels. I talked to my superiors. I filled out the paperwork, I completed the separation counseling and have been cleared to leave with the suggestion I continue therapy for the nightmares that I’ve been having.

I know that since I’ve only been enlisted for twenty years, I’ll be leaving with only 50 percent of my salary. I know if I just put in another ten years, I’ll get the full 100 percent and more. But it’s not worth it to me.

I know all of the reasons that I should stay, but it’s time for me to go home.

I fidget in the seat as I sit outside the troop commander’s office.

I requested this meeting, and he’s put me off and put me off, so now I’m sitting here waiting for him to come out. He can’t avoid me forever.

One way or another, I’m leaving, and I prefer to do it with approval instead of just going AWOL.

I stand up and move to the window and stare out at the base. As I cross my arms over my chest, I let my mind wander, and like always, the first thing I think about is Jane.

My wife.

She’s my wife in name only. On paper, we’re truly married. According to the Navy, our marriage is 100 percent legit. But in all the ways that count, we’re not really husband and wife.

For the last seven years, I’ve kept my distance even though it’s the last thing I wanted to do. I tried going home once, but after only one night with her in the cozy home she had created, I knew she was too tempting and I wouldn’t be able to keep my distance from her. So after that, I made a point to stay busy. I went on every deployment I could, spent my free time alone, and did my best to stop thinking of her.

And even though I was successful in staying away from her and my home in Whiskey Run, I couldn’t refuse her when she made a point to call me every week or when she sent me care packages filled with homemade cookies, brownies, and letters that smelled like lilacs and reminded me of her.

No matter how much time I spent on the battlefield or on missions, doing my best to think of anything but her, all I could do is think about Jane. I’ve convinced myself that I’m past my prime and I need to retire, but deep down, I know it’s because I want to go home to my wife.

The sound of the office door opening jars me from my thoughts, and I turn on my heel. The troop commander takes one look at me and shakes his head. He knows why I’m here, and he’s not happy about it.

“Okay, Southpaw. Come on in. Have a seat.”

I let out a sigh of relief when he calls me by my nickname. He has to be softening to my request if he calls me anything but my last name. I pull my shoulders back and walk into the troop commander’s office. He moves a little slower and drops heavily into his chair behind his desk.

“Did you want to talk about something?”

I spurt out a laugh and then catch myself. “Commander, I think you know what I want to talk about. I submitted all the paperwork for my retirement almost six months ago. The date I requested was two months ago, and I want to check on the paperwork because I’ve heard nothing back.”

He stares at me, and I shrug my shoulders. “Did I miss a signature line? Maybe I missed a paper or something? I thought I turned it all in, but if I missed something, can you let me know?”

He holds his hands together on the top of the desk. “You know Warren is teaching now. Have you considered doing that?”

I know who he’s talking about. Warren is a buddy of mine, so I know his story, and the fact is, Warren is happy teaching because his fiancée is here. “I’m not teaching.” I take a deep breath and tell him, “I want out.”

His jaw tightens. “So you want to go through with it?”

His eyes are boring into me, and I stare back at him without blinking. I don’t even hesitate. “Yeah, I want to go through with it.”

“But—” he starts, and I nod my head.

“I know. Trust me, I know whatever you’re about to tell me or warn me about. I want to do this. It’s time for me to go home.”

He purses his lips together and gives one big nod with an exhale of breath. “Okay. We hoped you’d change your mind, but obviously that’s not going to be the case.” He pulls a folder from the top drawer of his desk and opens it. He wraps his hand around the big stamp and pounds it on the signed paperwork. “Approved. It’s done. You can go home.”

For just a second, I’m filled with fear. “I can go home… now?”

For twenty years, I’ve served, and even though this is what I want, I’m not going to act like the idea of leaving this life doesn’t leave me a little overwhelmed.

The troop commander nods. “Yep, I should have signed it a few months ago, but I was hoping you were going to change your mind. You are one of the best designated marksmen I’ve ever worked with, Southpaw… We’re going to miss you around here.”

I clear my throat to hide the emotion welling inside me. This is all I’ve known for twenty years, and just like that, I’m done. I thank him, and as I walk out of the office, my thoughts go to Jane. I type out a text to her.

“I’m coming home.”

I think about it and am about to delete it before I impulsively hit send. With a sigh of relief, I call Ethan. He picks up on the first ring and says hello.

“Hey,” I croak out.

He’s taken aback, and it doesn’t take him long to figure it out. “They’re letting you out.”

It’s more of a statement than a question. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.

Ethan laughs on the other end. “Breathe, brother. It’s going to be okay. This is what you wanted.”

I snap myself out of it as the doubts start to pile up. “I know, but…”

I walk outside the building and take a deep breath. I don’t slow down as I walk to the barracks. I’ve been living out of my sack for a while now, hoping for this day, and I could literally be on the road in an hour.

“But what? You said this was what you wanted. Have you changed your mind?”

I shake my head. “No. I want this.”

Ethan laughs. “So what are you so freaked out about?”

“I’m not—” I start to deny it, but Ethan is quick to call me out.

“We served side by side for how many years? I know you, and you’re freaking out. It’s Jane, isn’t it? Have you told her you’re coming home?”

My voice doesn’t even sound like my own. “I sent her a text.”

Ethan laughs loudly into the phone. “You sent her a text?”

I shrug like it’s no big deal, and I realize Ethan can’t see me. “Yeah, I sent her a text. What’s the big deal?”

“What’s the big deal?” he repeats. “Oh, I don’t know, you’re retiring from the SEALs and you sent a text to your wife to let her know. She’s the woman you’ve been in love with for the last seven years, and you thought it was a good idea to TEXT her?”

I don’t even try to deny how I feel about Jane. It would be a waste of time because Ethan would see right through it. “I just…” I start and then stop myself.

“You just what? Spit it out.”

“I’m a fool. It’s been seven years. Hell, she could be seeing someone or something. Plus, I’m not going to …” I huff out a breath and stop outside the barracks.

I’ve rendered Ethan speechless.

“Look, forget it. I’m good. How about you? How’s your mission?”

When he still doesn’t respond, I say his name again. “Ethan.”

He groans. “Please tell me you’re not going to try and be some martyr or some stupid shit like that. You’re going to start spewing crap about how you don’t deserve her and you’re saving her from you. I swear if you do, you’re a bigger dumbass than I thought. It’s obvious you love her. Don’t fuck this up, Grant.”

He knows me too well. Even though I’m dying to get home to Jane, I’m still determined to hold back. I need to have something to offer her besides the emotionally wounded walking disaster that I’ve become. So what do I do? I lie to my best friend. “I promise. I’ll give it my best shot.”

He blows out a breath. “How come I feel like you’re lying to me?”

“I will. I’ll do my best. Now can we quit talking about me? What’s up with you? Have you come clean with Kelsie, or does she still think she’s writing to Tom?”

When he doesn’t answer me right away, I continue, “I can’t believe you’re giving me a lecture about Jane when you’ve been lying to Kelsie this whole time. She’s going to find out it’s you eventually, and she’s not going to forgive you.”

“I’m not hurting her… I’m doing it to protect her.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever the reason, you’re still going to hurt her by lying to her.”

“Shit, Grant. What are we doing? Are we going to spend all day gossiping with each other or what?”

I nod at a few of the guys walking by. “You’re right. Okay, I was just calling to tell you I’m heading home. Be safe out there, brother.”

“You got it. I need to go, but I’ll be in touch. See ya, brother.”

I hang up and pocket my phone before heading inside. I’m going to grab my sack and get on the road. It will take a few days to get from California to Tennessee, but it will give me plenty of time to figure out a plan for when I get home. For seven years, since the day I met Jane, I’ve wanted to be with her. But can I take what I want if I know it’s not the best thing for her?