10. Grant

CHAPTER10

GRANT

I’m about to open the book of letters when my phone rings. I’m expecting it to be my therapist and am surprised to see my old buddy Griffin Baine on the line. We’ve been on a few tours together, and he medically retired a few years back.

I force the cheerfulness into my voice. There’s no reason for everyone to know I’m literally falling apart right now. “Griffin! What’s up, brother?”

“My man. How’s it going, Grant? I heard you retired and thought I’d call you up to see what you’re into.”

I hold Jane’s book to my chest and sit on the edge of the bed. “I’ve been back less than a week, and I’m just trying to get used to civilian life. You know how it is.”

Griffin grunts into the phone. “Hell yeah, I know how it is. It was rough, man, but like you said, you’ve been home less than a week. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“Yeah, I know, I know, you’re right.”

“So you got a job lined up? I could get you on here with some security detail. We could use a sharpshooter like you.”

I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling. There’s a part of me that wonders if Jane wouldn’t be better off with me across the US instead of here in her house. She says she’s in it for the long haul, the good and the bad, but I can’t help but wonder how bad it’s going to get. “Can I think about it?”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel guilty. It’s almost as if I’m betraying Jane by even thinking about this.

“Sure, no problem. Let me know, and I can put you in touch with the boss.”

“Sounds good. How about you? Any good cases lately?”

Griffin is a security guard for celebrities and high profile people and usually can’t talk about who he’s working with, but it never stops me from asking.

“You know I can’t talk about it.”

There’s a lull in the conversation, and I know better because Griffin is one of those guys that knows me really well. “Okay, so we got the niceties out of the way, tell me how you’re really doing.”

I open my mouth to say everything is okay, but instead I just huff out a big breath. I’m tired of keeping it all in and dealing with it on my own. “I’ve been having nightmares.”

“Hmmm,” he says.

“Yeah, they’re pretty bad, and Jane, uh, Jane tried to wake me up the other night and I had her by the throat… so yeah, things aren’t going that well.”

“Is she okay?”

Of course Griff is going to be concerned about Jane. That’s who he is, and I’m thankful for it. “Yeah, she’s really good actually. She’s not happy that I’ve locked her out of the bedroom, but physically, she’s okay.”

“Hmmm,” he says again, and I can’t help being frustrated.

“What? If you got something to say, just say it.”

“When did the nightmares start?”

I don’t even have to think about it. “The day I turned in my retirement papers.”

“Do you regret retiring?”

I try to hold back a laugh. “Not even a little bit.”

“Okay, since you got home, are the nightmares worse? More frequent?”

“What the hell, Griff? Did you get a degree in social work or some shit? What’s with all the—”

He cuts me off. “Just answer the damn questions.”

“No, they’re not worse. I’m actually having them less since I got home, but I’m not sleeping well because I’m worried I’ll have one. I’m thinking I need to leave… that’s the only way I’ll know for sure that Jane is safe.”

“Fuck, you’re a dumbass, you know that, right, Grant?”

I’m not the least bit offended because this last week I haven’t felt very smart. “Whatever, man, you got some advice or what?”

“You’ve loved this chick—”

“Hey.” I grunt at him.

“Right? You’ve loved Jane for seven years now, and you were bursting at the seams to get home to her. Of course, with all the changes and uncertainties, you’ve got a lot of shit going on. Give yourself some time. You definitely shouldn’t leave the wife you just got home to. That would be asinine.”

I lay the book of Jane’s letters in my lap and trace the leather binding with my finger. “What if I hurt her?”

“You won’t.”

I shake my head, wishing I could believe him. “You don’t know that.”

“Look, Grant. Sounds to me like you need to talk to her about this and let her decide.”

“She doesn’t think I’d hurt her.”

He laughs. “Sounds like she knows you better than you know yourself.”

I grunt in frustration. “Griffin, you know it’s not that easy. You know that anything can happen—”

He interrupts me. “Yeah, I do know. But I also know that you have to work through this. Don’t throw away your marriage because of this. She’s stood by you for seven years… Don’t push her away now.”

All I can think about is how I don’t want to lose her. “Right. I got it. Thanks, brother.”

“Don’t fuck this up, Southpaw.”

I laugh when he calls me by my nickname. “I got it, and trust me, I’ll do whatever I have to do so I don’t fuck this up. I gotta go.”

We talk a little bit, and before he hangs up, he reminds me, “The job offer stands, and no offense, but I hope you turn it down.”

When I hang up, I realize I’ve missed a message in my therapy app. When I open it, I see that my therapist messaged me to let me know she’s had an emergency. I toss my phone to the nightstand and focus on the leather notebook in my hand.

As I take a deep breath and open the front cover, I recognize Jane’s handwriting instantly. I’ve stared at her letters so many times through the years, it brings me comfort to see them now.

I scan the first letter on the first page.

Hey husband,

That should probably feel awkward to say, but it actually feels… right. It’s the end of my first week in Whiskey Run and I just dropped you off at the airport. It was nice getting to know you this week and even though I expected things to feel weird, it didn’t. It felt… right. I know I already said that but it still surprises me.

When you left, there were a hundred things I’d wished I’d said to you. I know I’ve thanked you so many times that you’re sick of hearing it and now that you’re on a plane I wish I’d told you the rest. Like how you’ve been gone for an hour and I already miss you. That in this last week, you’ve been a better friend to me than I’ve ever had. And that when you left, I wish I’d had the guts to kiss you. More than anything, I wish I’d hugged you and told you I’d miss you.

Be safe, husband. I’ll be waiting for you.

Yours,

Jane

I go to the next page and read the next letter.

Hey Grant,

You know what? For these letters, I’m going to refer to you as husband. I don’t know why, but I get all tingly just saying the word out loud. I still can’t believe we’re married but I’m glad we are.

I talked to you on the phone today and I can tell by your twenty questions that you were worried about me. I don’t want you to worry about me. I know that you should spend your time concentrating on your job but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I appreciate it. For the first time, I feel like I mean something to someone.

I sent you cookies today in the mail. Your favorite. Well, at least you said they were your favorite. And I sent you the pictures you asked for. I’m glad we had them taken at the wedding. Please take care of yourself. I hope you know that I’m thinking of you and missing you.

Your wife,

Jane

Husband,

I had no idea when you asked me to marry you that my life would change the way it has. I was lost after my brother died and I was scared to death, trying to figure out what I was going to do. You saved me. I don’t know if you know that or not. But you did. And you continue to do so.

I hate being sick. Hate it! And I was ready to suffer through it. I should have known the way you rushed off the phone the other day after finding out I had the flu that you were up to something. It wasn’t one hour later and there was a knock at my door. How in the world you got a home health nurse to come here on such short notice is beyond me. You’ll be happy to know that even though I told her I was fine and could take care of myself, she didn’t listen. She’s been here for three days and I’m pretty sure costing you a fortune.

You better watch out, husband, because you keep this up and I’m going to fall even harder for you. Do you want that?

Your loving wife,

Jane

I focus on the word “loving” until the black letters are blurry against the cream paper. I shake my head and continue reading. There are letters where she’s asking me questions, wanting to get to know me better, and then there are letters where she talks about how she’s never been more alone than she is now, but she doesn’t feel lonely.

I sit here for hours poring over her words that are unfiltered, and while I do, I get to know her even better.

When I get to the end of the thick book, I see the letter that she wrote last week after finding out I’m coming home.

To my husband,

You’re coming home. I still can’t believe it but I’m so excited I can barely contain myself. I have all these dreams for when you come home. Have I told you about them? I think about it all the time but I can’t remember if I wrote you about them or not so here it goes.

In my mind, you come home and decide you love me.

I know, I know, you probably think I’m rushing things but I have been your wife for seven years. LOL.

Anyway, you come home and decide you can’t live without me. I, of course, am finally going to tell you that I love you and I have for a long time. Then we’re going to have kids. I actually have thought about this a bit and there’s nothing I want more than to have kids with you but I also want to spend some time together, just the two of us. We can go on vacation together, heck we can just sit on the front porch and watch the days go by, I don’t care. I just want to do life with you, hand in hand.

Anyway, I’ll see you in 3 days. Be safe and I love you.

Yours forever (if you’ll have me),

Jane

She loves me.

After everything… talking her into this marriage and then leaving her for seven years, and she still loves me. I’m not sure what I did to deserve her, but I can’t screw this up.

I grab the book and walk out of the bedroom. I take the stairs two at a time to get to her, and when I walk into her bedroom door, ready to tell her how I feel, I stop suddenly when I find her asleep on her bed. I tiptoe the rest of the way into the room and hover over her, watching her sleep peacefully. How this beautiful woman has come to love me is beyond me. It’s more than I ever could have imagined, and I know I need to do everything I can to earn her love.

I move to the chair in the corner and open the book again, scanning over the pages she’s written to me. When exhaustion takes over, I hold the book against my chest and close my eyes. I should go down to my room, but the need to be near Jane is overwhelming, so I sink farther into the cushions and let sleep take me away.