Chapter 14

The weekthat followed the confrontation in the study was one of the most difficult Ailis had ever experienced. Her conflicting emotions gave her headaches, her sleep was restless, and her appetite was lacking. And yet she had to try and put on a brave face for everyone, especially Lily.

Lily was a joy to be around, and although Ailis was careful never to venture beyond the walls with the bairn again, there was plenty to do in the garden, or the stables, or the library.

Lily was not as fond of the library as Ailis was, but she was always willing to sit and listen to stories, either out on a blanket in the garden or in her rooms, or in any bright and airy nook of the castle.

Likewise, the child loved to work in the kitchens. Ailis suspected it was because she was allowed to make a mess, so long as it was a productive one, and because everyone pretended not to notice if she snuck a little bit of sugar or a spoonful of honey into her mouth at times. And afterward, there was a trip to the bathing chamber, where she could splash around with gleeful abandon.

Ailis discovered that fact the morning after their excursion to the shore, when she went to ask the cook for a soothing tea for her headache and found the little girl standing on a stool.

Lily waved. "Ailis! Mornin'!"

She hopped off the stool and darted forward to hug Ailis before looking up at her with concerned eyes. "Was Faither very cross with ye? He didnae seem to be in a good mood last night."

Ailis managed to plaster on a smile, despite her sore eyes and aching head. "Well, he scolded me a little for nae tellin' him where we were goin', but it wasnae so bad. I just had to promise nae to do it again."

Lily beamed. "Och, that's nae bad! He does that when I'm hidin' too!"

Ailis tried not to blush as she remembered what else had come of that discussion. "Och, well, he might have been a wee bit sterner with me. But enough of that. What are ye doin' in the kitchens at this hour?"

"I help Diane with breakfast some days. Today, she's lettin' me help with makin' the bread dough for later!" Lily waved at the table. "I ken the recipe and everythin', and she said one of the other maids will be helpin' if I need it."

"Well, that's good of her. But the maids are all busy, so why nae let me help ye, if Miss Diane agrees."

The cook blinked in surprise. "Och… it isnae proper, but I dinnae see why ye cannae if ye wish to, Me Lady. After all, ‘tis soon to be yer kitchen."

Ailis laughed. "Och, I'm nae such a fool as to think that." She offered the older woman a conspiratorial smile. "Ye and I both ken that in any clan, the Lady may run the castle, but in the kitchen, the head cook is the queen."

An honest smile spread across the cook's face. "Thank God, but ye're a sensible one. I didnae ken, with yer appearing so suddenly. But if that's the case, then I've nay issue with ye comin' in here whenever ye like."

"I'm glad to hear it. What is it ye're havin' Lily make?"

"Dough for sweet buns for the evening meal. ‘Tis simple enough—Flour, water, salt, yeast for the risin', and a wee bit of honey or sugar for the sweetness."

Ailis smiled wryly. "I'm guessin' the bairn's chosen honey."

Diane laughed. "Och, ye've realized it already? The wee thing has a true passion for honey and sweet things. If I dinnae watch her, she'll add both to the dough, and nay one save her will be able to eat it, for it will be too sweet."

"Aye. I have a sister who was much the same." Ailis smiled in remembrance. "I'd best go keep an eye on her, afore the floor's awash in flour and there's nae a drop of honey left."

"Aye. That's wise. Though, to be fair, we're all inclined to look the other way if the lass eats a bit here and there. ‘Tis the way of children, is it nae?"

Ailis could vividly remember the occasional trips to pillage fruits and other treats from the kitchens at home. She laughed. "Aye, it is." She joined Lily at the bench, where the youngster was pouring flour into a bowl. "Here now, how many portions are ye making?"

"Two?"

"And did ye measure the flour for it?"

Lily blinked. "I think so…"

It didn't look measured, but the amount of flour was easy enough to correct. At worst, it would be an oddly textured loaf.

"Well, it looks like enough, so what's the next step?"

"Water!"

Together, the two of them measured out the water, salt, and a spoonful of honey. As soon as the honey was in the dough, Lily licked the spoon.

Ailis made a mock disapproving sound. "Ye didnae save any for me!" She ruffled the little girl's hair.

Lily giggled and ducked away, then accidentally knocked the flour for kneading the dough all over the bench, the floor, and both their skirts. She yelped.

Ailis laughed. "Dinnae fret, lass. ‘Twas bound to happen. And in any case, now we dinnae have to spread it for kneading."

Both of them plunged their hands into the flour dust, then sat to work kneading the bread loaves into shape to make sure all the ingredients were well mixed.

They were about ready to mold the loaves to be set aside for baking when the kitchen door opened again. Ailis paid it no mind until she heard Diane murmur, "Me Laird."

Duncan stood in the doorway. She suspected he'd come looking for Lily, but his eyes were fixed on her as he approached the bench they were sitting on.

"Lily, lass… ‘tis time for ye to get cleaned up for breakfast." He hesitated. "And if it's nae too much trouble, I'd like a word with ye, Lady Ailis."

Ailis was tempted to refuse, but she'd not embarrass him in front of his people. "Aye. As ye wish." She dusted off her hands and skirt. "But I need to wash meself, so I'd prefer if we could speak in me rooms."

"I have nay issue with that."

Together, the two of them took Lily to her maids to wash up and then made their way to Ailis's rooms.

Once inside, Ailis turned to him. "What is it ye want to speak to me about?"

"I feel as if I upset ye last night. I ken ye're frustrated with the situation, but?—"

"But ye have nay intention of doin' anythin' about it, like tellin' me what I ought to ken?" She was hoping she was wrong, but she was in no mood to dance around the matter if she wasn't.

"Ailis… it's nae that I dinnae trust ye. It's just that there are things I dinnae speak about to others. If ye'll give me time…"

"How much time? A month? A year? Longer?"

"I cannae say."

Disappointment filled her. "Cannae or willnae… what's yer reason for clinging to me so tightly, and keeping secrets like a wall between us at the same time?"

"I have me reasons. If ye'll just trust me… and stay with me…"

She didn't want to hear any more. Duncan's words had made it clear that he wasn't interested in actually explaining things to her. Or offering a meaningful apology.

Ailis finished cleaning her hands and fixed her hair, then met his gaze. "It seems ye have nothin' to say to me, after all. In which case, I have nothin' to say either. If ye'll excuse me."

With that, she left the room and left him standing there, in silence.

If excuses and walls were all he was prepared to offer her, then silence was all she had left to give in return.

Jack Wallace also became a familiar, and welcome, face following that conversation. He kept an eye on both Ailis and Lily, and though he was no more forthcoming with information than Duncan, he was a good deal more cheerful to be around.

Duncan. He was the source of the sleepless nights and headaches that plagued her daily as she played with Lily and prepared for her journey. He was constantly about. That was to be expected, of course, since it was his home and he was the Laird, but that made seeing him no easier.

She avoided him as much as she could. She asked for quills, paper and ink from the servants when she needed them, and made her travel plans with the help of Jack and a few of the maids and guards. When she had to speak to Duncan, she limited herself to meaningless platitudes and escaped the conversation as soon as she could.

He wanted her to stay, and he wanted her to uphold their agreement. But he didn't want it enough to tell her the things she ought to know. He insisted on leaving her in the dark, as if she was a child Lily's age, or simple-minded and slow-witted.

It was as if he didn't expect her to notice anything of import, or care, despite the fact that he ought to have known better. Instead, she was forced to observe the changes around the castle without the slightest idea of why they were occurring.

She didn't know why the number of the guards on the wall had doubled over the past few days, or why the stables were nearly empty because of the number of scouts patrolling the borders. She didn't know why she was shadowed by two men on any trip out of the main keep, and five men if she was with Lily.

She tried asking Jack on the fourth day.

Jack sighed. "'Tis on the Laird's orders that the number of guards on the wall increase. More than that, I cannae say."

She swallowed back her frustration. "But why nae? I'm the Laird's betrothed. Surely I can ken at least that much. Is there some danger or threat I need to be aware of, as I'm to be travelin' soon?"

"The Laird says ye dinnae need to worry about it. He says yer safety will be assured." Jack's eyes were sympathetic. "Ailis… I ken ye're frustrated, but Duncan… he has his reasons…"

"And I cannae ken those, any more than I can ken why the castle is on high alert and every move I make is watched." She wanted to slap Jack, but she restrained herself. He was only the messenger, after all. She took a deep breath. "I understand. If ye'll excuse me…"

She walked away before she could do something she would regret.

It hurt more than she'd thought it would. Being resigned to a loveless marriage was bad enough, but to one that was devoid of both love and trust, and scarcely involved even basic courtesy… that she'd not tolerate.

After the disaster of that last conversation, she'd studiously avoided speaking to Duncan, or even looking at him if she could. She didn't want him to try to continue to sway her.

Not with apologies that ultimately were only empty words. Nor with the physical attraction that still threatened to make her melt when he was nearby. And she absolutely refused to give him an opportunity to try and persuade her by "fulfilling" more of her fantasies.

And damn him for usin' that as an argument against me. And me for lettin' it happen, and bein' swayed by it. I'll nae accept such behavior anymore.

She might be a naive, overly caring dreamer, scarcely more woman than her sisters in her betrothed's eyes, but she knew her worth. She'd not be persuaded to accept his current terms with passionate encounters up against the wall like a wanton wench with no pride in herself.

She also refused to give him more chances to confuse her or break her heart further by drawing her in and then pushing her away again. Love might be an unattainable dream for her, but she hadn't lied that night when she declared that she deserved consistency at least.

Ailis shook her head to dispel her gloomy thoughts as she packed her bags and made sure she had all her books and writings tucked securely for the journey. Jack had offered her the small, open-top carriage for a smoother, easier journey, and she'd accepted, glad for the extra room to pack her belongings, such as the dresses the maids had helped her make during the week.

Some time at Maisie's would help soothe her heart and clear her mind. From there, she could decide what to do next. She half hoped that Duncan would write and ask her to return, as she'd demanded that day when she'd sent a letter to Maisie saying that she wanted to make an extended visit. Still, his actions thus far didn't give her a great amount of faith that he would.

She closed the bag and handed it to Kara to take to the waiting carriage, then followed behind. She'd just reached the door when the small figure she'd been looking for came running toward her.

"Ailis!"

"Lily-lass." She caught the child and stroked back her dark hair. The child's face was despondent, her eyes brimming with tears. "What's got ye so upset?"

Lily sniffled. "Ye're leavin'."

"Aye. I told ye I was goin' to visit some friends for a time."

"But how long?"

"I dinnae ken just yet." Ailis couldn't break the child's heart by telling her that it depended on her father, or saying that she might never return. "The weather's fairly unpredictable in the spring, ye ken, and it might be some time afore I can return."

"But ye will?"

"I'll do me best." It was the kindest and most honest answer she could give.

Lily sniffled again. "I want to go with ye."

Ailis sighed and hugged the little girl close. "I wish ye could, for I think ye'd like me friends, and I ken me friend Leona has a daughter near yer age. But yer faither feels ye're nae quite up to the ride."

"But ye're goin' in the carriage."

"I ken. But it's still a long way. Besides, I dinnae think ye'll have so much fun."

"Why nae?"

Ailis ruffled the child's hair and forced a smile on her face. "Because, little lass, ye dinnae like penmanship lessons, nor sewin', nor readin' lessons. And me friends and I do a lot of those things. Writin', readin', and sewin'. Besides, at this time of year, the weather's likely to be changeable as the Fae Folk's mood, which means fewer chances to play in the gardens or practice yer sword-play."

Lily frowned. "Still could be fun."

"It could, but I think ye'd be happier overall playin' with yer uncle Jack here. Mayhap when summer comes, ye might come with me to help with berry pickin' and jam makin', and when ye're older, ye might form a book club of yer own with the other children. But nae for now."

"But later? Ye promise?" Lily looked up at her with hopeful eyes.

"I hope so, lass. I do." Ailis kissed the bairn on the forehead, then put her down. "Now, have ye gone to feed Blaze and her pups this morn?"

Lily shook her head.

"Then ‘tis best ye do that. After all, if ye want to convince yer faither that ye're old enough to have a pup for a pet, ye have to prove ye can take care of them."

Lily nodded.

Ailis gave her a final kiss and a quick push. "Off with ye, and I'll see ye sometime later."

Lily managed a small smile, and a sniffle, before she wiped her eyes, turned on her heel, and ran off.

Ailis watched her go, then rose to her feet and turned toward the carriage. She was nearly there when a figure stepped into her path. She hesitated, then looked up into the blue eyes of the last person she wanted to speak to—Duncan Wallace.