Chapter Sixteen

Amara

D espite being extremely comfortable, Amara stirred in the middle of the night because her bladder was screaming to be relieved. For several moments, she refused to admit that she was awake, wanting to enjoy the feeling of being cocooned in her mates’ arms. They were warm, and she felt safe, and she tried to snuggle deeper only to realize that someone was missing. She didn’t have two mates in bed with her. Only one.

She had fallen asleep in between Knox and Zeke, both of them crowding her so much that she worried she wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. Now though, while Zeke was snoring softly next to her, and as her arm searched the other side of the bed, she found that it was noticeably empty and cold. It was as if Knox had gotten up a long time ago.

She popped open her eyes and frowned, not enjoying the fact that he randomly disappeared on her. Where could he have gone?

Making a split-second decision, she shimmied out from underneath Zeke’s arm and climbed off the bed. When she reached the middle of the room, she bent to pick up Zeke’s shirt off the floor and slid it over her body. Quietly, she tipped-toed to the bathroom, fully intending to find her missing mate after she was done.

She washed her hands, took one look at Zeke, who was still sleeping peacefully, and slipped out of the room.

The apartment was dark and quiet with only the sound of the air pushing through the vents. She passed by Drake’s room and peeked her head into Knox’s. The bed was a mess, but it was empty.

Brows furrowed in confusion, she continued down the hall.

As she stood with her hands crossed over her chest in the living room, her confusion only deepened when she found the rest of the apartment empty. She was just about to go find her phone and call him when she noticed that the curtains leading to the balcony were swaying in a subtle breeze. The breeze kicked up for a moment, moving one curtain to the side and displaying a leg on the other side. By the tattoos, she knew it was Knox.

She crossed the living room and stepped out onto the balcony. The cold night air wrapped around her, and she hugged herself tighter. Knox was sitting in one of the chairs, unfazed by the cooler weather, dressed in only gym shorts. He hadn’t noticed her yet, and she was just about to announce her arrival when he bent forward and snorted a line of powdery white substance off of the small table.

She took a step toward him. “What are you doing? ”

His face had a relaxed expression as he turned his head in her direction. Even in the night, she could see that his pupils were dilated.

He leaned back in his chair, resting his spine against the back and his arms on the armrests. “Relaxing. Want to join me?” He was calmer than usual. Too calm.

“I can sit with you,” she muttered, moving toward him and taking a seat in the chair next to him.

As soon as she was seated, he held up a packet of drugs. “Do you want a hit?”

“Uh, no. Thanks. I don’t do drugs.” She didn’t like the thought of him doing them either, but she wasn’t sure it was really her place to say anything. She knew that she would never forgive herself if she didn’t try though.

Knox grunted in response and sat the baggie on the table.

“Are you okay?” she asked him after a moment.

With his eyes trained on the dark horizon, he replied, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

She shifted uncomfortably. “From what I understand, people only do drugs when they are trying to escape something,” she began softly. “Is it . . . is it me? Did I do something wrong?”

His gaze slid back to hers. “Why would you think that? You’re my mate.”

“Because you left,” she told him honestly. “You were sleeping next to me, and then you left to get high.”

Leaning over the arm of his chair, he scooped her up as if she weighed nothing, placed her on his lap, and buried his face in her neck. “It wasn’t because of you.”

She snuggled deeper into him, no longer wanting to fight the growing bond between them. “Then what is it?”

Knox stiffened but said nothing .

“Talk to me,” she pressed. “Please? You know I won’t judge you, nor will it change how I see you. I just want to understand. That’s all.”

After a moment, he said gruffly, “It calms me when my mind or mood is racing.”

“But what causes it to race in the first place?” She knew she was prying, but he was her mate, and she wanted to know everything there was to know about him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. She also wanted to be able to help him if she could because she didn’t like the idea of him being so uneasy. It made her wolf antsy.

He shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. “My childhood. Memories. That shit.”

She sighed. “I wish you felt comfortable enough with me to open up about your past. If anyone would understand, it would be me, considering everything I’m going through with my father.”

He rubbed a hand down his face, stressed by the topic. She felt a little guilty for bringing on that stress, but she knew this was something they needed to discuss. “I was raised rogue. I did some terrible shit when I was young, and that shit was praised by my father. Instigated by him sometimes, too.”

“And you regret it?” she asked quietly. She felt as if she spoke too loud, it would frighten the topic away. She had known that he was raised rogue, and she had assumed he’d seen some shit due to the way he was now, but she didn’t know how far that went.

“Before, no. But now? Yeah, I guess I do. Most of the time, the people I preyed on didn’t deserve it, but I believed my father when he told me they did, and I did what he wanted. Now, I try to live by a code – if I can keep my temper in check. ”

She nodded in understanding. “And the drugs help you forget.”

He shook his head. “Not forget. Just lessen the pain.”

Shifting in his lap for a better angle, she wrapped her arms around his neck. “I know it doesn’t mean much, but those things you did? Those people you hurt in the past? None of that was your fault. It was your father’s. You were a kid, Knox. You were obeying your father, and he was just using you as a tool to fight his battles. You can’t keep blaming yourself for that. I don’t blame you for it, nor does it change the way I feel about you. Deep down, you’re a good guy. If only a bit persistent.”

He nipped her bottom lip. “You like my persistence.”

She rolled her eyes. “I do,” she admitted. “But I’m not sure I like the fact that you feel the need to take drugs to get by. I don’t want to lose you, Knox, now that I’ve accepted this thing between us.”

Knox scowled down at her. “What are you asking of me?”

“I don’t know,” she said softly. “I want to ask you to stop. But I also don’t want to ask you to change for me. I’m just . . . worried. I care about you, you know. A lot.”

He grunted before saying, “I care about you too, so just give it to me straight. Do you want me to stop or not?”

“If I had it my way, I’d have you stop.”

Immediately, as if it were that easy, he picked up the baggie and handed it to her.

As soon as her hands were wrapped around the plastic, she chucked it over the rail. “We can always find other ways for you to relax.”

He grinned at her. “Like sex?”

She giggled. “I have a feeling that would be a lot of sex. ”

His grin widened like a cat who just cornered a mouse. “Little bunny, are you saying you can’t handle me?”

“I’d like to think I can, but seeing as how this thing between us just got started, I’m not sure yet,” she admitted with a shrug. She rested her head against his shoulder, snuggling into his warmth. “Do you really think you can stop, Knox?”

His shrug pressed against her cheek. “I’d do anything you asked me to do. I’d kill for you. And if you’d let me, I’d start with your father.”

“You already killed for me though,” she pointed out with a poke to his pec. She sighed. “Sometimes I wish it were that easy. If he weren’t around, then we could be together without fear of him finding out.”

“I could make it quick, you know.” His words were a deep rumble. “Painless.”

She lifted her head to look at him. “Why do you want to kill him so bad, knowing the kind of trouble it would cause you?”

She couldn’t believe she was actually having this conversation. Sure, she had nearly killed her father herself once, but she hadn’t been able to go through with it. She had thought that would be the end of it, but now Knox was offering to do the same thing, and she was surprised that she was actually considering it. Or at least, part of her was.

“Because I know you’ll never have peace with him alive. And the way the asshole treats you . . . has it ever gotten physical?”

She flinched and looked away from him. To be honest, she wasn’t sure what she should tell him. She hadn’t told any of the guys the extent of her father’s abuse because she was ashamed and embarrassed. That, and she didn’t know how Knox would react to learning the truth, especially in his current state.

“There are ways for me to get away from him without you having to kill him,” she said, completely dodging the question. “I’m just worried about him finding out where I went and then coming after you guys.”

“Don’t worry about us,” he quickly said. “You mean taking you and moving away?”

“Not moving away, I wouldn’t ask you or Zeke to do that. You guys have a life here. But . . . I’ve been considering leaving the pack and becoming rogue for you guys.”

His eyes lit up. “You’d leave the pack for us?”

She nodded. “I would have already if I wasn’t so paranoid about him.”

“Technically, he can’t touch you if you decide to leave. If he does, he would be the one sparking a war.”

“My father plays by his own rules, Knox.” She sighed heavily and pushed her hair away from her face. “I’ve never told anyone this, so please don’t repeat it, but sometimes, when he gets bored, he sends his enforcers out to cause trouble with rogue shifters just so he’ll have something to do. He instigates things just so he can kill them and say it was warranted.”

A growl rumbled in his chest. “Then I suppose he’s lucky he hasn’t found us yet.”

“It’s not the whole pack, though,” she quickly added. “There are a few who enjoy the trouble he causes, but the majority of them are good people and are stuck because he’s the alpha. If a war ignites between us and them, then some of those innocent people are going to die, and that is something I won’t be able to live with.”

She could see his mind working while his eyes looked over her shoulder. “We’ll figure something out.”

She pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I have no doubt,” she replied. “Come on, let’s go back to bed and get some sleep. It’s late.”

Without argument, he lifted her up, carried her back inside, and laid her down in the bed. He scooted in next to her and pulled her close. He said nothing else before he drifted back to sleep, but she couldn’t help but wonder what exactly he was thinking.