Chapter Twenty-Four

Lillian started slightly, blinking at him.

“Tell me,” he rasped, clenching his fists against what he needed to hear—that she had loved another, that she could never truly care for a bastard like Kirk.

“He was…kind,” she said softly. “And gentle.”

Despite the fact that he’d been expecting it—asking for it—the slash of pain that lanced through him at her words stole his breath for a moment. Aye, this was how it had to be. “So he was naught like me.”

“Aye.”

He tried to look away, but her soft, doe-like eyes held him, and he saw a slow fire build behind them.

“Aye, he was naught like you,” she went on. “He was…he was more a brother to me than a husband.”

Unbidden, his mind shot back to earlier that morning, when they’d shared a passion unlike any he’d ever known. She wasn’t innocent, and yet she’d admitted to never having experienced a release until then.

“We married when I was young—seventeen,” she murmured. “We moved from York to Berwick just a sennight after we spoke our vows. Richard had been selected by the King of England himself to head the continued construction of Berwick’s town wall. It was a great honor.”

As she spoke, her gaze dropped to her lap, where her fingers twined in the wool of the cloak. Honor or nay, it was obvious from the way her voice turned sad that the transition had been hard for her.

She shrugged a little to herself. “I knew when I married him that as the wife of a Master Mason, I would be expected to leave behind my home, my family, and follow him wherever his assignments took him. We were actually quite lucky. The wall construction had already been underway for nigh on twenty years before Richard was given his role as Master Mason, and it promised to continue just as long. We wouldn’t have had to move every few years, as other masons do. We could have lived there a long time, if…”

Her gaze darted up to him, her eyes wide at the words that remained unspoken: if Richard hadn’t been tortured and killed .

Letting out a breath, she shifted her gaze to the fire. “With Richard working long hours on the wall, I was lonely in those early years of marriage. I missed my family, and life was challenging in a disputed Border town. But I found my own way, settled into a comfortable, quiet life. That continued after Richard’s death, and even into my time living in the Highlands—until you arrived. ”

“That is what ye wanted—a quiet life with Richard,” Kirk ground out.

“He was good to me, but in truth I think he was not made for marriage. He was a gentle soul, meant more for heaven than earth. I believe that is where he rests now.”

“And ye are here. With me,” Kirk said, the dark, destructive voice in his head urging him to ruin the delicate web of emotion and desire hanging between them.

“Mayhap this was where I was meant to be.” The words were spoken so soft and low that Kirk almost missed them. His gaze tangled with hers.

“Mayhap we were meant to find each other somehow,” she went on. “For even under these mad circumstances, I cannot help feeling…that fate threw us together for a reason. You stir something in me I’ve never felt before.”

Even as his heart lurched, his stomach twisted into a tight knot.

This was a mistake. He’d thought that asking her about Richard would help him turn cold inside once more, stop caring so much. But in learning more of her past, and hearing the softly-spoken intimation that she bore deeper feelings for him, he only longed for her more.

“Nay, lass,” he rasped. “Ye were meant for far better than the likes of this—better than the likes of me .”

“Then why do I feel as though I’m coming alive for the first time?” she asked, her eyes shining with desperate emotion. “Why do I feel as though I was sleepwalking through life until you appeared and ignited my world? And why does my heart reach out toward yours knowing that goodness lies buried somewhere in it?”

Kirk’s lungs compressed even as his blackened heart hammered against his rib cage, as if it longed to break free and flee.

She wanted him just as badly as he wanted her—all of her, heart, mind, body, and soul. God, nay! Though it was the greatest gift he could possibly imagine, a part of him rebelled. Wanting her, needing her, could only lead to disaster and death.

He was too close. Too close to loving her. Too close to never being able to let her go.

So he recoiled, dropping the stone wall around his heart.

“Why are ye saying all this?” he demanded coldly. “Is this some sort of scheme? Mayhap ye thought to seduce me, then convince me that ye cared in order for me to let ye go.”

Lillian gasped, her mouth falling open. “I did not seduce you.”

“Nay? What do ye call this morning, then? I awoke to ye holding my hand to yer breast and writhing against me.”

“I would never…” Her face pinkened with embarrassment and outrage. “I would never use my body to ma nipulate a man.”

Kirk swallowed the bitter shame rising to the back of his mouth. He had to keep going. This was the only way to deaden the heat, the longing, between them.

“And when ye were washing in the loch? Ye expect me to believe that ye werenae trying to display yerself, to make me forget my mission?”

“I-I did nothing of the sort. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with some sort of…seduction, as you call it.”

He snorted harshly. “Ye are beautiful and ye ken it.”

She blinked rounded eyes at him, utter disbelief written clearly on her delicate features. “Nay. I am plain.”

“Nay, lass, ye arenae,” he ground out. “And whoever let ye believe that ye are is a complete fool. Ye could tempt a man toward madness.”

She already had. He shoved the thought away, clinging desperately to his last hope—the need to push her away.

“And besides, even if ye dinnae see yerself as a practiced seductress, ye were a married woman. Ye ken a man’s body, his needs. Ye ken how to make a man wild with wanting.”

He saw the slap coming and didn’t stop it. He deserved it.

Her palm cracked across his cheek, sharp and quick. She pulled back, her eyes wide .

“Don’t ever speak to me that way again.” She drew in a deep breath. “I don’t know why you are trying to sully what lies between us, but whatever your motives, you have no right to dishonor me.”

Kirk ground his teeth together. She was right, of course, but he couldn’t stop pushing. He felt like a wild animal backed into a corner with no escape—other than to attack.

“Even if ye didnae seek to use my lust against me,” he said, “what of the rest of it? Why are ye trying so hard to convince me that I am good? What do ye gain from it?”

She opened her mouth, but then hesitated, her eyes dropping from his.

That was it. An opening. He forged ahead. “Ye thought to flatter me, dinnae ye? To persuade me that I have a heart of gold buried somewhere in the ashes of my soul. And ye thought that doing so would give ye an opportunity to escape. I’d lower my guard mayhap, or even let ye go outright.”

She lifted her chin, her dark gaze burning into him once more. “Aye, I want to escape,” she shot back. “You are delivering me to the very men who killed my husband. But that doesn’t mean I am wrong about the goodness I see in you.”

“I told ye before,” he bit out, “there is no escaping from this. It doesnae matter what ye think is in my heart. It doesnae matter what I tell ye of my past, or my regrets. All that matters is what I do. And I will see this done. There is no other way.”

She recoiled from him, her brow furrowed. “Why are you being like this? Why are you pushing me away?” Then her forehead smoothed as realization lit her eyes. “You care for me—more than you will admit—and you are afraid. Afraid to let yourself feel again. Afraid that there truly is no way out of this.”

He straightened suddenly, coming to his feet and looming over her. “I think we have had enough rest. We will ride out in an hour.”

Ignoring her sharp inhale, he turned his back on her and strode to the tethered roan. As he saddled the horse, his hands shook.

Aye, it had been necessary. Even if he managed to get them both out of this alive, he could never be with her, not in the way he longed for.

A life. A home. No more wars or killing or lies. Just Lillian’s hand in his as they forged toward a better future together.

That dream was not to be reality, though—not for the likes of Kirk. Even if he found a way to save her life, he was too far gone. If he somehow managed to escape the Order with life and limb intact, what would he have to offer her? Life with a worn-out, broken warrior? Or worse, with a man who’d forfeited his honor, his very soul, to see these missions completed once and for all?

There was still time to try to find a way out of this mess—for Lillian, if not for himself. A sennight, that was all.

Yet the harder he forced his thoughts to unlock the answer, the deeper his greatest fear took root—that no answer existed.

And time was running out.