INDIGO O’MALLEY

My first memory as a child wasn’t playing a game or going somewhere fun. I was three years old, sitting in the back seat of my mom’s rundown sedan. She held my brand-new baby brother. I’d been so excited about her having the baby. I thought I’d finally have a friend, but babies don’t do anything except cry. My mom rocked him while sobbing.

I recall how the car smelled like dirty people, even though Mom washed me in the gas station bathroom earlier that day.

“Life doesn’t get easier,” Lorrie told me as she cried.

My mom looked at me with the eyes of a woman already dead in so many ways. I didn’t understand what I was seeing back then. I just knew she was sick all the time. Now, I realize she was on borrowed time.

“I thought life would get easier when I grew up,” she told me between sobs. “Once I was big, I’d outrun my problems, and the bad people couldn’t catch me. The pain would just peel away. I’d be free, but life didn’t get any easier. It’s worse now. I’ve got you and Bubby. I brought you into an ugly world. I ought to make us go to sleep. I can make the pain go away, baby, except I’m scared the next world is worse than this one. Tell me what to do.”

I looked at my beautiful mom with her eyes as dark as Hershey's Kisses. She was my favorite person. I loved her so much. When she smiled, the world didn’t feel so tight and cold. I could breathe easier and stretch out. I liked feeling that way, but my mom rarely smiled.

“We’ll be happy soon, Mama,” I told her because I was three years old and didn’t know any better.

My instincts are usually wrong. All the good stuff in my life has come about because other people made the choices. No matter how much I plan, situations don’t work out like I want.

That’s what happened with Siobhan tonight.

For years, I’ve imagined dozens of ways to show her how I felt. If she could see herself through my eyes, Siobhan might understand my worth. How I would never cheat like Sync. How I could love her girls like they were mine .

My qualities aren’t noticeable. Maybe I hide or people don’t look close enough. Most people can’t see me clearly, even when I’m right in front of them.

But I knew if I planned things just right with Siobhan, she would see what I could offer her. Once she opened her heart to me, she’d always want my love wrapped around her.

Now I know I’ve lied to myself just like I did to my mom that night in the back seat.

I make sure Siobhan gets home to her pretty white-brick ranch located in the same neighborhood as my club brothers’ bigger houses. Once she’s safe, I don’t know where to go. I’m too ashamed to return to the farm and see her parents.

Instead of going home, I ride my motorcycle up north, past the expensive part of Banta City and into the hills. This is the land my first family called home. None of us live here now. My brother got a new family once our mom died. He grew up to be a man with no use for his big brother. I wish I could hate Bubby for that fact, but he’ll always be the little boy I love.

Highway 91 turns into Grain Mill Road once outside Banta City’s city limits. I park my motorcycle on the quiet street, just after three-thirty in the morning. I’m a half mile from the clubhouse belonging to the Hills Chapter of the Backcountry Kings. Sitting my ass on the curb, I rest my elbows on my knees and stare at the spot where my mom’s body landed after the bus hit her.

Lorrie was a beautiful woman, but no man ever loved her. She was too much trouble.

“Whatever you touch turns to shit,” is what a boyfriend said years before she died.

Feeling bad over my mom’s short miserable life, I distract myself by thinking about how I screwed things up with Siobhan.

I can still smell her light citrusy scent on me. Holding my head in my hands, I replay tonight. For years, I’ve been searching for the right way to make Siobhan see me. My foster brother Tack told me months ago to simply ask her out. He was certain she would give me a shot if she knew I wanted her. Tack claimed Siobhan was lonely.

Tonight, she didn’t seem unhappy. I saw her talking to everyone in the friendly way she acts with people. Men flirted with her. I hated that part, but she only played along to get tips. Siobhan likes having money for her girls to use for fun stuff. She’s a great mom. When she was pregnant with the twins, I’d often imagine I was the one at her side instead of Sync.

I thought they’d be together forever. When he ruined things between them, I started hoping she could love me like she did him.

But a man like me doesn’t win a woman like Siobhan. Yet, I couldn’t let a loser take the spot I wanted. I spent years chasing men away until Siobhan gave up on dating.

Looking up from my hands, I study the asphalt where my mom died. Was Lorrie scared to die? Or was she relieved to escape this world?

As a motorcycle races past me toward the clubhouse, I rest my arms across my knees and use my arms as a pillow. I wish I could stay here all night. It’s the only way I can feel close to Lorrie anymore.

Normally, when I feel this low, I’ll go to the farm and talk to Aunt Fred. She has all my mom’s good qualities and none of the bad ones. I love Aunt Fred, and I believe she loves me. But I know she loves Siobhan more, and I’m now the bad guy.

Siobhan looked so beautiful tonight dancing around to one of her favorite songs. Her chocolate brown hair shined under the bar’s lights. She kept smiling. I think she was thinking about her girls. Siobhan’s never happier than when her babies are around.

Or she might have been thinking about her best friends. Natasha and Hunter are both expecting baby girls. Her niece Ripley was born six months ago. Siobhan’s been talking a lot about wanting a baby, too. Maybe that’s why I took so long to ask her out. Does Siobhan even want a man or is she just looking to make a baby?

I shouldn’t have kissed her. That was a mistake. I had good, smart words ready to make her see me. I planned to ask Siobhan out for dinner and a movie. I figured she’d think I was fucking around as friends, but I’d make sure she understood it was a date. Or maybe she’d figure it out when I showed up at her house with flowers.

Standing so close to Siobhan got me scattered in the head. I smelled her shampoo and lost track of my plan. She smiled at me. Not a quick smile like for the men at the bar. She gave me a real smile. I could see the gap between her front teeth. Siobhan’s smile might be my favorite thing in the entire world.

When her soft fingers slid across my jaw, I was crushed under the full weight of so many years of dreams and desire .

Once I kissed her, I knew I’d messed up. I should have stopped then. Except Siobhan kissed me back, and she tasted like magic. I couldn’t stop the momentum of our lust.

We were suddenly in the back room, where my club brothers often party with random women. I couldn’t find the words to slow down what was happening. I needed Siobhan to understand how she was special. Rather than horny, I was a man in love.

Instead, I fucked her. I never get hard like I did earlier. I haven’t had sex in a dozen years. I’ve never found fucking all that enjoyable.

With Siobhan, my body came alive. But fucking like that was all wrong. I knew I ruined things as soon as my dick was spent and my brain started working again.

Siobhan still doesn’t see me. I’m nothing more than a horny pig like the other losers who hit her up for dates.

I waited for so long because I wanted everything to be perfect. But I also waited because I knew it wouldn’t be perfect. Then, my dream would be dead, and I’d be alone forever.

“Bad night, boyo?” Caveman asks.

I glance at the Hills Chapter’s president strolling down the road toward me. His brown-and-gray pompadour looks messy like a woman’s been running her fingers through it. He wears a short-sleeved buttoned-up shirt with most of the buttons undone. I sense he was in the middle of enjoying a club slut when someone ratted me out.

Caveman was one of the few people to treat my mom with care. When she died and my brother got a real family, I ended up staying at his house. I never complained about what happened. I kept my pain inside, where it could rot just like my mom taught me.

Though Caveman tried to watch out for me, I was on my way to an early grave. That’s why he convinced the state to send me to the farm run by Aunt Fred and Elvis. Usually, the boys who ended up there were rough. No one else wanted them, but they hadn’t broken enough laws to stay in juvenile hall. I wasn’t like that. I rarely started trouble. I didn’t belong at the farm.

But Caveman is Aunt Fred’s brother, and he made sure I got where he thought I needed to go. Now, he sits his ass on the curb next to me.

Noble takes the spot on my other side. Elvis’s youngest brother and my club VP has been drinking. I smell Negroni on his breath and suspect he was planning to crash locally after the booze stole his balance.

Noble lets himself get drunk once a week. On those nights, he remembers his pretty dead girlfriend. I used to believe we were the same. He still loved the girl he lost twenty years ago. I was always going to love Siobhan. We were both bound to die lonely.

Xana died, though. Siobhan is still alive and probably hates me right now. I’m not sure if I have it better or worse. I only know I feel bad enough without thinking of Noble’s ruined night.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble, staring at the spot where my mom died.

After running his hands through his salt-and-pepper hair, Noble wipes his sleepy brown eyes and asks, “What did you do to feel sorry over?”

“I messed up, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s fine,” Caveman says and pats my back. “We aren’t your therapists. Not sure telling us would help much. But whatever is bothering you can’t be as bad as you think.”

“No.”

“You already had the worst thing happen to you,” he says and stretches out his long legs. I feel him looking at where my mom died. “Life already shoved the coldest blade in deep and twisted it hard. You survived. You’re stronger now. Don’t get tangled up in bad thinking out of habit.”

“I can’t go back to the farm,” I mutter as I see Aunt Fred turning her back on me. “I messed up, and I can’t go back.”

I feel the men glancing at each other and sharing a silent conversation. All my life people have been talking about me in hushed tones. That’s what happens with pity cases.

“This thing you messed up,” Noble asks, and I feel him trying to sober up, “is it illegal? Did you cross a line we should know about?”

“Not illegal, but I crossed a line.”

“Just spit it out, lad,” Caveman insists. “No one here plans to kick your ass. Just fess up and we can move on.”

“No.”

The men lean back and whisper behind me. I hear Caveman saying I ought to stay in the hills until I get my head screwed on right again. Noble claims I need quiet, and Caveman’s world suffers from volume issues.

“Asshole,” Caveman grumbles. “There’s nothing wrong with a little noise. ”

Choosing to ignore Caveman’s temper, Noble suggests to me, “How about you stay with Tack or Bear?”

My club brothers won the women they loved. Bear married mafia princess Natasha Kovak. They live in his big house and are having a baby soon. Tack was hung up on a redheaded socialite for years. He and Hunter finally made things work. They moved into a mansion fit for a Tim Burton movie and are also expecting a little girl.

I consider how Siobhan’s best friends will view me once they know what happened. Why would they want me in their homes?

“No.”

“You can’t say ‘no’ to everything,” Caveman mutters and tugs at my hair. “You’re trying my patience.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, at least, you’re not saying ‘no.’ So, how about you stay at my house until this thing gets settled?”

“It’s never going to be okay for me to go back to the farm.”

“So, you’ll stay gone for good?” Noble asks, sounding both amused and annoyed. “What about your dogs?”

A few years back, I adopted a yellow-and-brown German shepherd-labrador puppy. I named him Grumpy after the dwarf from Snow White. Tack took in another puppy from the litter and named him Sleepy. The two dogs grew up together. They can’t live apart, so Tack left Sleepy with me at the farm. We have a visitation schedule for when the dogs stay with Tack.

“Maybe the dogs should live with Tack instead of me.”

The men’s demeanors change. I don’t dare look at them. Soon, they’ll know what I did with Siobhan. Hell, everyone will probably know by tomorrow. Siobhan is a great woman, but she’s incapable of suffering in silence. Her big mouth will seal my fate.

“Here’s what happens next,” Noble says after fighting a painful yawn. “You’ll go home with Caveman tonight. I’ll see about getting your dogs transported up here. In a few days, when you’re feeling better, Aunt Fred and Elvis will come over and work out this situation.”

“No.”

“I’m not asking, Indigo,” Noble says. “You’re either going to obey, or I’ll make you obey.”

“Think you can take him?” Caveman asks, always stirring up trouble.

“Indigo won’t fight me. He’s always been a good kid. ”

Frowning at Noble, I mutter, “I’m not a kid.”

“When you’re as old and drunk as I am, everyone’s a kid,” Noble says, using my shoulder to steady himself as he stands. “Now, stop digging a hole for yourself and find a couch at Caveman’s house to crash on.”

Despite their clear orders, I don’t move. I still feel Siobhan on my body. I can’t go somewhere to sleep and pretend I didn’t ruin my best shot to be happy. Staying here on the road feels like the right choice. I want to wallow in my misery. Even if I was seeking freedom from the pain, I don’t deserve to find it.

However, I’ve spent decades following the orders of large, tatted men. They were the ones to help Lorrie when no one else would. They also yanked me out of the darkness after my mom died and my brother went away.

Eventually, I became a large, tatted man. That’s why I obey them and walk my motorcycle to the clubhouse. Noble tells me how he’ll convince Aunt Fred to leave me alone for a day or two, but she’s bound to seek me out.

“You can’t hide from family,” Noble says. “Even when you fuck up.”

I wish I could explain what happened. Yet, if I say the words, the truth becomes set in stone. I still want to pretend I can get a do-over. This time, I’ll say the right words and keep my hands to myself.

Instead of fessing up, I follow Caveman to his three-story house on a slip of land near a highway. Like his older sister, he’s taken in kids over their years. That’s how it works in the hills. People get down on their luck or die and their kids are handed off to whoever can afford them.

Caveman doesn’t have a wife, but he’s taken in plenty of kids. He’s a good dad and chapter president. I might have been happy here, but Caveman sent me to stay with Aunt Fred.

Finding me staring at a picture on the wall of his “romper room,” he says, “My sister won’t be able to stay away. You own a real special part of her heart.”

His words offer me a small comfort, even though I’m not looking at Aunt Fred in the family photo. I only see Siobhan, smiling for the camera as she holds her toddler twins on each hip. Sync is with her. Though they seemed happy, he was already restless.

I can’t imagine getting bored with Siobhan in my bed every night and at my side all day. She’s fun to be around. When I feel down, she’ll sit with me and make the world better. She doesn’t even need to try. Siobhan’s got magic flowing through her veins.

Tonight, I got a taste of what I’ve wanted for so long. As I crash on a couch and Caveman leaves me to sleep, I try to remember only the good stuff with Siobhan. I zero in on the way her fingers felt against my face and the flavor of her lips. Siobhan was so beautiful as she orgasmed while moaning my name.

For a short time, she saw only me, and I got to be someone better.