Chapter 29

His shadow.

He gave up his fucking shadow—and hadn't even told me. Vesper and Callow had explained the implications of someone taking a shadow, that it had to be willingly taken off a person, that it could be used to control or even kill them if needed. And someone who called themselves the Demon Dealer—according to Luther's story—had Nicolai's shadow.

The idea terrified me so much, I couldn't sit there any longer. I was sick over the situation—angry he hadn't told me when we discussed the details on how he established a portal to break into Hightower. He had the chance, and he avoided the truth. What else had happened over these six weeks that he was keeping from me?

"I wish you were here to tell me I'm overreacting."

I spoke to the tombstone glazed in ice, where I sat cross-legged in front of the marker, twirling a dead rose from the garden between my fingers. The frost tipping the blades of grass melted, seeping into the thick material of my pants.

True to her word, Esme had faceted a metal plate over my name, replacing it with Sera's. At my request, she'd also scribed the name of her father as well, though his body had dissipated in the breeze. At least he'd be remembered whenever someone read the face of his daughter's grave.

I'd killed Marco Gallo with my own hands. A single touch. Somehow that was supposed to spark hope in a world that didn't need my help destroying good and perfect things.

"I'd know exactly what you'd say, though." A smile teased my lips. "You'd tell me I need to be patient. That Nico's intentions are pure, if not a little misguided sometimes. You'd tell me not to worry about Aramis, that he only wanted what was best for me, and I'd actually believe you because you were always right in the end. Even about that stupid dress."

It was like she was still here, still in my head and whispering the words I needed to hear with her remnant. My smile fell. "I'm sorry for everything."

"Are you talking to yourself?"

I turned to find my youngest brother standing near the gate to the family graveyard, wrapped in a thick coat with his hood pulled low over his head. His boots crunched in the frozen grass as he came to sit beside me, settling with a grunt of discomfort.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked him.

"Trying to figure out what the hells you're doing out here."

I scoffed. "Just talking to myself, I suppose."

He didn't reply right away, allowing the quiet to build between us. I couldn't recall the last time we'd had a conversation. We'd always relied on the family glue, Giles, to be our human buffer.

He gestured toward the dead flower between my fingers. "It's not easy losing a best friend. Even after Jasper died, I kept turning to the right to tell him something. It took weeks for my body to realize he wasn't there anymore. Sometimes I still look for him when the silence stretches too long."

I reached my free hand to link my arm around his, leaning into his warmth. "You were always together. I think this might be the first time we've spoken alone."

"Yeah, probably." He forced a chuckle. "It's awful, knowing I'll never have him around. Having a twin is like... sharing a soul. I feel like I'm only walking around with half of myself, and I'm just left to be incomplete the rest of my life."

The hurt in his voice cleaved me in half, a timbre that bruised my heart. "I miss him. I wish we'd spent more time together before."

"I think we're all a little to blame for taking each other for granted, and I'm sorry for that."

"Me too."

He shifted in his seat. "And I'm sorry I didn't join Aramis today. I don't... I don't like fighting. I'm not that kind of person, and I never was. Father despised that about me."

It made me feel sorry for him, knowing he believed that. "I don't expect you to fight battles that aren't yours, Jer. I don't even know why Aramis was there today."

He rolled his eyes, as if he'd tried to figure out the same. "When he heard Nico took you to the docks, he freaked out. He's worried about you, Camilla. Your power is..." His lips thinned.

"Terrible. I know."

"That's not what I was going to say," he said, to my surprise.

"You don't think so?"

He shook his head. "You're my sister. Nothing about you is terrible."

I twirled the thorny, dried-up stem between my fingers in thought. "But this power has become my whole identity—and I can't even control it. How can something so unpredictable be trusted?"

Several seconds passed. A strong breeze roused the frozen branches of the looming trees behind the graveyard, causing the ice dripping from their limbs to clink in the wind. He said, "I don't really have any experience with magic or power, but don't descendants control their remnant, not the other way around? Maybe you just need to trust yourself."

I looked at him then, really looked at him for the first time in what might have been years. For so long, after our father's death, we'd competed against one another as if he were still alive. Still seeking his approval beyond the grave. We had lost so much, with Giles and Jasper, our friends that had replaced the family we never had. Now it was just us, and having the world meant very little when the ones we fought to share it with were no longer here.

"Milla?"

Nico's voice called me from the gate. His hand rested on the wrought iron post, wearing an unsure look on his face. His cheeks were pink from the cold, like he'd ridden here quickly without cover from the elements. "Can we talk?"

Jeremiah stood first, helping me up after. My legs had nearly gone numb from sitting in the position for so long. The back of my pants were wet and cold and stuck to my skin uncomfortably. Eager to shed the morning and the rest of my soiled clothes, I followed Nico up to the main house, but not before whispering my gratitude to a brother I wrongly once believed cared far less than he did.

As soon as we entered the house, a decadent smell invited us to the kitchens. Nonna was baking cinnamon buns, and my stomach growled at the memory of the sticky sweetness glazing the spiced rolls. I stopped Nico before he could ascend the side stairwell leading to our floor.

"I might be more inclined to tolerate you with a stomach full of Nonna's buns."

He did his best not to grin. "Your stomach will curse you later. Do you know what she puts in those?"

"Two rolls won't hurt. Not as much as a bullet to the leg, and I've already done that today. Please?"

He rolled his eyes, a smile breaking his lips. "Go change into something dry. I'll bring them up. Nonna will have a fuss if you walk in there looking like you pissed yourself."

I returned his smirk, even if I was still cross with him. "You spoil me, Attano."

"You're already spoiled, princess."

He waitedto speak until I finished. My stomach stretched from the overindulgence, vowing to pay me back later from the brief experience of cinnamon buns. The bread practically melted in my mouth, complimenting the hot coffee Nico brought with them.

"Nonna can bully me as much as she wants as long as she keeps making those." I put my plate on the coffee table and rested on a pillow, curling my knees into my chest to brace the cramps already triggering from the eggs in the batter I was unfortunately still allergic to.

Nico arched a brow at me. "You sure you feel alright?"

"Never better." I licked the cinnamon glaze off my fingers, one by one, just to prove a point. A lie—but a point.

He watched me hungrily, looking at me like I had looked at the pastry. "Do you mind if I speak, then? If you're quite done."

I waved a sticky hand in invitation. "Grovel away, Attano."

He sighed, shaking his head. "I wanted to apologize for not telling you about the shadow business. Honestly, with everything going on, it has fallen down my list of priorities. But I do have a plan to finish our bargain."

"Using the train, I assume?"

He nodded. "We'll send it down empty. I have a contact through your family that's going to ship a load of sand to me across the river for some industrial purposes. Completely legitimate. The Watch shouldn't give it a second look. Whatever the stock this buyer needs me to ship, I'll bury it in the cars."

It was a good plan, but not without risk. The Watch could investigate if they wanted to, which meant we'd have to be very careful not to draw their attention. "It might work. Hopefully, Marcus will agree to it."

"He already has."

I took a steadying breath, feeling better about his prospects. The Watch trusted Marcus. He'd been our engineer countless times, frequently filling roles wherever we needed him. If he operated the controls, they'd let him through the south side of the city.

"Don't ever do something like that again," I said. All the icy fear thawed away from the sweet rolls had returned. Nico's life was under constant threat without his shadow, and I couldn't live with the idea.

His lips flattened. "Respectfully, Milla, I'll do whatever I must to keep you safe. He could've asked me to hand him my entire fortune, and I would have given him the Row on top of it to get you back."

His admission left me breathless. "Why, Nico?"

He stood from his lounge in the chair and crossed the small space between us. I sat straighter as he knelt before me, my hands dropping the pillow as he reached for them, pressing one over the space above his heart, where I knew beneath the black fabric of his shirt was a symbol of three interwoven circles.

"For three days—three entire days out of my life—I believed you were dead. I watched you get shot, watched the light leave your golden eyes, carried your stiff body five miles back to the train station in utter shock that you were gone. It broke me in a way I don't think I'll ever fully recover from. Those images haunt me to this day, like a bad dream I can't shake.

"So, when I learned you were alive, I vowed to do everything and anything to get you back. Because I don't want to live another day without you, Milla. I buried you once. I wouldn't survive doing it again."

That tombstone with my name had once been his reality. For three days. I couldn't imagine how gutted I'd be if the roles were reversed. Three days might as well have been an eternity. "You're stronger than you think, Nicolai."

"But you are my greatest weakness."

I didn't want to talk about death or dying or losing the other. Those threats always surrounded us like a dark fog. But he was here, and so was I, and we were whole and alive and wasting seconds wondering what if when we could take advantage of the time we still had.

I claimed his mouth with a fierce pressure, desperately needing to replace that haunted look in his eyes with their previous hunger. He made the shift seamlessly, slipping adept hands down the length of my arms to embrace me against his hard chest, guiding my legs to wrap around his waist.

"Do you have anything planned today?" I asked between kisses.

He groaned, digging his fingers down the curve of my ass to grip my legs. I arched my back, rubbing my center against him as he broke our kiss, assumingly assessing how to remove whatever fabric was between us. "My schedule is suddenly wide, wide open."

My head tipped back in offering as his mouth moved to my neck, placing sweet, gentle kisses along the column of my throat. "Then what is that envelope on the table?"

"Nothing."

"Nico."

He growled in frustration. "Fine. It's a summons to meet with one of Sabina's assistants this morning. But it can wait—"

"Nico." I laughed and gently pushed him away. "You can't ignore that."

His fingers squeezed my thighs. "Watch me." But I kept my hand braced against his chest, which displeased him greatly. "Milla."

"Nico. Let me get dressed and I'll ride with you down there."

The grip was nearly bruising now. "How much longer must I wait to have you?"

I thought about it. We'd been together for an entire week now and yet still hadn't been able to reconnect in such a way. There was no excuse now except for time. Esme got me the contraceptives I needed, and I wanted him just as much, though my desire wasn't as rock solid between us as his was currently.

"How long is the ride to your office?"

He shrugged, running his tongue between his teeth. "Fifteen minutes."

A wicked smile spread across my cheeks. "That's plenty of time to show me your new upgrades."

Grey eyes widened.

"I'll get the carriage ready." Nico stood so quickly I nearly fell over at the loss of him. He lingered in the doorway, a feral look in his eyes. "Be quick about it. That meeting is very important."