Chapter 13

Thirteen

What I like, what I enjoy.

The words circle around my head as I leave the kitchen for the day. After my encounter with Heart, I don't feel the same energy or passion to be there. I worried what the others would say, but they waved me away with knowing looks. It seems everyone here knows their place, where they belong, and what they enjoy. I'm just a spare part. Even at the circus, I feel like an outcast.

Maybe that's why I wander through its beauty, taking everything in once more. I want to belong to this place. I made an oath, but what happens if I'm useless to them? Will they leave me behind? I know my old worries are rearing their ugly heads, but it sticks, and I know I need to find a purpose.

I need to find a passion, a place, and if it brings me joy like Heart said, then all the better. It has been a very long time since anything did, though, so I don't know if I would even recognize the feeling now.

The bright colors of the circus blend into one as I struggle through the tents on my crutches. Everyone is busy preparing for the show tonight or resting, and no one pays me any attention, as if I am invisible. They have all accepted that I am here, but none have dared to get close to me. It makes me curious just how many of us arrive randomly since they are so accustomed to it.

It also makes me curious about their stories, even Diamond, Heart, Club and Spade—not that they will tell me. Despite them swearing me in or saving me, they have left me to my own devices except for checking on me quietly every now and then. Sometimes they appear when my nightmares are particularly bad, as if they call to them, which is an even scarier thought.

I'm lost in my worries when I stumble over a leftover popcorn tub. Righting myself, I lean over and pick it up, hobbling over to a bin so none of the animals that roam the grounds during the day eat it. That's another thing that shocked me. They truly meant it. There are no cages here.

As I turn from the trash can, my eyes land on a familiar tent. I haven't seen her since my first days here, and something inside me whispers for me to go in. It's that dark voice that often whispered for me to pick up the knife and end Roger at the dinner table. It isn't one I should listen to, but I find myself moving closer, as if I'm drawn by forces beyond my control. Before I even realize it, I've pushed through the flap, and I see her sitting there, waiting. A deck of cards lies on the table before her, and her eyes are on mine like she was expecting me.

She smiles. "I've been waiting for you, Queen."