Chapter 28

Twenty-Eight

Q ueenie

Cillian left the room, and immediately I felt burdened with chills and the return of fear. Folding my legs into my chest as I scooted to the edge of the bed, I wondered why he had left my sight so soon after such an intense ordeal. Sure, I had expressed my desire to do so, but I hadn't known how much I would need him shortly afterward.

"You need fluids. Drink this." He leaned over me with a cup of room temperature water and I drank as much as I could before being overcome with another slight chill.

"You're shivering. Are you cold?

"A little bit, yeah," I replied, not being able to control the tears that fell from my eyes.

"It's okay, shhh…it's okay," he said, taking me into his arms and off the bed. "Let's go warm you up by the fireplace." Cillian carried me over to an oversized cot, rocking me back and forth like a baby. "It's okay. Let it all out, Queenie." His soothing hand rubbed along my arms and back, distracting me from my confusing feelings.

"Tell Cillian what you need to make you feel whole again, baby."

"Just hold me. Don't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere. Were you scared when I left you to go get the water?" I nodded, hoping I didn't look as fragile as I felt.

"I'm sorry, darlin'. I knew you would need fluids but I should have told you what I was doing. I won't leave without your permission anymore tonight, okay?"

"Okay."

"I fucking love you. You are my whole world. If you, as my whole world feels a mess, I need to bloody fix that," he added, alternating between rocking and kisses to my cheek and forehead.

"You're so pretty, you know that?" He hummed lightly, leaning in to rub his nose against mine. " And you did so good for me. I don't like to push you before I think you're ready, but you were capable of so much more than I thought you'd be. How does this beautiful body feel?" He lifted my chin to meet his gaze.

"Overwhelmed."

"I think that's normal. You trusted me with a lot tonight. More than I deserve, I reckon. But now that you're here, up here," he said with a tap to my forehead. "I want you to know how much I love you. How much you mean to me. And there ain't a thing I wouldn't do for you. Am I being good for you?" He asked, an assessment of his gentle touch.

"Mmmhmm."

"I packed you some snacks. Thought it might help you with the low that comes with it." I perked up.

"Like what?"

"Well, there was already some hot chocolate in the cupboard. But I packed your favorite chocolate chip biscuits and milk. And I remembered to bring your favorite sweets, like that fun dip that's basically just sugar in a pouch. I don't see how you stomach that. What would you like to start with?"

"I still don't understand why you call them biscuits over there, but I'll do the chocolate chip biscuits," I teased. I tried to sit up but he offered to get them for me, assuring me "Don't get up. I'll get them."

I figured I could survive just a few minutes without him if cookies were involved. Cillian slipped into some shorts and rummaged in the modest kitchen, placing cups and plates on a small tray before returning with said tray. He laid it on the coffee table nearby leaning into kiss me for what felt the tenth time.

"You alright?" He asked, as he broke a cookie in half, dipped it in milk and fed it to me.

"Mmmhmm." I replied, with a mouthful of sweetness. "You look so different after a session like that," I said, referencing our first time going dark.

"Oh, yeah? Is that a good or a bad thing?"

"I don't know," suddenly not knowing what to say.

"Do you want to talk about it some?"

"And just?—"

"Well, yeah. Tell me how you felt about the things that I did. What you liked and didn't care for. The bits that scared you. I want to tailor the experience more to the things that excited you, given that there will even be a next time. I don't want to do something you didn't enjoy because the more fun you have, the more you'll be open. Because if I'm completely honest, I loved spending this time with you." He broke off another part of the cookie and brought it to my mouth.

"I don't know, it's like, you were like a completely different person during it. I tried to prepare myself but nothing can really prepare you for that ."

"Okay," he said with a straight face, but I could tell he was nervous.

"I know for sure that I felt desired. I mean, your hands are usually over me but never like that. It was like I brought something out of you, and the scary part was just not knowing how dark you were going to go. I think once I was in this headspace, the worst part was coming out of it. Maybe I didn't feel one hundred percent safe in it, but knowing it was over was where I lost my sense of familiarity and security.

Cillian leaned in and kissed my bare stomach, soothing his palm across my thigh and backside.

"You know, if it scares you, next time you can be the one in control. So that you can see that there's nothing to be afraid of."

"Men like not being in control?" I eyed him curiously.

"Sometimes. It's grand, but there are times where being in control is exhausting. I've never done it before but, I don't know, sometimes I have fantasies.

"Really?" I perked up, curious to what he fantasized about not being in control. "What do you imagine when you think about it?" He shrugged.

"I think it helps to remember a time that you didn't particularly enjoy. For me, it was getting arrested. It was degrading and dehumanizing. Obviously being arrested ain't exactly no rush, but I don't know. I thought about a lady copper, especially one that looks like you having her way with me. Knowing she's the one with the power in the moment. Ordering me to do things to her. Making me feel like nothing, but in a good way. That's what I think about."

It shocked me to hear him describe himself being excited with what felt like a power imbalance, something he'd experienced before and shaped his disconnection from lovemaking.

Perhaps, it was a way to experience it in a healthier way. One where, in actuality, he did have all the control. Would I be able to manage that without getting it wrong? He claimed he'd never done anything like tonight, but you'd never know it by how it came so naturally to him.

"You're a woman, so you probably couldn't do it the way that I can do it to you. But I ain't like, some my-way-or-the-highway kind of lad. As long as it's only with you, I feel like I can go anywhere, do anything. And still have the comfort of a loving wife waiting for me," he admitted, which suggested that perhaps he'd tried it before but maybe not the way he wanted.

"What do you picture me doing?" I smiled.

"I mean, I shouldn't get to dictate it too much. That's the point of not being in control. But in my dreams, I let you search me. Let you tell me I'm worthless and how I won't amount to nothing. But you do all the stuff you'd like me to do to you. Kiss your body, and not just like the obvious parts. Believe it or not, lads fancy that too. But everyone thinks that the only thing we like being groped or tugged on, are our mickeys. I've been to prison; not really a place I'd like to revisit, but the thought of a lady copper or a female CO, taking advantage of me and making my time locked up more comfortable. That's the kind of thing I fantasize about."

It went without saying that I harbored a lot of guilt with my testimony being the reason he got put away. That's why for him, I'd at least try it. Even though his guidance was intense, it had worked wonders for my own personal development. Made me less scared of the things I let control my fear.

I felt like I had more of a voice now, even if it were just asking things of him. My own mother hadn't mastered that with my father, so in that instance, my parents had done me a favor. Pulling him into a kiss, he readjusted, hooking his muscular thigh between mine, just so we could be closer.

"Did you have a part that stood out to you tonight?" I reached for his hand to entwine our fingers, but it really ended up being him toying with my fingers, reveling in their size difference.

"I like when you talk to me. When you say specific things, and not just the…" He went onto mimic my moaning, teasing me with his feminine cries of ‘ohhs' and ‘ahhs.'

"I know the dark stuff ain't what good girls like you are used to. In fact, I'd understand if after trying it, you learned you didn't enjoy it. But frankly speaking, nothing convinces me more that you fancy acts than when you talk to me."

Cillian always felt full of surprises but of all the things he could say, that definitely surprised me. Him desiring me to take the lead surprised me. And for a moment that should have left me the exposed one, I was the one getting the truest glimpse of who he was. At this point, there wasn't a part of him I didn't love to pieces.

"You still sore?" he asked, rubbing my shoulders. When I nodded, he convinced me he had just the thing for that, as he got up and disappeared, returning with baby oil.

"Turn around. On your stomach," he said, countering my look of skepticism with a laugh and gentle smile. "No funny business. I just want to mellow you out a bit. It might help you sleep better." He convinced me, as we rustled around until I was on my stomach and the squirt of the oil slowly slid down the small of my back.

Cillian had such strong hands. He anticipated my need for comfort and took no issue providing me indulgences that only pleased or served me. Kneading all my tired muscles from our previous acts, it wasn't long before I was a puddle of calm and loose limbs.

"You like that, baby?"

"Mmmhmm," I murmured, lazily.

"Good." His magic digits working their way down to my calves as the urge hit to snatch my feet away when he reached the bottom of my soles.

"You always do that when I touch your feet," he hummed a laugh.

"I guess I don't know what you like about them."

"The only reason there has to be is that they're yours. But I reckon men like feet more than women fancy them on men. Probably because you take better care of them," he admitted with a tickle to my sole, contrasting and comparing his big pale foot to mine. He pulled me in close as we gained a rhythm of kissing again. Softer this time, lazy and sweet.

" Mmm ."

"You tired?" He asked, sleepy, as I pressed my lips into a line, not knowing where the current boldness came.

"Do you have any of those brownies?"

"Are you sure?" His eyes lit up when I nodded and he practically leaped off the cot to retrieve the tin he had them kept in. I didn't know how they were going to make me feel but I was in a chocolate mood, so I enthusiastically accepted when he handed me a napkin filled with one of the treats.

"Don't rush it, baby," he said with a full mouth. "Give them a few minutes to work its effect on you."

At first, I didn't feel any different, but I could feel Cillian's fingers drawing light circles on my shoulders enjoying the gentle quiet. And then suddenly, I became hyper aware of the circles he was drawing on my skin, but instead of circles, it felt more like the alphabet searing into my back. Turning to face him, he embraced me, and I kissed him to see how different it'd feel to feel his lips on mine under the influence.

" Mmm ," I moaned into his lips, as he unwillingly pulled away from me to retrieve the lube and condoms. When he returned, I was relieved of how unnerved I was. I wasn't scared or nervous, and I trusted him completely with everything.

"I messed up your hair a little," he said smiling, caressing the back of my neck.

"It's okay, we'll fix it later," I replied, leaning in to feel his lips again, and with a round of tussling and fondling, he reached over to grab the lube. Guiding me on my stomach, Cillian squirted a generous amount on his fingers, massaging my hole with tenderness and care and opting to double stimulate me by working my pussy with his other hand.

He kissed me there, switching between licking and teasing until I relaxed my muscles. He continued to taste me, the firm swigs of his tongue feeling sinfully delicious as he played with my ass. It felt so good this time, so, so damn good. It was naughty and it was salacious, I didn't want him to stop.

When he worked on the condom, he saturated his length, doing the same to my hole as he stretched my thighs wide apart to carefully enter me.

He inched in slower than last time, and I was amazed at how much easier it had been to take him being more relaxed. He rested my feet on his thighs, slowly thrusting and catching glances at me to ensure he wasn't hurting me. He ground his teeth against every inch he worked inside me, his hips bucking at the feel of my stretching hole accepting him.

"You're so fucking beautiful baby," he gasped, as I reached into rub my clit pleased with how it added to the fullness, a contrast of pain and pleasure.

"You look so fucking sexy playing with yourself," he whispered. "Jesus Christ, I'm about to come." Cillian's torso flexed as he pulled the back of my legs to his chest and shoulders, biting the skin of my calves and ankles and let himself go. His moans were so sensual. A complete reflection of a hard man gone vulnerable. Before he lost his erection he helped me rub my sweet spot, just so I could orgasm with the pleasure of him still being inside me.

A crashing climax enveloped my entire body with pleasure, the tiny shattered pieces of me slowly coming back together. Cillian withdrew from me, disposing of the rubber and returning back to the cot with a modest comforter with his eyes looking more precious than a puppy.

"There ain't never gonna be another woman for me, Queenie. I don't know what our future holds, but I don't want to imagine one day without you in it. Tá mo chroí istigh ionat." His last words in a foreign tongue.

"What does that mean, baby?"

"It just means…that I love you."

***

I'd fallen asleep after such a passionate night, that I'd forgotten to tie up my hair. But Cillian remembered the little things, and instead of waking up to head full of mats and tangles, I learned that he'd twisted my strands in eight suitable twists and a neatly tied silk scarf. By the time I was alert Cillian had packed all of our things, and honestly was just waiting for me to wake so that he didn't disrupt my slumber.

When I got dressed, I asked him if he wanted me to blindfold me again but he insisted it wasn't necessary. Hand in hand we walked to his car, and soon he was opening the door for me, helping me inside.

The ride home was quiet but calming, him holding me close with his non-driving hand as he drove at modest speed with no rush to be home. We felt closer somehow. Every doubt that I'd ever had about him had been a thing of the past. He was my darkness, but I was his light and as long as we had faith and trust in each other, nothing and no one would ever come between us.

We arrived home and anticipating no phone calls or surprise visits, our plan was to sleep in, eat and waste a day doing whatever felt right to us. Just as I was about to put the keys in the door, Cillian stopped me, offering to do it himself.

"You have to let me do it the proper this time."

"Do what?" I asked, his answer lovingly lifting me in his arms and carrying me over the threshold.

" Mmm ." He kissed my cheek. "Now we're proper married," he joked as I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and tapped his nose, smiling.

"That's one tradition down. But if you really want to do something proper, there's one more thing you can do to make me happy."