Chapter 24

24

Shay

A few days by the lake have already begun to work their magic, albeit rather slowly.

I sleep better. Then again, Cassandra and I spend most of our time outdoors. The cabin is small but comfortable and with all the modern amenities. The town is just half a mile away, and the roads are surprisingly clear for late February in these parts of Canada. It snows a lot, but the local government has a huge fleet of snowplows constantly out on the road.

It’s a beautiful place, surrounded by a deep green forest of majestic pines and ancient oak trees. It overlooks the south side of the lake, with waters reflecting a giant sky. At night, the view is a breath-taking spectacle of lights since we’re so far away from light-polluting cities. The moon and the stars dance freely over the black heavens, strips of stardust and strands of our galaxy becoming visible on the clear nights. The air is crisp and fresh, while the snow stays fluffy and plump for days on end.

We start our mornings in the spacious living room by the fireplace. Flames crackle, and I love the smell of burning wood with my decaffeinated coffee. Cassandra makes sure I’m not eating or drinking anything that might affect my pregnancy. I mean, who needs a man when you’ve got a friend like her?

“Oh, look at that sky,” she declares as she settles by the bay window. “It’s gonna be clear and sunny today. You know what that means, right?”

“We’re gonna visit the farm next door…” I shouldn’t sound so disappointed. They’re only a hundred yards down the road from us, and they’re the sweetest people we’ve come across so far.

“You love hanging out with their goats! Why are you so glum?”

“I don’t think I’m glum, just… bloated,” I sigh deeply. “I do love hanging out with their goats.”

“We should definitely eat before we head out, though,” Cassandra says.

We’re still in our flannel jammies, thick woolen socks rolled down to our ankles—mine are slightly swollen, and my back hurts a little. She gives me a worried look, so I’m compelled to respond with a reassuring smile. “Don’t hover, Cass. I’m good. Just the joys of pregnancy.”

“Oh, you’re gonna go through it like a champ. All of those gym workouts will pay off, and you know it.”

I chuckle softly. “I hope you’re right.”

“What do you want for breakfast?”

“Nah, nah, I’m handling breakfast today. And I have no frickin’ clue. I’d kill for a bowl of fresh cherries, to be honest.”

Cassandra rolls her eyes. “Sure thing. Smack in the middle of winter, my girl craves fresh cherries. Anything else, milady? I’m pretty sure I can whip up a mean pickle with a strawberry jam dip if you give me a minute to rummage through the pantry. The owner was nice enough to stock it with some of the local good stuff…”

“Hey, I said I’m handling breakfast. And no, no pickles. I don’t think the baby likes them.”

In fact, I may be early in my pregnancy, but I’m pretty sure I already know what’s on the NO list. Pickles, blue cheese, and pork are absolutely at the top, with Cheetos and mushrooms springing for the runner up positions.

My phone pings. I check the screen and roll my eyes.

“Who’s that?” Cassandra asks, eyeing me curiously.

“Vincent. Again.”

“Can he not take a hint?” she groans, understandably frustrated as she takes a long sip of her coffee.

I finish mine and set the empty mug on the coffee table, then lay back on the sofa with my feet up on the armrest. “I told him I’m away for a while, but he’s still texting me. You know, ‘good morning, how’s your day’, that kind of stuff.”

“He’s definitely trying to wear you down until you agree to see him again,” Cassandra replies. “I know the tactic. A lot of narcissists use it. They pretend nothing happened, like everything is okay, like you could just pick up where you left off. I hope you’re not entertaining such ideas.”

“God, no,” I blurt out. “There’s enough on my plate without him. No. I just… I just need to block his number is what I need to do.”

“Finally,” she replies. “What about the guys, though? Jax, Marius, Richard. Have you spoken to them lately?”

I shake my head slowly and close my eyes. As soon as my eyelids come together, I see them. Marius’s warm brown eyes and broad shoulders, his playful smile and black curls hanging over his forehead. Jax’s bright blue gaze, his devilish grin and tattoos stretching across his arms and torso as he takes off his kickboxing gear. Richard’s wild green eyes, his red beard trimmed with a smooth fade up his square jaw, muscles slightly bulging against his neatly tailored suit.

I miss them terribly. The distance I’ve put between us was supposed to quell the fire currently burning in my heart, but I doubt I’m ever going to get over them. How could I, after everything we’ve shared? How could I, since I’m carrying one of their children in my womb? I have to let go of them, though. And maybe I’ll take an extra week here if it helps. I don’t know.

“They’ve left some messages, but I haven’t replied,” I tell Cassandra. “They were hoping we could meet and talk, the four of us… I told them I was out of the country. Maybe when I get back, I don’t know.”

“My advice is don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. Give yourself the time you need up here. I’m sure they will respect whatever decision you reach.”

“I do need to tell them I’m pregnant, though…”

“It would be the sensible thing to do, yeah. And the sooner you do it, the better. But you’re gonna have to do it in person. You know that, right?”

I give her a tired look. “After accidentally emailing them that naughty list? I could just ‘accidentally’ text them a photo of the pregnancy test on our group chat.”

We both burst into laughter. What would that be like? No, Cassandra’s got a point. This needs to be done face to face, once I gather the nerve to see them again.

“However you decide to tell them, Shay, it’ll be your decision,” she says after a while. “But you’ve been avoiding them for a while, now, and you’re still suffering over it. I’m gonna be honest, you’re in a purgatory of your own making here. Not that I can blame you. A love as strange and as intense as yours can be scary.”

“Is it wrong of me to expect them to do more? To maybe hold on to me a little tighter?” I ask, my cheeks getting warm as the fire under the mantle gently roasts the room.

“It’s not wrong, but I don’t think it’s entirely fair, either,” she says. “Think about it this way… You’re not the only one who gave that foursome thing a try. It’s their first time, too, so maybe they don’t know how to handle it. Maybe a regular relationship would’ve beckoned them to do more, like you said, to hold on to you a little tighter. But your dynamic was different.”

My brows are furrowed with worry as anguish returns to my chest like a fist made of ice. “I was too hard on them, huh? I should’ve been more patient.”

“Don’t say you should’ve or could’ve. Accept your mistakes and learn from them, yes. But remove yourself from something you can no longer control. You can still change the outcome, but only if you assume responsibility moving forward.”

I think about it for a moment. “I was hasty. I wasn’t patient enough. When I see them again, I need to tell them that. I need to be honest about how I feel without dwelling on the past.”

“Precisely,” she replies, smiling softly. “We all make mistakes, Shay. It’s how we learn. You know the deal, it’s not like we’re born with a user manual. And life has a way of throwing some pretty specific curve balls at us. They each teach us a lesson, but they don’t serve for us to dwell on them.”

Yeah, we all screwed up in this relationship. This is something I’m going to have to accept and move on from, for the sake of my unborn child. The prospect of a life without Marius, without Jax, without Richard… it’s awful. It fills me with a different kind of dread. It’s scary enough that I got pregnant without a clear intention and that single motherhood is a complicated experience, but to think I won’t have my three strongmen by my side… damn, it’s awful.

I unravel and start sobbing uncontrollably, rolling on my side as Cassandra puts her coffee down and comes over to hold me close. I let it out—the pain, the longing, the agony of their absence. “I miss them so much. I just… I just wanna drive back to Seattle and tell them how I feel.”

“You could do that,” she says softly, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

“I’m a coward, Cass. I don’t have the courage to do it. All I do is push them away and then wallow in my own loneliness. It’s pathetic.”

“It’s a natural defense mechanism. You are choosing a familiar form of discomfort in lieu of a new one, a much scarier one,” she reminds me. “We’re used to the traumas that resemble what we’ve already lived through. New traumas force us to face something new, and it’s scary. You know the saying, right?”

“Better the devil you know?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Better the sadness I already know. Better the misery I’ve become accustomed to. The very awfulness I thought I’d healed from. It’s more familiar, it’s somehow easier to handle than something new—telling Marius, Jax, and Richard I’ve come to love them deeply and I’m carrying their child. Because ultimately, that’s what this is, this unexpected pregnancy. Any one of them could be the father, and they’d all be just as important to me.