6. Don’t Hold Back

DON’T HOLD BACK

I 'm not sure if I should be proud or worried that she came so hard she passed out. Hard as a rock, aching and throbbing, I slide up beside her.

"Lilith?"

She moans, stirs. Her eyes flutter open, deep blue and confused, cross-eyed and unfocused at first. Then, they fix on me. "Reece?"

"Hi there, lovely." I smile down at her, leaning on an elbow.

"Did I…pass out?" she asks.

I tuck a tendril of hair aside. "Yeah, for a second."

Her cheeks are flushed pink; she covers her face with both hands. "That's so embarrassing."

"Not all," I say. I trace a circle around her nipple. "How do you feel?"

"Like a puddle of Jell-O." She shivers as I circle the other nipple. "What the hell did you do to me?"

"Gave you an orgasm?"

She shakes her head. "That was not just an orgasm. I swear I've come before. Just…never like that."

She wiggles, trying to shift upward, but stops, wincing as she flops back down. "Oh, shit. Ouch."

"What is it?" I ask, scanning her body. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?”

That's when I notice a scar a few inches below her belly. A fresh one, from hip to hip.

Her face shuts down, and she covers the scar with her hands. "Don't.”

I gently grasp her wrists and tug them apart. "Hey. Hey. No—don't do that. No part of you is not beautiful."

“That isn't."

I touch my lips to the scar as gently as I can, kissing by inches from hip to hip. "It is."

"Reece," she whispers. "You know what it is?"

I shake my head. Roll to my back and pull her into my arms. Her soft, small, warm, naked body curls against mine, fitting against my side as if puzzle-made to fit there. Her cheek rests on my chest, and tears drip hot on my skin.

“Tell me," I murmur.

"Hysterectomy." She whispers it. "Full uterine removal. I had several very large fibroid cysts that were causing me pretty severe medical issues.”

"Are you okay now?"

She rolls one shoulder. "I guess. The incision still hurts sometimes, more than six weeks later." A sigh. "It fixed the problem, but…"

"But what?"

She doesn't answer for a while. "I'll never carry a child. I froze some eggs when I turned thirty-five, but I'll never carry my own child. I…it's not something I ever really thought about. I've never had a serious relationship, so having kids was never on my radar. But now…it's all I can think about because I never will." She shifts, testing her range of motion. "It's just annoying that I'm still sore."

"I should have been more careful, Lily. I'm sorry I caused you pain."

She tilts her head to look up at me, frowning. "Reece, no. God no. You didn't. You rocked my fucking world, do you know that? I've never, ever felt anything like that. A little soreness is a tiny price to pay for something as mind-blowing as how you just made me feel.”

I lift my left leg, flexing the knee. "After my injury, my knee hurt for years. Still does, when it's rainy. I did a hell of a lot of PT and eventually got like ninety-nine percent of my strength back, but they told me in no uncertain terms that I'd never play pro. It destroyed my world. Going pro was my only goal, the only thing I thought about from the first time I put on the pads in middle school. I had offers—multiple offers from some of the best teams in the NFL.” I held my fist out and exploded my fingers outward. “Gone. I had to rethink my whole life. I know it's not the same, but I guess I feel like I get it a little bit."

"I'm sorry I killed the mood," she says.

"You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself," I say. "You didn’t kill anything."

"Reece, I…” she trails off, running her fingers in random patterns on my chest. "I want…"

"Anything. Tell me."

She shakes her head. “I’m not good at talking about what I want in this…um, context."

"Lilith," I say, cupping her cheek. "There's no right or wrong. You won't upset me. If you want to put some clothes on and watch TV some more, then that's what we'll do. If you need space and you want me to go, that's okay; I won't be hurt or disappointed or upset. If you want to keep going and you don't know how to say it, that's fine, too—we'll figure it out. Whatever you need, whatever you want."

“You’re too damn sweet, Reece," she whispers. "I don't want you to go. I want to keep going. I want you. I want to…" she bites her lower lip, worrying at it, blushing. "I want to make you feel good."

"You have. You do."

She frowns at me, confused. "I have? How, exactly? Was it when you gave me the most intense sexual experience of my life?"

“Yep.”

She snorts. "Okay, champ."

I pinch her nipple. "Champ?"

She bats my hand away. "Sensitive nipples." She huffs. "You're full of shit. You gave me an orgasm. That does nothing for you."

"Now who's full of shit?" I say, strumming her nipples again, making her shiver. "Going down on you was arousing as fuck. I'm hard as a goddamn rock. Making you come? Especially as hard as you did, when you told me you couldn't? You know what that does for a man's ego?"

She rolls her eyes. "Normally, I'd say something like, 'I'm not sure your ego needs a boost,' but in your case, with everything your bitch of an ex-wife put you through, maybe you do."

"Maybe I do," I agree, laughing. "And you give it to me just by being yourself. That’s a thousand times better than any orgasm."

She leans into me, and I let her put me on my back; now, she's the one angled over me, long, loose blonde hair wild and draped over her shoulder and curtained over half her face. Fuck, she's beautiful.

"So, you're saying you don't want an orgasm?'

I laugh. "Hold on now, I didn’t say that. I just don't want you to feel any pressure whatsoever. There's no keeping score here, okay? If you're not ready for anything else, I am one hundred percent okay with that. I'll be fine. I can wait."

She shakes her head. "How are you real?" She gnaws on her lower lip, her eyes raking my body. "You look like a superhero, and you keep saying all the right things."

"Lilith, I'm not just saying things. I mean them."

She nods, trailing her fingertips over my pecs, my ribcage, and my abs in a slow circuit. "I know. I can tell you're genuine, Reece. I'm a defense attorney—my lie detector and bullshit meter are damn near infallible. I know you're not just feeding me lines. But that's what makes it hard to trust. You seem too good to be true."

I shake my head with a laugh. "A disgraced B-list actor with a rap sheet of violent offenses who's all but broke and in hiding. Yeah. I can see how that's too good to be true."

She claps her hand over my mouth. "No. Nope. No sir. We're not doing that."

"Doing what?" I ask, my words muffled behind her hand.

"You're so much more than that, Reece." She resumes her tactile exploration of my torso; each time her circuit of touching brings her fingers to my abdomen, her fingers slide a little closer to my waistband and the erection visible below it. "I’m not excusing anything. But I, more than just about anyone, am in a position to understand that a man is not the sum of his worst moments. And the reverse is also true. I've known truly awful, terrifying, horrible men who were squeaky clean, legally, just like I've known truly good, kind men with offenses on their records that would seem, on the surface, to indicate the opposite."

I close my eyes and rub my face. "Thank you for saying that, Lily. It's just that everything I've done has been so public. It's humiliating. All the speculation, you know? Like, is Reece Morgan an alcoholic? Is he in rehab? Is he going through a mental health crisis? The video of my latest outburst has over six million views. Hashtag Reeces-pieces is trending on social media, meaning I'm falling to pieces." I drop my hands and look at her. "So, in my case, it does sort of feel like I’m the sum of my worst moments."

She caresses my chest, thumbs my nipple, and then carves her hand over my navel, hesitating with her fingers at my waistband. "Reece, I'm not famous. I don’t know what that's like, everyone seeing your worst moments like that, writing about it and having opinions on it. But I guess it seems to me like maybe you should try not to think about what the public thinks because they don't actually know you. All they know is what shows up in the media. And yeah, if I went based only on what's publicly available about you, I may have been more concerned about spending time with you. But that's not what I'm going off of. I’m going based on the man you're showing yourself to be, which is kind, thoughtful, considerate, funny, smart, sexy, attentive, and…and just amazing. You either aren’t an alcoholic, or you’re hiding it damn well because we’ve had a couple of glasses of wine on more than one occasion, and you seem uninterested in going past that. I also haven't seen so much as a hint of anger out of you."

"Lily, I…" I sigh. Try again. "It's there, trust me. I'm not an alcoholic—I don’t even actually drink all that much, typically. The anger though, it’s…it's there, Lily. Make no mistake about it, it's there. I'm just finally starting to learn control, how to express it in healthy ways."

"Do you know where it's coming from?" she asks. “The anger, I mean.”

Her touch is focused on my abs now. Tracing the faint definition—18 percent body fat is not low enough to be as shredded as I have been for certain roles, but achieving that kind of definition requires draconian self-control, and it's something I only do when the role requires it. She slips her fingertips under the elastic, running them from hipbone to hipbone and then withdrawing them.

I nod. "A lot of places. I've talked it out with my therapist quite a bit since the…um…incident. I'm angry at my father for abandoning us. I'm angry at my mother for being unable to…I dunno. Save Robby? It's not fair, but it's the truth. I'm also angry at Robby for OD-ing. For being weak, I guess. And again, that's not fair or logical, but anger is rarely fair or logical—so says my therapist, at least. I'm angry at Vivian, especially. She fucked me over. Fucked my life up. Stole five years from me. Cost me my reputation, burned through all the money I worked my ass off to earn. She tricked me. Manipulated me. Made me feel like a fool. Most of all, I'm angry at myself for not being able to save Robby. For not being good enough for my dad to stick around. For ignoring my agent's advice and sinking so much into a doomed project like Hercules . For ignoring all the warning signs that were so clearly visible about Vivian. For letting my anger do so much damage."

"You have to forgive yourself.” She wriggles closer, her soft heavy breasts pressed against my chest, her chin resting on my shoulder, big blue eyes tender and deep.

"How?” I ask.

She shrugs. "I don't know. That's a question for your therapist."

"I'll ask him next time." I nuzzle her face with mine, then rest my forehead against hers. "Thank you for seeing me, Lilith. You don't know what that means to me."

"I think I do," she breathes.

And then she kisses me. Pushes against me, pressing me into the pillow, angled over me, half on top of me. Her lips are silky warmth, sliding wet and hungry against mine.

I moan into the kiss, instinctively lifting to meet her, cupping her face, wanting nothing more than to disappear into the kiss, to take control, to cling to her, to kiss her breathless, to take her and make her scream beneath me.

She resists, breaking the kiss. "Reece, I…" she pushes a small hand into my shoulder. "Not yet."

I sag back against the bed. "Sorry. Sorry."

She smiles, lips touching the corner of my mouth. "No, that's…that's not what I meant. I just want you to let me touch you."

"Whatever you want," I murmur. "Whatever you need."

Her hand slides over my abdomen again, once more coming to a halt at the waistband of my joggers. This time, though, her fingers slip beneath the elastic, finding my hipbone, making me pull my belly in. "I just…it's been a very long time since I've been with anyone, plus the surgery, so I'm a little nervous, I guess. But I want you. I don't want to stop. I just…I guess I need to ease into things a little."

I cup her face and kiss her, soft and slow and sweet. "You don't need to explain anything, honey. This happens at your pace or not at all."

"I know." She touches her forehead to mine and then turns her face to the side, watching where her hand is slowly diving down my thigh, mere centimeters away from my aching cock. “What I want right now, Reece, is for you to just let me…do this. Whatever this is. I don't know what I'm doing."

I lace my fingers behind my head. "Whatever you want, Lily."

She pulls in a deep breath. "I want… this ." Her small warm soft fingers wrap around my cock, and a groan escapes my chest.

"Fuck," I growl. "Feels good."

She giggles. "I haven't done anything yet."

"Doesn't matter. Just touching me."

She slides her grip down to the root and then down further, cupping my balls. Back up, gripping my shaft and sliding her touch upward to twist her fist around the head.

And then she lets go of me, pulling my joggers and boxer briefs down on one side and then the other, baring the tip to the air. Again, one side and then the other, until my pants are around my thighs. I shove them down and kick them off.

She's quiet, then.

"Lily?" I ask. "Is…are you okay?"

"Yeah, just…you're huge .” She traces her index fingertip down my cock from tip to root. "I mean, look at the rest of you—I know I shouldn't be surprised, but…holy shit you're big."

"You don't have to—" I start.

Her fingers touch my lips, silencing me. "I know. I want to. It's just a little shocking at first, seeing a cock that big in real life."

I mean, I'm not a small man, not in any sense. And she's a tiny woman. Her fingers don't quite meet around my girth, which is as much because of how small her hands are as because of my size. I've always been careful with my partners; I know how to make sure she's ready for me. But in this case, all I can do is lay still and let her do what she wants, which is…difficult.

Lily reaches up, grabs my wrist, and moves my arm around her shoulders, placing my hand on her hip. "You can hold onto me," she says.

This brings her closer, her breath on my cheek, breasts draped on my chest, sex pressed against my hip. I cradle the firm weight of her ass in my hand. "Like this?"

She nods against my face. "Yeah. I like that."

"Hey, whaddya know? Me too."

She giggles, and grasps my cock again. "How about this? You like this?"

I suck in my belly and groan. "Fuck yes."

She nuzzles my jawline and strokes my length. "Me too."

And now she finds my mouth and steals a kiss, and her tongue slides between my teeth and tangles with mine, and my heart pounds and my cock throbs. She moans into the kiss, caressing my length slowly. Aching, pounding, panting, I have to clamp down viciously on the urge to take over. My hand claws into the plump taut muscle of her beautiful ass, and she only deepens the kiss, plundering my mouth with hers, stroking me with a twist at the top and a few shallow flutters around the head before plunging her touch back down.

"Ah, fuck, Lily. Feels so fucking good."

"Don't hold back, Reece."

I groan. "Have to."

"Why?" she whispers.

"Because I’ll take over."

"And do what?"

"Put you on your back and fuck you senseless," I growl. "Make the orgasm I gave you before seem like a tea party."

Her strokes speed up, her tiny hand blurring on my shaft. My hips begin to buck helplessly.

"Lily, fuck," I gasp. "Don't stop. Please don't stop."

She doesn't stop, but her strokes do slow abruptly, pulling me back from the edge. "Reece?"

"Hmmm?" I mumble. "What, honey?"

"Are…are you clean?"

"Y-yes," I gasp. "Haven't…haven't been with anyone since Vivian, and I haven't touched her since I overheard that conversation more than two and a half years ago—that was the day I filed.” I force my eyes open. "Why?"*

“That long?” She breathes, shocked.

I shrug. “She was still my wife. I don’t cheat.”

She releases me and slides astride me, both arms snaking under my neck to cling to me, nose in my throat. "I want you."

"I didn’t bring any protection, Lily."

She shakes her head. "Don't need it. I’m clean—I haven't been with anyone in months, and neither have you. And I can't get pregnant."

"Your incision…"

She's breathing hard, clearly nervous. "I was cleared after four weeks. It's been almost seven. It's just a little tender. I'm fine."

"Lily, honey…" I start.

She silences me with a deep, hungry, wet kiss. I reach my hand between our bodies and find her soaked slit, trailing a finger up to her clit. She jerks at my touch and then moans as I circle the nub. Within seconds, her hips are flexing, and she's panting, whimpering.

"Reece, oh god. How—how do you…oh god , that feels good."

"Come for me, Lilith," I growl. "Need you to come for me."

She rides my fingers, whimpering through gritted teeth. "I'm—oh god. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. Reece, oh god, Reece. Yes, right there. Just like that."

Faster and faster, she bucks against my fingers, arms tightening around my neck, and then she comes, crying out, her whole body tensing as she grinds against my flying fingers.

When she subsides from the climax, she grabs my wrist and pulls my hand away. "My turn."

She reaches between her thighs and grasps me, notches me against her seam. Pauses like that, panting. And then she pushes down on me, taking the first couple of inches.

Her eyes fly open wide and meet mine. "Holy shit , Reece. Fuck, you're big."

"Go slow, honey," I murmur.

She presses her mouth to my shoulder, nodding. Wraps her arms around my neck again, clinging to me tighter than ever. She whimpers, easing herself down onto me a bit more, taking another couple inches before stopping with a breathy cry.

"Oh…my god. Ohmi god ." Another long, aching pause, broken only by her panting against my throat.

It takes every ounce of self-control to hold still for her. I curl one arm around her shoulders and the other around her waist, hugging her, holding her. Her scent envelops me; her warmth subsumes me. She’s everything—the whole universe shrinks to just this woman, this perfect, beautiful creature on top of me. And god, is she tight. So tight it almost hurts. I dare not move a muscle, not until she's acclimated to me.

"Oh god, Reece. So big." She touches her lips to my throat, and then my jaw, and then she takes my mouth and kisses me again, so hungrily it takes my breath away, makes my stomach fall away and my heart pound and my cock throb. "Feels so fucking amazing."

“Not hurting you?”

A shake of her head. "No. No." A pause, her cheek against mine, and then she touches her forehead to mine for a moment before pulling away to look me in the eye. "You feel perfect inside me, Reece."

Without warning, she sinks around me, ripping a surprised snarl out of me as I'm buried fully inside her tight wet heat. She ripples around me so tight I can't move. Nothing has ever felt like this, and it steals my breath, my words.

"Oh, fuck—Reece!" She plants her hands on my shoulders and presses herself upright. Her eyes hold mine. "Can you move a little?"

I brush her hair away from her eyes, cup her cheek. "You're sure you're ready?"

She nods. “I want it. I want you. Please, Reece."

I carve my hands down her back to cup her ass. "Hold on tight, Lily. And tell me if you need me to stop or slow down."

She nods again. "I will." Gives a little roll of her hips that smashes the air out of my lungs.

I grasp her beautiful, generous ass and thrust gently, slowly, carefully into her, watching her lovely face for any hint of pain. Pull back, groaning, and then slide back inside.

Her head hangs, and she whimpers. "Reece, ohmygod."

"Okay?"

She nods. "Good— so good. Keep going."

I ease away and press in again, all in a single slow slide. Lily gasps, head throwing backward, and she rolls her hips to take me deeper.

I have to close my eyes, then, and focus on holding back, on retaining control. I have to let her lead, let her dictate the pace.

Lilith, however, has other ideas. She leans forward, breasts brushing my chest, and she grabs my face in her hands, which shake against my stubble. "More, Reece. More . Harder."

I open my mouth to say something, but she slams her lips against mine and steals my tongue and my breath. She grinds her sex on me in a slow, sinuous roll that makes my stomach flip and my balls ache.

"Ah god, Lily, fuck —you feel so fucking good."

I feel her shaking all over, feel her pussy spasming around mine, and I know she's close. She cups my face and kisses me again, mouth trembling against mine as she sets a rhythm, rolling on me—slowly at first and then faster. Her kiss breaks into gasps, and then shrill whimpers, and then she buries her face in the side of my neck and she's taking me faster and faster. Whimpers become a gasping series of breathless cries that come faster and faster, in time with the relentless roll of her hips, the slick slide of her sex down my throbbing shaft.

"Reece," she whimpers, "oh god, Reece, please, come with me, Reece. Come with me. Please, oh god, please, come with me."

As if her words are a command, stars burst behind my eyes, and my cock pulses, and everything inside me boils over. I crush-grip her ass and thrust into her, groaning raggedly.

“ Yes !” She screams. "Oh, fuck, yes ! Don't stop, Reece, just like that. Just like that, baby."

Baby?

My heart cracks and my soul opens, hearing her say that in such a raw, vulnerable moment. It hurts—in a good way, but it hurts.

I can't hold back anymore. She slams down on me, hands braced lower on my belly now, her torso upright, breasts bouncing as she rides my cock to orgasm. I snarl, fending off my own for another few desperate moments, driving up into her as hard as I dare, keeping a tight rein on myself by the skin of my teeth.

The next time I bottom out inside her, she squeezes her eyes shut and tears leak out and she screams, pushing down to take me so deep it aches. Her pussy spasms around me, squeezing until I can't move.

That’s the trigger for my release. I feel it boiling in my balls, pulsing and pounding. I try to hold it back, but it's futile.

"Reece!" she screams, shaking all over uncontrollably. "I'm coming, Reece, oh god, oh god, oh god."

"Lily," I gasp through gritted teeth. “I’m gonna come, too. I can’t—I can't…"

She falls forward and her mouth fuses to mine and her tongue drives into my mouth and she keens in her throat even as she kisses me and she slams down onto me, slides up, slams down again, and now the orgasm is ripped out of me, and any vestige of control is eradicated.

I drive up into her, gripping her ass with bruising power and pushing her down onto me as I unleash inside her.

"Oh god, Reece, yes, I feel you—I feel you coming. Give it to me, Reece. Come for me. Come for me, Reece,” she whispers frantically, hips rolling to meet my thrusts hard and fast. "Yes, yes, yes, Reece! Don’t stop—don't stop, Reece!"

The world blurs and goes dizzy, and my whole body clenches and releases as I pour myself into her, roaring, gripping, driving, thrusting, fucking.

I come for what feels like an eternity, and she meets every thrust with a wild cry, squeezing around me as if each thrust into her hot wet clutching depths triggers a new orgasm.

Slowly, I come back to myself, my blurry vision resolving. Tears stream freely down her face as she sinks down on me all the way one more time, seating me deep inside her. I shudder as a post-orgasmic shiver sweeps through me, and her pussy clenches again around me, and she cries out.

I wipe her face, and she nuzzles into my hand. "Lily—dear god. Dear god."

“I know," she gasps. "Me too."

"Are—are you okay?” I whisper. "I…I didn’t…?”

Her pussy clenches around me. "No, Reece. You didn't hurt me. Exactly the opposite. I feel…" She shakes her head, hair waving. "I feel better than I ever have in my life."

She's still so tight around me that my cock aches. She lays flat on me, cheek on my shoulder, hands beneath my head, her soft thighs clutched around my hips.

"Lily…" words fail me, and I try again. "I didn't know it could be like that."

“Me either," she whispers. "It's the first time I've come during sex."

Pride ripples through me that I could give that to her. All I want, at this moment, is to show her, endlessly, what it's supposed to be like—because in the process, I'm discovering the same thing.

"Reece?" She murmurs.

“Yeah, honey."

"I don't want to lose you. But I…I need to get cleaned up."

Careful to keep our union intact, I roll to put her beneath me. Brace on my elbows. "Ready?"

She shakes her head. "No." She gazes up at me. "But yeah. Go for it, just…go slow, please.”

I ease myself out of her, and we both groan as I slide free. Hovering over her, I pause to catch my breath.

Lily's gaze goes to my cock, which still hasn't subsided. I'm not fully erect, but I'm not flaccid, either. She grasps me. "I can't believe I took this whole thing.”

Despite having just come harder than I ever have, I feel myself responding to her touch. "Lily, you gotta let go."

"Why?"

"I gotta get you cleaned up." I hiss as she strokes me. "And that's not helping. You're gonna make me hard again."

"Already?" She breathes.

"It's you. It's just you—how you make me feel."

Blue eyes wide, her fist pumping my now-growing erection, she bites that lower lip and grins. "Dear Jesus, Reece. You're not kidding. You're actually ready to go again."

I hang my head, on my hands and knees above her, aching as she caresses my slick length.

"Fuck," I growl. "Lily, you gotta stop. Or I won't be able to."

"Maybe I don't want to stop."

With an impatient snarl, I scoop her up and roll off the bed with her. She squeals, laughing, as I carry her into the bathroom. She clings to my neck with one hand, legs locked around my hips, leaning back to continue pumping my cock with her soft little hand.

Legs trembling, I lean into the shower and twist on the hot water, cradling her ass on my forearm.

Within a few seconds, the water is hot and I step in, shutting the glass door behind us. Adjust the temperature so it doesn't scald us.

Lily unwraps her legs from around my waist and wiggles to her feet. Gazes up at me, plunging both hands down my length. "I don't think I can take you again yet, Reece," she whispers.

"I know," I answer. "It's okay."

"But I can do this." She goes to her knees, my back to the spray.

"Lily, you don't—"

"I want to," she interrupts. "And you're gonna let me."