16 There’s No Going Back

16

There’s No Going Back

Less than half an hour later, I find myself smiling when I see Oliver’s name come up on my phone. ‘Thanks for your text yesterday and sorry for going dark on you. I’ve had one hell of a Monday, including the dreaded black screen on my PC that prompted a dash to get a replacement. Anyway, you were right. I totally missed the email from Daniela, but I got straight onto it as soon as everything was up and working again. We’re all set for Saturday’s test run. And you’re sure it’s all right if I stay at your place overnight?’

‘Of course.’

He lets out a sigh of relief. ‘Thanks. With two of the cast members staying at Daniela’s, as long as one of them isn’t me I think Nigel will be happy.’ His attempt at a dismissive laugh doesn’t quite work.

‘It’s not a problem. It’s payback for coming to my rescue and it sets the precedent for any future nights you stay over in Darlingham. I’ll leave a front door key with Daniela just in case you go straight to the barn. I gather afterwards there’s a bit of a party and she said it could be a late one.’

‘You’re not joining us?’ Daniela was right. Oliver seems to have assumed I’d be there.

‘No. I’m having a self-imposed duvet day, binge watching a series I’ve recorded and just relaxing. It’ll be good to have some company for breakfast on Sunday morning, though.’

‘You do sound tired. The weekend was draining for you emotionally, wasn’t it?’

There’s no point even trying to deny it. ‘And some. But now it’s behind me, if I can just stagger through the rest of this week without any mishaps, I’ll be OK.’

He gives a rumbling little laugh. ‘A day chilling out is probably exactly what you need. And how are Charlotte and Elizabeth doing?’

‘They’re making my head buzz just listening to the number of evening get-togethers they intend to host. It’ll be like the good old days again, after a prolonged period of not much happening. I suggested that drinks and canapés are easier to organise than full-blown dinner parties and they seem to be taking the idea on board.’

‘Does it involve extra work for you?’

‘Not really, mainly just more invoices to pay. They’re handling all the arrangements between themselves. Veronica liaises with the caterers when they’re on site and will ensure they have everything they need before she leaves each Friday.’

Oliver tuts. ‘You can’t tell me it’s not adding to your workload in one way or another. You’re the one who keeps all the working parts moving; it’s not easy being a problem-solver and doing that in a diplomatic way.’

‘I don’t mind,’ I reply, cheerfully. ‘Besides, Silverberry Hall is a place made for entertaining and Elizabeth is tiring of only having family members around her. Her brothers mean well, but she’s a lady used to fun social gatherings and letting her hair down, not constantly being reminded she isn’t getting any younger and should be taking it easy. That’s not her style.’

‘I’m glad to hear she’s finding her feet again. The first time I met her, she confided in me that grief will suck the life out of you if you let it. She told me that she misses the old version of herself. The key, apparently, is to keep your mind busy and your feet active. To which I said, “Just like you,” and she laughed. I take it that your grandma is still intent on a permanent move?’

‘She is.’

‘And what about you?’

I sigh. ‘I told Grandma that I have my hands full right now and she said she understood.’

‘It’s a reprieve, then.’

‘For now, but she’s still pushing forward.’

‘If you ever need a listening ear, Sienna, I’m only a phone call away. If I don’t get to see you earlier in the day on Saturday, I’ll be quiet when I let myself in. And I’m cooking breakfast on Sunday morning – deal?’

‘Deal.’

Oliver clears his throat. ‘Good. And that other matter from the weekend. Did you manage to get it sorted?’

‘Yes. I did exactly what I was asked to do and left it at that.’

‘That’s probably for the best. By the way, I sent your mum and Greg a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates yesterday, as a thank you for putting me up. It was a fun weekend.’

‘Fun?’ I burst out laughing.

‘It’s not often I get to chat to anyone about fishing, that’s for sure. Anyway, if we don’t speak before, I’ll see you at the weekend. Take care, Sienna.’

Do you know that feeling? The one where you awaken feeling refreshed after dropping into bed the previous night so exhausted that you’re convinced you won’t be able to sleep? Well, that’s me on this bright and frosty Saturday morning.

Lately, it’s felt as if life has been constantly throwing me curve balls and the minute I bat one away, the next one is incoming. After a really productive week – where I managed to catch up on a backlog of paperwork – and with a leisurely weekend ahead of me, I’m beginning to feel a bit more like my old self. I’m not sure it’s the same one Daniela was referring to as, quite frankly, I don’t think she exists anymore. I’m evolving … albeit ever so slowly.

A brisk walk before breakfast helps to clear my mind and it occurs to me that, in some respects, Elizabeth might be feeling the same way. The old me had plans to settle down and I thought my future was all mapped out. Starting afresh is daunting and it’s the same for her. But people don’t always understand that having gone through a major event in our lives, how can it ever be the same again? It changes us. Elizabeth is learning to live her life without Freddie next to her and I have some big decisions to make about my future, because, at the moment, I’m treading water.

I spend a while perched on a lichen-covered rock, just gazing out over the estuary. The problem is that I don’t have a plan for the future. The harder I think, the more my brain begins to hurt. I tilt my head back, staring up at a line of small, fluffy white clouds as they aimlessly drift by.

‘Daydreaming?’ A voice interrupts my concentration. ‘That’s not like you!’

‘Hello, Harry. How’re you doing?’

‘Good, ta. I’ve just finished doing my rounds in the village and I like a bit of a walk before I head back to the farm for the second run. I see your grandma and Elizabeth have upped the order again this weekend. Seems like things are getting back into some sort of routine at the Hall again.’

‘Yes, and with the arrangements for the Christmas party in full flow, it’s livened things up a little.’

‘It’s about time. Life’s for the living and it’s a lot shorter than we think.’

I shuffle over, patting the rock to indicate for him to join me. ‘Sad, but true. This view never disappoints. No matter what the weather, it always takes my breath away.’

‘I see there’s comings and goings up at the barn, too. I bumped into Oliver, and he told me that they’re doing a run-through of the play. I thought you were involved in it?’

I shake my head. ‘No, I just lent a hand painting a few things, that’s all. The carts cleaned up really well.’

‘And I thought they were only fit for the bonfire,’ he chuckles. ‘Anyway … how are you doing these days?’

Harry has known me all my life and a casual ‘I’m fine’ won’t do. ‘Confused and heartily fed up with change.’

He grins at me. ‘Can’t say I’m surprised; it’s been one heck of a year for you. But you’re a survivor. You’ll figure it out.’

‘I do hope that’s the case, but at the moment I’m struggling. I can’t make a plan when I don’t know what I want.’ Sometimes the truth is scary but it’s good to admit that.

‘You’re getting a bit of pressure, are you?’

I give a little groan. ‘Hmm … not really. I just don’t like people worrying about me. Besides, it’s high time I stopped feeling sorry for myself.’

Harry does a belly laugh. ‘ You , feeling sorry for yourself when you’re busy running yourself ragged to keep everyone else around you ticking over?’

‘Well, it’s more the why me syndrome, I suppose. As in, how did I manage to mess up again?’

‘Did you? Stuff happens. Things go wrong. People move out of your life and new ones come in. You left Darlingham and then you came back. Then you left again, I know it was only a few miles away … but now here you are. The trick is to suss out what makes you happy.’

Harry’s the sort of man who doesn’t suffer fools gladly and he has the height, and the muscle, to make someone think twice about upsetting him. Even so, he has a gentle nature.

‘It’s as simple as that?’ I question, trying hard not to sound dubious.

‘I’m speaking from experience. The wife wanted me to retire early, which I did and six months later I was back working on the farm. Oh, she was right. With our son now running things the pressure is off me, but pottering around the house decorating and trimming the hedges was never going to keep me occupied.’

He smiles and I nod my head in agreement. ‘Every single thing you do is appreciated, Harry. I know that.’

‘Hmm … it is. I like helping out with the early-morning deliveries and pottering around clearing the accumulation of junk in the old barns. It keeps me out of mischief for a few hours every day and the wife is glad to get me out of the house.’ He chuckles to himself.

I take a slow breath in and hold it for a few seconds before letting it go. ‘I’ve lived here most of my life but now that Mum is down in Cornwall it all feels different.’

‘Like something is missing, I should imagine.’

‘Precisely!’

‘But you seem happy enough doing what you do, and Elizabeth couldn’t manage without you, neither could your grandma.’

It’s funny, Oliver was sort of saying the same thing. ‘Feeling needed is all I have at the moment, Harry. But am I settling for the easiest option because I’m scared to take a risk and see what else life has to offer?’

‘From what I’ve seen, you aren’t scared of anything, Sienna. You rise to every challenge that comes your way, and you’ll have a go at anything. Not a lot of people can say that.’

He glances at his watch.

‘I’d best get back. I’m hoping to take two van-loads to the tip this morning before I finish. I’m glad I bumped into you, though. It’s not often we get to chat about real stuff.’

‘It’s the same for me.’

Harry stands, taking one last look out across the fields behind us. ‘Some people are born adventurers, others are homebodies, as my old mother used to refer to herself. She was a hard-working woman and my father worshipped her. She ran the house, the family and the finances, and he always said she was the kingpin of our family. Don’t underestimate your skills, my dear, just because they come easy to you. Big cities don’t suit everyone, and that’s the truth. And I’ll, uh, give you a shout if I stumble on any more old treasures I think might be of interest to you.’

‘Thanks, Harry. And for the pep talk. Enjoy the rest of your day!’

After an invigorating walk, I decide it’s time to turn my attention to cleaning and making the cottage sparkle. It doesn’t take long to dust and vacuum from top to bottom and double-check there are enough towels in the guest shower room.

However, it does set me thinking that it would be nice to have a bit more space to spread out. I’d love a separate study with a desk and a centrally heated utility room, rather than a chilly old stone outhouse, to accommodate my washing machine and clothes dryer.

By the time I end up settling down on the sofa with a tray of goodies, I can’t wait to immerse myself in a series about a young vet from Bristol, who moves to a small practice in Lancashire. Several hours later, I’ve laughed, cried, gasped out loud and found myself wondering why on earth I don’t have a furry companion of my own. Some of the stories are heartwarming, others heartbreaking and even though it’s fiction, it’s easy to suss out that a lot of this is based on anecdotal information.

When the phone goes, I reluctantly press pause on the remote, until I see that it’s Oliver calling. ‘Hi, how’s it going?’

‘Good. I’ve had to reposition the cart so there’s more room centre stage. Ruby has been amazing as a stand-in for the two children and it’s obvious they’re going to need a bit more space to move around in. The ball works great and using that tree as a central support means it’s really stable. I’m just calling about the lamp post … I don’t suppose Harry has mentioned it?’

‘Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry. It’s in the stable block. He wrapped it up in old sacks as he ended up spraying it black and he was worried the paint might chip.’

‘Good man!’

‘It’s rather heavy and it took two of them to carry it across the car park. Victor should be around, and he won’t mind giving you a hand. I’ll text you his number.’

‘Thanks, and sorry for disturbing you. How is your marathon TV day going?’

‘I haven’t laughed so much in ages, although it’s been a bit sad in places, so I had to grab the tissues. And now I’m desperate to get a dog.’

‘A dog?’ Oliver repeats, laughing.

‘I’ll explain when I see you; there’s a chance I could still be up.’

‘It sounds like you’re having fun. I’ll see you later.’

It’s just after nine o’clock when a sharp tap on the door knocker makes me jump. I know I said I’d be up, but Oliver could still have let himself in, I reflect, as I stride into the hallway. But when I swing open the door, it’s Liam I see standing there, looking very ill at ease.

‘Sienna. How … um … how are you?’ I freeze, unable to move or speak. ‘I’m sorry. I know it’s late, but I was passing, and I thought I’d drop by.’ He shuffles from foot to foot, awkwardly.

‘I … I see.’

‘Can I come in for a moment?’

I’m blocking his way, but I don’t feel inclined to take a step backwards. ‘You aren’t passing, Liam. Unless you’re going for a stroll in the dark.’

He hangs his head, avoiding eye contact. ‘We need to talk.’

‘No, we don’t,’ I reply, emphatically. A slight shiver begins to run through me as the chilly night air drifts inside, but I don’t move an inch.

‘I’ve come to my senses. It’s you I love; I always did but things got a bit—’ He casts around for the right word.

‘What’s the word you’re looking for … stale? Boring? We’re done, Liam. You made your choice, and it wasn’t me. And instead of telling me, you left it to someone else to break the news. There’s no going back from that sort of hurt.’

‘But now I see it for what it was, just a stupid fling and it’s over. Please don’t shut—’

‘Sienna, is everything all right?’ Oliver’s voice looms up in the darkness and Liam’s jaw drops, as he turns to face my visitor.

‘Yes, Oliver. Liam is just going.’

The two men stare at each other for a few moments and Oliver doesn’t flinch, giving Liam no option other than to mutter a brief, ‘Goodnight’ and walk away. I immediately stand back and Oliver, with his overnight bag in one hand, follows me inside.

Once I hear the door slam shut, I slump against the wall, my legs trembling. ‘I don’t believe that just happened!’ I exclaim, sounding a little breathless.

‘So, that was your ex.’

‘Yes. I can’t believe he had the audacity to turn up unannounced like that. I’m livid. Sorry, my nerves are in tatters, and I’d better sit down before my legs give out.’

What a situation for Oliver to walk into.

‘Go and collapse on the sofa and I’ll make us both a hot drink. I’ve had quite an evening of it myself.’

‘Thanks. I’ll have a chamomile tea, you’ll find them in the cupboard above the kettle,’ I reply, feeling like the worst host ever but I need a few moments to compose myself.

‘Sensible choice; I think I’ll join you.’ He grins back at me.

By the time Oliver places the mugs down on the coffee table in front of me, I’m feeling a lot calmer.

‘Your timing was impeccable,’ I giggle. ‘You have no idea how grateful I am, because I wasn’t expecting you this early.’

‘No. I bowed out apologetically, saying I was shattered after a heavy week. Does Liam turn up on your doorstep often?’

I can tell from his expression there’s more to his little story, but he’s looking at me expectantly.

‘I’ve had no personal contact with him at all since the day I packed my bags and walked out – only a string of text messages he started sending me after the new love of his life dumped him. I chose not to respond and ended up blocking him. Oh … I bet I look awful, too!’ My hand instinctively goes up to my hair, which is piled on top my head in a messy updo, fastened with a scrunchy. Wearing a pair of leggings with a baggy old jumper thrown over the top, I’m not exactly dressed to receive visitors, or to face a confrontation.

‘You look cosy and warm. Besides, you’re entitled to lounge around in your own home,’ Oliver insists.

‘Yes, but wouldn’t it have been fun if I’d been all dressed up?’ I muse. ‘Anyway, I’m not falling for it. Liam’s fickle; he had his chance, and he blew it. Why would I trust him again?’

Oliver shakes his head. ‘When something is over you just know, don’t you?’

I look at him askance. Is he talking about me, or him?

‘Yes, you do. And I’m glad he turned up like that, out of the blue. My first thought was, why are you bothering me after all this time? Seeing him again unexpectedly there was nothing there … no moment of hesitation and no regrets.’ Actually, it’s a relief. I knew it was highly likely that at some point in the future our paths might cross again, but I had no idea how I’d react. And now I know for sure.

Oliver sits opposite me in the armchair I inherited from Mum’s old house, cradling his mug.

‘You look a bit dazed,’ I comment.

‘It shows, does it?’

‘I’d be lying if I didn’t say yes.’

‘Daniela was tense during dinner. I think she and Nigel had words in the kitchen just before we sat down to eat. There was an edginess between them I’ve not seen before. Unfortunately, I was sitting opposite him, so I tried my best to avoid any eye contact. Maybe we were all a bit too hyped up, you know what I mean? It was like a class reunion. We’d had a good day, so we were all on a high and he wasn’t.’

‘Hmm. Maybe he felt a little left out?’ I suggest.

‘Perhaps, but it was Daniela’s reaction that got me. She was subdued and kept glancing at him nervously.’ Oliver sounds troubled.

‘Couples have their off days,’ I reassure him. ‘Nigel has a stressful job and with Daniela now working part-time, it’s a period of adjustment for them both.’

‘Whatever it is, he’s not happy about something.’

Nigel was so keen for Daniela to carve out some time to expand her horizons; does this mean he’s already backtracking on that decision?

It’s time to talk about something a little happier. ‘How was the rehearsal?’

‘Great. And the lamp post is simply perfect. Everyone was impressed with the set.’

‘Of course they were, it’s amazing. When’s the next rehearsal?’

‘Mostly we’ll run through the script via video calls. In the run-up to the performance we’ll have the full cast on site for a day of tech and dress rehearsals.’

‘It’s beginning to feel very real now, isn’t it?’

‘It sure is. The wardrobe lady came in. Ruby took the seamstress around to Mrs Jessop’s to sort out the children.’

‘Oh, so it’s more or less all set up now?’

‘Yes. I managed to get the lamp post in situ and make a couple of adjustments to the positioning of the cart and the two sledges. Everyone seems happy. Now we just need to learn the words all over again.’ He rolls his eyes.

‘You can’t remember them?’

‘Bits, but it’s been a long, long time. And you know Daniela, she gave us all a revised version as she’s been tinkering with it. She’s such a perfectionist, but that’s who she is.’

We lapse into silence. He’ll never forget his first love; as for me, I’ll never forgive mine for taking something I thought was special and trashing it.

‘Did you just groan?’ Oliver asks, staring at me.

‘Sorry. I wasn’t aware … I was just thinking.’

‘In which case, it can’t have been good,’ he jests, lightly.

‘Actually, it was good. Seeing Liam and realising there is no going back for me is liberating.’

Oliver stares across at me and I realise I’m smiling as if I’ve just scratched off a winning lottery ticket. Grandma and Mum have the courage to make major changes in their lives and I do, too. Unless Grandma changes her mind, River View Cottage here I come! And, before I forget, there’s something I must ask Oliver, but I have to wait for the right moment to pose the question. Perhaps I’ll leave it until tomorrow morning.