Chapter 20

It had been a few hours since Cathleen had seen Macauley, but she already missed him terribly. The mere thought that she could never be with him filled her with longing and regret. The way he had looked at her, shocked and betrayed, that made her stomach churn.

She had completely betrayed his trust. She had broken his heart along with her own.

Cathleen was still in disbelief about Macauley asking her to marry him. It had come as such a surprise that she still struggled to wrap her head around the request. In another life, the two of them could have been happy. They could have spent their lives together, having a family of their own, growing old with each other, but in this one, she would never see him again.

He had promised her he would find Bonnie, but Cathleen couldn't get him any more involved than he already was. She didn't deserve his assistance and besides, he could barely stand to look at her. She had seen the disgust in his eyes, the way he had looked at her as though he wished they had never met—and perhaps he did wish that. It would have all been easier for him if Cathleen had never come into his life. In fact, it would have been easier for Cathleen herself if she had never fallen in love with him.

Would it have made Faolan's plan any easier? Nay, at least nae a lot.

Even if Cathleen had never met Macauley, she still wouldn't have managed to do as Faolan wanted. It wasn't only him she never wanted to betray—it was also Deirdre and Kian, the two people who had treated her and Bonnie so kindly, opening their home to them and taking them in without ever asking any questions.

Deirdre's acceptance of her still baffled Cathleen. Deirdre never accused her of a single thing. She never doubted her, not even when she had very good reason to think of her as the enemy and though Cathleen would never harm her, she couldn't help but worry that someone else could come along who wouldn't have the best intentions. Just because Cathleen had decided she wouldn't help Faolan, it didn't mean that he wouldn't find a different way to get what he wanted, and so she had to act fast.

She had to act fast without anyone's help. The Drummonds had already gone through enough because of her. This was Cathleen's mess, and she was the one who had to fix it.

She waited until that afternoon, wiling the hours away in the healer's quarters, before she made her way to Kian's study. Throughout those hours, she had worried that someone would come and grab her, throw her out of the castle like she deserved, but no one had come for her—not even Macauley or Deirdre. Instead, she had been entirely alone with her thoughts, trying to keep herself sane in the silence of the room.

The guards paid her no mind as she walked through the castle. When she reached Kian's study, she knocked on the door and waited for him to summon her before entering to find him sitting behind his desk. He didn't appear surprised to see her. If anything, he seemed to have been expecting her.

"Cathleen… sit, please," he said, pointing at the chair across from him.

Hesitantly, Cathleen did as she was told, perching herself on the edge of the chair as though she expected to have to flee at any moment. Kian didn't appear to be angry, but then again, it was difficult to tell what expression he wore behind that mask which concealed half of his face. Surely, he had to be furious. Surely, he knew.

"Did Macauley tell ye?" she asked, not knowing what else to say.

"Nay," Kian said. "Deirdre did. She didnae wish tae tell me at first, but I ken me wife an' I kent somethin' was wrong. An' then Macauley told me."

Cathleen nodded, bile rising to the back of her throat. Kian was too calm and collected and that scared her more than any display of rage ever could.

"I am terribly sorry," she said, though she knew it made little difference. What good were words after what she had done? "I ken there is naething I can dae tae fix this, but I wanted ye tae ken I will never dae anythin' tae hurt ye or Deirdre. Foalan's plans… I never wanted tae dae what he asked of me, I swear. I never wanted tae cause any harm, even if I came here with the intention o' doin' so. Once I met ye an' yer wife, I kent I could never dae it."

"Had this happened a year ago, I would have thrown ye in the dungeons," Kian said, leaning back in his seat as those piercing eyes stared at Cathleen. "An' I would have had yer head fer what ye've done. But me wife has made me a better person. She helped me understand why ye did what ye did an' though it did hurt me tae find out about everything, I forgive ye, Cathleen. Both Deirdre an' I had tae dae things we wouldn't have wanted tae fer the people we love an' though I wish things were different, I cannae blame ye fer what ye did. I think I would have done the same had I been in yer position."

Once again, Cathleen could hardly believe the kindness these people were showing her. Kian had every right to throw her in the dungeons and have her head, just like he said he would have done. He had every right to be angry and to want revenge, but here he was, offering her his forgiveness.

"I cannae thank ye enough," Cathleen said, trying to swallow around the lump in her throat. She had been crying for several days in a row and she found there were no more tears left, but that didn't mean it didn't feel as though they would come. "Ye've done so much fer me an' me sister an' now ye even give me yer forgiveness when I dinnae deserve it. But I've already taken too much from ye. I decided I am leavin'. I dinnae wish tae waste any more o' yer time or yer resources. Macauley offered tae help me find Bonnie, but I have a plan. I will dae it on me own."

"I dinnae think that is very wise," Kian said. "Ye've said yerself that Laird MacLaren is a dangerous man. Will he hesitate tae harm ye an' Bonnie if it gets him what he wants?"

"He willnae," Cathleen confirmed. If anything, he would hurt her and her sister just for the pleasure of it. The only reason he had kept them unharmed so far was because for the most part, he ignored them, and also because he feared the council. His place as the laird of the clan wasn't solid enough yet. Now that he had Bonnie, though, Cathleen knew there was more he could do to harm her than maiming her. "But ye have already done so much fer us. I cannae ask ye fer anythin' else. I will be gone this evenin' an' I'd like ye tae tell Macauley somethin' fer me if ye can."

"What dae ye want me tae tell him?"

"Tell him… tell him I love him," Cathleen said. She had already told Macauley she did, but she wanted him to hear it one last time. "Tell him I'm sorry fer all the pain I've caused him an' that I wish things were different."

"I think ye should tell him yerself," Kian said.

Just as he spoke, the door opened and Macauley walked inside. When their gazes met, Cathleen couldn't bear to look at him for more than a few seconds. Grief welled up inside her at the thought of what could have been had they only met under different circumstances.

She had tried to avoid him that day, planning to leave without ever seeing him again, but now her plan had been thwarted. She had no choice but to be in his presence, regardless of how much it hurt.

"I have a plan," Macauley said. He sounded weary, as though he had hardly slept at all the previous night.

"I also have a plan," Cathleen said, gathering her wits about her and standing up to confront him. This was more important than her heartbreak. She had to make sure Macauley wasn't any more involved in this. "I will be leavin' soon. Ye dinnae need tae search fer Bonnie. I will find her meself."

The look Macauley gave her was an unimpressed one, full of doubt. He didn't need to speak for Cathleen to know he doubted she could do anything to save her sister, powerless as she was on her own against Faolan. She had thought about it, too, but in the end, going to him on her own seemed like the best option.

"Ye will dae nay such thing," Macauley insisted. "Sit down an' listen tae me."

Cathleen glanced at Kian, but he only shrugged, providing her with no help against Macauley. For a moment, she considered leaving the castle immediately anyway, but that was bound to only make him angrier.

She had already caused him enough trouble and stubborn as he was, Cathleen feared he would follow her. The least she could do was hear him out, and so she sat once more, listening to his plan.

All that truly matters is that Bonnie an' these people are safe. Naething else.