37

As far as plans go, this one is probably terrible.

By ‘probably terrible', I mean it is one hundred percent, most certainly, positively awful and will most likely end in catastrophe.

But I'm tired.

Tired of waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

Tired of being afraid, and tired of expecting others to fix my mistakes.

Tired.

Just so goddamned tired.

The breadcrumbs I've been leaving behind have been carefully placed over the past few days, and if I don't make a move now, I'm certain I never will. My life would forever be filled with anxiety, glancing over my shoulder and dreading the inevitable moment when the other shoe drops.

If I'm worried about shoes, I'd rather decide if my legs look better in combat boots or platform heels.

The answer is boots, if you're curious… I never have been a fan of heels.

I drive across town and pull into the cafe parking lot, smiling at Kayla, my favorite barista, as I walk towards the counter.

"Theo! I feel like it's been forever since I've seen you!" Grateful for her friendly smile, I cling to it, savoring the much-needed comfort it offers while it lasts.

"I've been staying at my boyfriend's place across town, so I haven't been able to swing by as often. Have you missed me?"

"Of course I have! Do you want your usual?"

"Yes, please," I singsong as I blow her a kiss, dropping into an armchair while I wait for my order to be called. Trying to calm my pounding heart, I scroll through social media, filled with doubts about whether I'm making the right decision.

It is the right decision, isn't it?

If it gives me back my peace of mind, it must be.

I'm so trapped in my thoughts that I don't even hear my name when she calls it, and I jump a mile when a hand lands on my shoulder. My eyes are wide as I twist, and Kayla yanks her hand back. "Shit, sorry, Theo. I assumed you were wearing earbuds or something."

"No, it's not your fault I was daydreaming," I say, forcing a smile. She hands me my drink and I follow her to the counter to pay. I hang around for a few more minutes, nerves causing my skin to crawl as I build up the courage to leave.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I glance to find Dante's name on the screen. "Fuck," I mutter. He must've gotten home sooner than expected. Riddled with guilt and hating the way I'm making him worry, I silence my ringer and tuck my phone away.

"I'm sorry," I whisper out loud, letting the air carry my words.

The jolt to my system allows me to break out of this state of paralysis and force my legs to move. I step outside into the chilly fall afternoon, wrapping my coat tighter around my body and lifting my steaming cup to my lips to let the warmth blow over my skin.

I walk past my car to the crosswalk, standing with the small group of people as I wait for the seconds to tick down. It seems like an eternity until the little white man pops up on the sign, letting us know we can cross.

The vibrations in my pocket resume, and I wrap my fingers around the phone and squeeze, as if by doing so I could soothe some of the ache I'm causing him. Once again, I silence the ringer, and this time switch it to do not disturb.

"I'm so fucking sorry," I mutter, my knuckles turning white as I grip my phone.

Two blocks later, the greenery of Madison Park comes into view. Even with the cold, the sun casts a warm glow over my skin and there's no wind, so people mill around, taking advantage of the mild day by walking their dogs or jogging. The crowd eases a bit of the panic that's building in my gut.

The last sip of coffee warms my mouth as I tilt it up, relishing the rich flavor before discarding the empty cup into the trash. My destination comes into sight, and like they're lasers burning into my skin, I sense eyes on me.

I don't search for them. If I find them, I'll chicken out.

The bench gets closer as I shove my shaking hands into my pockets, gripping my phone as I turn and sink down onto the wooden slats. I pull it out and stare blindly at the screen, watching the minutes on the clock tick by.

A snap of a twig behind me makes my eyes squeeze shut for just a moment as a shadow falls over my shoulder. Every cell in my body fights me as I stand, turning around with my chin held high.

"Hello, Theo."