Chapter 78

Chapter 78

Alaric

Nat was breaking my heart.

I held her cradled in my arms, unable to hold her too tightly lest I crush her, and for a moment I just listened to her breath. Too hard, too fast, like she had just run a marathon, but by increments it began to slow. Her head rolled onto my arm, and that little wiggle to nestle in closer was everything I needed. It was almost as if I could feel each one of her muscles relaxing, and when hers did, so did mine. But of course that could never actually happen, could it? She couldn't be allowed to just sleep like every other person. Something happened and the babies started crying again, and she came to with a start.

"The babies?—!"

"Are fine," I assured her, my grip tightening. "They've just been fed. The twins have them. You're fine."

I knew a bloke that survived a horrific workplace accident. A beam crushed his legs, but killed several of his team, and he witnessed all of it. I saw the same haunted look in Nat's eyes as I had in his when we talked. He'd discussed never being able to relax, always being on alert, his nervous system sure it needed to be watching at all times to see if anything worse was about to happen, but… That hypervigilance sucked all the joy out of life, because right alongside that understandable urge was a knowledge that there was no way to anticipate every bad thing.

Nat wanted to protect our children with every fibre of her being, but if she didn't let herself rest, she'd never allow herself to actually enjoy them. I stroked a hand through her hair and then tucked her in closer.

"Take a deep breath with me."

"What? No, I need?—"

"To take a deep breath with me." When we were first mated, I'd felt it, the moment our heart rate synchronised. Sometimes it felt the same air was being passed back and forth between us, but not now. My heart felt slow and ponderous, ground down by the insanity of raising twins, and she… Hers was like a bird's, just as frantic, just as fragile. I needed my heart to come back to life and hers to rest a little. My fingers laced through hers and I gave her hand a squeeze. "Please?"

Her eyes rolled up to meet mine and she stared for a moment before nodding. Air whistled through her lips as she sucked in a breath, then let it whoosh out as she shot me a dark look.

"Done. Now can I go and check on the babies?"

"Why can't Koda do it?" My voice broke on that, because she didn't realise. Natalie had been trying so hard to do everything, it left us with nothing but a feeling of hopelessness. "Why not Thorn? They are the kids' fathers. We are the kids' fathers."

"Because… Because…" Her throat worked and so did her limbs, like an animal trying to free itself from a trap, but I couldn't let her skate away from this. I was trying my damndest to take her lead and support her in any way I could, but right now I couldn't stand by and watch her hurt herself anymore. "Because it's my job. I'm the mother. I'm supposed to know, aren't I?" I'd never heard my mate sound so vicious, but the blade of her anger wasn't directed at me, but herself. "I grew the babies in my belly."

"You did and you were amazing," I replied, because her pregnancy was pretty chill. Her energy levels remained pretty good and she didn't have a lot of morning sickness or anything. "Watching you give birth… I've never seen anyone so brave, so magnificent, as when you brought the boys into the world."

"That was the easy part." Her voice was ragged now. "I didn't know it then, but that was a breeze. I just had to eat regularly and do some exercise, take my vitamins and go for checkups, but…" Our eyes met. "Then they were born. I was left with two little people who'll die if I don't look after them right, and I thought that this part would be just as easy, but it's not."

Tears filled her eyes, but not one fell free, not even when my thumb moved to brush it away.

"It's not, Ric. They feed well, but they need feeding every hour of the day, and I can't get them to sleep because once I've settled Kai, Sven wakes him up or vice versa. I keep getting told to sleep when the babies do, but I can't. I really can't. Every time I try to relax, I get jerked awake and now I just lie there in bed, my eyes burning because they're so sore and my head hurts too much for me to sleep. And anyway, what's the fucking point when they're just going to wake me up again shortly?"

Fuck, my heart ached right now and I held her close, trying to stroke her in long slow movements to soothe her, but I felt like I needed the same. Hopelessness, that hit me first, then shame. She was my mate, so how had we gotten here? How had things gotten so desperate? But as I heard the muffled sounds of the rest of my family moving around the house, I realised that didn't matter. It was what we did going forward that mattered.

"We're going to get through this together," I told her, my voice vibrating with certainty.

"You've got the business?—"

This was a familiar refrain with Nat. Before the pregnancy, I'd never thought of her being especially focussed on traditional gender roles, but something had happened. Home was her domain, her responsibility, while also being a millstone around her neck and work was ours.

Well, no more.

"Do you trust me?" Her brow creased. "Do you trust me, Nat?" She nodded on automatic, but that would never be enough. "I've run that business for years and worked in it for longer, when my dads were still in charge. There's no part of Burns Restorations that I don't understand, so when I tell you this, I need you to understand that. We're not going in to work." Her lips parted, ready to protest, but I charged on. "We're not going anywhere. All four of us talked, and the only place we want to be is here with you and the kids, and that's just what we're going to do."

I didn't expect Nat to be grateful, or even happy about this news. We'd intended to break it to her later, but even with that in mind, I'd never anticipated this. Her bottom lip quivered and then her face screwed up. She was sobbing silently before, but now? A howl that seemed to come from the depths of her soul rang out through the house, right before she flung herself at my chest and wailed.

Tears dampened my shirt, making it stick to my skin, but I was never so glad to see my mate crying. It felt like the rain that finally came after the storm clouds had been massing overhead for so long. Lightning might strike and thunder might roll, but it was only after that was done that the sun could come out. I held her through everything, telling her all the things I'd wanted to before but she couldn't seem to hear. How amazing and brilliant and incredible she was, as everything seemed to empty out of her. And most amazing of all, when her tears dried out and her breath evened out again, they grew slower and quieter. I watched my beautiful, brave, gorgeous mate fall asleep in my arms and for now, that was enough. I held her in my arms and for an hour or two she slept, actually slept, making everything seem possible.