17. Blaise

Why do I even bother when all he does is turn me away? More importantly, why do I even care? Why do I want to storm back to his room and hurt him like he hurts me? So many fucking questions without answers.

I drive my fist into the wall, but the pain barely touches the rising anger inside me. Is that what this is? Anger? I don’t fucking know.

“Are you okay, Blaise?” Rachel asks as I thunder down the stairs.

I storm past, biting back the clogging sensation rising inside me. My chest feels too small to contain whatever shit this is. Is it supposed to hurt like this? To be this hard to breathe? I emerge into the afternoon air and pause outside the front door, trying to inhale a ragged breath, but it catches in my throat. The backs of my eyes burn. Before I know what the hell is going on, my chin wobbles, so I crouch down and fist my short hair until my scalp prickles. The urge is there to scream, but I squeeze my eyes shut instead. Is life always like this? Polar opposites? First, I felt nothing, and now this…tumultuous roar in my head? The pain becomes almost unbearable, and I punch my skull.

What do I want?

Did I want Cole to let me in? To trust me and stop looking at me like he hates me? Or do I want to stop feeling and return to the emotionless, bored shell I was before he came into the picture?

What’s wrong with me? Why the fuck do I let him affect me like this? No one should have this control over me, let alone my own stepbrother.

I punch my head again before shooting to my feet and walking down the street without direction. Well, that’s not true. I wipe tears from my eyes and dig my phone out of my pocket. Cole texted me an address and a time.

Gritting my teeth, I crush the phone in my hand and glance at the setting sun in the distance. A myriad of orange, pink, and purple streaks paint the sky. I shouldn’t let him chase me again. Why the hell should I play his games? My thoughts drift, and I bury my hands in my pockets.

With my eyes on my scuffed Chucks, I walk with my head down, kicking up rocks. I wonder what he’s doing now. Is he hiding under his bed again? I overheard his mom talking to my dad about it, who grumbled under his breath. It was the first time I wanted to bang my dad’s head against the wall. But I didn’t give it much thought back then. Dad was Dad, and I was used to his eye rolls and dismissive sighs. I never thought it was something…more.

After sliding my phone back out, I bring up Mia’s number.

Music drifts through the open window of a red sedan as my steps slow. I press the phone to my head, watching it drive past.

Mia answers on the third ring. “Blaise, where did you go? You ran out of the house and…” Her voice drifts into the distance as I watch a bird dip sideways in the mild breeze. “Blaise?”

I hang up, then lower my phone by my side.

I feel nothing for Mia. In fact, I could break up with her now and not care. What do I make of that? On the one hand, it’s safe. She can’t hurt me by slamming doors in my face. No, this storm inside me belongs solely to my infuriating stepbrother, as if he has laid a damn claim on my emotions.

I’ve lost my fucking compass.

Blowing out a tired sigh, I cut my gaze from the sky. Fuck this. I’ll give him one more fucking chance. Maybe it’s better to hurt than feel nothing at all? If he wants to cut me wide open with his games of hide and seek, who am I to stop him? It’s not like I have a choice.

I kick a rock before running a hand down my face. What am I doing?

My conflicting thoughts war the whole way there. Once I reach the abandoned train bridge, as per his instructions, I lean my elbows on the rusty railing and gaze out over the water. Undercurrents ripple the surface as the sun dips behind the fir trees in the distance.

The longer I wait, the more the burn in my chest intensifies. I clench my jaw and fix my gaze on the horizon.

He will show.

He has to show.

But he doesn’t.

Soon, darkness settles over the river, and the silvery moon rises in the sky, reflecting off the glassy surface. In the distance, a chorus of bird caws echoes off the water. I dip my chin to my chest and breathe through the throb behind my ribcage.

He shut the door on me again.

I’m done.

So fucking done.

He wants me to back off? Fine. He can have his damn wish. I don’t even know why the hell I tried to build a bridge in the first place. He confounds me.

“Blaise?” a voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I look up to see Jackson approach me on the bridge. “What are you doing here?” he asks.

His dark jeans hang low on his hips, and a sliver of skin shows when he scratches the back of his neck.

“I could ask you the same,” I reply, straightening up and leaning an elbow against the railing.

He chuckles and shrugs as he steps closer. I’ll admit that he’s a good-looking guy, and his red backward cap adds to his allure. The girls flock to him like flies to a pile of shit. But he’s not Cole, and that thought pisses me the fuck off.

“I got kicked off the football team,” he says, leaning beside me against the railing. “My dad didn’t take the news well.” He peers at me sideways, and I make no secret of studying his face. Why the fuck am I so hung up on Cole? I feel nothing for Mia and can’t even muster a spark of interest in Jackson.

“It’s fine,” he says, looking out across the water.

“You can punch me if you want,” I reply, and he looks back at me. “It might make you feel better.”

We stare at each other for a beat, and then he chuckles.

“Why are you here?” he asks.

“I’m here for the birdsong,” I joke as he turns back to face the water. He’s smiling now, and I don’t know what to make of the look he tosses my way.

“Cole hates you, huh?”

My shackles rise at his question, but I keep my face neutral as I shrug and cross my arms. “It’s not a secret.”

“Secrets,” he muses, lifting a brow before he straightens up and inches closer. I can’t read him. Alarm bells blare, and I watch him pull his phone from his pocket. The shrill dial tone soon cuts through the birdsong in the distance, and my eyes widen when Cole’s voice drifts through the speaker.

“Jackson?”

“Hey, man. What are you doing?”

Cole sounds like he’s talking around a mouthful of food. “Watching TV.”

“Yeah? I caught a rabbit.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Jackson grabs my neck and jostles me. “Say hi to your brother, Blaise.”

Chuckling, I shove him away, but I’m not amused. Not even a little.

“Hear that?” Jackson asks Cole. “Let Blaise’s dad know he might be home after curfew.” Then he hangs up before Cole can reply and shoves the phone into his pocket.

My mouth falls open, and I blink at him.

“You can thank me later.” Leaning back against the railing, he kicks his foot up behind him.

“Thank you for what?”

“Now your parents won’t worry about you,” he replies with a shrug, but I don’t miss the note of amusement in his tone. “What’s up with you and Mia?”

With a frown, I bend down to pick up a stray rock. “What do you mean?” I pull my arm back and send the rock flying.

“Are you solid?”

“Solid?”

A warm breeze teases the hairs at my nape. The temperature is dropping rapidly now that the night is drawing in. I haven’t even checked the time. Overhead, stars twinkle, and crickets sing in the tall grass.

I freeze when Jackson corners me against the railing and puts his hand on my bulge.

What the⁠—

“I like you, Blaise.”

My brain is slow to catch up. What does he think he’s doing?

I grab his wrist and remove it from my soft dick. “Don’t ever touch me again.”

Skin crawling, I suppress a shiver.

Jackson laughs under his breath, unperturbed by my icy stare. “Solid…I get it. Worth a shot, though.”

When I get home,it’s late—much later than I intended. The house is quiet, and the lights are out.

After Jackson left, I dug my phone out of my pocket. Cole tried to ring me twice, but didn’t leave a voice message. I stared at the missed call notifications for a long time, cursing myself for wondering why he tried to contact me after slamming the bedroom door in my face. It couldn’t be because of Jackson, right? I squashed that thought. Cole hates me. My dad most likely asked him to check up on me, like he does sometimes, much to Cole’s annoyance.

I’m old enough to stay out all night if I want to, but my dad and stepmom still like to know where I am.

I bypass my bedroom and walk on light feet to Cole’s room, carefully avoiding the creaky floorboards. It’s not as easy now that I’m older and pack a lot more muscle.

My brain screams at me to turn back, but like an addict on crack, I crave one more hit. Just one.

I pause outside his bedroom door and press my ear to the wood. It’s quiet on the other side. I should hope so; it’s in the dead of night.

Cole’s room is dark when the door creaks open. My heart pounds and sweat clings to my nape. Isn’t it funny how he sets me alight like this?

I pause at the threshold, seeing his sleeping form on the bed. Seconds pass while I listen to his breathing. Each soft exhale calms the storm.

Before I can change my mind, I walk deeper into the room. Just one more hit. One more taste.

Pausing at his bedside, I sweep my eyes over the muscles in his back. The quilt pools at his narrow waist, low enough to reveal the top of his boxers. I step closer and pause. Something sticks out from under the bed. Frowning, I crouch down to pull it out.

It’s Cole’s bag, and it’s unzipped.

Swallowing, I remove the mask and turn it over in my hands. It looks grotesque in the dark, and a chill slithers down my spine when I recall Cole chasing me—the sheer thrill of his pounding footsteps, every ragged breath that escaped my lungs.

I trail my thumb over the crack, and my lips curve. Cole’s a sneaky little fucker. What is it about this mask that allows him to hide from himself?

Intrigue wins out, and I slide it on before rising to my feet. Cole is still on his front, with his arms beneath the pillow. My breaths puff against the plastic as I watch him. It must be nice to enjoy the reprieve dreams allow. Meanwhile, I’ve spent the night haunted by his cruel words and clinging to some elusive hope that he would seek me out.

I hover with my hand inches from his shoulder blade before trailing my fingers over his warm skin.

Fuck me…

I hold my breath.

His muscles ripple beneath my hand, and he mumbles something unintelligible.

I wait until his breaths deepen, and then I glide my fingers higher and wrap them around the back of his neck. His pulse thrums and my cock takes notice.

I like how vulnerable he feels and how easy it would be to snap his neck. For once, he can’t hurt me, not unless I allow him to. My fingers twitch on his skin when I imagine pinning him down and making him regret shutting me out.

I bet he would sing a different tune then.

Cole sleeps like the dead, so shifting him onto his back and removing the quilt is surprisingly easy. Maybe he’s so used to sleeping beside someone that he’s no stranger to…

No, I squash that thought. The thought of him with Allie or anyone else makes me see red.

His dark hair falls over his brow, so I brush it away and stroke his jaw. My fingers drag over the scratch of his stubble, and I bite back a pained groan. I can’t stop touching him or marveling at how perfect he is beneath all that fear and anger, which he wields like sharp weapons to keep others at a safe distance. My heart pounds harder when I wrap my fingers around his throat. The urge is there to steal the last breath from his lips. Maybe then he’d wake up and fight me. I squeeze lightly, careful not to wake him.

His heartbeat kicks up, and I tilt my head, watching him through the holes in the mask. “You like to hide, brother?” I release his throat. “You think I won’t find you?”

Fuck…

I study his mussed hair and the expanse of his muscular chest. My eyes have adjusted to the darkness. If anything, the shadows cling to his skin like they’re a part of him.

Pressing my hands into the mattress, I bring my face close to his—close enough that my breath would skim his parted lips if it weren’t for the mask.

His pulse flutters in his neck, and his eyes move behind his eyelids. What is he dreaming about?

I wet my lips and trail my gaze over the expanse of his chest before pausing on the bulge inside his boxers. Cole is big, but I already knew that.

My mouth waters at the memory of his swollen dick.

No, Blaise.

Don’t fucking do it.

I stare at his cock hidden under a thin layer of black. My teeth grind together, and I swallow. He’d kill me if he knew I was here, so why does the thought of touching him without his knowledge stir the shadows?

Fuck it.

My heart hammers harder as I pull his underwear halfway down his thighs to reveal his soft cock.

After one final look at his face to ensure he’s still asleep, I palm him and tug the length while holding my breath. It doesn’t take long for him to grow hard, his hips chasing my touch.

I love the feel of his dick in my hand. It’s bigger than mine, but not by much. His eyes move rapidly beneath his lids as I stroke his length until he hovers right at the edge. I keep him there, suspended, swiping my thumb through a bead of precum.

His chest expands on a ragged inhale, and he fists the sheets as he cranes his neck. Is he dreaming about me?

I rip the mask off, toss it to the floor, and take him in my mouth.

The moment my lips stretch around his dick, his hips shoot off the mattress, and his cum fills my mouth. I swallow every drop, my heart pounding so hard that I’m growing dizzy.

When his breathing evens out, I suck him down one final time.

Even now, as he throws an arm over his eyes, I wish he would look at me. But he’s asleep, and I stole a part of him like a thief in the night.

I straighten up and trace my thumb over his mouth.

My heart swells as I whisper, “One day, you’ll beg me to kiss these perfect lips, big brother.”