16. Ellis

CHAPTER 16

ELLI S

There's a soft knock at Gabe's door, and I have just enough time to gather my dignity and cover myself with Gabe's comforter before it opens.

"Ellis?"

It shouldn't surprise me when Antoni walks in instead of Gabe. He'd stormed out of the apartment, and I couldn't exactly run after him butt-naked and holding a cold compress to my ass. I pull the blanket further up my body, hoping he doesn't notice the massive wet spot in the middle of the sheets.

"He must really be worried if he went and got you, of all people." Antoni gives me a soft smile, but I can see the worry behind his eyes. "I'm fine, really. I promise."

I'm not fine, not really. But not because of a little pain. I know Gabe didn't mean to hurt me. What hurts more is the way he ran out.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" He looks around the room, at the discarded clothes and the disheveled bed, before noticing me craning my neck to look behind him. "He left," Antoni says softly, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. He arranges his silky robe, cinching the belt around his tiny waist, and crosses one smooth leg over the other. He adjusts the silk cap on his head and looks at me over a pair of square framed glasses, waiting for me to say something, I suppose.

"I like the glasses. You should wear them more often."

Antoni scoffs and pushes the glasses up his nose. "Thank you. But we aren't here to talk about how pretty I am." He tilts his head. "I'm assuming something happened between you and Gabe? Which I am very ready to gossip about—between us only, of course," he says before I can interrupt and beg him to keep his mouth shut. He doesn't look offended that I obviously was going to accuse him of being a gossip, even though that's not really his style.

"Ellis," Antoni says softly. "That absolute beast of a man was terrified and came all the way upstairs to interrupt my beauty sleep and drag me down here and help you. And I don't get the impression he likes me very much, so I must be here for a reason."

"He's jealous," I mutter. "He thinks I like you, because you're beautiful and I slept over at your place a few times instead of sleeping here."

"Well, that's understandable, I suppose. I assume you set him straight?" I shrug, and Antoni winks. "That's my boy."

I can't suppress my smile at his wicked tone, but once the smile breaks free, so do the rest of my emotions. Tears well up and spill over my eyelids, no matter how much I try to hold them back. With Antoni practically staring into my soul, I can't do anything to hide my tears, which makes it worse. I let out an embarrassing sob and bury my face in my hands. Antoni moves to sit next to me, and I scoot, wincing as I pull my knees up to give him a clean space .

"Honey, I'm not afraid of a little semen. I'm on PrEP. And besides, it makes your skin soft."

My face blanches at the mention of PrEP. We didn't even use a condom. Fuck. I really screwed this whole thing up.

"So…" Antoni starts.

"So…" I mock, but then take a breath and talk. It's not like I'm going to get out of it, and I don't want him worried about me, too. I wipe my tears away. "We… had sex."

He nods. Right, that's probably obvious.

"It was, um, unexpected."

Antoni's eyes flash wide. "What do you mean, unexpected ?" he asks, his tone serious.

"Nothing like that!" I assure him, holding my hands up in front of me. "He'd never do that. He'd never knowingly hurt me. I just meant that it wasn't planned."

"But he did hurt you?"

"A little. I don't think we prepped enough. He's, um…"

"Carrying an actual baseball bat around inside those tight uniform pants? I've noticed."

I snort a laugh and wipe my nose. "Yeah, that. He got carried away— we got carried away," I correct. "I wanted it. I just wasn't expecting such a sudden intrusion."

Antoni makes a face. "Ouch."

"Yeah. It felt like I was being split in half. Which I honestly thought would be more fun than it was," I say, laughing again. It's easier to laugh about it.

"Oh, sweetie, believe me, it can be. But straight guys are pretty clueless when it comes to sex, espec ially sex with another guy. Was this the first time you fooled around?"

My face heats, and I shake my head. "No. And all the other times were…" I gesture to indicate mind blowing. "Even right before the, uh, penetration. It was perfect. He knows how to touch me."

Ignoring Antoni's raised eyebrow, I continue. "He didn't mean to hurt me. He didn't even realize he had until it was too late. It was really, um, quick."

I'm not sure what the etiquette is for talking about a bad sexual experience with someone that you absolutely want to have more good experiences with. I think it's hot when he gets so worked up that he can't hold back and busts everywhere—and I do mean everywhere . I didn't know someone could cum so much.

Antoni is looking around the room at the mess. "I don't see lube." He rolls his eyes when I cringe. "I know this can be weird to talk about, but my grandma always said that if you're not mature enough to talk about it, you're not mature enough to be doing it."

"That's not it," I tell him, although it is a little awkward to talk about. Mostly just because I feel dumb right now. "We, um, didn't use lube. I mean," my voice trails off, "he used my cum."

I look everywhere but at Antoni, but I can feel his eyes blow wide. His gaze bores into the side of my face, which is getting hotter by the moment. "Jesus Fuck, Ellis. Even I couldn't take that battering ram without a shit ton of lube and some stretching first!"

A sardonic laugh bubbles out of me. "I always did like a challenge. Dove right into the deep end at my first swimming lesson, too."

Antoni stands up quickly. "Do not tell me that was your first time!"

I roll my lips in and turn my head away, brushing some invisible lint off a pillow next to me. Ignoring Antoni's dramatic gasp, I pull the pillow into my chest and pr ess my face into it. Gabe's scent clings to the fabric, and I cling harder to it when Antoni grasps my shoulders and lowers his face to mine. He stares into my eyes for a tense moment, searching for something.

And then he pulls me into a hug. He's stronger than he looks, practically pulling me into his lap. He smells like a spa candle, or like the lavender scent beads my mom used to put in the laundry before they started making Elliot break out. I'll have to warn him not to rub himself on Antoni. The thought makes me snort, but laughing opens the floodgates and I start fucking crying again.

God, I feel so weak. Weak that I couldn't take him. Weak that it hurt. Weak that I cried after. Not just because it hurt, but because I was overwhelmed that it had happened at all. Pain aside, I'd just lost my virginity. To Gabe fucking Rodgers. And right now, I feel the weakest of all, ruining my friend's soft silk robe, because I can't make heads or tails over how I feel about it all. How can I be overjoyed that something big and meaningful happened, but simultaneously wrecked that it didn't happen the way I imagined?

"I'm really okay," I say, sniffing and pulling away from Antoni's shoulder. "I'm just processing."

Antoni nods and releases me. My ass twinges a bit when I sit back, and he makes a face. "It wouldn't hurt to get checked out. Fissures can happen when bottoming, and they can be pretty painful."

"I'll reassess after I clean up and get some rest."

Antoni's eyes roam over the mess of wet sheets. "Condom?" I look down and shake my head. "Did you talk about status or anything?"

Raking a hand through my hair, I look up at him despondently. "It all happened so fast."

He puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes lightly. "It's okay. Getting caught up in the moment happens. There's a good clinic in town that we can go to in the mor ning and get you some back up just in case. And in the meantime, you can talk to Gabe about status. Especially if you get brave enough to try that shit again."

"Assuming he'll even talk to me again."

"If he doesn't, then he's a bigger ass than I thought, and I'll kick him in the balls." He gives me a pointed look that tells me he'd absolutely try to beat the shit out of Gabe, despite being significantly smaller. "I'm scrappy as fuck," he says, pointing a manicured finger at me. "Now, put some pants on. You're coming home with me."