Chapter 41

FORTY-ONE

DOMHNALL

It takes longer than I wanted to get home. And certainly longer than I told Brooke I’d be away.

Between all the stops and unexpected holdups, instead of two days, the whole round-trip took six.

When I finally speed back into the roundabout in front of the mansion, I screech the car to a stop and jump out, sprinting up to the front door. My digital key automatically unlocks it, and I barely slow down before throwing the door open.

“Brooke!” I shout, sprinting inside. “I’m home! Brooke!”

Instead of Brooke’s figure appearing at the top of the stairs, however, it’s Professor Roberts. She waves a hand to shush me as she hurries down the steps.

“Would you stop shouting?” she hisses. “The nightmares keep Anna awake and we’ve been trying to let her sleep in. She’s at a very precarious stage right now!”

“Anna? Who the fuck is Anna?”

Professor Roberts just glares at me when she gets close and continues whispering. “Brooke is Anna. Anna is Brooke. It’s the name she’s picked for herself.”

I throw my hands in the air. “What, you found another personality? What the fuck have you been up to while I’ve been away?”

If possible, Professor Roberts’s glare becomes arctic. Glacial. “We don’t know for sure that Anna has dissociative identity disorder. It takes months to make a diagnosis like that. And it’s rarely so cut and dry even if she does. Anna is just the name the girl is now choosing to go by.”

“The girl? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“There have been developments while you’ve been away.”

I’m done with talking. I didn’t travel non-stop for the last twenty-two hours to be stopped by a half-doctor at the stairs of my own goddamned house. “Where is she? I need to see her.”

Professor Roberts crosses her arms over her chest. “No, you want to see her. There’s a difference.”

“Well, Prof.,” I say, moving around her to get to the stairs, “nice knowing ya. Thanks for your services. You’ve been a real gem. Just lemme know where I can send your bill, and I’ll make sure you’re paid handsomely for your services.”

But she just scoots up the stairs to block my path.

“You’re such an asshole,” she says, eyes flashing. “I don’t care if you’re paying me. My loyalty is to my patient first.”

“You aren’t even a doctor,” I remind her contemptuously.

“But I am,” comes a deep voice from the top of the stairs. “And you’d do well to kindly stop attempting to intimidate my best student with your superior size.”

My head swings to see who else is in my fucking house. He’s a tall, lanky fucker with a square jaw and thick, black-frame glasses. The kind of bookish-look I guess some women may find attractive, but I’d snap him in half in about two seconds in any pub brawl.

He jogs down and holds out a hand with an easy smile. “Dr. Nathan Ezra.”

I ignore his hand and glare.

He continues on as if I’m not being a grumpy bastard. “It’s been a joy to work with Anna this week while you’ve been attending to business matters.”

Is this fucker trying to intimidate me? What exactly does he know? We didn’t tell Professor Roberts where I was while I was away, but god knows what Anna’s been saying about what she saw and did while at the airfield. Professor Roberts, at least, we felt confident we could control. But this new guy…

I scowl at him. “Where is she?”

“Resting. I think it best not to disturb her. She hasn’t been sleeping well at night?—”

“Because I haven’t been here to hold her.” Does this dickwad really think he knows my girl better than me? “I need to see her. She needs to know I’m here.”

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” Dickwad says. “We’ve been making progress the last few days, and any disruptions might?—”

I shove Dr. Dickwad out of the way and stomp upstairs. We vanquished the monster, and I got rid of any other potential problems in our way. We can finally be together. I’m not letting anything hold us back anymore.

I’m running again by the time I get to the guest wing. It’s like I can feel the nearness of her thrumming through my veins. I have to shove several doors open before I finally find her.

She shoots up in bed, screaming as soon as I do.

I sprint across the room and grab her up into my arms. “It’s okay, love. I’m here. I’m back, and I swear I’ll never fucking leave you again. Ever .”

But unlike usual, she’s not squeezing me back. Her arms are limp around me.

“Brooke?” I ask, cupping her whole head in my hand as I cling to her. Then, when she still doesn’t respond, I pull back and look into her dull, lifeless eyes. “Anna?”

Still nothing. Feeling desperate, I try, “Kitten? ”

But she won’t look at me. Her eyes stay cast towards the wall. As if she’s some other place. Not here.

I spin angrily towards the doorway, Anna still in my arms. “What did you do to her? What fucking meds did you put her on? I said no meds!”

It’s Professor Roberts who walks into the room, slipping around Dr. Ezra. “We didn’t give her anything—not yet, anyway. Dr. Ezra thinks it might be a good idea to start her on some low dose antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication.”

“No,” I say staunchly. “No meds that will have her all whacked out and non-responsive.”

“Domhnall,” Professor Roberts says gently. “Look at her now.”

And I do. Fuck me, but I do. I pull back so that we’re just sitting on the bed, side by side. She stares dully at the wall.

She’s nothing like the vibrant, feisty woman I first brought down to my dungeon all those weeks ago. She looks like a machine someone unplugged. She’s just barely still in motion but it’s like her battery’s almost drained.

“I don’t get it,” I say, clutching her hand in mine as I look to the head doctors at the door. “She looked fine when I last saw her.”

“Can you really say that?” Professor Roberts asks. “Can you really say she was fine ?”

She was covered in her father’s blood, all but hyperventilating, and begging me not to leave her alone.

But I did anyway .

“What can we do?” I look desperately first at Professor Roberts, who looks at Dr. Ezra.

“Wait,” he says gently, with a kindness in his eyes I naturally despise. “And continue with treatment. The kind of trauma she’s endured leaves its mark on the psyche. She’s going to need time.” He looks down to where I still have Anna’s hand gripped in mine. “And space.”

“From me?” I scoff. “I’m the only thing holding her together.”

“Are you sure about that?” Dr. Ezra tilts his head inquisitively at me. I immediately want to smash his face in.

“Yes,” I say through gritted teeth.

He barely waits for the word to escape my mouth before continuing on, like a teacher asking a trick question, “Because there have been periods where she’s fully coherent. And we’re able to make some progress talking to… her .”

“It doesn’t fucking look like it.”

Anna’s hand spasms in mine at my furious tone. Shit. If this bastard wasn’t here antagonizing me, I wouldn’t be so loud. I could be focusing on her. The only reason I was gone was because I was trying to protect her. They all just need to go and leave us alone!

I ignore everyone else in the room and turn to Anna. I let go of her hands and gently cup her cheeks, searching her eyes for some sign of recognition. The squeeze let me know she’s in there.

“Love, it’s me. It’s Domhn. Donny. I’m home. I’m so fucking sorry I ever left, love. But I’m home now and I fucking swear, I’ll never leave your side again. I’m here.”

When her eyes still don’t lift or catch mine like usual, I try to move my face to get in her line of sight. But even then, it’s like she’s looking through me.

“Brooke,” I try, rubbing my thumb gently over her cheek. “Mads. Mads, it’s me.”

Still nothing. I carefully take her hand, shuddering. What the fuck has all this done to her? What have I done to her?

I look back at Dr. Ezra. “But you said she talked to you? Like more than just a word?”

He nods. “She was coherent. And there are sides of her you know nothing about, Domhnall.”

I shake my head. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. No one knows Mads—Brooke—fuck, Anna , better than me.

“Did she know where she was? Who she was? What had happened?”

“I’m taking it slow. But she seems to be aware of herself and her surroundings.”

The fury from moments ago is taken over by exhaustion. I’ve barely slept the last week. I kept wanting to call and talk to Br—to Anna—but it’s not like we ever exchanged phone numbers. And when I called Moira, she always said Brooke was sleeping, or resting, or some other equally infuriating excuse.

I drop a kiss on Anna’s forehead, trying to see if she twitches or gives any other indication that she recognizes me. No matter how tired, I expected us to throw ourselves into each other’s arms the second I got home.

Why didn’t Moira tell me what’s going on? Did she not know? Has Professor Roberts been blocking her from visiting Anna? Or did she and Dr. Ezra convince Moira it was best to leave me in the dark? Do they think I’m part of Anna’s trauma?

Aren’t you?

My back’s still raw from my last punishment, but in spite of my exhaustion, all I want to do is go belt myself until I’m fucking bleeding again. It’s the only other thing I’ve been thinking about all week. But I thought, if I could just get back and pull Anna into my arms, it would all be okay. I’d be all right. I could get through the compulsion.

Now, though, that I know she’s hurt in a way far deeper than my flesh wounds could ever go? And that all my previous notions of control are totally fucked? I can’t get control back.

Control is just a fucking illusion.

So what the fuck am I supposed to do now?

I stand up.

“I’m going to go wash up,” I mutter to Professor Roberts and Dr. Ezra. “Let me know the second she comes back around.”

Professor Roberts looks to Dr. Ezra like she’s not sure she should agree to my simple request, which makes me want to scream at both of them to get the fuck out of my house again. But he just nods, eying me.

I start to walk out of the room, but as I pass, he puts a hand on my shoulder. I look at him incredulously. “You wanna lose that fuckin’ hand, boyo?”

He doesn’t look the least intimidated by me. He lifts his hand, but not before saying, “You know, I’m here to offer a listening ear to you as well. This is a difficult thing.” His head nods the barest bit back towards Anna. “What the two of you are dealing with.”

I glare at him. “Just see to it she’s taken care of. I don’t fucking trust you and if you hurt her in any way, I’ll do much worse than just seeing that you lose your license.”

He holds both hands up and backs away, something on his face telling me he’s not intimidated by my threats. That better be because he’s fucking confident in what he’s fucking doing.

I storm from the room, intending to go take a shower. Instead, I just stomp to my office in the other wing of the house so I can watch the video feed of Anna’s room. I’ve got the whole house wired for security purposes and thank fuck I do. She does nothing but stare at the wall for hours, barely swallowing when Professor Roberts feeds her dinner.

I hurry over to her room, sure she’ll eat from my hand if I try to feed her, but she stops eating all together when I enter. I finally shower and sleep, but only in fits and starts.

The first thing I do the next morning is go see Anna.

Professor Roberts stops me in the hallway outside her room. “I was just coming to get you. She’s having a good morning. She’s lucid.”

My chest leaps with hope and I push past her. Before I open the door, I hear her sweet voice, responding to something Dr. Ezra asked.

“—and then it was like?—”

Oh thank god! I push the door open, and she cuts off, looking my way with wide eyes, like a deer stunned in the headlights.

“It’s so fucking good to see you, love!” I say, rushing into the room.

But though I’d swear her eyes were just locked with mine for a millisecond right as I burst into the room, it’s like they slide right off me to the left, all animation leaving her face by the time I’m at her side.

“Anna!” I say, the excitement from hearing her voice sinking at the blank expression suddenly on her face.

“What happened?” I turn to look at Dr. Ezra where he sits in a chair across from Anna. “She was just here.”

I turn back to Anna, dropping down beside her and taking her hand. “Anna, it’s me.” I try to keep my voice light as I massage her palm with my thumb. “Love, I’m here. I’m right here.”

“I think you may have startled her,” Dr. Ezra says, his tone calm and without accusation.

“Me?” My head snaps towards him. “But I’m—” I cut off before I can really start railing at the bastard. I gaze at Anna, rubbing her hand more urgently before I remember I’m supposed to stay calm.

Fuck. She was here. Present. And then I came banging in like a goddamned ape and scared her away again.

Stupid. Stupid fucking piece of shit. Dumb shits like you deserve to be punished . I grip the hand not holding Anna’s into a fist, allowing my nails to cut into my palm. I squeeze my thumb in my fist until it starts to distend and hurt. Then I squeeze harder still.

“Domhnall,” Dr. Ezra says sharply, his tone cutting.

I look up in surprise, only to find his eyes on my fist.

“I think it’s best if you left us.”

Shame floods me. He knows. He can see what I am. I’m so careful all the time to hide it, but he can see.

Still, I cling to Anna’s hand even though I know he’s right. Of course he’s right. I’m no good for her.

But I never said I was a good man. And I always did love inflicting pain, didn’t I? Even now, as I see my presence hurts her, all I want to do is to cling tighter.

She’s mine, and I won’t let her go.

His protégé in truth, then?

I’m stabbed through the chest by the thought. Forcing my fingers to release her, I let go of Anna’s hand and stand.

Control is an illusion.

I was a fool to think different. Such a fucking fool.

I turn my face away from the three people in the room, every part of my body flooding with the heat of shame. I keep my face hidden from them as I hurry out the door.

Today, though, I won’t allow myself the solace of the whip. For once, I deserve to feel this pain in my chest, not my skin.

The easy escape of physical pain is a cop out. But without it to punish myself, all I can do is sit and stare endlessly at Anna’s unmoving figure on the screen in my office. This is the torture I deserve.