Chapter Forty-One

Sausages

Rafe

Fuck.

I was getting mugged, wasn't I?

At gunpoint.

This was bad.

I was frozen in place, still clutching my grocery bags with no idea what to do. I'd never been mugged before. I was scared, obviously, but also really fucking pissed off.

When I didn't move, the person jabbed me in the spine again with their gun. "I said put 'em up, pisshead!"

"Put what up?" I snapped in panic, knowing deep down that I probably shouldn't start arguing with the person holding me at gunpoint, but doing it anyway. "I'm holding groceries!"

"Drop 'em," they growled. It sounded like someone trying to make their voice much deeper and more threatening than it really was.

I gritted my teeth. "So do you want me to drop them or put them up—"

"I said drop 'em!" They prodded me again with the gun.

A flash of fear streaked through me. Silently cursing them out, I dropped the bags and watched an orange roll out and under my car.

Asshole. I'd wanted that orange.

Suddenly, gloved hands were grabbing my wrists and pinning my arms behind my back, before I was spun around and forced to walk into the alley. Whoever they were, they were strong, pinning both my wrists together with one hand. I foolishly struggled against their grip even though they were still holding the gun to my back.

The alleyway was dark and reeked of garbage thanks to the overflowing dumpster down here. I wrinkled my nose, quickly scanning the alley to try and see if there were any other muggers waiting. If it was just the one, there was a chance I'd be able to get away. My car was already unlocked, and I was a quick runner. If I was fast enough, I might be able to dive into it and lock the doors. But if there were more, I'd probably be in trouble.

The alley looked empty, and I still couldn't see the person pinning my wrists together. They stayed behind me, even as they let go and jabbed me once again with the gun to keep me compliant.

"Put 'em up."

Before I could stop it, I was huffing in exasperation. "Are you—"

"I said put those sausages up, turd!"

A hint of recognition pinged in my brain as I asked, "Sausages? What?"

"All ten of 'em! Both hands! Now!"

Suddenly, it clicked, and I felt like an idiot for taking so long to realise.

With a sigh, I woodenly asked, "Frank, is that you?"

"What?" Frank squawked. "No, I'm not—How did you know—That's not me! Shut up!"

I sighed again and shook my head. "Frank, what are you doi—"

A rabid shriek cut me off, and I whipped my head to the side in time to see a small figure dressed all in black taking a running leap off the dumpster and flying through the air. Directly toward me.

I instinctively jerked out of the way, but I wasn't quick enough. Beans—at least I was assuming it was Beans—had clearly, for some horrifying reason, been aiming for my face, because he crashed into the side of my head and his elbow nailed me in the eye.

"Fuck!" I barked furiously, stumbling as he landed in a heap on the ground with a little grunt. I cupped a hand over my eye and whirled around to glare at them. "You dick! That fucking hurt!"

"Pain is the name of the game, man!" Beans said as he hurriedly leaped to his feet.

I stared at the pair of them in disbelief. They were both wearing identical outfits—shiny black leggings, black toe shoes, black balaclavas and zipped-up black hoodies. Frank was holding the gun in the pocket of his. I could see the outline of it still pointing at me.

Were these two really mugging me at gunpoint? Really? These two?

My eye socket and nose were throbbing, but I slowly lowered my hand, then quickly raised both when Frank jerked the gun and snarled, "I said put those sausages up, butthead!"

"Look." I took a deep breath. "Frank, Beans, you really—"

"How do you know our names?" Beans asked suspiciously.

Frank immediately hissed at him. "Shut up! Those aren't our names. They're not our names," he told me, in what I assumed he thought was a convincing tone. "But still… how do you know our names?"

This was perhaps the most humiliating moment of my life. Being mugged by these two.

This was worse than Dan finding me with the pumpkin head on my dick.

Brow creasing with confusion, I slowly said, "Uh… I'm Rafe."

"Rafe?" Beans immediately echoed, narrowing his eyes at me. "Are you with the government?"

"No, I—What? I work at Goliaths." I stared at them incredulously. "You spoke to me last week? When I found you with Dan's head?"

They stared back at me blankly for a moment, before Frank pointed at me. "The computer nerd."

I gritted my teeth. "Fuck off."

I wasn't sure whether to be more offended that they hadn't remembered me or that they'd called me a nerd.

Or, I supposed, that they were holding me at gunpoint.

I eyed Frank's pocket again. Was it definitely a gun? Didn't people usually only hide it in their pocket when it wasn't actually a gun?

They were standing between me and the exit of the alley. I'd have to try and get past them to escape. Probably not the best idea to make any sudden movements if it was a gun. Plus, Beans was practically feral.

My eye was throbbing, and I thought I could feel a little trickle of hot blood seeping from my nostril.

"Those days are behind us, man," Frank drawled, making me focus on them again. "We've moved on. That ain't our gig anymore. Wrestling sucks."

I gave him a dry look. "You were about to get fired."

"Only because you snitched on us!" Beans hissed, snapping his fingers ominously as he scowled at me.

"No, he snitched on Frank and Beans. We're not Frank and Beans," Frank told me again insistently. "We're Banger and Mash. Notorious crime duo. Well, we'll be notorious again soon."

My brows shot up as I stared at him. Banger and Mash? Really? What was with this weird fixation with sausages?

And notorious again ? What did that…

Suddenly, it all clicked into place. My jaw dropped open in shock.

"Holy crap," I croaked. "You're them."

"Who?" Beans asked suspiciously.

" Not Frank and Beans," Frank insisted.

"The Bratwurst Bandits," I rushed out. Was it bad that I was actually a little excited? "And the Hot Dog Hooligans. And Weenie and the Tea Leaf. Holy shit."

They shared a quick look. Then Beans slowly asked, sounding kind of pleased, "You've heard of us?"

I nodded. "You keep being featured on this true crime podcast, you know that?"

"What? We do?" A grin stretched Beans' mouth through the hole in the balaclava as he looked excitedly at Frank. "You hear that, Frank?"

"Banger," Frank corrected, then asked me, "Which podcast?"

" Super Effing Creepy ." I forgot about keeping my hands up when I felt blood tickle my lip and wiped it away. "One of the hosts went on a deep dive into your past."

Frank must have forgotten about pointing the gun at me too, because he pulled his hand out of his pocket to inspect his fingernails—even though he was still wearing gloves—with a demure shrug. "Well. It's nice to know people still appreciate criminal ingenuity."

With a laugh, I shook my head and said, "I can't believe I didn't make the connection before. Your sausage-themed names and dick tags. And the weird thing with heads. How the fuck did you end up working at Goliaths?"

"We had to lay low for a while," Frank told me, sounding pleased. "Take some time to figure out our new gig."

"What's your new gig?" I asked with interest.

They stared at me blankly, before Beans said, "Muggings."

"Oh. Right. Yeah." I glanced around the alley. "But I mean… what's the theme ? You've always had a theme."

"Well." Frank sounded excited. He glanced at Beans. "We were actually thinking…" He lifted his hands and spread them in an arc through the air as he dramatically finished, "Zippers."

I tried to keep my face blank. "Zippers?"

"Sneaking into people's houses and cutting all the zippers out of their clothes."

Beans cackled. "Truly despicable."

"And our new tag is going to be a dick with a big zipper on it," Frank told me brightly, then started reaching back into his pocket. "Do you want to see the sketches? We've been workshopping—"

I didn't want him to remember the gun, so I quickly said, "No, it's okay. I'd, uh, rather wait to see it in its full glory. You know, at the scene of the crime."

"He really is a fan," Frank muttered to Beans with approval.

"I still think he might be with the government," Beans muttered back.

Seeing my opportunity, I cleared my throat and took a tiny step forward.

"Well, this has been…" I gestured vaguely and didn't bother finishing that sentence. "Uh, good luck. I'm going to head home now."

"'Kay," Frank said brightly, giving me a little wave. "Nice to see you again. Make sure you follow the news to keep track of us. It won't be long before the notorious Banger and Mash start causing zipper mayhem along the west coast."

I nodded as I started walking. "You're heading to California? Nice."

"Yeah, it should be—Wait." Frank stiffened and suddenly jammed his hand back into his pocket. "Hold on. We were mugging you."

I stopped and sighed. "C'mon, guys. Seriously."

He jerked the gun in his pocket to the side, so I sighed again and reluctantly stepped back.

"I don't even have anything," I told them in exasperation.

"What groceries did you buy?" Beans asked.

I bristled. "You're not taking my groceries."

"Well we have to take something ." Frank huffed. "This is a mugging."

Heaving another huge sigh, I reached into my pockets to see if I had anything. Pulling out a half-eaten packet of gum, I said, "I have this."

"What is it?" Beans asked suspiciously.

"Gum."

"What flavour?" Frank immediately asked, just as suspiciously.

"Uh…" I peered down at it. "Spearmint."

"Ooh."

They shared a long look, communicating silently. Then Beans narrowed his eyes at me and jerked his pointy chin. "Throw it over, pal. No funny business."

I chucked the packet over. Beans caught it in his mouth and crunched down, foil and all.

"Okay, are we done?" I asked with a hint of impatience. "I want to get home."

"I dunno…" Frank said slyly, still pointing the gun at me through his pocket. "If you got stuff as good as gum in them there pockets, maybe you've got something else too."

"I really don't," I told him blankly. I wasn't going to tell him about the car key, obviously. Or my phone. Or wallet.

They'd watched me come out of a grocery store and unlock my car. If they didn't think of taking any of those things, that was on them. I certainly wasn't going to remind them. They should definitely do the zipper thing instead of this. They were really bad at it.

Before either of them could speak again, voices echoed down the alley from the street. It just sounded like a couple talking and laughing, but Frank and Beans panicked.

"Piss, it's the feds," Frank hissed, shuffling frantically from side to side as Beans spat out a wad of foil and gum in alarm. "We need to scram."

"Leave the weapon," Beans rushed out. "Then it can't be tied to us. Yeah, that's right, I know the law, turd!" he called back to me as the pair of them turned and ran, Frank chucking the gun out of his pocket before they vanished around the corner.

I didn't move for a few seconds, a little stunned by everything that had just happened, then slowly started walking out of the alley. I paused when something on the ground caught my eye, looking down at it and feeling my mouth flatten into a grim line.

It was a frozen hot dog.

They'd tried to mug me with a frozen hot dog.

Well, technically they'd succeeded in mugging me with a frozen hot dog. They'd taken my gum.

I stretched out my foot and nudged it with the toe of my shoe. Evidently, it had started to thaw in Frank's pocket, because it broke in half.

Sighing, I walked over to my car. My grocery bags were still on the ground, so I bent to gather everything up before shoving them onto the back seat. My face was still throbbing, so I gingerly touched the side of my nose and hissed. It didn't feel broken, but I was pretty sure I'd get a black eye.

"Are you alright?"

I glanced over and froze when I saw none other than billy goat creep bopping toward me. At least he only looked concerned, not lechy.

"Uh, yeah." I managed to give him a brief smile, wanting to wince when my nose stung. "Thanks."

"Did those two guys mug you?" he asked in shock when he reached me. "I saw them running out of the alley. And your nose has been bleeding."

I hurriedly wiped underneath it again. "Uh, they… I guess they did. Or tried to."

"Oh my god," he breathed, touching my arm and making me flinch back. "You're so brave ."

"Nope. Just pissed off." I gave him another tight smile and reached for my car door. "And I want to go home."

"Let me take you for a drink," he said in a sympathetic voice, but I could see his eyes starting to gleam as they drifted down my frame. "Share your troubles with me, handsome stranger. Let's get to know each other. "

"No thanks." I yanked open my car door and hurriedly climbed in, turning on my engine as fast as possible.

"But who knows what could blossom from such adversity?" he called after me as I pulled away from the kerb, his voice fading into the distance. "We could be beautiful together!"