Chapter Twenty-Five

Doctor Otticker Sexlie Richard-Regina Customer Service

Dan

"I can… see that," I slowly said.

After a few seconds of silence, I propped the baseball bat up against the console table in the hall, seeing as there was apparently no danger to Rafe except, evidently, himself. Clearing my throat, I took a hesitant step closer.

Gesturing at the bowl of red sauce under his balls, I awkwardly asked, "What, uh… what's…"

I trailed off, not sure what, exactly, I wanted to ask. Legs shaking wildly, he carefully straightened and took an unsteady step back. With one hand cradling the pumpkin, he reached up with the other and rubbed his flushed face miserably.

"It just won't fucking come off." He was definitely close to tears. Lifting his head, he gazed at me plaintively with those big green eyes. "Ewen. Help me."

I definitely had questions—multiple questions—but my chest tightened at the sight of his distress. I strode into the kitchen and stepped over the mystery bowl, raising my hands to hover uncertainly as I stopped in front of him.

"It's okay, kitten." After a pause, I settled my hands on his bare shoulders to give them a soothing rub. The pumpkin jutted out between us, a big orange blob in my periphery.

I bit my lip hard. I absolutely could not laugh. Rafe would never forgive me.

"It's not okay." He grabbed a fistful of my shirt, and I could feel how much he was trembling. His eyes were glazed and a little unfocused as he stared up at me. "It won't come off, Dan."

"I know, baby, you told me," I said gently, skimming my hands down his arms as I snuck a quick glance at the pumpkin. It looked like it had eye holes. Like a jack-o'-lantern. "I'm guessing it's not, uh, actually designed for…"

"No, it is," Rafe mumbled miserably, releasing my shirt to scrub both hands down his face as he exhaled shakily. "It's a… There's a cock sleeve. In the mouth."

My brows shot up. I looked down at the pumpkin again.

Well. Alright then.

"So is it… caught on something?"

"No, it's… Fuck." Rafe covered his eyes with a hand. "There's some… fucking sex magic or something. It was, um, s-sucking, and then it started getting tighter and tighter until I couldn't move it." He whimpered and grabbed my shirt again. "What if my dick falls off?"

"Your dick's not going to fall off, kitten," I said calmly. Even though I had no idea.

Glancing around, I spotted a crumpled box on the counter. That plain black carrier bag was now discarded on the floor.

"Is that what it came in?" I nodded at it. "Does the box say anything about how to stop it?"

"No, it just says a load of useless stuff about the headless horseman being hungry for dick," Rafe choked out, sounding no less panicked.

My brows shot up again.

Headless Horseman? As in… like a dullahan?

A sly grin started to stretch my mouth. I quickly wiped it off my face when Rafe looked up at me desperately.

"Okay, baby, let's sit you down and I'll take a look." I wrapped my arm loosely around his back to lead him into the living room, trying not to think too hard about the feel of warm, smooth skin under my palm. Or the fact that he was completely naked and pressed up against me.

Glancing back, I eyed that bowl of red sauce. "So, uh… what's in the bowl?"

"Hot sauce," Rafe told me miserably, his breath catching as the pumpkin bobbed with every step we took.

The blood drained from my face. I found myself cupping a hand protectively over my own junk. "What the fuck, Rafe?"

"I was desperate," he choked out. "I thought if I dipped my balls in it, the pain would make my dick shrivel up and I'd be able to get it out."

"You didn't actually do it, right?" I asked, voice thick with dread.

He shook his head, legs shaking and unsteady as I helped him into the armchair in the living room. "I couldn't."

"Well, thank fuck for small miracles," I muttered as I strode to the windows and shut the curtains. I didn't know what I would've done if I'd burst in here and found him writhing around on the floor in agony with his balls coated in hot sauce.

When I returned to Rafe, he was splayed in the armchair with his thighs spread wide, hands cradling the pumpkin. Sweat beaded his brow, and he was trying to regulate his panicked breathing, sucking in air and exhaling shakily through his nose.

I pursed my lips hard to hold back a smile. He kind of looked like he was in labour.

Grabbing the footstool, I dragged it closer and perched my ass on it right in front of him. "Okay, kitten. Can I take a look?"

"There's no point," he said miserably. "It's just stuck on there. Because of the sex magic."

My brow quirked. "Well, maybe it'll loosen up a little if we kind of wiggle it."

"But it hurts." He gazed at me plaintively.

"It's not gonna hurt any less if it stays on there," I said firmly, then reached for the pumpkin. "Let me see if I can…"

Settling my hands on either side of it, I gave a very gentle tug. Rafe lurched up to shove my shoulder, eyes widening.

"No!"

"Okay." I quickly let go and raised my hands, then rubbed my cheek as I frowned at it thoughtfully. "Hmm. Maybe there's something on the box that will help."

"There isn't," Rafe mumbled, slumping back and closing his eyes, brow creased with discomfort.

I gave his thigh a gentle rub in sympathy, then stood to go back into the kitchen and grab the box. My mouth spread into a wide grin as I took in the name of the product, the Headless Horseman Cocksucker, and I glanced over at the living room door, raising a brow. I was kind of impressed Rafe had bought this, actually.

And very flattered.

Spinning the box, I scanned the text on the back, suppressing a snort.

"Did you see this bit at the bottom?" I asked Rafe as I wandered back into the living room holding the box. "It says, ‘The Headless Horseman wants your cum, and he won't stop until he gets it!' So maybe you have to—"

"I can't come like this!" Rafe burst out, gesturing at the pumpkin head. "It just hurts because it's too fucking tight! It's malfunctioned or something. I read online that fucking Doctor Whatever is a quack and her products go wrong a lot. Especially the… this one."

"Right, right." I was still looking at the box with intrigue. "It also says, ‘Once you fill his COCK-HUNGRY mouth and give him what he wants, he'll give you a special surprise!' Ooh, what do you think the surprise is?"

"Dan!" Rafe burst out. "I don't fucking care what the surprise is!"

"Hold on, there's a customer service number at the bottom."

He paled. "I can't—I can't tell a complete stranger that I have a pumpkin stuck on my dick."

Sighing, I lowered the box to give him a stern look. "You can survive an embarrassing two-minute conversation if it means getting the pumpkin off your dick, Rafe."

He covered his face with his hands. "Fuuuck."

"Okay, don't stress, baby." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled the number. "I'll do it. I'll just say it's me."

I gave him a reassuring grin as I lifted the phone to my ear. He groaned and tipped his head back, covering his eyes with his forearm.

"Doctor Otticker Sexlie Richard-Regina customer service," a voice chirped down the phone a few seconds later. "You're through to Sandy. How can I help you today?"

"Hey there, Sandy. How are you doing?" I asked conversationally, then decided to hurry things along when Rafe lifted his arm to shoot me an incredulous look. "Uh, actually, Sandy, probably best to just get right to it. I'm having a little bit of trouble with one of your products."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that!" she said brightly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well." I rocked back on my heels and chuckled. "Sandy, there's currently a pumpkin head stuck on my dick. Sorry—penis," I amended to be polite.

"I'm sorry to hear that!" she repeated just as cheerfully. "Now, would that be the…" I heard her tapping on a keyboard. "Headless Horseman Cocksucker?"

"That's the one," I said brightly, unable to resist giving Rafe a sly grin. "The Headless Horseman Cocksucker."

He cringed and covered his eyes again.

Deciding to give him a break, I wandered back into the kitchen and told Sandy, "It started getting really tight while I was using it, then it tightened up so much that I can't get it off."

"Sorry to hear that!" she repeated for a third time as I got a glass from the cabinet. Rafe looked like he could do with some water, poor guy. "So, we have had one or two reports of this happening. Each toy in the range is infused with Doctor Richard-Regina's revolutionary sex magic, and I'm sure you're well aware that sometimes, magic likes to play by its own rules." She laughed lightly.

"Uh-huh." I turned off the faucet and had a sip of water, then laughed. "Oh wait, Doctor Richard-Regina. I just got it. That's good."

"Dan," Rafe shouted from the living room.

"Sandy," I hurriedly said. "How do we fix this? I've got work in a couple of hours, and I can't exactly show up with a pumpkin head on my… member."

"No, of course not!" she chirped. "Well, the good news is that this only seems to happen—and only with an extremely small number of the Headless Horseman Cocksuckers—the first time you use it. Did you recently purchase the toy?" she asked brightly.

I glanced at the bag on the floor and smirked. "I did indeed."

"And is this the first time you're using it?"

"It certainly is." I grinned over at the living room door.

"It's just that Doctor Richard-Regina's sex magic is so powerful that sometimes when it's first activated, it can be a little strong. Plus, it's formulated to keep your penis hard until you ejaculate into one of its two ergonomically textured, high-grade sleeves," she added brightly.

It had two sleeves? That was interesting.

"Ah." I smirked as I wandered back into the living room with the glass of water. "So you get the special surprise."

"That's right!"

"Well, I guess the problem, Sandy, is that it's currently too tight and painful for me to ejaculate," I said as I handed Rafe the glass of water. He groaned quietly in embarrassment but took it and had a tiny sip.

"Don't worry!" Sandy said. "We've heard—from the very few cases in which we're aware of this happening—that Doctor Richard-Regina's high-strength sex magic will soon settle and even itself out."

I nodded as I listened, standing beside the armchair and reaching down to run my hand soothingly over Rafe's sweat-damp hair. He must've been feeling really sorry for himself, because he didn't bat my hand away. He even leaned into the touch, still breathing shallowly.

"So rest assured that the sleeve will soon relax, and this shouldn't happen again," Sandy told me, then cheerfully added, "And you'll be able to keep masturbating with one of Doctor Richard-Regina's world-renowned, magic-infused sex toys!"

"I will certainly do that," I told her earnestly. "Thank you for the reassurance, Sandy. You've been real helpful."

"It's my pleasure! You have a good day."

"You too." I hung up and grinned down at Rafe. "Good news, kitten. It should loosen up soon."

"When?" he grated, gesturing at the pumpkin and almost spilling water everywhere. "It feels like it's been on there for fucking hours."

"You just have to be patient." I took the glass from him and set it down as I got settled back on the footstool in front of him. Resting my hands on his knees, which were bouncing wildly with anxiety, I gave them a squeeze and grinned at him. "She also said it won't happen again. So that means you can use the Headless Horseman Cocksucker to your heart's content."

Rafe flushed and looked away. It was probably inappropriate of me to let him know that he could use the real thing instead, if he wanted. Right?

Yeah, probably inappropriate, given the circumstances.

"I guess we just have to wait, kitten," I said sympathetically.

He cringed and peeked at me. "You, uh, you don't have to stay—"

"I'm not leavin'." I frowned, then pursed my lips. "And seeing as we have to wait… I was actually planning on comin' to talk to you."

His shoulders hunched. He reached up and started anxiously fiddling with his eyebrow piercing. "We don't need to talk about anything."

"We have time." I hesitated, then tentatively rested my hand on his knee again. "Rafe, if I'd known that the other night was your first time with a—"

"Seriously, Ewen?" He glared at me, face flushed. "You're going to do this now ?"

"I just want to say how sorry I am," I hurried out. "For, uh, taking off so soon after. If I'd known it was… a special—"

"It wasn't special." He scoffed, cheeks deepening even more in colour. "It's not like I was—I'm not—I was just horny."

I paused, a surprising hint of hurt flaring in my chest, before I noticed how tense and defensive he suddenly looked. He was probably feeling particularly vulnerable right now. Understandable. There was a pumpkin on his dick.

"I didn't mean special like that," I said steadily. "Just… significant. I'm sorry I wasn't more considerate of that."

He fidgeted, keeping his eyes lowered as he picked at the chair's armrest. Eventually, he muttered, "I mean, I guess I didn't actually tell you that I'd… never done that before. With a guy."

"Still, I…" I scrubbed a hand through my hair. "I should've noticed. I'm sorry, Rafe."

"It's fine," he muttered awkwardly. "Thanks."

"So…" I rubbed my hands down my thighs. "Did you… only recently realise that you're not completely straight?"

"Um, yeah." He flushed again and hunched over further, not looking at me. After a few seconds, I thought I knew why.

Had he realised when he started watching me?

Suddenly, I was filled with the urge to… do something. I kind of wanted to hug him. But the pumpkin head would definitely get in the way. Instead, I shifted off the footstool and onto my knees beside the armchair. Rafe tensed when I rested my hand on his arm, his teeth worrying his lower lip.

"I'm sorry, kitten," I said again. He blushed, chest rising a little faster.

"Don't call me that," he mumbled, but there wasn't really much strength behind it.

I chuckled, and I saw his mouth twitch into a tiny smile.

"Promise I'll be the best neighbour you could ever hope for from now on," I told him, then teased, "And next time, I won't leave straight after."

I'd been mostly joking, but Rafe's breath caught as his eyes darted to me. Then dropped to my mouth.

He snorted, but it was weak. "Pretty cocky of you to assume there'll be a next time."

"I'm not assuming anything, handsome. But…" I shrugged lightly, trailing my fingers along his forearm. He shivered. "I'd definitely be up for it. If you are."

He was watching me, so I gave him a grin before my gaze drifted to his bare chest. He was lean with just the barest hint of muscle tone, his stomach flat and waist narrow. The tattoos covering his arms stopped at his shoulders, and I couldn't see any others on his body.

Just visible behind the pumpkin head was a patch of neatly trimmed dark pubic hair. I caught a glimpse of the root of his cock and felt my own dick twitch in my jeans.

I'd always thought my prickly ghoul neighbour was cute, but he wasn't just cute. He was ridiculously hot, and seeing the entirety of his naked body aside from his cock—even if it was hidden by a pumpkin head—was turning me on, which definitely wasn't appropriate right now.

But I wanted to touch him.

"What, so you mean like…" When he trailed off uncertainly, I flashed him another grin.

"We could just be really friendly neighbours."

His eyes flared with heat, telling me he liked that idea. He was tempted.

What wasn't to like, honestly? We'd inevitably start getting along better as neighbours if we were fucking. He'd literally only have to go next door to get some sex, or I could come here, and I knew Rafe generally hated leaving his house. I was phenomenal in bed. I was a professional wrestler, for fuck's sake. I had a great body and incredible stamina.

Plus I could remove my own head.

That helped a lot.

Honestly, even if I didn't look this good, it would probably do most of the heavy lifting. People liked to get weird.

"So, like… casually… hooking up," he said cautiously, as if to confirm it, but he was blushing again.

"Only if you want to, kitten."

Thinking about it, I was pretty sure Rafe hadn't had all that many hookups or one-night stands over the last three years. Then again, maybe I just hadn't noticed them. He'd had a couple of girlfriends in that time, but they'd seemed more long-term.

Maybe he wasn't one for casual sex. That was fine, though disappointing, but I wasn't willing to offer anything more. I wasn't interested in a relationship. Besides, Rafe wouldn't want to date me even if that were what I was proposing. He barely tolerated me.

He was just wildly attracted to me. Couldn't blame him for that.

Weirdly, I found myself tense with anticipation as I waited for his answer. I wasn't sure why. If he turned me down, I could just go on with my life as I'd been living it. Wasn't like he was my only option.

A hint of guilt crept into my gut as soon as that thought crossed my mind, and I found myself smoothing my palm up and down his arm, wanting to touch him. I wanted to do more than that. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to sit him in my lap again and feel his lean body against mine.

"I'd… uh…" When he started speaking, I tensed even more, practically holding my breath. "I mean… yeah, I'd… I'd be up for it."

My pulse leaped. I found myself grinning widely at him.

Then he gave me a little frown. "But not if… I wouldn't be comfortable if you were also hooking up with a bunch of other people."

My brows twitched. "Why would I do that?"

He huffed and shot me a droll look. "Because that's what you do, Ewen."

"Not all the time. And not ‘a bunch of people' all at once." I smirked. "Well, except this one time—"

"I'm just saying, I'm not interested if you're gonna keep having other hookups." He crossed his arms with a stubborn look on his face.

I found myself smiling. Cute little kitten.

"Sure," I agreed easily, because it wasn't like I'd even been thinking about finding anyone else. "That works for me. No one else. For as long as we do this."

He stared at me as if he hadn't believed I'd agree to it. "Really?"

"Of course." Suddenly I remembered the donkey dick guy and narrowed my eyes at him. "Same goes for you too, though."

He snorted and gestured at the pumpkin head I'd temporarily forgotten about. "You think I'd be spending my Thursday morning with a pumpkin stuck on my dick if I had sex available on tap?"

I chuckled and grinned at him, leaning closer. "You'll have it available on tap now, handsome."

His breath caught, eyes darting down to my mouth. Recognising that he was unlikely to make the first move, I gently gripped his chin and leaned in until my lips met his.

The kiss was slow at first, but grew hotter as our mouths opened up and our tongues met. A tiny groan left me at the feel of his piercings, and Rafe's breath hitched. A second later, I felt him reach up before his fingers threaded tentatively through my hair.

Fuck, that felt nice. I slid my hand onto the side of his neck and felt his pulse hammering in his throat when I smoothed my thumb over it. Tilting my head a little to thrust my tongue deeper, I let my hand drift lower onto his chest. His heart was pounding hard, and my chest tightened with a rush of affection.

I couldn't resist trailing my fingers even lower, groaning when one brushed over a nipple. Rafe inhaled sharply against my mouth, fingers tightening in my hair, before he broke the kiss and looked down in a daze, breathing fast.

"I… I forgot I was naked."

"I didn't," I rasped with a sly grin, then nuzzled his cheek before trailing my lips over his jaw and down his neck. Fuck, I wanted to kiss him everywhere.

"Dan," Rafe breathed, shivering and tilting his head for me.

Arousal shot through me. I wanted to hear him say my name like that again.

"Oh shit. Wait, hold on." He let go of my hair and hurriedly patted my shoulder. "Dan, I think the sleeve is loosening up."