43. The Step Forward

Hunter

Afew days later, back in New York, Hunter anxiously awaited a call from Logan. His heart raced as he was about to do one of the most difficult things he would ever have to do.

“Hey,” Logan said warmly. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” Hunter said.

“I’m in my car. It’s impossible to talk in that house. Finalized my own will today.”

“How is your mom doing?”

“She’s better now. Walking around more, talking, cooking—we’ve gotten her to stop being manic. We’re taking her to talk to someone this week,” Logan said optimistically.

“That’s … great,” Hunter said, with a hint of unenthusiasm.

“What’s wrong?” Logan asked almost immediately.

“What? What do you mean?”

“Shit, Hunter—” Logan began to get worked up. He had grown to know him so well over the years. “What do you have to tell me?”

“We can’t—” Hunter sighed. “We can’t do this. At least not right now.”

“No, no, no—please, don’t do this right now. I can’t handle it. I’ve been so much better knowing I have you back in my life. I’m sleeping again, I wake up happy to talk to you again. I haven’t had that in so long. Please—don’t take it away again.”

“Again? Logan, you’ve already—” Hunter started but stopped himself. “Never mind. It’s not a healthy decision for you to make. You’re in mourning and lonely—I don’t want to be your escape from reality—like a drug.”

“No. You’re not at all. I love you—”

“I know you do. I love you, too. I always will. I think you need more time. Heal from this. Take time to mourn your father properly. Work through your relationship the right way. You must’ve married her for a reason. Look, get counseling and see if you can make it better. If you’re that unhappy, get divorced—”

“I am getting divorced! I contacted a divorce lawyer yesterday, I swear. I don’t want to be with her. I only want my daughter,” Logan pleaded with desperation in his voice.

“Good. Get a divorce, it takes time—get your life going. Figure out what happens with Emma. When you do this, call me and we can be in touch. Maybe we can get to know each other again. It’s been eight years since we were together. A lot has changed—for both of us. We were kids when we got together, barely nineteen.”

“Hunter, please don’t do this. I can’t go through this without you.”

Hunter shut his eyes tight, glad that Logan couldn’t see him through the phone. He had said similar words to Logan once before. “You will. You’ve been without me this whole time. You’re strong.”

“It’s because of him, isn’t it? Grayson?”

The lump in Hunter’s throat grew hard to swallow and he tried his best to keep his voice from cracking. “Grayson and I are trying to figure things out ourselves and where we go from here given my actions.”

“Are those your words or his? He’s selfish. You saw what he did when I messaged your other account. He’s manipulating you.”

“Logan, stop. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have started this up again. You were in a vulnerable state.”

“I want to be with you.”

“It’s not possible right now and not healthy—for either of us. Do what I’m telling you and let’s see where things are in a year or two. I still want you in my life.”

“Did you do this to get back at me?”

“What?! Logan, no. Calm down.”

“I think you’ve been wanting to do this all these years. I ended it and now you want me to know what it feels like.”

Covering his mouth, Hunter let out a silent cry. “I’m with Grayson right now. As much as I love you—I can’t up and leave him. Will we be together by the time you leave your wife? I don’t know. We need to let things play out naturally, the right way. You owe it to her.”

“I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you,” Logan said, his voice low and solemn.

“I feel the same way,” Hunter said, though almost choking on his words.

“Goodbye, Hunter.”

“Wait, Log—”

Hunter tried to call him back, but his calls and texts no longer went through.

Aknock on Hunter’s door a few hours later made him look up from his phone on the couch. Upon opening the door, Grayson looked back at him with his big, beautiful blue eyes.

“Why’d you knock?” Hunter asked with a chuckle.

“Here’s all your shit,” Grayson told him as he barged in and tossed the bag on the couch.

“You don’t want to talk?” Hunter asked while on his phone.

“There’s nothing else to talk about. We’ve said all we could possibly say to each other. You fucked up and I’m leaving. I’m getting my things from the bathroom,” he said, charging into Hunter’s bedroom.

“Help yourself,” Hunter said from the couch, not looking up from his phone.

After a few minutes of slamming and banging coming from the bathroom, Grayson stepped into the living room with a box in hand.

“Is that my hair gel?” Hunter smirked.

“It’s mine.”

“I’m pretty sure I bought it—”

“Yeah, for me.”

Hunter glanced back at his phone. “Whatever.”

“Be sure to say ‘hi’ to Logan for me,” Grayson added sarcastically. “Three years down the drain with this asshole,” he muttered under his breath.

“There’s some spare change in the junk drawer if you need money for a cab ride home.”

Grayson rolled his eyes. “Fuck you, Hunter.”

“Do you love me?” Hunter asked, eyes still on his phone.

“No, I don’t fucking love you, you fucking narcissist!”

Hunter smiled and turned his phone over. “So, I just did something crazy for nothing?”

“I don’t care what you’ve bought me or what trip you’ve booked.” Grayson’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He reached down and opened it to find a tag notification. “You tagged me?”

Grayson opened Hunter’s profile, his mouth hanging open as he dropped the box on the ground. There was an intimate black-and-white picture of him and Hunter laughing with each other, and Hunter’s hand touched Grayson’s cheek. There was a lot of chemistry in the shot. It was from their trip to Martha’s Vineyard. Hunter knew it was one of Grayson’s favorites. The caption read, Gray is the Warmest Color. My One and Only. I Love You. #loveislove #comingout.

Speechless, Grayson watched the number of likes rising before his eyes. He stared at Hunter with his mouth hanging open.

“You came out?” Grayson could hardly say the words, the phone buzzed repeatedly in his hand. “What about Logan?”

“I told him I choose you—if you still want me.”

“My god, Hunter, wow.” Grayson rushed to Hunter and tossed his arms around him. “You have over fifty likes in three minutes. How do you feel? Everyone’s going to know.”

“I feel—I dunno.” Hunter shrugged. “I’m tired of hiding. Being with you has taught me so much. I don’t think I knew who I was before I met you. I’m not ashamed—you give me courage.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Grayson said tenderly, taking hold of his hand.

“So, you’re staying?”

“Hunter.” Grayson sighed. “This doesn’t change what you did.”

“Fair enough. I love you, even if you don’t love me.”

“You’re so manipulative.”

Hunter’s phone rang in his pocket. “It’s my mom,” Hunter whispered and put the phone on speaker. “Hey, Mom.”

“Hunter, my god—” she started and took a pause as if trying to catch her breath. “I—I’m so sorry.” She sniffled. “I wish I had known.”

“It’s alright, Mom, I’m fine.”

“You’re so—I love you so much. I want you to know that. If someone doesn’t agree with your lifestyle I say, ‘fuck ‘em’” Her words made him and Grayson chuckle. “Who is this guy? He looks an awful lot like Logan, doesn’t he? I almost thought it was him. Wouldn’t that be wild? Where’d you meet? What does he do? Where did he go to school? Where is he from? I want to meet him,” she continued, almost as if she weren’t just crying. “I’m flying in … this weekend. No, next weekend … Shit …” She spoke with someone else in the room with her. “Listen, Hun, I gotta go. I’ll call you later. I love you.”

“Love you, too. Bye.”

Hunter took Grayson’s hand and smiled. He couldn’t imagine his life without him, almost forgetting what it felt like before he met Grayson. “Gray, I’m sorry and I love you.”

“You don’t know how lucky you are,” Grayson said solemnly, pulling away and rubbing his hands on his pants.

“I know I’m lucky to have you.”

“You may not get everything you want—for once.”

“Gray, wait. Come on.”

“I’ll see ya.” Grayson got up from the couch, picked up the box, and headed out the door.

Logan

Adrive around town after getting off the phone with Hunter did nothing to clear his head. Entering the house, in a zombie-like state and drained of energy, Logan made the long trudge up the stairs and to his room. Heavy, bloodshot eyes stared back at him in the mirror.

“Babe, can we talk, please?” Amber asked him at the door to his room. “I know that you might be feeling lost and confused and I know I probably haven’t made this whole thing easy on you.”

Logan’s chest felt empty and heavy all at once as a numbing feeling took over him. “You slapped me last night,” he said mechanically and dragged himself onto the bed.

Amber’s sobs soon filled the air. “I know and I’m sorry. If you could give me a chance—give us a chance. It’s been six years; don’t throw it away. I love you so much, Logan.”

He couldn’t muster a single ounce of care for her as she got into bed beside him and pressed her face against his chest.

“Please,” she said, sobbing sprinkled with sniffles. “I don’t want to lose you. I’ll do anything you want. If you want to meet with Hunter, or anyone, every once in a while, I’m open to that. If you want to explore or have more sex or try new things—”

“Stop, please,” he said and wrapped an arm around her body, pulling her into him. She cried heavily against his chest while he rubbed her back, resting his chin on her head.

“Logan, I don’t know what else to do.”

“I’ll tell Hunter it’s over.”

“Really? … And the divorce lawyer?”

“I’ll call them on Monday and tell them we’re working things out.”

Despite Amber’s heavy sighs against his chest, Logan felt nothing.

Hunter

It worried Hunter when a week blew by with no word from Grayson.

Call me, please, was Hunter’s last text to him, three days prior.

Hunter waited outside of Grayson’s apartment one Saturday afternoon in hopes of seeing him. He wasn’t sure what else to do, but he knew that he didn’t want to lose him.

After nearly two hours, Grayson walked downstairs with a suitcase in hand, an older man in his fifties following behind him. Grayson had his back to Hunter as they walked toward a car that waited on them.

“Who is this? Who the fuck is this?” Hunter yelled as he rushed over, pushed the man, and slammed him against the side of a car violently.

“Hunter, get off him!” Grayson screamed, pulling Hunter away and then wedging himself in between the two. He pushed Hunter back toward his building. “What the fuck are you doing? That’s my boss,” Grayson said with gritted teeth.

“Are you fucking him?”

“No! And what the fuck do you care who I fuck? What are you doing here?”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving for Denver for a few months,” Grayson said, looking back at the older man who loaded his suitcase into the trunk of the car.

“Wait, what? Denver? You said you weren’t sure if you were going to take that assignment. And you were going to leave without telling me? Gray, I’ve told the whole world about you. I’ve never done that for anyone.”

Grayson clapped facetiously. “And what a great sacrifice you’ve made. Thank you.”

“I don’t mean it that way. You have to know how much you mean to me. I’m sorry, Gray—I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing.” Hunter was near tears. Coming out was nothing like how he imagined it to be, receiving overwhelming support from his friends, family, and random strangers on the internet. So many people asked about Grayson and Hunter lied and told them they were doing great.

Grayson’s eyes dropped to the ground then back at him. “Look, we’ll talk when I get back.”

“When is that?”

“I dunno, it might be four months. May go up to six.”

“I’ll wait. And I can visit you—I can come up every weekend if you want me to.”

“Hunter, stop. Might be a good time for us to take a break from each other. Maybe even explore other options.”

“What?”

“After what happened between you and Logan, it made me think that … maybe this relationship isn’t enough for me. Look, I gotta go. We’re already late,” Grayson said, turning to leave.

“Gray, wait.” Hunter took his hand. “I love you.”

“I gotta go.”

Grayson got in the car and left.