Chapter 10

ten

KASH

Kash couldn’t be sure if Adele’s offer was some sort of universe-sent gift or if Adele was spying on his calls, but his best friend suggested a day at the beach came on the same day that Kash had spent half an hour on the phone with the nurse at the specialist’s office going over his test results.

There was neurological damage, but he’d tested negative for every condition they could think of. He was being officially diagnosed with dystonia due to his head injury at work. There was no cure, but there were treatments, and some patients went into remission for months at a time.

The remission never lasted, but it was something.

“I’ll be emailing some information with a list of specialists you can see closer to home,” she’d told him before hanging up. “You’ll need to make an appointment with a physical therapist as soon as possible, and we’re writing you an updated prescription for a wheelchair with power assist, which you can send to your insurance. They usually cover it.”

They usually cover it. If the disorder was because of his injury on the job, all of his treatments would be covered, and that was a triumph in itself. The relief from that was enough to send him into a quiet sobbing fit he buried in his pillow. He wouldn’t go bankrupt trying to live his life.

But he needed to face the reality of the situation: this was permanent. Remissions would last months at a time, but he would spend his entire life facing these ups and downs.

Still, he could let go of the fear he’d been holding on to that it was worse than everyone was predicting. He could properly and truly breathe now.

And then Adele showed up with a hesitant look on his face and a small tremor in his voice and asked Kash if he wanted to go to the beach, and it was almost like the universe was trying to right all the wrongs it had been throwing his way for the last year.

“So, um…I was thinking. There’s the ferry, and I know how much you love being on a boat,” he said, twisting his hands in front of him.

Kash tried not to laugh. Adele was goddamn adorable, and all he wanted to do was kiss him. “I do love boats.”

Adele’s mouth lifted into a grin. “We could ride out to Cape Andrew. We haven’t been since before you moved. There’s a new snack shop on the beach, and there’s still lots of shells. We could go walk on the sand if your legs are up for it, and maybe pack a picnic. I don’t…I don’t know.” He rubbed roughly at his eyes. “Maybe this is a bad idea. If you?—”

“Adele.”

He looked up, his whole body poised like he was waiting for Kash to shoot him down. “Yeah?”

“I really want to go to the beach with you,” Kash said, his voice a little thick .

Adele’s shoulders sank with his relief. “You sure?”

Kash held out both hands. “One thousand percent. Help me up. What time do we need to leave?”

Checking his watch, Adele grimaced. “Now-ish? Fuck. I can’t pack a picnic.”

“You said snack shop, right?”

Adele bit his lip and nodded.

Giving in to his urges, just for a moment, Kash swayed into Adele’s arms and rested against his chest. “I’ll eat a stale soft pretzel and fake cheese if it means we get to put our feet in the water and forget that things have been crappy lately.”

Adele dipped his head down and buried his nose in the top of Kash’s hair. He heard him take in a deep breath, then felt him let it out. “Let’s go. I don’t want to miss it.”

Kash had enough time to get his shoes on and grab his cane before he was hustled into the car. His legs weren’t feeling too bad, though he knew that could change at the drop of a hat, but his orthotics were helping to keep his feet from turning in, and he was steady with his walking aid.

“You sure about this?” Adele asked twenty minutes into the drive.

Kash blinked at him. “What do you mean?”

“You’re really quiet.”

That seemed to be his new normal these days. He stared down at his feet and wondered if they’d be pointed straight if he wasn’t in his orthotics. “I got a call from the doctor right before you came in.” He could sense Adele stiffen. The temperature in the car seemed to drop ten degrees. “The dystonia is from my injury. It’s permanent, but the nurse said there’s a chance I could go into bouts of remission.”

“Bouts of remission? What does that mean?”

Kash shrugged and leaned back, staring at the window. He could see a small line of cars lined up at the ferry entrance. The gates would open half an hour before boarding. “It means that there will be times in my life where I don’t get all stiff or spastic. I won’t be in pain. It won’t last forever, but sometimes is better than never, right?”

Adele’s hands gripped the wheel tightly, and he turned to get in the car line. Before Kash could say anything else, Adele threw the car into park and turned his whole body, cradling Kash’s face with both hands. “The only thing I detest is the fact that I can’t take your pain away when it happens. I’m happy for you. I’m fucking thrilled because the last thing I could handle is losing you. This is something to celebrate, right?”

Kash swallowed, then nodded. “Yeah. It…yeah, it feels like it.”

“Good. We’re going to find the coolest goddamn shells today,” Adele said, more fiercely than any man should ever speak about seashells. “We’re going to find something on the snack menu that doesn’t suck, and we’re going to sit by the water and thank Poseidon for the waves.”

Kash laughed. Adele used to say shit like that when they were young. He used to jump in the water and tell Poseidon to come for him. The god never did. But while Adele was young and angry, he’d wanted to fight him.

Now, he wanted to thank him.

It felt oddly full circle.

Moments later, the cars began to move, and Adele handed over his phone so the woman could scan his ticket. They were directed to the parking lot, and then Adele waited for Kash at the curb. His legs were moving slowly but steadily, and they kept in pace—elbow to elbow—as they made their way into the terminal.

There was a little café, but it was shut down since it was a weekday afternoon and it was off-season, but he wasn’t really hungry yet. At least, not for food. He had an appetite for freedom from the heavy weight that had been keeping him pinned to his bed. And he was starving for more than a friendship with his best friend.

He had one of those things now, and he could only hope he’d stay satisfied without the other.

Adele led the way to the elevator, and they made their way to the second floor, where the walkway led to the boarding ramp. The line was fairly small, and they were fourth in line. Kash pressed his forehead to the glass and looked out along the water. The ferry was docked, and he could see seagulls hovering over the water, waiting for what they could scavenge as the boats passed by the jetty.

“You still with me?” Adele asked quietly.

Kash stuck out his hand that wasn’t holding the cane without looking back at Adele. He smiled when a warm palm touched his own. It wasn’t the day he expected to have, but it was the day he realized he needed.

“I’m here.”

Adele stepped in close enough that Kash could feel his body heat. “Good.”

It did feel pretty damn good.

The pair of them settled inside when the ferry got going, but by the time they were out on open water, Kash was feeling restless. He wasn’t sure he trusted his legs to get him from point A to point B with the way the boat was swaying on the choppy water, but he knew he needed to be outside.

“Can we head out for a bit? ”

“Yes,” Adele said. He was looking a little green. “Sitting here makes the rocking feel so much worse.”

Kash had completely forgotten Adele got seasick. He pressed his cane tip to the ground and hauled himself up, but a second later, he toppled backward. Instead of hitting the floor, he hit a pair of very strong arms.

Adele tightened his grip on him. “You’re okay,” he murmured softly. He helped ease Kash upright, then kept an arm around him as they headed toward the doors.

Kash remembered to walk with the sway of the boat, and they only knocked into the wall a couple of times. It wasn’t much better out on the bow, but they reached the side railing that overlooked the bottom deck, and holding on made everything feel a bit more still.

There was no land in sight, but Kash knew they’d be able to see the cape soon enough. The water was green and rich and briny. He looked down at the waves of wake—all white and foamy. It was hypnotic and entirely peaceful.

“Better?” he asked after a long beat. He looked up, and Adele was less pale, though he was holding the wood-capped rail like his life depended on it.

“I’m not going to puke if that’s what you’re asking.”

Kash snorted. “Why’d you take me out here when you know it fucks you up?”

“Because it’s a short ride, and the beach will be worth it,” Adele said. He shuffled a little closer, their hips pressing together, and neither one of them made a move to break apart. “And it used to be your favorite place.”

It had been, and he had a feeling it still was. The fact that Adele knew it and had organized this day for him made him feel a type of way he wasn’t ready to name aloud. But it had four letters, and it lived behind the beat of his heart.

“We could have gone to the beach at home, you know. ”

“It’s picked bare by now,” Adele said. “And I wanted somewhere quiet. It feels nice to get away without tests and scans hanging over your head.”

Kash closed his eyes, bowing his head over the water, and he breathed in the salty air. He felt oddly refreshed. Strong in ways he hadn’t felt in a long, long while. He could still feel Adele pressed against him, and he basked in the comfort it brought.

“Kash?”

He looked over at Adele and raised a brow.

“I need a hug.”

The words were strange and utterly vulnerable. Kash didn’t know what to make of it because he wasn’t used to providing any kind of real comfort to anyone. He was always the one asking, never offering. It meant something that Adele still saw him as the one who could fix things with a simple embrace. His arms opened without hesitation, and he let out a heavy sigh as Adele curled against him.

Adele was taller and larger—he always had been. But he fit against Kash like he was born to exist there, and Kash allowed himself the moment to feel how right it all was.

They swayed together with the motion of the boat, and then Adele pulled back, but not completely. He shifted just far enough that he could lean in and rest his head against Kash’s shoulder. “Sorry. I feel a little…out of sorts lately.”

“That’s my fault, I know.”

Adele’s head popped up. “Why the hell would you think that?”

“Because I’ve been taking up all the focus like no one else’s problems matter.”

Rolling his eyes, Adele dropped his head back down. “It’s definitely all me. I’m running from my problems, and it was easy to focus on yours and pretend like mine didn’t exist. But I’m realizing that was maybe not the best strategy.”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Kash pressed. He had noticed Adele had been a little odd lately, but he assumed he was still dealing with the hurt he felt over Kash keeping so much from him.

God, he was so self-absorbed sometimes.

Adele sighed. “I know. It’s not really a talking-out problem. Not really.”

“It’s a hugging problem?” Kash asked with a brow raised.

Adele laughed and shrugged. “Annoying, I know.”

Kash held Adele a little tighter. “You’re never annoying, even when you’re being a damn moron.”

He sniffed, laughing into the side of Kash’s neck. “Yeah, I guess. It’s what makes me lovable though, right?”

Kash grinned and closed his eyes, swaying both of their bodies with the motion of the boat. “Yeah. One of many, many reasons I’ll always love you.” And God, did he mean that in every single way, with every fiber of his being.

They stayed like that for a long while before Adele broke away. They kept close as the ferry approached the small dock, and Kash could see a handful of people walking around the shore, but it was mostly dead. He could smell fried food on the breeze, and he could hear faint island music playing on what was probably an old, rusted speaker.

It was nice. No, it was more than nice. It was perfect.

Adele didn’t move to disembark until most of the other passengers were gone, and Kash appreciated it. It meant he didn’t have to force his body to hurry as they climbed down the very narrow, steep stairs. He leaned heavily on his cane as they passed by a couple crew members, and he ignored their pointed stares.

He didn’t know if it was real or if he was just afraid people were staring now that he was using a cane. It made his insides feel weird though—kind of squiggly and anxious. He rubbed at his stomach with his free hand as he regained his equilibrium after being out on the water for so long.

“Okay,” Adele said, hiking the bag high on his shoulder, “do we want to find a place to set up shop, or do you want to get food?”

“I think if I eat, I’ll be sick,” Kash admitted.

Adele looked relieved. “Good. I don’t think they’re going to run out of anything, and I’d love to take my shirt off and bask in the sun while my stomach settles from the damn boat.”

Kash’s mouth went a little dry. He doubted he’d ever get tired of seeing Adele take his shirt off. The man was a goddamn work of art with his perfectly formed abs and the thatch of hair right between his pecs. He had small, light pink nipples and freckles like constellations all down his ribs. It took everything in Kash not to put his mouth on those little specks every time he saw Adele exposed.

He licked his lips, then followed Adele down the blue-rubber walkway that covered a long path toward the shore. It didn’t last though, and soon enough, his feet were sinking into sand. He hadn’t considered that it was going to be a problem, but five steps in and he was stuck.

“Hey,” he said softly. His voice barely carried over the waves.

Adele turned his head, and his mouth tipped down in the corners. “Shit. It’s the sand, isn’t it? ”

“My feet aren’t loving it.” Kash shrugged. “Why don’t I sit up at the restaurant, and you can?—”

“How much pride will you have to swallow if I piggyback you?”

Kash closed his eyes for a second and let out a sigh. The answer was all of it. But he needed to crack and shatter those walls he was holding up because if he didn’t, they would always stand between him and doing the things he loved. He looked from left to right, but it seemed like most of the people on the boat had gone to the welcome center—likely for the boat tour—and they were almost entirely alone.

“You don’t think I’m too heavy?” Kash asked. It was a foolish question, considering the weight Adele had to haul around for his job.

He scoffed and walked over to Kash, dropping the bag and sinking to his knees. Fuck, Kash loved him in that position. His cock gave a feeble twitch, but he wasn’t hard, and thank God for that because Adele would have definitely noticed.

Throwing his arms around Adele’s neck, Kash let his body weight sink onto his best friend’s back, and then he was lifted into the air. Adele picked up the bag like it was nothing, then began the slow trek across the soft sand toward the hard pack where the water had tamped it down.

He paused a few feet from the shore. “Try here.”

Kash was reluctant to let him go, but he was grateful when he could walk again. They didn’t go too far, Adele picking a spot next to what looked like the remnants of a fire pit, and he began to unpack the blanket and the small pop-up umbrella that gave them enough shade to combat the afternoon sun.

“Come here,” Adele said .

He glanced over to see Adele’s arms open. “What—” Before he could finish his sentence, Adele had swept him up in a cradle, then eased him down to the thick towel. He scowled at his friend. “I didn’t need that kind of help. I can sit on my own.”

Adele grinned at him and shrugged as he flopped down onto his side. “I know. That was for me.”

Kash’s cheeks heated. Did he mean—but no. No, that wasn’t possible. Except…maybe it was? He studied Adele’s face. He looked exactly the same. He was wearing the same soft, happy expression he always wore every time he looked at Kash. The one he’d had when they were kids. And when they crept into their teens. It was the same one he’d worn at his own wedding when he looked back to see Kash crying of a broken heart. He’d used it for Kash that day, not for his ex.

And while he’d spent his life trying not to read into that, it was getting harder and harder to ignore the signs.

“I’m happy here,” Adele said softly, shattering his inner monologue.

“Me too.” Kash meant more than just at the beach with the ocean a few feet from their toes. But he wasn’t brave enough to say that aloud. Not yet. He shielded his eyes from the sun with the side of his hand as he turned his gaze up to the sky.

It was mostly sunny, a few wispy clouds off in the distance. It was the perfect day. The humidity was like a soft blanket on the spring breeze, and the air was just warm enough to be comfortable. He never wanted to leave. Especially when he knew he could roll over and press his lips to Adele’s skin. Even if he didn’t have the courage to do that.

“What are you thinking about?”

Kash swallowed heavily, holding back the words he wanted to say. “I think I can do this. Live like this, I mean. Whatever this new life is.”

“I know you can.” Adele settled on his back, then shifted closer and groped until he found Kash’s hand. His palm was warm and sweaty and perfect. He lifted Kash’s arm and stared at where they were joined together, brows furrowed like he was studying the way it looked. Then he ran his thumb over Kash’s knuckles. “You’re not going to leave me again, are you?”

“No.”

“And you’re not staying because you have to,” Adele said.

Kash squeezed his hand. “The only place I have ever wanted to be is here with you. It was ridiculous that I thought I had to let you go when you got married.”

Adele closed his eyes, his face full of old, atrophied pain. “It feels like a different lifetime. Like I was a different person back then.”

Kash thought the same thing, but in reality, Adele damn near was. He was quieter, angrier, more lost. He wasn’t the person Kash had grown up with. It was like the real him had gotten lost at sea.

It hadn’t lasted.

But Kash hadn’t known how to come back again when the man he loved had finally resurfaced. He didn’t know where he fit in with Adele’s new life, so he’d stayed away. He knew now that was the wrong choice, but he couldn’t turn back time. There was only going forward.

“You forgive me, right? For the way I left?”

Adele blinked at him, then rolled over and took Kash by the chin, holding his gaze. “There’s nothing to forgive. Nothing changed, Kash. I love you now like I loved you then. ”

Kash wasn’t sure if he should be elated or crushed by those words. But there was only one answer he could give back, and there was no hesitation as those words left his lips. “I love you too.”

Adele knocked their foreheads together. “Come on. Let’s go get some shells and get our feet wet. We have all day, but I don’t want to squander it by being morose and thinking about all the mistakes we made.”

“Yeah,” Kash said softly. His head felt like it was spinning. Adele loved him now like he loved him then. Which meant what? Had he been blind this whole time? Or was he looking for signs that weren’t really there?

God help him, he was a mess, and he had no idea if the mental knots he’d tied could ever be undone.