Chapter 1

one

KASH

“Kash? Please tell me my brother didn’t forget to pick you up?”

Kash grimaced at the sound of Bowen’s question. Staring across the walkway, he spied Adele’s miserable face in the back of the cop car, and he sighed heavily. “No. He didn’t forget to pick me up. He, uh…well. He got arrested.”

There was a long beat of silence, and then Bowen said, “Well. I guess that’s one way to welcome you home.”

Kash should have known to expect something ridiculous. Adele was the master of ridiculous. On prom night, Adele crashed the dance wearing the school mascot costume.

During Homecoming, he put fireworks under the float—and that had nearly been a disaster for the entire school. The only reason he wasn’t arrested for that one was that no one knew who’d done it, and Kash wasn’t about to sell out his best friend.

For graduation, Adele broke out into a break dance—not a good one, but a memorable one.

When they finished their firefighter training, Adele got down on one knee and proposed to him, asking Kash to be his partner for life. But not in the way Kash had always fantasized about.

Adele was married then, and he seemed happy. And while Kash laughed at the ridiculous question and said yes, his heart shattered into a thousand pieces knowing that Adele would never want him back.

He’d moved shortly after that and hoped things would grow stale between them. That his feelings would fade and his heart would move on.

Now, almost twenty years later, he realized that had been entirely and completely false hope. He was as in love as ever, as exasperated as ever watching Adele stare forlornly across the street, and feeling completely and utterly fucked. But he was home.

And this time, he was pretty sure it was for good.

Something was wrong with him—something very, very wrong—and the only person he wanted to be around was Adele.

Who was, of course, currently sitting in the back of a cop car because he thought pretending to be a kidnapper at an airport was a good idea.

Kash hadn’t expected it—even though he probably should have. But he was jet-lagged and exhausted and stressed. So when a stranger came up and tried to put a bag over his head, he’d fought with all of his weak limbs and screamed for help.

The cops had Adele on the ground before Kash realized who it was, and no amount of apologizing was changing their minds about slapping him in cuffs and shoving him into the back of the patrol car. For all the people in the world who should have known not to fuck around like that at an airport, it was Adele. And for all the people who would have thrown that out the window to be a dipshit in hopes it would make Kash laugh, it was also Adele.

“How much bail money should I pull out?” Bowen asked.

“I’m not sure. I think it’s a bigger crime when you’re involved in an attempted kidnapping at an airport,” Kash said miserably.

“He did what?” Bowen demanded.

Kash laughed in spite of himself. “Yeah. He thought it would be funny. He bought a black bag to put over my head and jumped me from behind. Cops were on him before I figured out who he was, and they were pissed.”

“Oh my God, he is a moron,” Bowen groaned. “Fuck, let me find my keys and Lane’s emergency credit card. You’re going to need a ride, and he’s going to need a damn lawyer.”

“Yeah, I, oh —” He stopped when one of the officers opened the back door and Adele stepped out. He wasn’t in handcuffs, and he looked absolutely mortified. “Wait, I think they’re letting him go.”

“He probably had them call that jackass Tom?—”

“Wait. The guy who used to bully you?” Kash asked. He remembered Tom. He and Adele had threatened Tom more than once, but the guy had it out for Bowen.

“Yeah,” Bowen said with a laugh. “He’s a little better now. Though no surprise the guy became a fucking cop. Anyway, he owes Adele, so I’m sure he’ll get him out of this.”

“He’s walking over,” Kash said. His legs felt even weaker, and he knew it was from the stress, but he was officially terrified he was going to collapse and be forced to explain everything before he was ready. “Talk later?”

“I’m sure I’ll see you this evening,” Bowen said .

Kash hung up and shoved his phone into his pocket as the airport cop and Adele made their way over to him. The cop had dark, narrow eyes, and he didn’t look entirely convinced this whole thing was on the up and up. Kash had half a mind to make Adele stew in his own juices in a holding cell for a while to remind him that actions had consequences.

But the moment he looked at Adele’s face, he couldn’t. He’d missed him. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in Adele’s arms—and technically, that was allowed again since Adele was divorced now and had been for years.

He still wasn’t sure if there was a line he wasn’t supposed to cross, but he did know he shouldn’t send his best friend to jail for being a jackass.

“I think we’ve got this all cleared up,” the cop said, “so long as you’re willing to corroborate his statement that this was all a prank.”

Kash rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Unfortunately, I’ve known him for over twenty years, and this was definitely something I should have expected.”

Adele sighed and looked very contrite. “I really am sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I was just excited to see you, and I thought it would be funny?—”

“You thought kidnapping a disabled man in an airport would be funny ?” the cop demanded.

“What? He’s not—” Adele stopped as his gaze found Kash’s cane.

He almost forgot he was carrying it, but he’d needed it to walk the length of the airport. Adele was well aware Kash had been keeping something from him, and he’d been up his ass about confessing.

He hadn’t planned on Adele figuring it out like this. He’d wanted to sit him down and explain—not that he had a lot of answers. His doctors were completely stumped, and all he had were more questions and a collapsable cane he found for cheap on Amazon to keep him from falling over when he tried to get from one end of the airport to the other.

Adele swallowed thickly. “Since when?”

“Let’s talk in the car,” Kash said. He turned his attention to the cop. “Are you filing a report?”

“No,” the cop said. “Just use better judgment next time.” He gave Adele one last stern look, then walked away.

“Bowen said you’re friends with Tom now,” Kash said as he reached behind him for the handle on his suitcase. “Did you call him?”

Adele beat him to it, and Kash didn’t put up a fight. “That fuck-face? Fat chance. He’s not as awful as he used to be, but we will never be friends, and he’d probably laugh his ass off as they carted me off to jail.”

Kash knew that in spite of not being completely absent from Adele’s life over the last decade and a half, there was still so much he’d missed. He took a breath, then leaned heavily on his cane and started forward toward the crosswalk.

“Is this from the incident last year?” Adele asked. “You said you’d recovered from that. Wasn’t it a concussion?”

Kash could feel his friend’s eyes on his gait. His legs moved stiffly. What Adele couldn’t see were his toes curled painfully in his boots or the orthotics he had on under his jeans because his ankles didn’t cooperate anymore. At least, not all the time.

“It was a concussion,” he told him quickly. The incident had been getting hit by a falling beam, then pinned beneath it. He’d been carted off with a grade 2 concussion and several second-degree burns that eventually healed without too much scarring.

But a few weeks after he’d been cleared to return to work, shit hit the fan. So to speak. His legs started getting stiff, his feet refusing to move. It was almost like he was paralyzed but without the numbness. It began to spread to his arms and hands after that, and that’s when he panicked.

And that’s when all of his specialists began to shake their heads and tell him they had no idea what was going on.

“Things got weird after I was cleared to go back to work. We’ve been trying to figure it out since then, and they don’t know if it’s from the head injury or not.”

“Okay, but what is it?” Adele pressed.

He didn’t know. He needed more testing. And a couple of his doctors had suspicions that it could be something that led to a drastically shortened lifespan. That was what had him panicking. That was the news that sent him back across the country and into Adele’s arms. So to speak.

He needed the diagnosis to confirm it before he said anything though. He had no plans to freak everyone out without being absolutely sure that his life was not only about to change but that it was almost over.

“Can we not talk about it right now?” Kash asked him.

“But—”

“You owe me after what you did.”

Adele’s jaw snapped shut so loudly Kash could hear it. He took a few more steps to catch up with him, then slowed his pace so they were elbow-to-elbow. “I’m sorry about that. I…I don’t know what I was thinking. I thought it would be funny,” he repeated weakly.

“Maybe if I wasn’t running on forty-eight hours of no sleep, I could have chuckled, but I legit thought I was about to die.”

“Fuck. I’m so sorry. How can I make it up to you?” Adele grabbed him and halted his step, looking into Kash’s eyes. “Seriously. Let me fix it.”

“A back rub,” Kash told him honestly, softening because he could never be mad at him, no matter how hard he tried. “Deep tissue with a fuckload of Tiger Balm. And definitely a Studio Ghibli marathon.”

Adele’s face softened. “Burritos?”

“Extra queso,” Kash said. He spotted Adele’s SUV not too far away, and he let out a sigh of relief. “It’s really good to see you.”

Adele stopped short of the passenger door, let the suitcase go, then gathered Kash tightly to his chest. Being in his arms felt like coming home, and a wave of grief hit Kash in the chest. He didn’t want to give this up. He didn’t want his life to be over so fucking soon.

But that was a problem for tomorrow. Right now, there was just this. “I missed you,” Kash said very quietly.

He felt chaste, warm lips press against his temple and then heard the murmured words against it. “I missed you too. But it’s good now. It’s fine. You’re home.”

And he was. But he didn’t know for how long.

Kash’s cover was blown when he fell on the way into the house. He’d known the flight was going to make him unsteady on his feet. The most random things seemed to trigger his weakness and tension in his muscles, but he hadn’t expected it to hit him while he was mid-step.

That was…new .

And really not fun.

He hit the ground before he had the ability to brace himself, and Adele had been a dozen steps ahead of him and didn’t turn around until Kash’s body thudded against the wooden porch. Kash had turned his head to the side to prevent himself from breaking his nose on the fall, so he didn’t see Adele move, but he heard his heavy footfalls as he threw himself from the door to his knees at Kash’s side.

“What—”

“Don’t ask,” Kash begged. “Just…can you help me in, please?” He hated asking, but his legs were so stiff he couldn’t turn his ankles, and he could feel his toes curled tightly in his shoes.

He knew Adele noticed when he got him up, considering how Kash couldn’t actually move his legs. “I need to carry you,” Adele murmured.

Kash’s face was bright red and molten-lava hot as his best friend lifted him by the waist and pulled him the few feet across the threshold. He said a prayer Gage wasn’t there to see this. Or Bowen. Or any of Adele’s new, amazing, ridiculously good-looking friends who had become part of his life while Kash was away.

He swallowed bitter resentment down as Adele literally dragged him into the living room, and by the time he was on the couch, he was calmer.

The place looked exactly the same as it had years back when Kash had last visited. Gage had only been thirteen at the time, and Kash had only stayed forty-eight hours. He’d left with the same aching pain in his heart he’d arrived with. Nothing had changed. There were no sudden and wild realizations that led Adele into his arms. And his pants. There was just a renewing of his aching need for a man he could never have .

It felt a little worse now because Adele was still very much single and still not looking Kash’s way.

“Are we going to talk about this yet?” Adele asked, crouching beside him on the floor. He got Kash’s legs up on a handful of throw pillows. Kash didn’t have the heart to tell him that elevating his feet wouldn’t make a difference.

“No,” he answered stiffly.

Adele raised a brow at him. “Really?”

Kash lifted his hands, grateful his fingers weren’t stiff like his lower limbs, and he covered his face. “Tomorrow?”

“I’m literally going to hold you hostage if you back out on this deal,” Adele warned him. Kash was still covering his eyes, but he heard the shift of Adele’s clothes, then felt the warm press of his lips against his temple. “Hang tight. I’m going to get your stuff.”

“Not like I could go anywhere,” Kash muttered when he was sure Adele was out of earshot. He tested his feet, but it was no use. They were like concrete below the hips. His thighs and calves were so tense they wanted to tremble, but his muscles refused to give an inch.

He was paralyzed.

And he was now on the hook about telling Adele the truth.

The only problem was the answers Adele wanted weren’t answers Kash could give him. He would give just about anything to know what the fuck was wrong with him so he could give himself some peace of mind. Or at least a place to start. Hell, he could start looking into treatments because living like this was an absolute nightmare.

But so far, he was surviving on the doctor hand-wave of indifference. We don’t know. We don’t know how to find out. Here’s the number to some different specialists. Good luck and Godspeed .

The door opened and shut a few times before he saw Adele pass by the living room archway. He was dragging Kash’s bags, and he didn’t stop until his hands were empty and he was breathing a little heavily. He appeared fully a moment later, resting his shoulder against the wall, and he looked at Kash with an unreadable expression.

But that only lasted a moment. “Do you want to be in bed?”

“I’m going to stay here for a bit, if that’s alright with you.”

“You don’t need to ask me for permission to do things in your own home,” Adele said, walking forward.

Kash rolled his eyes. “It’s not my?—”

Adele moved faster than he could keep up with, pressing two fingers to Kash’s lips. “Yes. It is. It always has been, and it always will be. I don’t care where either one of us are in life or how much we’re pissed off at each other.”

“Or who we’re married to?”

Adele met his gaze, unwavering and unrepentant. “Yes. If you ever feel like you aren’t welcome here, I will remedy that quickly. And you know damn well I won’t be making that mistake again.”

At that, Kash managed a small but very genuine smile. God, he’d missed his best friend. Pain and pining aside, he’d never been so happy to be somewhere that wasn’t his own personal space. “So. I believe I was promised a massage and a Studio Ghibli marathon.”

Adele clapped his hands together as he stood. “I’ve got oils.” He paused and turned back to Kash slowly. “Can I use oils on you?”

“Yes. But don’t be offended if my legs don’t respond right away. It’s…a thing. ”

“A thing we’re going to talk about tomorrow,” Adele pressed.

Kash rolled his eyes. “I won’t have a lot to say, but yes.”

Adele looked like he wanted to argue or maybe push the issue further. But after a beat, his shoulders sagged, and he reached down, grabbing the remote off the coffee table and tossing it onto Kash’s stomach. “Streaming stuff is in the main menu. You pick the movie. I’ll handle the oils and the snacks.”

That was something he could do. Very easily, in fact. And while that was exactly what Kash had expected when he decided to come home to Adele, it still got to him. He felt a lump rising in the base of his throat, and he tried to swallow past it.

He didn’t want to break down. Not yet. Not before he even realized what was happening to him. He wanted to be present in the moment and savor this time with Adele because he knew it wasn’t meant to last. At some point, Adele would find the person who made his heart skip a beat. The person who made him feel like he was home.

Someone who loved Gage as his own, who fit seamlessly in with his friends and allowed Adele to feel like he was finally where he was meant to be. And then he’d lose him all over again, like when he’d gotten married the first time. Only this time would be forever. This time would be the right person, and while he would always love Kash, he would find his happily ever after without him.

“Movie?”

Kash realized he hadn’t moved. He still had the remote in his hand, pointed at the TV. “Sorry.”

Adele walked in with a small tea tray full of snacks and two bottles of bright yellow oil and set it down on the coffee table. His brow was creased with worry, which made him look his age. Kash’s stomach twisted as he realized moments like this were finite. Would he be around to see Adele get greyer? Would he be there to poke fun at his deepening wrinkles, or knobby knuckles, or when his laugh turned into a wheeze?

He didn’t want this. God, he didn’t want this.

His eyes were getting hot, and he blinked quickly, trying to hold off his tears. He felt weak—both physically and emotionally. He felt like one stiff breeze blowing the wrong way and he’d shatter.

Adele obviously noticed because he quickly knelt beside him and took the remote away before grabbing his hands. “I love you. You’re my best friend in the whole world, and whatever’s wrong, I know you know I’m here for you.”

Kash tried not to wince because he wanted to hear those three words, but not in that context. “I know.”

Adele sighed. “I don’t like seeing you in pain.”

“There’s nothing you can do about it,” Kash told him, “except be here with me. Okay?”

“Are you dying?”

Kash’s whole body went numb for a brief second. No. But also, maybe. He didn’t know, but signs weren’t pointing in the best direction right now, and that was the terrifying part he hadn’t admitted aloud.

He groaned and rolled his eyes. “ Adele .”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.” Adele tried for a smile and succeeded, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Start the movie.” He pulled the coffee table closer to the couch, then lifted Kash’s legs and set them on his lap. “We’re not talking about any more heavy stuff, and I promise, no more ridiculous questions.”

The question wasn’t ridiculous, but Kash wasn’t about to tell him that. He didn’t want to encourage Adele to try and break the promise that all the intense stuff could wait until tomorrow. Because he knew, in reality, he would crack. He always gave in to anything Adele wanted. It was too easy to make him happy, and too often, Kash lived for his smile. Things were too much, and he was determined to make the most of these few hours he had before he had to confess that his life had changed. That so far, there was no treatment and no cure because they didn’t know what it was, and he was done holding his breath waiting on someone to figure it out.

This was probably his new normal, for however long it lasted. So he wanted to bask, and feel, and rest.

Adele’s hands were warming oil, and soon, they’d be all over him. They’d be watching their comfort movies and eating snacks, and eventually, they’d start laughing again.

It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t ideal. But it was something, and Kash could live with that.