8. Clover

Iget up from the couch in Emily's A-frame and pour myself a second glass of wine in her tiny kitchen. I watch the crimson liquid slosh around in my glass as Trish, Emily, and Emily's girlfriend, Kim, all laugh where they're crammed together on Emily's couch.

They've got Trish's girlfriend, Kennedy, on a video call on Emily's laptop. All four of them keep laughing at some joke I didn't catch while I get settled back in the armchair and take a few gulps of my wine.

"Kennedy can't see you over there," Trish complains.

I gesture at the packed couch. "Do you want me to sit on your lap or something?"

Emily usually leaves the joking around to Trish, but she's almost through her second glass of wine and seems to have committed to a rare evening of relaxing instead of running around micromanaging the entire campground.

"Great idea!" she says, patting her lap and then Kim's before reaching over to pat Trish's lap too. "Just come lay across all of us. It'll be perfect."

I lift my glass up. "No, thanks. I'm keeping my merlot safe over here."

"Party pooper!" Kennedy calls out from the laptop, the speakers turning her voice tinny.

"I think you guys will survive."

Trish makes a face at me, but a few seconds later, the four of them are engrossed back in their conversation.

I've met Kennedy a couple times during her visits from Toronto, and Kim has basically taken up part-time residence at Three Rivers since moving out to Nanaimo to be closer to Emily after they met a year ago. I'm thrilled both my sisters seem to have found their forever people, but things like this wine night just seem to emphasize how much closer Trish and Emily are to each other than to me, especially now that they're dating two women who are also best friends.

Emily kept promising I wouldn't feel like a fifth wheel tonight, but sitting by myself on the armchair while they go on about yet another inside joke I probably wouldn't understand even if I did get an explanation, it's hard to see where my wheel is supposed to attach to this vehicle.

I sit through another few sips of wine and then decide to escape to the bathroom for a minute. Emily works as an interior designer during the off-season, so the whole A-frame looks like something straight out of a trendy magazine. She hasn't gotten around to renovating the tiny bathroom yet, but even her temporary décor solutions look a million times better than any of the shitty student apartments I've lived in.

Her extensive skincare collection is displayed in a variety of glass containers on some dainty-looking clear shelves. Like any self-respecting little sister, I start going through them and sampling the ones that sound the most interesting.

I'm all for appreciating the wonders of nature, but skincare fanatics really do believe some highly unscientific stuff about the power of various animal secretions. One study done on twenty people does not mean caterpillar droppings are magic, or whatever it is they're putting in these things.

That doesn't stop me from trying as many as I can before I risk Emily coming over to check on me.

While I'm waiting for a couple serums to soak in so I can test their so-called ‘instant brightening' effect, I hop up to sit with my legs dangling off the bathroom counter and pull out my phone. I have a few texts from some of my friends back in Victoria to catch up on.

I wince when I remember only a couple of them are still in Victoria at all. This autumn will be the first year we don't all go back to the same school.

I'm not just starting a new degree in September; I'm starting a whole new chapter of my life.

Bianca, one of my closest friends and constant housing buddy since we got assigned to the same dorm room back in first year, texted me yesterday asking for updates on the Neavh situation, and I've been putting off getting back to her. I sigh and decide there's no time like the present before glancing at the closed bathroom door.

My sisters and their girlfriends are still chatting away with no sign of wondering where I am, so I lift the phone up to my face to send a voice note.

"Hey, Beebee," I say into the microphone. "Sorry I took so long to get back to you. Things are really getting busy at the campground, so I've been out supervising all the newbies pretty much non-stop. As you can probably guess, that means I don't have any Neavh news for you."

Bianca's been asking about Neavh so much I should come up with a theme song to introduce the Neavh News section of our chats.

"I haven't seen her since we went to the bar together," I continue. "I keep telling myself that's for the best, but… I mean, it is for the best. It's just… Shit, I think this wine is kicking in."

I force myself to chuckle. My head is spinning, but it's not from the merlot. I feel dizzy every time I think about the way Neavh looked at me when I held her hand at the bar. Touching her felt like a current of memories passing between us, like our skin remembered all the moments we'd forgotten about, all the times we'd touched without even thinking about it because we assumed we'd have so much more time.

She'd always grab my hand when we were out in the woods together, when the snap of a tree branch or the scuffling of an animal in the undergrowth would startle her city girl nerves. She was fearless about sneaking into parties we weren't invited to or conning our way into some beer we were too young to buy, but in the forest, she clung to me. She needed me. This girl who was so brave and bright and bold needed me to hold her steady while I showed her my world.

Before her, I was just the littlest sister, just the one who needed to work twice as hard to prove I could do things on my own, but with Neavh, I never had to prove anything. She saw me for who I was right from the start.

I go silent for so long the voice note cuts off.

"Sorry," I say after starting a new one. "My sisters are doing this wine night thing. I'm hiding in the bathroom like a loser. Ugh, I don't know why I can't stop acting so weird this summer. I sound like an angsty teenager. Anyway, I miss you."

My voice catches, and I squeeze the phone extra tight as I sign off.

"I really miss you, Beebee. I wish you were here."

I hop down off the counter just as someone starts knocking on the door.

"Clover?" Emily calls through the wood. "Are you okay?"

I crack the door open and find her standing just inches away with a concerned look on her face.

"Oh, um, yeah," I say as she takes a step back. "I just got caught up answering some texts from Bianca. I'm pretty tired from work today, to be honest. I think I might head back to the house."

She crosses her arms over her chest and tilts her head in a way that makes my breath catch.

Sometimes she looks so much like our mom it knocks the wind out of me. Emily is the only one in the family who has blonde hair like her. She has mom's eyes too, with the exact same look in them when she gets worried about me.

"You sure?" Emily asks, her voice breaking the illusion.

I'm back to reality, where I'll never see my mom looking worried about me ever again. I'll never hear the words she could always find to make me feel better when Emily and Trish were too caught up in their own games to let me tag along and play.

"Yeah," I say, nodding and stepping past Emily so I don't have to look at her anymore.

The rest of the group protests and tells me I should stick around for more wine, but I stay strong and have myself buried under an old crocheted afghan in the living room a few minutes later.

Dad is already asleep upstairs, but Newt comes trotting down to join me. He and Jinx have forged a truce over the past few days, and she seems content to let him lie on the floor beside the couch while she curls up on my stomach.

I've been swiping through my phone for a few minutes, using the brain melting powers of the internet to distract me from my thoughts, when a text from Bianca asking me if I want to call tonight pops up.

I press the call button before I can think any harder about it, and she picks up after a couple rings.

"Well, that was fast," she says in greeting. "You didn't even give me time to go poop first."

Only Bianca.

"Ew," I say, already laughing as my mood lightens at just the sound of her voice. "TMI, girl."

She laughs too. "I'm kidding. You did catch me in the middle of dinner, but I can talk and eat."

"Dinner?" I pull my phone away from my ear to check the time. "Why are you eating dinner at nine?"

"We went farther than planned on the dive today. Oh my god, though, it was so worth it. Let me tell you about this one set of specimens."

She proceeds to fill me in on all the latest details of her summer research project on kelp conservation, which will also be the focus of her Master's. Bianca knows more about kelp than almost anyone else in the entirety of western Canada.

The thing about being an environmental science major is that you end up with a lot of friends who have some extremely specific fields of expertise.

After we've debriefed on the kelp, Bianca asks me if I'd prefer to talk about my life or be distracted from it.

"I don't even know," I say after considering for a moment. "I just can't stop feeling weird. It's like…it's like I don't fit here like I used to, which is crazy because it's not like anything has changed, and I don't know where else I'd even want to be. I love Three Rivers. It's my home. I've always been excited to come back for the summer."

I can hear the sound of Bianca chewing on the other end of the line. She takes a sip of something before she speaks.

"Do you think it has to do with graduating? That would make sense. I mean, I haven't even left Victoria, and I still feel weird about being done. So many people we know are just gone now. I'd probably be having a full-on identity crisis if I didn't know you were coming back in the fall."

A pang of something that feels a lot like guilt twists in my stomach. I squirm on the couch, which earns me a dirty look from Jinx.

The guilt is mixed with confusion. There's nothing for me to feel guilty about. I am going back to Victoria. I'm staying on the island. That's always been the plan.

Neavh's face swims into view in my thoughts to remind me that once upon a time, I did have a different plan, but I push that thought away like I'm swatting cobwebs out of my mind.

"I have been feeling weird about graduating," I admit. "It's kind of like…like everyone told us we were entering the real world after high school, but now we're hitting this whole new level of real that no one prepared us for. It's messing with my head. I've known exactly what I want to do with my life for years, but I just…I don't know. I feel weird."

Bianca is quiet for a moment before she says, "And I take it Neavh being around isn't helping with all the weirdness?"

I groan and roll onto my side. Jinx leaps off me and over a now snoring Newt before sashaying off to the kitchen.

"It's the last thing I need. I get she has nowhere else to go, but it's messing with my head. I just want it all to stay in the past. I was fine with it being in the past for years, but now that she's here, I can't stop thinking about what could have…"

I trail off when I realize what I'm about to say.

"What could have…been?" Bianca prompts.

I huff into the phone.

"It sounds so cheesy out loud. It's not even about her. It's just…I never even took a summer off to travel. I never did a semester abroad. After my mom passed away, it wasn't even something I considered. My family needs me, and I have everything I need here. I've always felt that way. It's just…"

I fidget with the hem of the blanket while I press my lips together to hold back from saying more.

"You're wondering if there's more out there for you," Bianca says, the words cautious, like she's testing them out.

"No," I say, louder than I meant to. "No, it's not that. I've always planned on staying close to home, and I know I want to spend my life making the biggest difference I can for the planet. I want to stay in school. I want to stay on the island. I just…want to stop feeling weird about it."

Bianca lets out a soft chuckle. "Yeah, I get that."

"Plus, it doesn't help that so much has happened here without me the past year," I add. "Emily is in love. Trish is in love, and she's come out. The campground is doing better than it has in years, and my dad…"

Another stab of guilt hits my stomach, this one much sharper than before.

I shouldn't be anything other than thrilled to see how far Dad has come in recovering. For almost two years after Mom died, he'd go days at a time without talking to anyone. He'd disappear on his boat with Newt and stay out from dawn to dusk, just staring at the water.

When things were at their worst, Trish would call me. Emily would be too committed to playing the independent eldest daughter role and handling everything herself, but Trish would call me and ask if I could come home for a couple days.

He'd always get better when I came home.

We wouldn't talk about it. He and I never need to say much to each other. There's always been a stillness between us, deep as the roots of an ancient fir tree. I'd go out in the boat with him, and after a couple hours of watching the waves, he'd put his hand on my shoulder and call me his little goose girl. Then we'd go back home, and he'd stop shutting himself up in his room or out on the boat, at least until the next time Trish called.

I slide my arm out from under the blanket and wedge my phone between my chin and my shoulder so I can run my finger along the edge of the bracelet I almost always wear. The band is made of leather so worn I'm sure I'll need to replace it any day now, but the charm in the middle is still bright silver: a Canada goose with its wings stretched out to fly home.

"He's doing much better," I say, tucking my arm back under the blanket. "It feels like they've got it all figured out, and I'm just…here."

Bianca lets out a sympathetic sigh. "I wish I could hug you, bestie."

"Me too," I say. "You think you could convince one of your research boats to drive you up here?"

She chuckles. "I'm sure the team would love to chauffeur me around. I'll put the request in now."

I laugh too. "Thanks. I'll keep an eye on the ocean."

"Seriously, though," she adds, "if you want to come down for a few days, you can totally crash with me. My schedule is a little too packed to leave Victoria any time soon, but my door is always open for you."

My chest warms at the offer, but my own full time schedule as an assistant manager means I have to turn her down.

"Maybe it would help if you had, I don't know, a project, or something?" she suggests. "Your whole life revolves around the campground all summer, and now you can't even relax when you do leave Three Rivers because you've got to worry about running into Neavh. Maybe you need something in your life to take your mind off all that."

A spark of interest makes me sit up straight on the couch.

"That actually sounds like a really good idea."

"Oh, good!" Bianca says. "I'm just talking out of my ass here, but I'm glad it resonated."

"You're pretty good at that," I say with a laugh. "What project do you suggest?"

She hums and takes a couple more sips of her drink before answering. "Maybe you could build something."

I scoff. "Build something?"

"Yeah! You could make, like, a tree house for the campground or something. Isn't working with your hands like that supposed to be good for your mental health? It's meditative and shit."

I clap my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing hard enough to wake my dad up.

"You think it would be meditative for me to make a tree house? I'm a scientist, Bianca, not an engineer. You really think it would be a good de-stressing experience for me to build something children are supposed to be able to play on without dying?"

She huffs at me and takes a few more bites of food.

"Okay, fine, not a tree house," she drawls once she's finished. "Maybe you could make, like, a yurt instead."

I full-on guffaw at that.

"A yurt? Where are you coming up with these things?"

"Yurts are cool!" she protests. "Remember when those guys built a yurt on campus as part of a project for some class? It was so awesome inside! Plus, they literally just ordered a yurt making kit online and got it delivered. You could totally build a yurt."

I cover my mouth with my hand again. Newt looks up at the sputtering sounds I'm making, and his confused expression just makes me laugh even harder.

Calling Bianca tonight was definitely the right choice. I haven't laughed this hard since I graduated.

"Why would I build a yurt?" I choke out. "Why the hell would I do that, Bianca?"

"Because they are cool," she says, in the tone you'd use to explain basic math to a kindergartner. "Plus, you could rent it out when it's done. You could have a whole side hustle going. Tourists love yurts. They would literally kill to stay in one of those things in the middle of a fir tree forest. This could keep you busy all summer long!"

I snort. "Right. Yeah. Okay. I'll get right on becoming the yurt mogul of River's Bend."

"That's my girl!" she shouts.

"You're crazy," I tell her.

"You love me," she shoots back.

I assure her I do, and after a few more jokes about this insane yurt building scheme, we decide to call it a night so she can do her dishes and I can get ready for sleep.

Once I'm curled up in bed, I stare at the familiar shapes of the knots and whorls in the log walls of my room as they glint in the moonlight spilling around the edge of the curtains.

I know each shape by heart. I've memorized the way the lines and waves arrange themselves into the heads and bodies of wild animals. I know all their names. I recognize every one of them.

I wonder if they still recognize me.