24. Clover

Trish makes my favourite vegetarian chili recipe for dinner the night I get home from Victoria. It's almost eight at night by the time I roll up to the house, after taking a bus to Nanaimo and then hitching a ride to Three Rivers with Emily's girlfriend, but the rest of the family has waited for us to have a meal all together.

"There you go, Clo," Trish says as she sets a steaming bowl of chili down in front of me and then garnishes it with a dollop of sour cream and a sprinkle of sliced green onions. "Just the way you like it."

Everyone is once again being way too nice to me, plastering on too-cheerful smiles and periodically asking if I'm all right or if I need anything.

I haven't told them anything about my argument with Neavh, but I have to admit there aren't many other explanations for me requesting an extra day off work and then escaping to the other end of the island with zero warning, all while refusing to answer any questions about why I was leaving.

As I watch them all pretend they're not watching me while we dig into our first bites of chili, I wait for that same flare of irritation I've felt around them all summer.

I have to set my spoon down for a second when I realize I'm not annoyed at all.

It's almost as if I've taken a step back from the scene and can see them all for what they truly are: my family. My messy, imperfect, overly concerned and way too interfering family.

My family who loves me, who cares about me, who will always go out of their way to make sure I'm all right.

I might wish they didn't go so far out of their way sometimes. I might wish they didn't worry. I might wish they didn't pry, but I know they've only ever done it all out of love.

We stick together. Sometimes we might stick together too tight, but that's what has gotten us through everything life has thrown at Three Rivers, and over the past few years, life has thrown a lot.

I look at Emily, always so poised and pristine with her blonde hair swishing around in that trademark tight ponytail, and I know she's hidden more struggles than I'll ever hear about behind a bright smile and her constant hustling around the campground.

I look at Kim, the anchor to Emily's speedboat, the quiet weight that keeps her steady. She's been in our lives for less than two years, and yet a space at the table already feels empty whenever she's not here. She showed my sister it was okay to live again after we lost Mom, and in doing that, she helped bring all of Three Rivers back to life too.

I look at Trish and see the way she glows whenever someone lets out an appreciative ‘mmm' while eating their chili. She's been glowing a lot lately; every week seems to bring some new win for her work with the grocery store, but it's more than that. She's found Kennedy, and through her, she's finally getting to know her whole self.

I look at my dad, and I find him looking straight back at me.

He's looking at me like I'm one of the most important people in the entire world, like nothing could ever come before me, like he'd fight tooth and nail just to have one shot at making my life even a fraction better than it already is.

My eyes begin to sting, and I can only meet his gaze for a second before I have to turn away.

He's been through so much. He's been to darker places than any of us can imagine in the years since we lost Mom. He's only just started to become the father I remember from when I was a kid, the grumpy grizzly bear who'd sit stoic for everyone else but make the most ridiculous silly faces at me any chance he got.

He's becoming the father who took me out to look for goose eggs every time I asked, who tied the silver goose bracelet around my wrist on my eighth birthday and told me he always would.

How could I turn around and leave him?

How could I turn around and leave them all?

"Clover?"

Emily's voice pierces through my thoughts. I blink to bring my eyes back into focus and find her gawking at me from her spot across the table.

Everyone is looking at me now.

I glance down at my bowl and realize my spoon has tumbled out of my hand to plop straight into the glob of sour cream. A speckled, red and white mess has streaked almost all the way over to Emily's plate.

"O-oh." My voice sounds like it's coming from far away as I hunt for something to say. "Um, whoops?"

I force a tittering laugh, but no one joins in. If anything, they all just look more disturbed.

"Are you…okay?" Trish asks.

I try to tell her I'm fine, but I can't get the words out.

I'm not fine.

I haven't been fine all summer. Everyone at this table is doing the best they have in years, and I've been sitting on the sidelines wondering why I don't feel the same.

I've been lying to them.

I've been lying to myself.

I don't know how to leave, but I don't know how to stay either, not when staying is going to feel like this.

"I don't think I want to start my Master's in the fall."

Emily squints at me. Trish gawks with her mouth hanging open. Kim looks back and forth between me and my sisters, and my dad sets his spoon down on the edge of his bowl, his face unreadable beneath his beard.

"I think I want to postpone it," I add.

I try to stop there, but I know it's not enough. I know it's not the truth.

I'm not just thinking of a gap year this time. I don't know what exactly is looming before me, but I know it's bigger than anything I've ever considered before.

"Indefinitely," I say after sucking in a deep breath.

Silence fills the dining room, stretching on for so long my skin has started to crawl by the time Emily speaks.

"That's okay, Clover," she says, her reassuring tone edged with confusion. "You can take as much time off school as you want. You don't need to worry about that. We can always find a job for you at the campground, or I'm sure you could find something full time in Victoria if you want to stay there. You—"

"No."

Everyone's attention snaps to me. I squeeze my hands together in my lap to keep from blurting anything else out.

They don't understand. I still have to explain it, and the closer I get to making them understand, the closer I get to hurting them.

I can't look at my dad at all as I say, "I…I don't want to stay there."

Emily squints at me again. "Okay."

I can feel the tension in the room rise a few notches. Newt whines from where he's lying in the entry to the kitchen, staring up at us all with sorry-looking brown eyes.

"I think I…"

I choke on the rest of my sentence and end up coughing instead of spitting it out. Trish nudges my water glass closer to me, but I ignore it and shake my head.

"I think I want to leave the island."

Trish gasps. My dad braces both hands on the table, his face still a stony mask.

Emily sits up straighter in her chair, her eyes going wide.

"I-I mean, no," I stammer as panic blurs the edges of my vision. I can hear blood rushing in my ears. "No, I don't want that. I don't know what I want. I just…I mean, of course I don't want to leave. This is my home. I'm supposed to stay here. We're all supposed to stay together. We're family. I…"

I'm panting so hard I have to give up on speaking.

"Clover, it's okay," Emily urges, her face gone pale with alarm.

I shake my head and wrap my arms around my stomach. "It's not, though. It's not."

None of it is okay, and none of it is getting better—not if I don't change anything.

I have to finish what I've started here. I have to get this all out.

Even if my dad won't even look at me now.

My pulse surges even faster when I find the courage to glance at him and find him glaring a hole into the table top.

I snap my gaze away.

"The truth is, I do want to leave. I want to see more of the world. I want to be the best environmentalist I can be, and I don't know how I'm supposed to do my best to help the planet if I haven't even seen the planet."

I pause to squeeze my eyes shut, but I keep going.

"It's more than that, though. I want to do it for me. I want to do something for me. I know that sounds selfish, but I just…I don't know if I fit here the way I used to, and—"

The legs of my dad's chair make an awful grating sound as he pushes it away from the table and gets to his feet.

He walks out of the room without looking at any of us.

My heart drops all the way to my feet.

"Dad!" Emily shouts, jumping up as we all listen to the sound of the front door bang. "Dad, come back here! I—"

"Emily, no."

Once again, everyone's attention whips back to me.

"I'll talk to him," I tell her, my voice quiet but somehow steady.

Nothing about me feels steady, but I know I'm the one who has to go after him.

I'm the one who's hurt him. I'm the one who has to face what I've done.

I focus on taking a few more shuddering breaths as Emily sinks back into her seat.

"Clover," she says, hunching forward over the table still splattered with chili and sour cream, "you will always fit here."

Trish leans in closer too. "Of course you fit, Clo. If we've done anything to make you feel like you haven't—"

"No, it's not that," I cut in. "It's just…have you ever wondered if you're supposed to be out there doing something other than this?"

I gesture at the house around us, the same one the Rivers family has lived in for generations, the same one that has changed so little in all that time.

Trish and Emily both tilt their heads, looking way more alike than they usually do as they try to figure out what I mean.

It hits me then, harder than it has all summer.

I'm not the same as them, not like this, not anymore.

Maybe I never was.

"You haven't," I answer for them. "Neither of you have. Dad hasn't, not in his whole life."

I glance at Kim, still sitting quietly in her chair with wide eyes like she's not sure what to do with herself, and I realize even she shares it with them: this sense of certainty I can't seem to find.

"Kim, you basically moved in here after only a couple weeks," I say, "so I think you're also totally certain this is where you're supposed to be, but I…I'm not sure it's still like that for me."

Emily, who's usually a master of hiding her emotions, winces with pain.

"I'm sorry," I say, as the sight rips a hole in my chest. "I don't mean to hurt you. I shouldn't have said anything. I—"

"Clover" she interrupts, her ponytail swishing as she shakes her head, "you're not hurting us. You're just telling us the truth."

Trish coughs. "I mean, they do say the truth hurts."

Emily shoots her an absolute death glare.

"Kidding!" she adds. "Emily is right. You're just being true to yourself. You don't have to be exactly like us, Clo. I don't know why you wouldn't want to be like us. Kind of rude if you ask me, but—"

"Trish!" Emily hisses.

Trish holds up her hands. "I'm kidding! Ever heard of lightening the mood?"

I let out a watery chuckle as Emily fires off another death glare before turning back to me.

"Clover, how long have you felt this way?" she asks in a soft voice.

"I mean…it's mostly just been this summer, but…"

I stare down at my cooling chili for a moment before I admit the rest.

"Well, I've been thinking about it, and you know how I was planning on taking that gap year with Neavh back when I first met her? It was only ever supposed to be one year off school, but I look back now, and I…I don't know if I could have gone with her. I don't even know if I could go now. I just…I'm supposed to stay, right? I'm supposed to stay here? I'm supposed to be like all of you?"

The panic has returned, clawing at my chest while my heart clangs out an alarm.

I can't stop speaking in questions. I don't know how to be sure about any of this.

"You're not supposed to do anything except be yourself."

Kim's voice cuts through the haze.

She's barely spoken above a mumble, but her warm brown eyes are fixed on mine, grounding me like two stones, and she seems to banish all the tension from the room for a moment with just that one sentence.

She blinks and drops her gaze to the table before glancing at Emily.

"Sorry. I—"

"No." Emily cuts her off and lays a hand on her shoulder while she stares at her with a soft look on her face. "You're exactly right."

She takes her hand off Kim and then turns back to me.

"You don't need to have the same dreams and goals as us to be part of this family. That's not what family means."

I press my lips together, fighting to believe her.

"Isn't it, though?" I ask. "We're supposed to stick together."

Trish makes us all jump when she lets out a pointed scoff.

"You do know you have a cell phone, right, you idiot?"

Emily practically lunges for her throat.

"For god's sake, Trish!" she shouts as she smacks the table.

"I'm just saying she can call us!" Trish rolls her eyes at Emily before focusing back on me. "You're not going to fall off the face off the earth. I may not know much about science, but I do know that literally isn't even possible."

It's a ridiculous joke, but somehow, it still makes me crack a smile. Before I know it, I'm laughing in spite of myself, in spite of everything.

A loud donkey snort bursts out of me, and that gets everyone else laughing too. I clap my hands over my mouth, my cheeks going red with embarrassment even as I continue giggling.

"So you're not…mad?" I ask once we've all calmed down.

Emily shakes her head, her eyes shining with sincerity. "I'm not mad at all, Clo."

Trish nods her agreement.

"Surprised as hell? Sure, but of course I'm not mad. I'm just glad you told us." She leans a little closer to me, her tone taking on an extra somber note. "I know it's hard to speak up sometimes."

I fight off a sniffle as she stares deep into my eyes, and I realize she does know just how hard it is. It took her so many years before she felt ready to come out as herself.

The load on my shoulders gets a bit lighter as I tell myself someone else at this table understands just how hard it is to be something your family didn't expect.

"For the record, I'm not mad either."

I glance across the table to find Kim grinning at me. I smile back as all of us chuckle.

"Thank you, Kim," I say, laying my arm out across the table to give her hand a quick squeeze.

We sit in silence as we absorb the shock of the last few minutes, like we've just survived an earthquake together.

Emily is the first one to speak.

"So you…you want to go travelling with Neavh?"

I can tell she's fighting to keep her tone neutral, but I see the curiosity and even the wariness in the way everyone looks at me while they wait for my answer.

For the first time, I realize I might be partially to blame for the cautious welcome they've extended to Neavh this summer. I haven't given them much to go on. I've kept to myself, sulking about how they don't understand without giving them anything to even try understanding.

I've been scared that what I have with Neavh is just another part of me that won't fit into who I'm supposed to be here, but my sisters have shown me I fit more than I think.

"I don't know if things will work out with Neavh," I admit. "It's a bit of a mess right now. We had a fight, and I don't know where we stand, but I…I don't want to let her go, and if she'll have me, then…then, yeah. I want to see the world with her. I…I don't want to be without her again."

The magnitude of those words hangs in the air like the static threat of lightning—a crackling hum braced to strike.

There's no coming back from a feeling like that. However things turn out with Neavh, I've already walked straight into the storm.

I shake my head and order myself not to get caught up in those thoughts.

I have my family to think about now.

I have myself to think about too.

"This isn't just about her, though," I say. "I want to do this for me. I think…I think I have to do this for me."

Another load of weight drops off my shoulders.

I've said it. I've said it out loud, not just to myself or to my best friend, but to my family. I've declared the truth. I've let it flow out into the world instead of trying to keep it stuffed up and suffocated.

"Wow," Emily mumbles while shaking her head.

"What is it?" I ask, a spike of alarm ricocheting through me.

I don't have to stay worried for long. In the next second, she's beaming at me.

"I'm just admiring how brave my baby sister is."

Trish scrambles out of her chair and comes to stand behind mine so she can bend over and wrap her arms around me.

"Awww!" she coos as she squeezes me tight. "I feel the same! Our brave baby sis!"

I'm pretty sure she's crushing my lungs, but I don't try to wriggle away. Instead, I sag into her touch and let myself be supported.

"I'm surprised too, of course," Emily says. "You've had your whole life mapped out for years. I don't think any of us saw this coming, but…maybe we should have."

She sniffs, and Kim scoots her chair closer so she can lay her arm over Emily's shoulders while Emily continues.

"I know Mom would have."

I hear Trish's breath catch, and my own breath stills in my lungs.

"You were the surprise baby, after all," Emily continues. "You surprised us all the moment you came into the world. She would have known you'd go on to keep surprising us as you grew. She would have known this island was never going to be big enough to hold you, Clo."

Trish presses the side of her cheek against mine, nuzzling into me for a moment before she pulls away, swiping at her eyes.

My eyes are burning too, and my throat is clogged enough to make my voice hoarse when I say, "Yeah. I think she would have."

For a moment, I swear I can feel another pair of arms wrap around me, another soft cheek press against mine.

The sensation disappears when Newt's whine cuts through the silence. His claws scratch at the front door as he begs to go find Dad.

My stomach twists with nerves at the same time my spine goes stiff with the certainty of what I need to do next.

"I should go talk to Dad."

Emily frowns. "Are you sure? I can—"

"I'm sure," I say as I get to my feet. "It should be me."

I've only made it two steps before Trish tugs me into another hug.

"We've got your back, okay?" she murmurs into my ear. "No matter what."