20. Neavh

Ispend the drive out to Three Rivers sandwiched between Lonnie and David on the bench seat of his truck.

A week ago, I would have found this hilarious. I would have been driving him crazy making loaded comments and stupid jokes, but today, I sit in silence as the punk anthem playing on the radio serenades us. He's tried bringing up the subject of my parents another two times since my mom texted him, like my requests that he knock it off don't matter at all.

If Lonnie picks up on the tension between us, she doesn't say anything about it. Instead, she reaches for the volume knob and makes a face at David.

"What the hell is this angsty white boy crap?" she asks.

He gasps. "It's The Offspring! It's a classic!"

That at least has me fighting back a laugh. For some reason, David has never been able to get enough of angsty white boy music.

Lonnie shakes her head and starts flipping through radio stations while David squawks in protest.

"It's not a classic in my books, biker boy."

The two of them get lost in a round of banter despite the fact that they're literally speaking over me where I'm perched between them, but I sink into the background without complaint.

I'd rather they were both distracted from the way my knees are bouncing with more and more nerves the closer we get to the campground.

I haven't seen Clover since four days ago, when she came into the bar to invite me to tonight's party. We've had a couple text conversations every day since, but they haven't been enough to dispel the sense of unease that sits in my stomach like an ever-present glob of thick sludge.

I thought this summer could be enough. I thought I knew what we were getting into.

I didn't know she'd make me feel so much so fast, like the past four years of my life were a blank colouring book, nothing but outlines and shadows. In just a matter of weeks, she's spilled a rainbow of ink on every page.

"Damn," Lonnie mutters. "Did they invite the whole town?"

We've pulled up behind a line of four other cars waiting to get through the gate into the campground—which, by River's Bend's standards, is in fact a notable portion of the town's population.

I refrain from joking that everybody else must have brought dates along too; David's reaction would be priceless seeing as he's told me at least five times that Lonnie is only coming along as his ‘friend,' but my stomach is doing back-flips now that we're so close to the party. I cross my arms and focus on not throwing up.

I don't know what's going to happen when I see Clover again, not after I've spent the past three nights tossing and turning while my brain tries to convince me what we're doing is wrong.

David follows the line of cars along the route to the main house. There are already so many people here we have to park at the end of a trail of vehicles lining the side of the road and make the rest of the trek on foot.

Technically, these parties are only supposed to be for campground staff. Clover made a big leap of faith inviting everyone from the bar; once word got out, anyone who got even a whiff of a Three Rivers party happening tonight was sure to jump in their cars and head over, invitation or not.

I can hear the thump of the bass pumping out of a stereo system as we approach the house, along with the chatter and laughter of dozens of voices. Dusk has only just started to set in, but there's enough darkness for a few strings of solar-powered fairy lights in the trees to flicker on.

"Are you meeting Clover?"

I jerk with surprise when David says her name out loud.

We haven't talked about Clover at all since he got those texts from my mom. Before that, he was teasing me about the yurt project as much as I'd been teasing him about Lonnie, but we've both replaced our jokes with tense silence now.

"Uh, yeah, I guess," I say, pulling my phone out of my pocket to let her know we've arrived.

The house's porch is packed with people sipping beers and eating snacks off paper plates, but I know the main event will be around back, where a giant fire pit awaits. Judging by the lack of smoke in the air, they've yet to do the ceremonial lighting signifying the official start of the party.

"Would you like a drink?" David asks Lonnie.

"Duh," she says. "You think I came here for something other than the free booze?"

I smirk down at my phone. I appreciate just how much this woman gives him a run for his money.

The two of them take off, but I hang back and say I'll wait by the house for Clover. I watch Lonnie's jet black hair sway against her back as she walks just a couple inches closer than a friendly distance beside David.

I'm still smirking when I hear my name being shouted from the porch. I look over and see Clover barreling through the crowd to get to me.

I freeze and burn all at once when I see what she's wearing.

It's that little skirt with the sunflowers on it, the one she wore when she picked me up in the middle of the night.

The one I asked her to keep wearing while I made her come on my tongue.

"Calice," I hiss as I watch the thin fabric flutter against her thighs while she jogs over.

As she gets closer, I notice she's got two little plaits braided into her otherwise loose hair. Her t-shirt has a deep scoop neck that's probably going to be my cause of death by the end of the night.

"Hey," she says.

Her eyes are literally sparkling. I know it's just the product of the fairy lights twinkling in the tree behind me, but the effect makes her look like some sort of luminous forest elf transported from an ethereal realm.

"Hey," I answer, my voice squeaking like a pre-pubescent boy talking to his crush.

"I'm happy you came," she says, tucking one of the tiny braids behind her ear. "Also, did I just see David walk by with Lonnie?"

I'm still savoring the rush of her saying she's happy to see me, and it takes me a second to process her question.

"Oh," I say, glancing over to where David and Lonnie have disappeared around the back of the house. "Yeah. He says they're just here as friends."

We both crack a laugh at that.

"Wow," Clover mutters. "David and Lonnie. Look at him go, snagging a hot older woman."

I chuckle. "I think if you described Lonnie as being snagged to her face, she'd punch you, or at least verbally decimate you."

Clover tips her head back and lets out one of her adorable laughs.

"You are so right," she says. "I'll have to be careful when the two of them get around to admitting they're more than friends."

The sounds of the party continue around us: laughter, clinking glasses, shouts and whoops, all of it playing over the backing track of the sound system booming out old school pop hits. More people are still trailing up to the house every minute, most of them staff members geared up in Three Rivers shirts and hoodies. I recognize a few of the bar staff as well as some of the more prominent local personalities. I'm pretty sure some of the campground guests have also snuck over to see what the festivities are about, even though this is technically a staff only zone.

For a moment, I feel like I've stepped back in time, like I'm at my very first Three Rivers party four summers ago, listening to the same sounds, smelling the same mix of fir needles and damp earth, and sweating with nerves as I struggle to come up with something interesting to say to the most stunning woman I've ever met.

It's like nothing has changed.

The thought has only just entered my mind when it's countered by that awful, raspy voice I've been hearing way too much of the past few days.

Everything has changed. You ruined it. You'll ruin it again.

An acrid taste fills my mouth, and I fight to keep a grimace off my face.

"Are you okay?"

Clover is peering at me with concern in her eyes. Guilt twists in my stomach.

She invited me to this party so we could have fun. She wants someone she can enjoy spending time with. She wants a fun, sexy summer together before we go our separate ways.

She doesn't need me freaking out on her in front of literally everyone she knows.

"I'm great!"

Even I can tell how forced my cheer sounds, but I keep a strained smile plastered on my face anyway.

The concern doesn't leave Clover's face.

"Do you want to come check on the animals with me?" she asks after a moment. "I was about to head over to Emily's place. That's where we're keeping them tonight. I just want to make sure they're all right before the fire gets started."

Despite all my nerves, my chest still swells with tenderness. Of course her top priority at a giant party is the animals.

"I'd love that," I say.

We head up the path to Emily's tiny A-frame, which is only a couple minute's walk from the main house. The trees provide a sound barrier, and by the time we've reached the front door, it feels like we've left the party miles behind us.

Newt launches himself at us before Clover has even got the door fully opened.

"Hey, boy," she coos, squatting down in the doorframe as he whines and beats his tail while trying to crawl into her lap.

He comes over and bonks my legs with his head a few seconds later, demanding tribute in the form of pets. I happily pay the price, and Clover calls for him to follow her as she leads the way inside. I shut the door behind me and watch as Clover scans the room before heading for the staircase up to the loft.

"Jinx has probably claimed the whole loft for herself," she calls over her shoulder. "I'm just going to check that she's there."

I take the time she's gone as an opportunity to look around the house. I've only been in here once before, and the place has come a long way. Emily has renovated the tiny kitchen and put her designer's touch on everything, but she's managed to blend her modern style with the rustic features like the plank walls and vintage woodstove.

As I admire a large watercolour painting on the wall above the couch, I wonder what it would be like to have a home like this—a tiny little building filled with everything you love.

The only things I've had for years are what I can fit in my backpack. No paintings or vases or throw pillows. No mementos besides key chains or stickers on my laptop.

I've traded all that for the ability to pack up and run whenever I need to, to strap my whole life on my back and just leave.

"Ugh, that cat is so sassy."

Clover's grumbling voice pulls me out of my thoughts as she comes galloping down the stairs, the house creaking in her wake.

"She's fine, though," she adds as she walks into the living room and bends down to give into Newt's demands for yet more pats. "She's probably keeping herself busy terrorizing this poor innocent pupper."

She starts babbling doggy talk to Newt as she plops into a seat on the floor beside him. He continues staring at her with adoring eyes and a panting grin, even as she lifts both his ears up to make him look like a rabbit and asks if he wants a carrot.

The scene is so sweet I have to look away.

These are the kinds of moments that made me fall in love with her the first time.

I walk over to stare out the window above Emily's small, round dining table instead. The sky is still lit with the last purple traces of the sunset, but the thick canopy of trees has already turned the forest into an inky landscape of shadows and mist.

"What are you thinking?"

I jump when Clover speaks from right behind me. I was so zoned out I didn't even hear her get up off the floor.

"Oh, um…" I glance at her and then turn back to the window as she steps up beside me. "I was just thinking Emily has a great view."

"That's not what you were thinking." She lets out a soft huff of laughter before her tone turns serious. "You seem a little off tonight. Anything you want to talk about?"

Her voice is gentle and reassuring, like I really can tell her anything. Before I can consider how much I should hold back, the words are tumbling out of my mouth.

"I was just thinking about how I haven't really called anywhere home in a long time. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a place like this." I sweep my arm out to indicate the room around us. "But then I think about how weird it would feel to have more than just a backpack after I've been living that way for so long."

She flashes me a grin, shifting to face me as she props her hip against the table.

"Like the wandering salamander."

I chuckle and then fix my gaze back on the window. It's easier to put this into words when I'm not staring straight at her.

"Yeah," I agree. "I've definitely lived the wanderer life. I just…I mean, I wonder why the salamanders left in the first place? I wonder how much that matters. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just going through the motions. I know I want to be travelling. There's still so much more of the world I want to see, but sometimes it feels like it's missing…something."

Clover stays silent, and my heart pounds as I wonder if I've said too much. I'm still staring out at the mist creeping closer to the house when I see her nod out of the corner of my eye.

"I know what you mean."

I can't keep the surprise out of my voice as I ask, "You do?"

For as long as I've known her, Clover Rivers has been one of those people who's got it all figured out. I've met people with all sorts of dreams on the road, but I've rarely come across anyone who's pursued their goals with the determination Clover puts into following the life plan she's had pre-written for years.

"I do."

She nods again, and the intensity of my shocked stare has her glancing down at the floor.

"It's just, well, ever since graduating, I feel like I've just been going through the motions too. The plan is all there. I know it's what I want, at least in my head, but it's like you said. There's just something missing."

Her eyes go wide, and she stands in silence for a second like she's stunned herself.

"Wow. I've never said that out loud before. There's something missing."

She repeats the words like she's testing them out, seeing if she can handle their weight.

"I just don't know what the hell it could be," she admits. "I have everything I've ever wanted. I'm in my dream program at my dream school. I have a straight shot at working on cutting edge conservation projects that actually make a difference for the planet, and I get to do all that while living on my favourite island in the world."

Her tone is cautious, almost uncertain, like she's rehearsing a script she's not sure she's got right.

"I get to be close to my family and help keep the campground going. I get to be there for my dad, for my sisters. The only dream I've ever had that didn't come true is…"

Her face falls, and my heart drops right along with it.

"Clover…" I murmur, my chest tight. The past sits like a lump in my throat.

She shakes her head.

"Lately, I've thought a lot about what would have happened if you hadn't left at the end of that summer, and here's the thing. I don't…I don't know if I would have been able to leave with you when it was time for us to go together."

Whatever I thought she was going to say about our failed plans to travel together, it wasn't that.

She was the one who was ready to follow through. I was the one who fucked it up.

"I like to think I would have," she says, her face pinched. "I wanted to. I wanted to so bad, but now…I don't know. I guess we'll never know."

"Yeah." I'm whispering, like if I speak too loud, the window will shatter and let the rest of the world rush in. "I guess we won't."

I'm not sure how much time passes before either of us speaks again. I look over my shoulder and see Newt has curled up on the living room rug, his jowls flaring in time with his snuffling breaths as he sleeps.

Clover doesn't move at all. She just keeps watching the forest, as still as one of the ancient fir trees.

I flinch when her hand shoots out to point at the window.

"Look!"

I move closer, following the direction of her finger with my gaze. All I see are the same dim woods I was staring at before.

"What am I looking at?"

"There." She jabs her finger at the glass. "Do you see it? The first star is out. You can see it between those two trees."

I squint, scanning the few gaps of indigo sky I can see amongst all the branches. It takes me a few seconds, but then my eyes lock on the faint pinprick of light piercing the dark.

"Oh! I see it!"

It's not exactly the eighth wonder of the world, but my heart still speeds up at the sight, my breath catching in my throat as I watch this one tiny, feeble star glimmer for all it's worth.

"Hey, little guy," Clover coos.

I laugh even as my chest floods with another rush of tenderness, just like it did when I watched her goofing around with Newt.

"Did you just call the star little guy?"

"He is a little guy!" she protests. "He's doing his twinkly best."

Some of the somber mood between us fades, replaced by the ease we found wrapped up in each other's arms the first night she wore that sunflower skirt.

"Is there any part of the natural world you're not adorably enamored with?"

She toys with the end of one of her braids, shooting me an exaggerated flirty look that still manages to make my throat go dry.

"You think I'm adorable?" she asks, her gaze flicking to my lips.

I realize just how close we're standing. Her chest strains against her t-shirt, the scoop neck slipping even lower than before.

"Yeah," I breathe. "Yeah, I do."

I don't know who leans in first, but it's only another second before her lips are crashing against mine.

The kiss is slow but deliciously deep, both of us humming with satisfaction when our hips bump together and the side of her bare thigh presses against mine.

I reach for one of those tiny braids, running my fingers along the plaited surface. I've still got the braid pinched between my fingers when she breaks the kiss to get some air. Her eyes are hazy as she blinks at me, her mouth lifting into a slow grin that makes her look tipsy.

I feel like I'm tipsy too. Being with her, touching her, tasting her—it makes everything else seem distant and sluggish, like we've put the world on pause while we keep going, just the two of us.

No past. No future. Just now.

"Did you make a wish?" she asks.

She's still watching me with hooded eyes, a gorgeous pink flush on her cheeks.

I shake my head. "Not yet."

I look out the window again, scanning the treetops for a moment before I find the star.

I close my eyes.

When I open them again, I make my wish.

I wish for more stars.

I know it might be cheating, but I wish for a hundred more wishes, a thousand more chances, innumerable possibilities to get this part of my life right.

I don't know what right looks like with Clover. I don't know how to do this without messing up. I don't know what single granted wish would keep us suspended in a moment like this forever. I don't even know how forever is supposed to feel, but something tells me I could spend it tracing the hem of that skirt along her thighs.

I don't know if I'm allowed to want that. I just know I'd scour the skies for limitless chances to figure it out.

I would chase a million stars for Clover Rivers, but tonight, I only have one.