Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

B efore I knew it, it was already the last day of class before the Christmas break.

I woke up feeling heavy, the way I always did on this particular day of every year and let myself lay in bed as much as I wanted. I did not get out of bed until I heard both parents’ cars leave the driveway. It took some time before I had enough energy to move.

I grabbed my phone on my bedside table out of sheer muscle memory. I checked the notifications and made my first mistake of the day.

NOTIFICATION

Jacinta Lazanas-Perez tagged you in a comment.

I tapped it and saw that one of my mother’s siblings had made a giant post with my mother’s black and white photo on it. Photos of my aunt, my grandmother, and the rest of the siblings visiting my mom’s mausoleum early this morning were also attached to it, complete with a long caption that made me want to flush my eyes with holy water.

There were also close to a hundred likes on the post as of now, with comments from people I did not even know. Tita Jacinta was commenting back, saying stuff like “It feels like yesterday.” The comment she tagged me on had a tone of ‘reminding’ me what today was, like I would even forget.

The audacity. Leave it to my mom’s family to make today about themselves.

I shook my head then, rolled my eyes, and turned my phone off out of annoyance. I threw it back on the bedside table and made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Gian once said that my personal batteries ran on pure spite and the way I got all energized now proved that right.

Tangina kasi nitong si Jacinta, ang aga-aga.

I proceeded with my morning routine, taking my time trying to calm myself down. This business of getting people to forgive me and turning over a new leaf will not work if I let people like Tita Jacinta rile me up like that.

Like the past few years, I did not have anything planned today except to go to the memorial park and attend the early evening mass afterwards. As my relatives were early risers and liked to go there in the mornings, I would make sure to go late afternoon so I would not run into anyone. My dad would visit on his own before going to work and by the time I would get there, I would recognize a bouquet of red chrysanthemums that he would always give her.

While eating my cereal, I appreciated the quiet. As my phone was nowhere, I could not hear continuous dings from school notifications, club emails, or Chatbox texts.

I decided not to turn my phone on for the rest of the day as quiet was exactly what I needed right now.

Today marked my mother’s death anniversary. I used to act out—more than usual—on this exact day of the year when I was younger.

One time, I ran away, had a hunger strike and fainted in school on another, and then got drunk on that year I turned eighteen. That last instance was a bit funny because I ended up sleeping on the sidewalk in front of the house and it wasn’t until morning that Liana found me.

Last year, I did not really do anything, as at long last, the appeal of self-destructing once a year faded eventually.

I assessed myself now, thinking about recent events. Yes, I had found better coping mechanisms, started talking to people like a proper adult, and managed my anger issues.

But I still really missed my mother and found my own thoughts going to dark places at times, though this time around I knew when to catch it and stop before it got too far. I had hope that things were going to look up from here on. Dad also offered to look into therapy for me and our family, and I said I was happy to go if he found a suitable option.

Things were not only going well on the family front; it was improving a lot on the friend side, too. I hung out a lot more with my Ephemere teammates and I had people to ask for help when I was struggling in my subjects. Between that and the rest of my Ephemere duties, there was really no room for me to complain nor act out and I was extremely grateful for that.

I told my mom all that when I arrived at her mausoleum that afternoon. I stared at her picture as I did, like she was just there listening to me. I’d memorized every single detail of this picture now. I also made a mental note to ask Dad to buy paint as the letters spelling out ‘Laura Lazanas-Exconde’ were already fading.

“Hey, Mom, I think I might be starting to look a little too much like you. Tita Cris jumped a foot backward when she saw me in the kitchen yesterday morning,” I told her, playing with my fingers. I needed to tell her the heavy stuff, too. “It was almost like she was scared. Or maybe because it was this time of the year again and she was afraid I’d pull some woe-is-me prank today.”

I looked at the floor, ashamed. Remembering how my dad cried when I fainted in school around eight years ago. I wanted to turn back time and put everything right.

“I have no idea what I was thinking at the time. It just made sense back then. Everything hurt. I had no proper outlet. But here came my friend Cholo and got my reckoning. Nothing useful was coming out of me blaming good people and I had to cut it out.”

There was no point denying it now. Cholo made me see sense. Hanging out with him and hearing about his family, it made me realize that one could be hurt and still deal with their pain with grace and readiness to forgive.

“Alam mo, Ma, Tita Cris does know her stuff. She makes amazing dinners. Best part is she never poisoned my food no matter how sungit I got. And Liana… She’s awesome. She makes me baon, she waits up for me when I go home late so we wouldn’t have a repeat of that night that I ended up sleeping on the sidewalk. They’re good people. They just kept putting up with me and whatever I threw at them.

I’m sorry I used losing you as an excuse to act out. That was not right. And if you were around, you’d probably whoop my ass for treating your best friend and her daughter like that.”

I sighed and took my rosary out of my pocket.

“I’m sorry, Ma. I’m trying to make up for that now. I’m trying to grow up and become something you’d be proud of.”

I let myself cry for a bit before reciting my prayers. I stayed there in quiet, thankfully uninterrupted, and spent the rest of the afternoon just hanging out with her without worrying about academic requirements or club duties.

I left the memorial park just in time for the early evening mass in the village parish that day. I was not the type who went to church every Sunday, but today was an exception.

The church had a candle station behind the main shrine, just beside the adoration chapel. I lit a couple more candles after the mass for my mom and after that, I was going home.

Suddenly, I felt someone move beside me and I smelled another candle being lit.

“Sana po, may isa diyan na makaalalang sumagot na sa cell phone niya,” said a loud voice, and I turned to see Cholo standing beside me, carefully placing a candle in one of the panels. “Amen.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked. He looked so pissed off. “And can’t you keep your voice down?”

“Juliana told me I’d find you here, in a church . I honestly thought she was pulling my leg but here you are.”

“Can you not,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I meant, what are you doing so far South? We had classes today.”

“Bakasyon ko na rin kasi bukas, okay lang ba?”

“Hala, why so cranky?”

“Vinnie, if I’d ignored your texts and didn’t answer any of your calls all day, you wouldn’t just be cranky. You’d hang me upside down on the village square!”

Well, that was true. One time I told him to text once he got home and he forgot. I got so worried I called his house’s landline number.

“Clingy ‘yon?” I joked, hoping to ease his annoyance, and it thankfully worked. He stopped frowning and just shook his head at me. “Anyway, I skipped class. It’s my mom’s death anniversary today so I can’t be bothered going to school. I visited her and attended mass after.”

“Okay. I knew it was today. I was just worried because people were looking for you. Our teammates wouldn’t stop bugging me, too, because one of them tried calling you and your phone was off. Good thing I found Juliana.”

“Why would they call me? Did something urgent come up? Miss Mikayla approved the video last week, did she want any other revisions?

“No. Kristine and Seth and the others were calling you because it’s the last day of school and they had Christmas presents for you. You could’ve texted them back, you know.”

“I will when I get home,” I said, leading the way out of the candle station. He followed my lead.

“Why turn your phone off, though? That’s a bit extreme.”

“Nabwisit ako kaninang umaga, eh. One of my aunts were being annoying. Imagine, she posted photos of them at the memorial park.”

“Ay, badtrip nga ‘yon. Hoy, this way,” he said, stopping in his tracks and pointing in the opposite direction.

“Huh? My house is that way.”

“All your gifts are in my car. You need to take them home. Some of it is food.”

“Ay, ganun?” I said with a small giggle. “Okay. Thanks for getting them.”

“I didn’t volunteer. They just gave it all to me because they knew my house was near you,” he said, sticking a tongue out at me.

I pushed his shoulder in retaliation. He made me sit in the passenger seat and drove me home, helping me with getting the presents out of the trunk and into my house.

“Ay, wow. How much do I owe you for gas and the effort, then? Kakahiya sa’yo, eh,” I teased.

“You know I’m joking!” he teased. “But imagine how all this would have cost you on the app.”

“Luh, why would I pay? The gift givers will pay for it, noh.”

“Grabe talaga ugali mo,” he scoffed, and I just made a face in reply. “Anyway. Loads to do once we’re back in January.”

“Yes, boss! But our team is done with our part, right? Since we’ve finalized all the posters, banners, and other materials?” I told him as he laid the presents on our living room floor.

He frowned at me. “Well, all major event committee officers are supposed to help Logistics on the weeks and days leading to the event itself. And I gave you an out, remember? You didn’t want it.”

“You did say I could hand those papers in anytime so, as of today, I could technically choose not to be a committee officer. I’m a detention kid whose services you needed and I already delivered.”

I watched his frown deepen. Cackling, I went to the fridge and got him a bottle of orange juice.

“Come on, I’m messing with you. You know I’m going to help out.”

“Good,” he said, opening the bottle. “You better not skive off as you still report to me, underling.”

“Let it be known that I am helping from now on as a friend and a peer, not as an underling being punished.”

He made a face at me and took a swig off his juice bottle.

“If you don’t have anything up tonight, do you want to stay for dinner? I can get something delivered,” I said.

“Naks. Sure!”

“Okay, I’ll get my phone upstairs to get something delivered. Hang on.”

I ran and got my phone and I was back downstairs before it fully booted. As soon as I unlocked it, a call came through.

“O, bakit?” I answered, not bothering with pleasantries upon seeing Gian’s name on the screen.

“Don’t ‘o, bakit’ me. I know what happened the other day with Liana.”

“I was planning to make amends–”

“Lucky for you, I have a better one. Be ready tomorrow at 8 a.m.”

“On a Saturday? Mukha mo,” I whined. “I need to sleep in!”

“Liana’s lost sleep for years because you pick a fight with her every other day, one morning won’t kill you. You and Chucky will help me with her birthday party things. I need all the help that I can get.”

I looked at Cholo, who was watching me with one eyebrow slightly raised.

“You said yes to helping Gian tomorrow?” I asked, putting my phone down slightly.

“Yep. He said you were going?”

I shook my head.

“Fine. We’ll be there. Wait, planning her birthday! Boyfriend ‘yon?” I teased. “Sinagot ka na?”

“Hoy, Vinnie, I don’t meddle in your affairs with Spawn of Satan, ha, so keep your nose out of mine.”

“Aba—”

“8 o’clock sharp! BYE!”

“Sama talaga ugali nun,” I complained to Cholo.

“How else are you two best friends?”

I rolled my eyes at him and opened my usual food delivery app.