Chapter Fifteen

The drive up to Hazel’s house is calming.

Andy fell asleep as soon as I turned the corner of our driveway. My mind is desperate for solitude. It’s difficult being a single mother with an energetic two-year-old boy, and on top of that, I’m involved in a secret relationship, one that resulted in middle-of-the-night pleasuring sessions via FaceTime.

Even after last night’s events, I don’t feel any closer to making a decision. Several times, I’ve caught myself listening out for Elijah expecting him to speak to me just like the clairvoyant said. It isn’t that simple, I guess, but unfortunately, the seed of guilt is growing, and it’s taking me along with it.

I’m nervous having Andy and Julian together. It isn’t the first time they’ve met, and Andy has talked a few times about Julian being Blaze’s daddy. Of course, I bring Ash with us, happily lying in the back seat with Andy, head resting on his paws with his eyes closed.

We pull up to the house, and I take a few deep breaths. I give myself a moment before exiting the car, allowing Ash to run free. He is wagging his tail, happy to see his mother. I nudge Andy gently and whisper his name. He stirs slightly, then opens his eyes. He is dazed and confused but slowly works out that we’re at Hazel’s. I pick him up and carry him, walking along the pebbled path to the back of the house. As I turn the corner, the familiarity of all the old faces comforts me, and my fears subside.

Hazel is the first to greet me, immediately taking Andy into her arms. I wipe the hair away from his forehead and kiss him gently. She rocks him back and forth singing his favorite song as he sticks his thumb into his mouth sucking on it for comfort.

“Honey child, look at you. Damn!”

The clicks of the over-the-top platforms move toward us, and Penny is holding my arms out, inspecting my outfit with a nodding approval. “Girl, if I had a body like yours, I’d tell my man to watch out.” She raises her eyebrow at Julian and then swats her hand at him in a friendly gesture.

My eyes are drawn to him as he stands against the wall, dressed in a denim button-down shirt folded midway up his arms, showing off his glorious forearms. His light tan dress shorts complement his shirt, and lastly, my eyes scroll down to his footwear, Chucks. Dear God, he’s a walking runway model. I quickly move my eyes back up to his face, his perfect grin and dancing eyes are watching me in amusement. It may have been my deprived body, but I swear he licks his lips to tease me, biting his bottom lip as I continue to be rendered speechless.

He knows he has my attention—my knees threaten to buckle under his gaze.

“He is very aware of how hot and sexy his girlfriend is, and that she doesn’t realize that men actually turn around to look at her.”

A shy grin escapes me, my cheeks flushing at the sentiment. Did he just say girlfriend?

Penny is fanning herself in her usual flamboyant way. “Mmm… damn! Why can’t a man say that about me?”

Hazel offers to take Andy inside for some milk, allowing us to have some private time. As soon as they enter the house, my body moves toward Julian. He places his hands on my cheekbones, kissing me deeply. Even with Penny watching, I find myself melting into him, my hands trying ridiculously hard to behave themselves.

“I miss you,” he says with his lips brushing against mine.

“You mean you miss your girlfriend?”

He steps back with his palm cupped into my cheek. “I hate that word, but socially, yes, you are.”

“Like OMG,” I brag. “I got myself a boyfriend.”

Penny is laughing until she realizes her wig has shifted, and in a blind panic, she is busily arranging it so it’s back into position. This sight alone causes us to erupt into laughter. I rest my hand on Julian’s chest trying to compose myself and also as an excuse to touch him again.

It’s refreshing to be open with our friends. Penny has known we’re seeing each other for a while. She isn’t one to judge, and knowing our history, she embraces our relationship with open arms. Julian and Penny are great friends, and unlike others, she understands him and got to know the real Julian much like I did. He never treats Penny any less than she deserves. They resumed bingo night with Eric in tow, and Julian always speaks highly of their friendship. On a few occasions, he mentions writing a few pieces for an LGBTQ website, a topic he is extremely passionate about.

Hazel is also happy to see us together, giving much-needed advice to both of us on several occasions. Having lost her husband, I rely on her wisdom to help me overcome the guilt of being with Julian. I have to admit she is biased—Julian is like a son to her. She admits that having him around gives her peace—he has so many qualities like her son, and because of that, she has grown to love him like her own. How can you not love him? He is perfect.

“You understand we can’t be so open with Andy, right?” I quickly remind him.

“Of course. We talked about this. One step at a time. I can keep my hands off you.”

“Wait, you know how to do that?” Shocked, I withhold a smile and put on my poker face.

“You got me there.” He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling my body in flush with his. “Two minutes, down by that bush, it’s all I need.”

I swat his arm. “Two minutes now? It’s getting shorter and shorter.”

“Like you can talk. One minute and fifteen seconds,” he teases.

“You time me?”

He appears to be amused as the corner of his lips rise, flashing his beautiful teeth.

“Oh, that’s nothing, honey. Once, I only looked at a guy’s schlong, and I jizzed right on the spot,” Penny admits.

“Wow!” I exclaim. “How big was it?”

“Okay, ladies. I’m going inside to fetch Andy. This conversation is all yours.” Julian has left us, happy to walk away and avoid Penny’s wild stories. They make Eric look like an amateur.

Penny and I sit on the wicker chairs as we both stare into the valley. It’s a beautiful day, only a few scattered clouds in the sky. Hazel’s house is located a fair distance away from the city, enough that the hazy smog has disappeared, and only beautiful nature surrounds you.

“There’s something about this place that calms me, you know? I don’t know what it is, but just when I think my life isn’t worth living, this place reminds me how fortunate I am,” Penny says wistfully.

I sigh dreamily. “Maybe it is not the place, it’s the people.”

She nods. “Honey child, you wanna talk about it?”

Penny is easy to talk to, non-judgmental and wise. She has led a rough life, one that has beaten her down in unthinkable ways, but if you know her, you’ll know she is made of steel.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m living a double life. Actually, a triple life. Being a single mother is a lot. I mean, I’m so lucky to have my family and friends who help me out so much.”

“Anytime you need us, we’re here.”

“I know.” I pat Penny’s arm. “And then there’s Lex and Charlie. I love my brother. He has always had my back, sacrificed so much for me. And this is how I’m repaying him?”

“You can’t always control who you love. God knows I can’t.”

“I feel guilty all the time, and the only time it subsides is when I’m intimate with Julian, and my body is possessed.”

“Have you told him this?”

I shake my head. “It will come across all wrong. I can’t think straight when I’m with him. He does things to me, Penny, things I’ve never experienced before, and it scares me.”

“But in a good way?” she asks.

“In a great way.”

“So, don’t fight it. You’ve got a man who makes your toes curl to the point you can’t function without him. God only knows you deserve someone like him.”

“But I feel so guilty that… oh, never mind.” I can’t even be honest with myself, let alone with Penny.

Andy comes barreling out of the house pulling Julian along with him. Tugging on my arm, he begs for my attention. “Mama! Blaze’s daddy wants to go visit the pond. Please, can we go?”

“Julian can take you, and I’ll meet you down there.”

Julian happily agrees and follows Andy. I watch them walk away, Julian holding Andy’s hand as they make their way down the hill toward the small pond. Blaze and Ash are excited to be in each other’s company, chasing their tails in endless circles.

Penny poses a question. “What do you want, girl? You want a father for Andy?”

“He has one, Penny. He just isn’t here. I want Julian.”

“So, have him. He adores you. You gotta see that.”

“But look at him. He can have any woman he wants, why me?”

“So, let me get this straight. A beautiful man worships the ground you walk on, fucks you to oblivion, and you have to question why. Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

“It’s hard to feel secure when the one man you loved gave up on you,” I mumble.

We remain quiet, Penny fiddling with her hoop earrings as we both watch them down by the pond.

“He cares deeply for you. I mean, every time he talks about you—”

“Julian talks about me?”

“All the time,” she reaffirms.

“What does he say?”

“Just this and that.”

“Hey, what about girl code? C’mon, tell me.” I try to persuade the information out of her.

“I promised I wouldn’t tell, but let’s just say you complete him.” She smiles.

“I complete him?”

She nods. I stare out into the pond, watching Julian sit beside Andy as they throw bread at the ducks. I excuse myself from Penny and make my way down to spend some time with them. My footsteps are faint, and I stop not too far behind and listen to their conversation.

“That big duck’s name is Fatty, and that’s his daddy over there.”

Julian chuckles, allowing Andy to continue talking.

“Do you know my daddy works in heaven?”

“I do know that. Heaven is a very special place. I have a friend who works there, too.”

“Do you think your friend has seen my daddy?”

“Maybe. It’s a very big place.”

Andy turns his head to face Julian. “Have you seen my daddy?”

“A very long time ago. He looks just like you, kid.” Julian ruffles Andy’s hair.

“Daddy gone makes Mama cry. I don’t like Mama crying.”

A lump forms in my throat. Andy had seen me cry several times. I never realized how my emotions impact him thinking that because he’s young, he won’t understand.

“It’s okay for your mama to cry. She just needs extra special hugs.”

“I like giving hugs. Uncle Lex always hugs Mama when she cries.”

I make a small sound causing both of them to turn around. Julian smiles reassuringly as I sit on the other side of Andy. Andy begins to talk about the ducks telling us the story about the family. Jesus, my kid can talk for hours. Julian doesn’t mind, though, asking questions Andy loves to answer.

“Mama, can I ask Hazel for some chocolate chip cookies?”

I nod, and without a goodbye, he runs back up the hill. I watch him until he is safely in Hazel’s arms again.

“He likes to talk,” Julian says.

“Much like me?”

“Like mother, like son.”

The ducklings are swimming behind their mother, and I watch in merriment as they nibble on the leftover bread floating on the water. “It’s beautiful here.”

“You’re beautiful here,” he says.

I rest my head on his shoulder. Underneath our legs, he entwines his fingers into mine.

“You’re really great with Andy.”

“You’ve done a great job raising him, Adriana.”

“It’s hard. I won’t be in the running for Mother of the Year. I’m just doing the best I can.”

“It’s not supposed to be easy. You know if you ever need help, you just need to ask,” he offers.

“I need you.”

I feel him squeeze my hands. “We can’t keep hiding this if that’s what you want.”

It’s complicated, and his question warrants an answer. “I know that. It’s just… you don’t understand Lex like I do. He is my brother.”

It’s instant and takes me back as he pulls his hand away leaving me cold.

“I’m not giving you an ultimatum. I’m not that kind of guy. But you need to think about what it is you want because we can’t hide this forever. What if Andy picks up on it, huh?” The arctic tone in his voice stuns me only because there’s so much truth behind it. Andy tells Lex everything.

“I know. Stop pressuring me, okay?” I stand up and wipe my hands on my skirt. “There’s no way in hell this will go down well with Lex. I need time to prepare myself. And I have to think about Andy. He adores Lex. I don’t want my decisions to negatively impact him.”

He follows my actions, standing up in a huff. His face contorts into rage. “How about your brother sees you’re happy and for once stops acting like a selfish prick and allows you to live your life?”

I’m floored by his comment. He doesn’t understand Lex like I do. After all, Lex is my flesh and blood.

“This is getting us nowhere,” I sulk.

“You’re right, it isn’t.”

He doesn’t reach for me, and together we stand apart allowing this argument to cool off. Eventually, he drags me back to him and embraces me. I start crying, frustrated with this ongoing wall between us.

I never want Julian to let go of me, and he doesn’t, even when Andy runs toward us.

“Mama, is Jay hugging you because you crying?”

I let out a small laugh at Andy unable to pronounce Julian’s name. “His name is Julian, Andy.”

“No, Mama, he said his name is Jay.”

I look toward Julian, and it clicks why he said that. He doesn’t want Andy to use the name Julian in front of anyone. Even though he’s ready for us to come out, is he just as terrified as I am?

I lift Andy so he is between us. “Don’t cry, Mama. Jay can make you happy.”

I kiss his little hands and say it aloud. “Jay does make me happy. Very happy.”

Andy squirms out of my embrace. “Okay, Mama. Jay, Hazel says we can take Blaze and Ash for a walk. Please?”

“Sure, buddy. You tell Hazel I said that’s okay.”

His face lights up with a smile, and before he runs off, he wraps his tiny arms around Julian’s legs and hugs him tight. “You’re a good daddy. Blaze loves you.”

Julian beams, and then hugs Andy tightly in return. “Thank you, little man.”

Andy has run off again to find Hazel. We slowly make our way back to the house and find Penny inside the kitchen frantically searching for hot sauce.

“Gee, Pens, you craving or something?”

“The only thing coming out of me is that leftover Taco Bell from last night.”

I screw up my face. Penny is quick to raise her arms in frustration announcing that she’s heading to the store. Picking up her keys from the table, she leans into my ear and says, “You can thank me later,” before disappearing outside.

Julian pulls me toward the couch and makes me sit. He places his hand around my shoulder to close the gap between us, and follows with a deep and loving kiss. I find my hands moving toward his chest, latching onto his shirt. His tongue sweeps over mine as I moan into his mouth. His kisses range from slow to frantic, both of us desperate for more, but know we can’t.

“You’re killing me,” he grunts.

“Uh, hello, you’re killing me.” I grab his hand and quickly shove it under my skirt sliding it into my panties. I’m fucking soaked. His eyes flare, and I see his body tense in delight.

“I need you tonight.”

“I can’t. I have that event I need to go to,” I apologize.

He battles with my answer, his glance fierce and dominating. Julian is patient, yet at times he demands so much of me, and that patient side of him is overcome by jealousy and greed.

“I’m trying to be patient here. I need to be inside you every day, you understand. This has gone on long enough.” The darkness in his eyes and tone of his voice alert me of his intentions. Holy fuck, every day, though? The reality of our life comes to a crashing realization when Andy’s voice is on the verandah.

“Mama! Hazel is making popcorn and we gonna watch wah… wah hun… something bout spotty dogs, and there’s lots of them and an evil lady who tries to steal them. Can I stay here tonight, Mama? Penny is staying, too!”

I walk into the kitchen where I hear Hazel humming along. “Are you sure he can stay? I mean, I know you said yes, but I feel guilty for burdening you. My mom is happy to take him.”

“Sweetie, I’ve got his jammies in his drawer.”

Andy has stayed over a few times already. He claimed the room that he said was his and now he has a drawer too. “I wouldn’t normally go, but this event is a big deal.”

“Now, you listen to me. You’re a great mother. You’ve got family and friends who all adore Andy and just want to keep him forever much like myself.” She winks. “I was thinking about taking him to the zoo tomorrow plus Miles’ grandson wants to come.”

“Henry will be here? Well, no twisting my arm.”

I go back into the living room and sit down beside Andy. He’s making Julian show him on his phone what a Dalmatian is, and just like his mama raised him, along comes a thousand questions that follow.

I ask Andy again if he is sure he wants to sleep over, but he is distracted when Henry comes barreling through the door, and I become insignificant. I kiss him goodbye and am met with my face being pushed aside as he tells me he is busy and has to show Henry something. Hazel reassures me it will be fine, and Andy hasn’t even noticed I’m still there, completely taken by a new set of toy cars Henry has brought over. I wave goodbye to Miles and Hazel, but not before I’m stopped by Penny.

“You go enjoy yourself with your man. Get that groove on, Stella!”

I laugh, giving her a tight hug.

The second we’re out the door, Julian pulls me into his arms again, this time making me squeal.

“Hotel. Now,” he demands.

“I can’t. I’ve got to be at Charlie’s in two hours to get ready.”

“No isn’t in my vocabulary when it comes to you spread out naked in front of me.”

I wrap my arms around his neck. “Can I ask a question?”

“Is it about how many times I’m going to fuck you tonight?” He is deadly serious.

“Uh, no… but how many?”

“Get your ass in the car now. It’s gonna get a hell of a workout tonight, lady.”

I laugh then pause. Wait, my ass will get a workout as in anal? Oh, fuck! I fall into a panic at the thought. It’s one thing to have a finger in there but a whole penis? Okay, seriously, I can handle this, it can’t be that bad. Maybe even enjoyable. Oh, who am I kidding, I need major advice, and my bestie is totally off-limits. I can call Eric, but knowing him, he will get way too excited about it all.

Julian senses my trepidation as I squirm uncomfortably in the front seat. Quick to distract me, he places my hand firmly on his bulge. It is rock hard.

“Breathe, Adriana. You’ll enjoy it.”