Chapter 22

twenty-two

LIAM

Kneeling beside Amy, I gave her the birthday present I'd found in Boulder. The long rectangular box was wrapped in sparkly birthday paper with a big pink bow on one end.

She slowly removed the ribbon, then picked off the tape. For someone who usually hurried through life, she was being incredibly careful.

She frowned when she saw the pictures on the outside of the box.

"It's a telescope," I explained. "You point the long tube at the stars and look through the eyepiece. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, you'll see satellites and all kinds of things."

Amy's big blue eyes stared up at me. "Will I be able to see the brightest star?"

Paul shifted in his seat. "I told Amy that whenever she wants to see her mom, all she has to do is look for the brightest star in the sky."

"That's why I like the stars so much," Amy said. "Mommy' s always watching over me and keeping me safe. Just like you, Liam."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Amy's complete trust in me was humbling. If anything happened to her, I'd never forgive myself. "I can show you how to attach the telescope to the stand, but we won't be able to see the stars until tonight."

"That's okay," Amy said excitedly. "Mommy will be waiting."

When we'd first arrived at Jacob's house, Amy had shown me a picture of some stars she'd drawn. What I didn't understand was why she was worried that the stars in Colorado would be different from the ones in Milwaukee. Now I knew. She thought she wouldn't be able to see her mom.

Paul picked up some wrapping paper off the floor. "While Liam's helping you make the telescope, I'll put breakfast on the table."

I watched him walk across the room. The smile that hadn't left his face all morning had disappeared. Something was wrong. I looked down at Amy as she carefully pulled the rest of the tape off her present.

"Will you be okay while I help Paul?"

Amy pulled her rag doll closer and nodded. "Dolly will keep me company."

"Tell me when you're ready to open the box. It won't take long to put everything together."

I made sure Amy was okay before heading into the kitchen. As soon as I saw Paul, I knew something was definitely wrong. "Are you okay?"

Paul took three plates out of a cupboard. "I'm fine. Amy liked the telescope."

"Is that why you're upset?"

His eyes widened. "No. I thought your gift was a great idea. Amy will enjoy finding the constellations we talked about."

"Then what's the problem?" I asked softly. I wasn't sure he'd tell me, but I hoped he trusted me enough to try.

"I'm feeling a little emotional, that's all." He opened a packet of paper napkins and handed them to me.

I held onto his hand, not letting go when he gave a quick tug.

When he finally looked into my eyes, there was such sadness and grief in their depths that it brought tears to my eyes. "What's wrong?" I asked him again.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Amy's birthdays are hard. Not because she's getting older, but because my sister and parents aren't here to share the day with us."

There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. I knew how painful some days could be, especially Christmas and birthdays. A song, a smell, or even a word could trigger memories you thought you'd forgotten. In the blink of an eye, you were transported straight back to the time when the person you were missing was there.

Instead of trying to make him feel better with words, I let go of his hand and opened my arms. "Would you like a hug?"

Paul bit his bottom lip. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"If I start crying, I don't know if I'll be able to stop."

I held onto his hands. "It's okay to be sad."

"Amy needs to know everything's okay. If she sees me crying, it'll upset her."

I squeezed his fingers. "Maybe if she sees you expressing your feelings it'll help her deal with how she's feeling. "

Tears fell down Paul's face. "I want her to be happy."

"I know you do. But you can't pretend to be happy all the time. If you don't deal with your emotions, you'll turn into a replica of me."

Paul's lips twitched. "There's nothing wrong with you."

"There's nothing wrong with you, either."

"Except a slightly dented heart." Paul wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head against mine. As his tears flowed, his body relaxed.

I rubbed his back, giving him what comfort I could. I wondered if my life would have been different if I'd been able to talk to my husband after our daughter died. But the grief of losing the brightest light in our lives had overwhelmed everything else. Instead of working through our pain together, we'd gone our separate ways. I only hoped Victor had found more peace than I had.

Paul took an unsteady breath and stepped away. Using the back of his hands, he wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry for falling apart like this."

I shook my head. "Don't apologize. We all have moments where everything feels like too much. How do you feel?"

"Better. Thank you."

I handed him some tissues. "I'll take the pancakes and the plates into the dining room. Will you be okay?"

"I will be now."

I smiled and touched the side of his face. "Be yourself. That's all Amy or anyone else wants." And before I gave in and kissed him, I left the kitchen. Paul had enough to deal with today. He didn't need me complicating his life any more than I had.