Chapter 22

Iknow after his fight on the dock that Lo'zar can protect me from anything. That he will protect me, at any cost to himself, and it hurts to know this and still be leaving him.

Our journey is, thankfully, an uneventful one. We share one tiny bed in the cabin of the ship, snuggled tight together so our limbs don't fall off the side. I keep my amulet on me at all times, only turning it on when I need to leave the room. I don't talk, because my voice would give me away.

At night my troll holds me close, and sometimes when the dark and the quiet and our own heartbeats are too much, he reaches down between my legs to touch me, swirling his finger around until I'm panting and wet. Then he slides into me from behind, filling me up as far as he can, and gently stroking in and out until I'm up in the clouds and floating away, forgetting about what waits for us on the other end of this trip. We both bury our misery in each other's bodies, desperation in our every movement, trying to quiet the pain with pleasure, but it only makes my heart ache worse.

He always pulls himself out at the last moment and unloads onto the bed. It makes me feel strangely empty inside.

Lo'zar talks to fill the hours, and I close my eyes and listen to the sound of his voice in my head. He tells me about his childhood growing up on the streets, stealing what he needed in order to eat and living in dark alleyways, always ready to defend himself. My life has been filled with privilege, I realize. Never once did I worry about where my next meal would come from. I try to commit his voice to memory as he tells me how the clan found him, and Gusak took him in.

He exploited you, I tell him. You were desperate and young, and he knew what to say to bring you to heel.

I was a ruffian. I needed to be brought to heel.

I shake my head. What you needed was love, and food, and shelter.

His smile is like smooth chocolate. You have such a big heart, he says, running his fingers over my knuckles. How do you have so much love to give?

My parents never gave me any, so what was the point in giving them love in return? I push some wild hair away from his face. I saved it all up for you.

He brings me in close, folding himself around me like I'm about to vanish. He buries his face in my neck and says nothing, but I can feel the heaving of his chest.

It's too soon when we reach Eyra Cove, a neutral city that operates as a port for trollkin and humans alike. This is where we are supposed to part ways. Certainly a human ship here will be bound for the other continent.

When we get off the boat, I'm struck by the strangeness of this city, where human and trollkin alike do business side-by-side, even bartering and trading with one another. Suddenly I'm much less sure of myself, of what I'm doing. Could Lo'zar and I simply stay here and blend in?

But Lo'zar is anxious the moment we step on dry land, worried that Gusak has expanded his operation here, too. He keeps a close watch while I take off my amulet and start inquiring at different ships about their destinations. When I mention Yusala, each of the boat masters shakes their head. "We don't travel to the other continent," they all say. "You'll have to wait for the big ship."

I don't know what they mean by the big ship, but we take up a room at the local inn, and every day we check from our window to see if it's arrived. Only a few days later, the gargantuan ship docks.

It has three full masts, clearly designed for long ocean voyages. I swallow hard.

It's your way home, Lo'zar says.

Of course, I nod and agree, trying to seem happy that the moment is here—but inside all I feel is dread. I know it will be a long trip, but will you go with me? I take his hand in mine and weave our fingers together. I'm afraid. Actually, I'm terrified of being alone on that boat without him.

His lips tug up at the side, and he nods his head. Of course.

Even if it means wearing the amulet? I ask.

Even then.

Lo'zar doesn't have a lot of coin left, but it's enough. The afternoon of our departure, he puts on the amulet and flicks the switch. All at once, he transforms. And even though it's just an illusion, I'm terrified by what I see.

As a human, his skin is a medium brown, and he has wild blond hair like he was bathed in sunlight from an early age. His eyes remain the same, though—orange and lively, just like my troll.

Hmm. It is very disconcerting, I tell him. I see what you mean now. I don't like this version of him, but at least his internal voice still sounds like himself.

When we board the ship together I can feel the end drawing nearer, and my hope that something will stop this starts to die.

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