14. Nixon

Chapter fourteen

Nixon

I smile.

I can’t help it.

I know Arit is holding his breath, but just being in his presence, holding his cheek, there’s no way I could go back on my word. If finding him and confessing all that I have made me nervous, I can only imagine what he must be feeling. I don’t care what he is. He’s mine. And that’s good enough for me.

My answer comes in the form of a kiss as I pull him closer and our lips meet for the first time. Despite the mess I must appear to be, there’s no denying how right this moment feels. This gorgeous, kind, thoughtful, compassionate man has just set my soul on fire and given me life in a single breath.

Never, in all my lifetimes, have I ever felt anything like this. Arit’s lips on mine are like cosmic energy on a galactic scale. Like my very essence is being rewritten to include him as part of who I’m meant to be.

If this is what soul mates are made of, then sign me up because I am never letting him go.

But it’s Arit who pulls back first. His eyes, when I find them, are wide and fearful, bordering on desperate even. He looks terrified. “I can’t,” he whispers, his voice weak and wrecked, causing a splinter to form inside my chest. “I can’t do this. I thought I could. I thought I was strong enough. That being able to have you for your lifetime would be better than never having you at all, but I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. I’ll never survive losing you. No matter how many lifetimes it takes for you to find me again. I’ll never be the same. Millions of years will never be enough time to get over losing you.”

My heart pounds, a dull thud echoing in my ears, but I reach out and take Arit’s hand, ignoring the threat of tears I thought had passed. “Arit,” I manage, my voice as wobbly as a newborn colt. He meets my gaze, but I can tell the effort is forced. “I don’t think there will be a next time.”

He freezes, an odd habit he seems to have, and I can’t tell if he’s breathing. Does he even need to breathe if he’s not technically human? “What do you mean?” he whispers.

“I think this is my last lifetime. My soul’s last lifetime.” Arit sucks in a breath and his eyes go even wider. “When we were apart, before I found you again, I could feel it. My soul was dying. Inside. I knew I needed to find you. If I was ever going to have a shot with my soul mate, it had to be now. Because I’m pretty sure I’m not getting another chance.”

The tears are back, and when I move to hug Arit, he pulls me into his arms.

“Nixon,” he moans. “Fate wouldn’t be this cruel. I’ve witnessed plenty of terrible things, infants killed by bombs, diseases wiping out entire villages, but to finally, after millions of years, have Fate put you in my path only to rip you away again is unimaginable. And permanently? No. There has to be another explanation.”

Pressing my face to his neck, I murmur, “I wish you were right. But even The Owner of The Magic Shop I visited to find you didn’t have high hopes. I can tell I’m better, that the frayed edges of my soul have mended by being with you again, but when I eventually die, I think my soul is done too. If it’s been around as long as I think it has, this is its last hoorah.”

And when Arit doesn’t answer, I know he’s realizing that the change in Fate’s design was very much on purpose. What he said about me never being able to see him before suddenly makes sense. This is why I’m being given this chance with him.

We stand together for a long time, him holding me while I hold him in return. If all I get out of finding him is a single kiss and this time together, it will have been worth the effort to know what having a soul mate is like. Even if my soul is dying.

After what feels like hours but is probably only a few minutes, I finally pull back and take Arit’s hand. “Come sit with me. I want to hear all about what you do.”

Arit gives me a sad smile and doesn’t move when I tug him. It takes a few seconds for him to speak. “Do you really think getting to know each other is a good idea?”

My heart trips and bangs around in my empty chest. He’s not even going to try. Already resigned to losing me, he doesn’t see any point in making a connection with me. Well, as many things as I’ve survived, I’m not going to roll over and take his sulky attitude. If he thinks he knows me, then he damn well better know that my soul is fierce, and it’s not giving up without a fight.

I take my hand from him and point, pressing my finger into his chest as my breathing picks up. “Yes. I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had. You may not be human, but you’re going to learn a thing or two about what it means to be human. Now sit your ass down and talk. I want to know everything there is to know about you. If it takes the entire rest of my life to hear your story, then it will be time well spent.” I nudge him again, and this time a small quirk tips the corner of his mouth up.

He relinquishes and takes the closest chair. I follow and curl up in his lap, making him huff out a small laugh. “You’re a little bit bossy.”

“Just wait. After we’re finished here, we’re going to track down my magician friend and find out what he knows. If we have to search the globe for some magical potion that will save my soul, then that’s what we’ll do. But for now, talk. I like the sound of your voice.”

Arit huffs again, his exhale tickling the side of my face. But he wraps his arm around my back, pulls me closer, and says, “I’m a reaper. Humans like to call us grim reapers, though I only know of a few reapers who would come close to matching how your kind portrays us. It is my purpose on earth to ferry souls from this life to the next.”

“We have an afterlife?” I ask, totally blown away. “And reapers are real? That’s kind of freaky.”

“Yes, well. Humans would have us harvesting souls for our own amusement, which is not at all what we do. When a human life ends, we collect the soul and take it to its resting place. Whatever that resting place looks like is up to the owner of the soul in that life. Judgment, as you might suggest. The way you live will determine the quality of your afterlife.”

“That’s so cool. I had no idea.” My mind is literally blown. It’s going to take longer than a few seconds to process this new information, but just hearing Arit talk is what I need most right now.

“No one does. That’s the way it’s meant to be. A life of choice.”

“And God?”

“A human construct. I have been around since the dawn of humanity, earlier actually. Before language and tools, when hominins were just learning to walk on two legs. The notion of a God, or gods, didn’t come around until fairly recently—perhaps the last ten to fifteen thousand years. Before that, the genus Homo didn’t have big enough brains to imagine such a thing as one all-powerful God. They were too busy surviving and crafting tools out of rocks, hunting, and considering such notions as burial of their dead.”

Holy shitballs. My mind is on overload. I mean, I have a basic understanding of human evolution, but knowing Arit was there, like actually alive during that time and is still alive now, is absolutely insane. “How old are you?” I ask out of nowhere.

Arit hums. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“Not really.”

“Then maybe you’ll be fine just knowing I’m very, very old.”

“I’m only twenty-five.”

“I know.”

I sit up suddenly and scramble around to stare at Arit with my jaw hanging open. “How do you know me?”

Arit smiles and a look of pride enters his stunning icy eyes. “I’m your reaper. I’ve been called to carry you every time you’ve needed me.”

Oh. My. God.

I’m stunned. I’m so shocked I don’t even have words. I don’t know why, but out of all the things he’s just told me, this one is definitely hitting the hardest. I’ve nearly died at least a dozen times. Has Arit really been there every time I’ve been hurt?

“That time I got caught in a riptide in Hawaii?”

Arit nods, but his smile is fading. He’s watching me just as carefully as I’m watching him.

“When I was twelve, I fell out of a tree.”

He nods again.

“Collapsed lung just after birth.”

“You were extremely fragile.”

“Holy. Shit.” I cover my mouth with my hands, a low tremor developing as reality sinks in.

Arit reaches up to touch the back of my head gently. “That Saturday night a few weeks ago when you almost choked to death on your dinner.”

“ Eek! ” I scramble off his lap, needing an outlet for my pent-up anxiety. I know I’m probably overreacting, but I back up and press myself against the far wall. “That was you? On my fire escape?”

“Yes. I will always come when you need me.”

“Oh my God. Oh my God.” I take up pacing and shaking out my hands, pretty fucking freaked out. I mean, I knew I was close to dying. Logically. I was choking to death on a piece of pork. But to hear Arit lay it out like that, to learn that my very own grim reaper was there, ready to collect my soul, is absolutely, unquestionably the most terrifying thing I’ve ever heard. “I need some air.”

Without waiting for a reply, I bolt for the door and practically run for an exit. I have no idea where I am in the world because I didn’t exactly ask how the portal worked before I entered it, but at the moment, my mind is spinning, and I just need some fucking air.

Bursting through an exterior door, I gasp in a lungful of familiar city air and place my hands on my knees, attempting to control my breathing before I black out. Arit is right behind me, but he gives me space, which I distantly appreciate as my world spirals and panic settles in.

I may not be in mortal danger, but as more black spots dance in my vision, I’m powerless to do anything to stop it. I’m going to black out. I know it.

“Arit,” I gasp, just as strong arms wrap around me, and I fade, lost to my body’s insistence that it take over from here.