Chapter Nineteen

“Y ou literally ran away.”

Lydia swallowed and Cordelia could see that she was uncomfortable but that didn’t mean they weren’t going to have this conversation.

“You. Ran. Away. I don’t know how many times I can say this. Or in how many different words. I tried to kiss you and you ran away.”

“Cordelia.”

“No, no, no, no. If you can’t even admit that then I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do. You do realize that you live with me. That we have a child.” Cordelia opened the car door and got out. “What about Toby? Did you think about him?” She slammed the door and walked toward the house.

“Cordelia, please,” Lydia said, trotting after her and locking the car with a beep as she went.

“Do you have any idea how hard that was?” Cordelia said, turning on her. “First, I’ve never kissed a woman. Second, I haven’t kissed anyone since my stupid arsehole of a husband left me for another woman. Third, I don’t even know why I like you. You’re absolutely infuriating. And now this.” She turned back and stalked to the front door.

“Cordelia.”

“No, you’re right. It was a stupid thing to do. Stupid and thoughtless and I don’t know what I was thinking. It was the alcohol talking. Acting. Whatever. And you’re going to have to move the hell out.”

She finally got the door open and walked in, letting Lydia close it behind them both.

“And I’ll tell you another thing. I’ve never, I mean never, had anyone run away from me like that before.” She was starting to boil with anger.

“Cordelia.”

“Stop saying my name, you absolute imbecile, you stupid, foolish, idiotic woman—”

Whatever it was she expected to happen, whatever it was that she was building up to, it certainly wasn’t what happened next.

Something seemed to fly at her, to push her, until she was backed against the wall and then, and then… And then her heart stopped beating as hot, hungry lips found hers and suddenly she was getting the kiss that she’d longed for, the kiss that she hadn’t meant to start at all and yet was now the only thing she could think about.

Lydia’s body pressed against hers so that she could feel every delicious curve of it, her hands tangled in her hair, her tongue slipped between her lips, until Cordelia honestly couldn’t tell where she ended and Lydia began.

Then Lydia pulled away, her eyes hazy and her lips swollen. “Sorry,” she said. “But it seemed to be the only way to shut you up.”

“To shut me up?”

“You’ve been shouting at me for the entire twenty minute ride home and you wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. I needed to shut you up.”

“So you kissed me.” Cordelia’s breath hitched in her throat. Her legs were shaking, she realized, and she needed to lean against the wall to hold herself up.

“I shut you up,” Lydia said again. “I need you to understand that it wasn’t the kiss I was running away from. Come on, come with me.”

Obediently, Cordelia followed as Lydia led her into the kitchen, poured a large glass of water, and sat them both down at the kitchen table.

“Can I talk now?” Lydia asked, pushing the water toward Cordelia.

Cordelia nodded.

“Fine. Thank you.” Lydia took a deep breath. “Firstly, let me say that I did not run away. I backed out of an unclear situation because I was unsure on how consenting you were able to be and it made me uncomfortable.”

Cordelia spluttered on a mouthful of water. “Unclear on consent? I was the one kissing you.”

“You had had three very strong drinks,” pointed out Lydia. “Plus, you know, you do spend a lot of time telling me how irritating I am.”

“I came to your party.”

“Because you said it was the quickest way to get me to move out,” said Lydia. Her lips were still swollen and Cordelia felt the urge to kiss them again. “Add in the fact that you’re divorced and hurting, I was wholly unaware of the fact that you like women as well as men, and that we, as you pointed out, live together albeit for a short time, and, well, can you see why there could be some confusion?”

“I suppose,” Cordelia said grumpily. The kitchen lights were harsh and Lydia looked tired. “You still didn’t have to actually run away though.”

“I panicked,” Lydia said quietly, looking down at the table.

“You panicked?” Cordelia downed half of the water in her glass. “Lydia Carlisle, efficient and practical doctor, panicked?”

Lydia rubbed her nose. “It’s just… Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing.” Cordelia leaned forward. “Tell me.”

Another deep breath. “Okay, I like you, Cordelia. I don’t think you’re at all what you want people to think that you are. I think that underneath all the snap and the bite, you’re soft and warm and all you’re doing is trying to protect that softness from getting hurt, and I get that.”

“Wonderful.” Okay, she wasn’t thrilled at being described as soft, but she’d take it. “Then we don’t have a problem, do we?”

“Do we not?” Lydia asked. “You don’t want to get hurt again, I’m a temporary addition not just to your home, but to your town as well. And in the drunkenness of the moment, with the stupid moonlight and the stars and everything else, I feel like you might have forgotten that.”

A very fair point. Cordelia finished her water. “And I’m not in your plan. Your carefully planned life that leads you to being perfectly happy and successful, I’m no part of that. An older, chaotic, divorced woman who can barely remember her own name let alone her house keys.”

“Cordelia, that’s not at all what I’m saying.”

“You’re saying this isn’t practical,” Cordelia said, getting up. Because if she was going to get hurt she was damn well going to do the hurting herself. She wasn’t going to let someone else wound her again.

“It isn’t practical,” Lydia said, standing too. “You know that it isn’t. Plus, you know, there’s the whole Toby situation to think about and, well, I’ll be leaving in a little while and you’ll have a whole new doctor to deal with and, who knows, maybe you’ll fall in love with them instead.”

“No one mentioned love,” said Cordelia. Then she frowned. “What do you mean, a whole new doctor? I’m assuming that Doctor Morris is going to be back soon enough. What do you know that I don’t?”

Lydia bit her lip and it was very clear that she’d said more than she intended.

“Come on, out with it. It can’t be a professional secret, he’s not your patient.”

Lydia shook her head. “It’s not my secret to tell.”

Cordelia growled at her.

“Seriously, Cordelia, it’s not my secret. Let’s just say that I don’t think Doc Morris will be back for a while, if he comes back at all. He may very well decide to retire his practice, he’s an older man.”

There was a spark in Cordelia’s heart even though she was still annoyed. “Fine.”

“Fine as in we’re fine?” Lydia said.

Cordelia took a deep breath and shrugged. “I suppose.”

“This is complicated, I get that. But we need to do the best thing, we need to think about consequences and decisions and everything in between. I don’t know what we should be doing, to be honest, but then, maybe that’s the answer. We shouldn’t do anything. We should just… go on as before.”

“Should,” Cordelia said, closing her eyes for a millisecond. That kiss. It still burned her lips, she could still feel Lydia’s body against hers.

“Sometimes should is the only word that works, the only one that’s important,” Lydia said quietly. “I don’t really know what’s going on, what the right answer is between you and I. But I do know that we should steer clear of making decisions when we’re tired, when it’s late, when one of us has been drinking.”

“Christ, you make me sound like an alcoholic. It was an accident. It’s not my fault I don’t know what Dubonnet is. I just thought it was fancy soda, like San Pellegrino or something.” Cordelia had to keep making excuses, had to keep being normal, because if she didn’t she was afraid of what would happen.

“Cordelia, we need to go to bed.”

And her body ached for it, ached for her, just the thought of Lydia’s hands on her skin, of her lips on her skin, of… Cordelia took a hiccuping breath. “Fine. Go on then.”

“Can we take a little time?” Lydia said.

Cordelia shrugged. “As you wish.”

There was a big sigh then. “Fine, I’m going to bed. I’m tired and we need to pick Toby up early in the morning. Goodnight, Cordelia.”

Cordelia sat down again, cradling her empty glass.

Maybe it had been the wrong thing to do when she did it. But it hadn’t been the wrong thing to do on the whole. From the minute she’d seen Lydia in that dress, from the second she’d put together the feelings she was having and recognized them for what they were, she’d known that she had to kiss her .

Just to see, just to find out how it felt, how she felt. It had been necessary.

Alright, probably the alcohol had helped. Maybe she wouldn’t have been so hasty otherwise.

There was an overwhelming truth here though, one that Cordelia didn’t particularly understand but that was there anyway. She liked Lydia. Her calm efficiency, her buxom curves, the whole bursting package of her.

It shouldn’t be surprising. After all, Lydia had done nothing but up-end her life from the very second they met so why wouldn’t she up-end it in this way as well? Yes, there were problems, yes, things weren’t ideal. No, this didn’t fit into anything that Cordelia had wanted in the last couple of years.

Things changed though, didn’t they?

They changed and got better and that was just the nature of life. Yes, it was complicated. But if Lydia was right and Doc Morris really wasn’t going to come back, well, that meant that there was a job right here in Whitebridge if Lydia wanted one.

Cordelia closed her eyes. Or maybe they should be practical, just like Lydia wanted. Which was easier said than done. Because that kiss hard up against the wall hadn’t been practical in the slightest.