20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Ruya

I was worried about Josh. He was such a kind soul, and always so accommodating and attentive to others, but he seemed positively allergic to the idea of admitting that he might need some attention and care himself. Then again, he did have Sadavir to look after him, and as much as I might care for Josh and see a special kind of kindred spirit in him, Sadavir had known him longer and much more intimately than I did. I knew the naga prince was protective of his human companion. He would look after him and let me know if Josh needed me.

And as much as I hated to say it, I did have other important things to attend to at the moment. Josh would be the first one to say that learning to use my powers so I could help Robin and the rebel court disrupt the corrupt grip of the paranormal syndicate should come before worry over a headache and a bit of dizziness. While I didn't fully agree with him, I knew I needed to focus on the task before me.

My banshee powers were a mystery to me. They hadn't even started developing until shortly after I was freed from The Order of the Triple Moon. It sounded like that wasn't unusual, and that the timing was reasonable for the expected maturation of a mixed heritage like mine. But still… I did wonder in an off-hand sort of way whether it was more than just my age that had sparked the development of these powers. The cult apparently possessed the magic necessary to mislead a banshee and give her false visions. Did that mean that they were capable of masking or suppressing my powers while I was under their control?

Then again, if The Mother had known I had these abilities, I was sure she would have found a way to use them for her own gain, the same way she had with my healing abilities. She probably wouldn't have blocked such a potentially lucrative set of abilities. Maybe it had something to do with my omega nature and being around the alphas?

I wasn't sure what to think. But it probably did bear some further thought. For now, though, I pushed the tangent away.

I needed to learn to control my powers, and see if there were other abilities I had yet to tap into. I didn't have my mother's experience, or Robin's ability to scheme. But I could already see the advantages my powers might give the rebel court. The emperor no longer had his banshee to alert him of any threat to his life, and now I thought it might be possible for me to learn to predict threats the way Achlys had seemed to do for him. If I could learn to have the visions on purpose, learn to home in on a specific target… I might be able to tell Robin which of her plans had the most chance of success.

Would I see the emperor dying by my own hand? Could I handle that possibility? I was a healer. Could I really kill a person–even someone with as cruel and oppressive an influence as the emperor? And if I did see that outcome… should I tell Robin, or keep it to myself and let the future unfold as the elder fae had predicted?

I paused and took a deep breath, focusing on a long, slow exhale to center myself and corral my tumultuous thoughts. Then I walked into the communal living room with measured steps, my chin held high and my focus on the task at hand. If nothing else, I was about to learn something precious about myself, about the magic within me. That was enough, for now.

Achlys was waiting for me. I had agreed to meet with her this morning while we ate breakfast. Everyone was slowly starting to lower their guard around her, but I knew they all still had an understandable—and rightfully ingrained—level of caution. While it might seem easier to just have my long-lost mother do all the banshee magic they needed, there seemed to be an unspoken understanding. The court wasn't comfortable with a stranger who had been the emperor's shield for years living under their roof. They didn't want her involved in their actual attempts to take out the syndicate for that very reason. That would be a lot of trust to place in an unknown.

And besides, Achlys had never mentioned wanting to stay here forever. I thought I could read between the lines. Maybe it was empathy for her situation and the way it somewhat parallelled my own experiences. But whatever the reason, I had a feeling that Achlys didn't want to be too involved in this. I think she wanted freedom more than anything. That she just wanted to live her life without constantly calling on her powers or being at the beck and call of powerful people playing dangerous political games.

That, I could certainly understand. Those sorts of things had cost her the man she loved and, until very recently, her child. I would probably want to run away and hide myself someplace private, if I were her.

But I wasn't my mother. I was only just coming into my power. And I felt an obligation to use whatever gifts I had been given to help people. Sometimes that was as straight forward as using my healing abilities to restore health and wellbeing. But I was learning that sometimes that need to help, to make a difference, wasn't so simple. Sometimes, it required stepping outside my comfort zone and embracing parts of myself that might spark discomfort or fear.

"Ruya," Achlys said happily. "How is your afternoon? I see you managed to come without the escort."

I gave her a wry smile. There had been quite an argument this morning when Achlys declared that she would only teach me about my powers if we could work on it alone . She insisted that none of the others could be present. Robin had gone all sly and soft-spoken in that way that said she was contemplating eating someone. Sadavir had practically glued himself to my side. And the others had each reacted with their own versions of overprotective suspicion. Only my reminding them all that I was my own person with my own free will, and that I was the only one who made decisions about my life, had gotten them to back down. My free well was important to my court. They had always been very careful not to behave as if I was their possession, not to try to control me the way The Mother had done all my life.

"I'm well, thank you," I told Achlys, making my way to my favorite chair. It sounded like she was sitting on the couch, so we were facing each other. "Though now that we are alone, I am curious why you were so adamant about this being a private lesson."

She huffed. "I may be old and widowed, with absolutely no interest in ever replacing the love of my life. But I'm not dead , sweetheart. And I'm not–pardon the term–blind. I see how the others look at you. How they gravitate toward you, and how you blossom in their presence. This court of yours is very devoted to you. And I don't think those feelings are one-sided."

I shrugged. It might be strange to some, but it was no secret that I was in love with the entire rebel court, and I knew they all cared for me as well. "I don't see why that should deter them from watching me learn about my powers."

She reached over and patted my knee before leaning away, settling into the couch with a soft shifting of fabric. "I'm about to teach you to willingly reach out and access the ability to see death," she said softly. "But I will not destroy the light and love of life that I see in you, Ruya. You will struggle at first with control. And you will be likely to see flashes of things related to whoever is standing closest to you. The pull to access your other awareness will be stronger around those you have a close emotional bond with." She paused and the weighted silence stretched between us for a moment before she finally cut to the point. "I wanted to spare you the horror of watching your loved-ones die—at least for now. That sort of thing can haunt you, even if it is only a potential outcome you are seeing. Even if it is changeable, it would leave a scar. Trust me on this."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as memories crept into my mind. How Yukio's essence–the events and emotions that shaped his character–had flashed through my mind. How I'd felt him dying, bleeding out after he was injured during one of the court's missions to cause chaos in the syndicate.

I hadn't been particularly close to Yukio at the time. In fact, I was sure he hated me. But I had felt the pain and fear, the suffering, and the aching loss that would come when his life spark was snuffed out.

He had lived, obviously. My healing powers had brought him back from the brink of death. But I would never get those images and feelings out of my mind. And I couldn't fathom how much worse it would be now, to see and feel the death of the people who had come to mean so much to me in so many ways. People I had come to love.

"Oh," I said softly, my voice wavering a bit before I got it under control. "Of course. How silly of me not to think of that."

Achlys touched my knee again, and her voice was full of sadness and understanding. "You've already experienced it, haven't you?"

I told her haltingly about Yukio's brush with death. About the first time I had ever experienced a banshee vision. I brushed away tears as I finished the tale. I knew without a doubt that my tender, caring heart was a strength. But just then, I wished I could be different. That I could harden my heart and not carry the emotional impact of things with me the way I did.

"I'm sorry," I said, sniffling a little as I sat up straight and tried to put on a brave face. My past experiences and my current fear did not negate the fact that I needed to do this. I needed to learn all I could to give Robin and the others the best chance of success.

"If I learn to control my powers, I can use them to help with the plan of attack, can't I?" I said evenly, wanting confirmation that this was all going to end up meaning something.

Achlys didn't sugar coat things or beat around the bush. "That was exactly my hope," she said evenly. "It will be… hard on you, I've no doubt. But if you can master this one thing, you can give those crazy creatures you love a fighting chance at surviving this war you're all about to start."

I nodded resolutely.

"But Ruya?" she said softly. "Never be ashamed of your tears. A banshee's tears are priceless. They remind us of the value of life. And that every life should be mourned. Even in those cases where death might be a blessing."

I took that in. There was beauty there, amid the sadness. "Thank you," I murmured. I appreciated her acceptance of who I was, and her attempt to shield me. But I also knew without a doubt that I would eventually need to harden my heart to what I would see in my visions. Because I wasn't going to shy away from the unpleasantness if it would help keep the others safe.

"I understand why you wanted me to work with you alone," I said firmly. "But we both know I can't be shielded forever if I want to use these powers to their best effect. Teach me how."

Her eyes were sad, but she nodded once in understanding. "Well then," she said in no-nonsense tone. "Let's see what you can do. Relax into your power, Ruya. And tell me how I'm going to die."